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Hello beautiful TLers.
Recently, my friend got thrown out of his apartment after not being able to pay rent for a few months. He's had economical troubles since 2 years back. Back then, I borrowed him some money for rent. First it was 4000 SEK (aprox 400 euros) for one month. Back then I thought it was fine, he didnt go to school right then, or had a job, but he was going to start school that fall (this was in may 2011).
So he went to school, he needed another months pay because his studymoney wouldn't come til the next month. I thought "fine, I'll borrow him another months rent and I will get it back the next few months". So I borrowed him another 300 euros.
This went on for a while, I'm so fucking stupid for continuing to borrow him money. First it was trouble with the papers for studymoney. Then, after a while, he dropped out from his class, stating that it wasn't for him but I should not worry, cuz he had a job he would start soon, he just needed 1 more months rent and some money for food, so I lent him another 400 euros. So by that time, I've lent him a total of 1000 euros.
Things were going well for a while, his job sucked but he stuck with it. At least for a few months...
During this time, I borrowed another 300 euros to him for rent.
Then he dropped out of the job, saying it was not for him; "I don't connect with the people I work with and the pay sucks".
That was when it struck me how fucking naive and stupid I've been for letting this go on for so long. The bloke didn't take responsability for anything. It's like... If you're starving and have no money, who the crap cares if the job's not for him. You need the money. I need the money...
He's now got 1300 euros debt to me, and another 600 euros he borrowed from a mutual friend of ours. I doubt I will see the money for a good while.
Yesterday when I struck up a "I hate to bring this up, but my money" conversation with him on facebook, he told me he was homeless, his parents won't help him for some reason (according to another mutual friend, his father does want to help him, but my friend doesn't want help for some reason) and he refuses to talk about the situation with his parents. He started going on about his misery he's currently through. No money for food or housing, he's currently staying at another friends' house. He's throwing a guilt trip on me for asking about my 1300 euros (alot of fking money) and says kind of sadly "I can tell my dad to sell my things and send the money to you".
Right now I dunno what to do. I mean i feel for the bloke, he's 22 with no job, no home, no income, no food and a huge debt to his friends. I feel like an asshole(or rather, he makes me feel like an asshole) for pushing him for cash when he has none, but 1300 is alot of money that I will actually need to get my own apartment kind of soonish.
What do you guys think about the situation? Any advice on how I tackle this problem?
 
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the first rule about lending money is to pretend that you'll never see it again.
that is why I never lend out large amounts of money.
if he's a good friend, he will eventually pay you back (you might have to wait a while). if he's just a so-so friend, then forget about it. learn your lesson and move on. remember that you're the good guy here, trying to help his friend in a time of need.
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Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back.
Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless.
You will likely never get your money back.
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Ask yourself: is the friendship worth 1300 Euro? Because it sounds to me like he's not that good of a friend the way he treats you.
Borrowing money tricks people into believing they can buy things which they can't afford, not now not tomorrow, never. So basically: consider the money lost forever and go on with your life, sorry 
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Sounds like it might be a good idea to meet up with his father and talk about the situation. At least I doubt it could hurt you. Unless his father doesn't know who you are I guess.
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A life lesson learnt the hard way I guess.
On October 07 2013 23:06 spinesheath wrote:
Sounds like it might be a good idea to meet up with his father and talk about the situation. At least I doubt it could hurt you. Unless his father doesn't know who you are I guess.
This is actually solid advice. I know his father, I met him alot when we were kids. His father always liked me. I might actually contact him and explain the situation.
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Yes, you made a big mistake by prolonging the cycle of you giving him money and him just asking for more. You probably knew that he wasn't going to be able to pay you back anytime soon, but out of kindness you did it because he is your friend. Right now I'm sure that you regret doing that. There is nothing wrong with helping others, because doing so is moral and the right thing to do, but the prime responsibility you have is for yourself. Respect yourself, take care of yourself first, before extending your helping hand.
You now sit in a predicament where you want your money back, yet the reality is that you won't get it back most likely. Cut ties with this guy - it is for the best.
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People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
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you have 2 options, 1 is make your friend set up a monthly payment to you (30/month)
2 is to talk to the father.
the father is far better to motivate your friend than you are able to. if the father pays you then the son will have to face the consequence of the father. which is a good thing for both of them to be involved in one another's lives
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Man, it must suck to be in that situation. Bailing someone out repeatedly and getting put in the "you're a bad person for asking me your money back" booth. If your friend has troubles taking responsibility as it seems I'd definitely inform his father, it's really useless to stress yourself out by continuously walking on your toes and being nice, only to keep your friend in a bubble that is going to have to burst eventually. I wouldn't compromise your relationship with him further by trying to raise him, that's his parents' job.
Good luck.
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Ok you have a friend who has change, who is having a life crisis and is self-destructive.
Now you have to talk to the father. Explain the situation, explain it is not about the money that you contact the father.
Forget about the money, 1300 is a lot but it is nothing compared to what the future holds.
On one hand you might lots money, on the other hand you got one hell of a story for later, try just to think how this story will turn into something worth telling.
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Refuse to lend him any more money, but help him find a job.
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On October 07 2013 22:58 Elegy wrote:
Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back.
Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless.
You will likely never get your money back.
I've never lent money that I didn't get back. I've even recently, like 4-5 months ago, lent $300 to a guy from Wisconsin who I only met once in my life at Blizzcon 2009. Internet buddy guy. I constantly lend 20's left and right to friends and they systematically get it back to me. I've lent $3000 to a cousin also and he paid back in full a few months later and bought me dinner  .
I think it's sad that it's so common for people to know that they can't trust their own family and friends with money. What kind of fucks do you guys associate with -_-
On October 07 2013 23:15 Tobberoth wrote:
People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
I'll assume the government won't pay you to go to university if you didn't have good grades previously, right?
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On October 07 2013 23:15 Tobberoth wrote:
People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
Damn that's nice.
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If he's putting you on a guilt trip for lending him almost 2000 USD after he had a job and then quit because he didn't like the people or pay he's a jackass. If he wanted a better job with better pay he should look while he's working at his first job, not just up and quit after people have been bailing his ass out.
That said if he's severely depressed or has some mental illness you need to help him in a way (preferably with his family) that isn't just throwing money at him because that'll probably make him feel worse knowing he's screwing his friends/family over.
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Canada13426 Posts
Talk to his parents. It sounds like there are a LOT of issues in his personal life he needs to deal with that he might be keeping from you or some of his other friends. I think it best to get his parents involved and have a kind of "intervention" just to try and understand whats going on. He might be suffering from some sort of mental illness making it hard for him to do stuff.
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This guy isn't a friend; he is a dipshit. Don't lend him any kind of assistance. You should go to his parents and tell them he said you can sell his stuff for money, and then tell him to get fucked.
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On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On October 07 2013 23:15 Tobberoth wrote:
People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
I'll assume the government won't pay you to go to university if you didn't have good grades previously, right?
The government do not care about your grades. They only care how much you work. Every course you complete (regardless of grades) give you points. You need to get beyond a minimum amount of points to be considered to be studying actively. If you don't get enough points, you won't get any money next term, unless you fix those exams later on.
It's very easy to keep getting the money, you don't have to work hard for it. I think 50% of the total course points are all you need. And that's just for university, it's even more lax in high school. As long as you pass the most basic subjects (math, swedish and english), you keep getting money unless your attendance is so terrible that your teachers report you.
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Wow dude. I'll say one thing, no matter what he does, you are an honest, charitable and strong friend ^^. That's a lot of money to loan.
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[QUOTE]On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:
[QUOTE]On October 07 2013 22:58 Elegy wrote:
Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back.
Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless.
You will likely never get your money back.
[/QUOTE]
I've never lent money that I didn't get back. I've even recently, like 4-5 months ago, lent $300 to a guy from Wisconsin who I only met once in my life at Blizzcon 2009. Internet buddy guy. I constantly lend 20's left and right to friends and they systematically get it back to me. I've lent $3000 to a cousin also and he paid back in full a few months later and bought me dinner .
I think it's sad that it's so common for people to know that they can't trust their own family and friends with money. What kind of fucks do you guys associate with -_-
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good for you then but this does not help him, i am not sure why you need to say this but its like bragging or trolling. People can really be shitty with money but can be good friends and I for one will not be judging people at first glance, I for one have a good friend, loyal but when he started borrowing money and not paying the 1st time I just stop and told him "hey we are good friends but you really need to pay me back, are you selling your friendship for that amount". It is just u cant see these things ahead but I guess twice is good enough for you to know when to stop. You still helped him once or twice but not on the 3rd time or if you cant see him trying.
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EPT
