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![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/iNOCJaN.jpg) If you own a copy of this game, burn it
Tactics II is a turn-based "strategy" wargame (not for your computer; it's a board game) intended to simulate a modern-style conventional war between two opposing nations, Red and Blue. However, this is in a dystopian age long after Red and Blue stopped using pokemon to battle each other, and used a massively inefficient military machine to fight. The game includes special rules for seasonal changes, fuckin' useless amphibious drops, nuclear weapons, airborne drops, and of course, the terrain.
Rules:
- Rule #1: Fuck you.
- The objective is to occupy at least one square of each enemy city without them occupying any squares of their own cities, or just kill their whole army, whichever comes first.
- You may move all your pieces in the same turn, just make sure you don't look away, or your opponent might move one of his pieces an extra square further.
- The almighty dice will decide your fate, and it has no mercy.
Those are all the rules. The game is based entirely on luck. There is a crazy defender's advantage designed by radioactive cock-sucking dolphins which makes it suicidal to initiate any kind of attack without praying desperately to the dice gods that you will roll a six. And trust me, you will not roll a six. You will roll a fucking one every time and your stuff will fucking die in a hole. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Don't forget rule numero uno. The defender's advantage works thusly: if you move one of your pieces (a "division") next to your opponent's piece(s), they engage in mortal kombat. In a one-on-one situation, the attacker has a disadvantage where he/she must roll a six, because anything else will result in failure or both pieces dying. And here's where the game gets infuriating: in a two-on-one situation, the odds are "even", so if you roll a one, you lose both pieces.
You can check out how this fucked-up system works here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Combat_results_table
Now, read that table, and just imagine it reversed, so instead of DE as the result, you have AE. So the odds ratio dictates that attacking is suicide and that you should never, ever do it, ever. This son-of-a-bitch system ensures that no matter how clever you are, all your plans are for naught. I'm pretty sure this game was designed to teach kids that if there were ever a war between the US and Russia, EVERYONE FUCKING DIES. Indeed, in the end-game, you will certainly lose 90% of your army, and the red player will turtle hard. The red player has no honor, and whoever willingly picks red, and then turtles on that fucking island deserves nothing less than to get Malaria. The island is connected to the mainland by bridges, which incidentally, increase your defender's advantage. If you attack units across a river, increased defender advantage. If you attack them in the woods, increased defender advantage. Pretty much everything increases defender advantage.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Q6aDpqm.jpg) What is this bullshit? Why is this battlefield covered in pubic hair?
So let's talk strategy. I know this game is called "tactics 2", but there are no actual tactics involved. How do you win? Well, first, the mountains are impassible except by your two divisions of alpine troops. The woods are basically impassible as well. So first, block the chokes on the right and left sides of the map. Good, now your opponent's army must pass through the middle of the map to get to you. Or they can use their amphibious units, capture a city with a port, and start ferrying units over onto your side. If this happens, just let it happen, nobody cares. It's not like they can actually do anything with it. Next, mass your whole army in the center of the map, and just sit there. You don't have to even move your units during your turn. Just declare your turn to be over. Wait for your opponent to freak out and try and attack you. Then laugh as he dies.
Now imagine you're an innocent but really geeky 11-year-old girl who loves strategy games, and you get this piece of shit. This game will crush you. You thought Protoss was too ridiculous in SC2? You thought Hearthstone was pay-to-win? You thought Teemo was obnoxious? You poor, spoiled little cunt bitch. YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE TACTICS II UNLESS YOU'VE STUCK YOUR HAND DOWN A GARBAGE DISPOSAL AND TURNED IT ON. Playing this game more than once makes you an official masochist and I wouldn't be surprised if you started mutilating your own genitals with a rusty steak knife and doing crystal meth, then drinking heavily just so the voices in your brain will stop screaming at you to set yourself on fire for just a few hours.
In conclusion: Avalon Hill released Tactics II in the 1950s as a way to hurt people and destroy lives under the guise of an "Educational strategy boardgame". However, due to the weaknesses in the game's design, Avalon Hill tried to justify themselves by saying the game was an "introductory wargame" and was made to be very simple on purpose, but I say it's all a freemason conspiracy. Therefore, when rating this title, I award this game no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
  
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So who wants to play some Tactics II?
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You don't have to even move your units during your turn. Just declare your turn to be over. Wait for your opponent to freak out and try and attack you. Then laugh as he dies.
sounds like protoss to me???
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so is this the game that made you who you are now?
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your Country52797 Posts
Dare I ask what Tactics I was like?
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I think the problems would be fixed by introducing a paid DLC
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On February 28 2014 09:05 The_Templar wrote:
Dare I ask what Tactics I was like?
It didn't have automine.
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On February 28 2014 09:05 The_Templar wrote:
Dare I ask what Tactics I was like?
You could only move 12 units per turn.
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On February 28 2014 09:46 sluggaslamoo wrote:Show nested quote +On February 28 2014 09:05 The_Templar wrote:
Dare I ask what Tactics I was like? It didn't have automine.
And it was basically a hundred times better of a game for it?
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ALLEYCAT BLUES50118 Posts
On February 28 2014 09:53 ninazerg wrote:Show nested quote +On February 28 2014 09:05 The_Templar wrote:
Dare I ask what Tactics I was like? You could only move 12 units per turn.
such a balanced game.
better than island turtle red team.
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On February 28 2014 10:37 Salazarz wrote:Show nested quote +On February 28 2014 09:46 sluggaslamoo wrote:On February 28 2014 09:05 The_Templar wrote:
Dare I ask what Tactics I was like? It didn't have automine. And it was basically a hundred times better of a game for it?
No, what made the game better was the bugs.
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Hmm.
Sounds like it's full of a surplus of legitimate deeply analytical tactics.
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Bisutopia19231 Posts
I've been playing Pandemic lately. I have to carry my gf in the mid to late game. Also, I love you Nina! (Don't tell stardom)
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I give this blog 1 star. The tactics were just too hard to understand.
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HA WRAGAME
My dad loves wargames. He's been playing a Normandy game with some other people that's been progressing slower than the actual Normandy invasion.
I think I'm even with him on Waterloo, which takes 3 hours and is comparatively simple.
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Well, I grew up playing this in the sixties (Stalin still helmed the USSR when I was born), and it didn't seem particularly stupid to me. Can't it be regarded as we do when we watch a sci-fi film, with a certain indulgent suspension of disbelief?
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Russian Federation3631 Posts
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On January 05 2015 08:52 rcareaga wrote:
Well, I grew up playing this in the sixties (Stalin still helmed the USSR when I was born), and it didn't seem particularly stupid to me. Can't it be regarded as we do when we watch a sci-fi film, with a certain indulgent suspension of disbelief?
Thanks for the fucking random comment, 1-post person. There are a few of things I'd like to address:
1. I'm not going to change my mind.
2. Tactics II was released in 1958, the same year Nikita Khrushchev came to power. This is important because he fervently denounced Stalin.
3. Since you were such an avid board game player during the 1960s, didn't you hear about Avalon Hill's Blitzkrieg?
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Tactics 2 was sequel to the amateur published Tactics by Charles Roberts. The foundation of all non-military produced board wargames produced for the last 71 years. It did play rather counterintuitively
I once defeated by opponent by nuking his occupying forces in 5 of my own cities. A copy now resides in the Smithsonian.
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Your review of Tactics II is churlish, uncultured, and uneducated. You have demonstrated a sad and childish lack of understanding the history of gaming. Without games like Tactics I and Tactics II, Battle of the Bulge, D-Day, Midway, etc. the hobby would never have grown into the multi-million dollar industry it is today. In reading your review I am led to believe that there are several large orifices in your sky-piece from whence it issued forth, and it would be better if you glued them up and spoke through something else.
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Lmao battle of the bulge. ^^^
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Thread is Great. Like real good.
But some answers are just fucking pure gold.
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On April 13 2017 22:31 Larry Marak wrote:
Tactics 2 was sequel to the amateur published Tactics by Charles Roberts. The foundation of all non-military produced board wargames produced for the last 71 years. It did play rather counterintuitively
I once defeated by opponent by nuking his occupying forces in 5 of my own cities. A copy now resides in the Smithsonian.
On April 13 2017 22:59 Megalor wrote:
Your review of Tactics II is churlish, uncultured, and uneducated. You have demonstrated a sad and childish lack of understanding the history of gaming. Without games like Tactics I and Tactics II, Battle of the Bulge, D-Day, Midway, etc. the hobby would never have grown into the multi-million dollar industry it is today. In reading your review I am led to believe that there are several large orifices in your sky-piece from whence it issued forth, and it would be better if you glued them up and spoke through something else.
Where the fuck do you people come from?
Anyhow, in response to Larry Marak: I have a lot of fond memories of this game. I made my own Europe campaign map using cardboard, a ruler, a pencil, scissors, glue, and some of that big rolling paper.
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Seems to me that most of the issues with this game can be easily solved by creating your own maps for balance (a problem with most RTS games as well) and then modifying the role of the dice.
I'm not familiar with this game, but I assume you roll dice to dictate movement and dictate attack powers or whatever.
So instead of that, you can change the units to always have 1 or 2 movement ranges, and 1 or 2 attack power/ranges. Then you can flip a coin or roll dice for odds/evens and then make a selection of best or lesser depending on if you got max roll.
And then you could introduce additional advantages that are actually more strategic like how Vandal Hearts PS1 video game did. Archers hard counter air guys, attacks from behind them did more, dragoons crushed archers, flyers moved crazy far and rekt dragoons, uphill gave more range, etc.
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EPT
