|
|
there are moments that i think you are struggling with language (in a good way) and moments where you are struggling with language (in a bad way).
the organization of the lines is something that i struggle with. i think that it fits well with this struggle that the poems seem to want to show: having this overriding structure in which the language must fit but the poets voice not necessarily fitting into those structures and attempting to get away from them. i say that i struggle with it because i think that as a organizational device it is obvious what it is doing and im not sure how much i feel that it really contributes to the poems. its an interesting idea, and my first impulse for interesting ideas is to throw them out because i would hate to be clever.
ultimately the language only succeeds in de-centering itself and never quite breaking free from the structures
i think you see this sort of struggling in a lot of the poems. the mixture of high language and low language is interesting, although it could probably be "better done".
i say interesting here in a positive context, because i think this struggle is much better and theres more conflict in it than the "trapped in structure" thing. i think it would be good if you were to explore this and pay really careful attention to this when you write more poems.
i think that the "high style" gets away from you sometimes, i'd be careful of that.
i cant trust the outright repetition in most of the poems because of the typographical structure of the poems, ie i cant tell if you repeat lines for specific reasons or to fulfill the structures that you are trying to create. the more i think about it the more i think that i dont like the structures thing, there are moments where i think you are on the verge of something really good but you undermine it. for example, the expanding line with the fisherman in "they played the harp in the wing".
you should be careful with the outright repeating of lines. i remember the line "in the beginning was the word" from "mr eliots sunday morning service" repeated (once in the last line of a stanza, and then, after the white space, as the first line of the next stanza): i think its a complicated device. i think some of the ways that you use it (mostly, i feel, to try and express this feeling of being trapped) it's not necessary and there are better ways to express that feeling via language. im thinking of passages ive read from steins making of americans.
for example look at this passage from hemingways "cat in the rain": He stood behind his desk in the far end of the dim room. The wife liked him. She liked the deadly serious way he received any complaints. She liked his dignity. She liked the way he wanted to serve her. She liked the way he felt about being a hotel-keeper. She liked his old, heavy face and big hands.
here is a thing of stein reading from the making of americans: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/01/23/gertrude-stein-the-making-of-americans/
i thought this was good, i recognize devices etc in your poems that i feel like i was attracted to and tried to use in poems that i used to write, definitely if poetry is something that you like then you should continue to read/write/think about it etc.
|
EPT
