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School Newspaper Editorial (Draft)

Blogs > ticklishmusic
Post a Reply
ticklishmusic
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
United States15977 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-11-10 09:36:23
November 10 2013 09:35 GMT
#1
It's 4AM, been putting this together on and off most of the day. I'm hoping to get this published in the school newspaper. I included a couple notes at the bottom to those unfamiliar with my university.

Just looking for suggestions and feedback.

Background:
+ Show Spoiler +
The governing body in charge of overseeing student organizations at my school recently hosted its own big event, and promptly declared a state of financial emergency. A editorial was published pinning the blame on graft in student organizations. Original article is here.


Recently, the germanely-named Doo Lee(1) wrote an editorial on behalf of College Council explaining the reason for their unprecedented state of financial emergency. Essentially, they fund a hundred-some clubs, and the monetary policy gives these clubs carte blanche. In the past, many clubs have treated College Council as the proverbial cash cow. They have tugged the udders at budget hearings and come away with money, which they went on to spend either wisely or prodigally. This system has been in place and succeeded for 58 years as the 58th College Council often proudly says.

Why has it this year finally become unsustainable? Doo Lee argues it is because last year the rules for chartering an organization were relaxed, giving rise to a fairy ring of new clubs. Students find causes they are interested in that lack a voice, or they want to add something to their resume— for better or for worse, Emory students are like that. It is true that number of organizations is large, but that is also largely irrelevant. There is an elephant in the room that Doo Lee and company would prefer the student body to ignore, and it is named CultureShock.

Now for some boring but illuminating arithmetic. A friend on College Council proudly told me the budget was sixty grand, the MSRP of a full year at Emory. Doo Lee mentions $150,000 as CC’s budget for the semester, making CultureShock a one evening event that was 40% of budget. A quick look on Facebook shows an attendance of some 400, though given what I saw of the WHSCAB auditorium and lobby it was somewhat less than that. Diwali(2), which took place the evening before, had a sold-out capacity of 500 with a reported budget of $15,000. Comparison aside, is it not a little too convenient that the announcement of financial emergency comes after this event?

I have no problem with the event itself. Okay I’ll be honest, I have plenty of criticism, but that is beyond the scope of this piece. What I question is if CultureShock was the best allocation of College Council’s funds, or if it is even within the group’s jurisdiction to host such an event. I heartily support increasing the amount of events on campus, but not at the high aforementioned financial cost, or at the expense of other Emory traditions.

November has traditionally been OMPS’(3) Unity Month, a time for the Emory community to explore the diverse cultural and social characters of its student body. To have CultureShock at the same time is the same as Cortez coming to America, planting the Spanish flag, and claiming it despite the presence of a native civilization. With superior arms and armor (or in this case funding and resources), the College Conquistadores have muscled their way into the province of another organization. Events like the Trashion Show, while quirky, entertaining, and meaningful sadly pale in comparison to the bread and circuses of CultureShock.

Not only has CultureShock overshadowed such a venerable tradition, the lavish, almost federal-esque, level of spending on this event has jeopardized events for chartered student groups. Bereft of the funding provided by College Council, few groups have the resources to host anything larger than a pizza party. Most weeks I find myself pleasantly overwhelmed by the prospect of some GBM with food or a fun activity— it is hard to imagine Emory without those thousand events and the freedom to choose and explore them.

The most important question is why did College Council want CultureShock? It was not to fill a hole. November is Unity Month. There are dozens of cultural groups hosting hundreds of events. It was not to concern any concerns of the student body. According to the CC website, the top 5 concerns are Dining, School Spirit, Parking, Housing, and Transportation, none of which are addressed by Saturday’s extravaganza. Why then spend 40% of the budget on this?

To paraphrase John Green, almost everyone wants to leave a mark on the world, but the marks they leave are too often scars. College Council has made its mark here. Doo Lee is right—organizations do often ask College Council for money and spend it selfishly or badly. However, he neglects to mention the one organization which asked College Council for money and broke the budget— College Council itself. Was it worth it? I urge the esteemed members of College Council to consider the question, as well as to think about the student body they serve.

1. Doo Lee: The unofficial school mascot is a skeleton named Dooley
2. Diwali: Hindi Festival of Light, Indian Cultural Exchange (ICE) rented out the Marriot for an evening with food, dacing and performance groups
3. OMPS: Office of Multicultural Programs and Services

***
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Jerubaal
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
United States7684 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-11-10 12:05:27
November 10 2013 12:05 GMT
#2
1. What purpose does 'germanely' serve? Names tend to be germane. I'm sure most of your readership will get the reference so it's not necessary to add something there unless you mean something else.
2. 'fairy new'
3. The Cortez analogy was hamfisted.
4. Banal quotation at the end. Barf me.
5. "Now for some boring arithmetic[ : ] (Or you could just delete this.)
6. Many of your sentences are clunky, unnecessarily complex and you seem enraptured by the pretty turn of a phrase. I get that you want to be convincing and engaging, but sentence after sentence is just too much. (a) Too many adverbs. I would personally (dammit) get rid of all of them, but the ones starting sentences are particularly irksome. (b) You could just cut out sentences 2 and 3 of paragraph 2. (c) I counted 4 hyphens in this piece. The last one is the only one that seemed effective.(d) You exhausted my tolerance for metaphorical language after the first paragraph. I particularly hated federal-esque, lavish, bread and circuses and the whole Cortez bit. (e) Avoid anything that makes you sound like a British lord: "is it not a little too convenient" vs "it seems a little too convenient".

7. I think you should switch paragraphs 3 and 4. Paragraph 3 feels like a change in tact from your previous mention of CultureShock. After you announce that it's the problem, I want to hear something normative about it. You arguing that it wasn't a worthwhile event and then telling me how much it cost is more effective than giving me budget information and asking me to hold onto it until the next paragraph. Paragraph 4 can act as the introduction and overview of your main argument.

I also didn't think that the Doo Lee person was deserving of too much abuse but that's for your conscience to decide. Cheers.
I'm not stupid, a marauder just shot my brain.
itsjustatank
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Hong Kong9164 Posts
November 10 2013 15:01 GMT
#3
lots of fluffery, but the poster above me already caught that.
Photographer"nosotros estamos backamos" - setsuko
ticklishmusic
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
United States15977 Posts
November 10 2013 16:25 GMT
#4
On November 10 2013 21:05 Jerubaal wrote:
1. What purpose does 'germanely' serve? Names tend to be germane. I'm sure most of your readership will get the reference so it's not necessary to add something there unless you mean something else.
2. 'fairy new'
3. The Cortez analogy was hamfisted.
4. Banal quotation at the end. Barf me.
5. "Now for some boring arithmetic[ : ] (Or you could just delete this.)
6. Many of your sentences are clunky, unnecessarily complex and you seem enraptured by the pretty turn of a phrase. I get that you want to be convincing and engaging, but sentence after sentence is just too much. (a) Too many adverbs. I would personally (dammit) get rid of all of them, but the ones starting sentences are particularly irksome. (b) You could just cut out sentences 2 and 3 of paragraph 2. (c) I counted 4 hyphens in this piece. The last one is the only one that seemed effective.(d) You exhausted my tolerance for metaphorical language after the first paragraph. I particularly hated federal-esque, lavish, bread and circuses and the whole Cortez bit. (e) Avoid anything that makes you sound like a British lord: "is it not a little too convenient" vs "it seems a little too convenient".

7. I think you should switch paragraphs 3 and 4. Paragraph 3 feels like a change in tact from your previous mention of CultureShock. After you announce that it's the problem, I want to hear something normative about it. You arguing that it wasn't a worthwhile event and then telling me how much it cost is more effective than giving me budget information and asking me to hold onto it until the next paragraph. Paragraph 4 can act as the introduction and overview of your main argument.

I also didn't think that the Doo Lee person was deserving of too much abuse but that's for your conscience to decide. Cheers.


1. School mascot is named Dooley, the writer's name is Doo Lee
2. What?
3. It is, I like it.
4. That was a poor 3-4AM decision, I'll take it out probably
5. Yeah, the way you suggested I rearrange it makes it completely unnecessary.
6. Yeah, that sounds about right-- I'm also trying to cram in a novel's worth of cool phrases because no Nanowrimo for me this year. I'll chop away.
7. College Council has gotten a little too big-headed recently. I don't mind squatting down and taking a dump on them. Oops, more metaphors.
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
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