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Hello beautiful TLers.
Recently, my friend got thrown out of his apartment after not being able to pay rent for a few months. He's had economical troubles since 2 years back. Back then, I borrowed him some money for rent. First it was 4000 SEK (aprox 400 euros) for one month. Back then I thought it was fine, he didnt go to school right then, or had a job, but he was going to start school that fall (this was in may 2011).
So he went to school, he needed another months pay because his studymoney wouldn't come til the next month. I thought "fine, I'll borrow him another months rent and I will get it back the next few months". So I borrowed him another 300 euros.
This went on for a while, I'm so fucking stupid for continuing to borrow him money. First it was trouble with the papers for studymoney. Then, after a while, he dropped out from his class, stating that it wasn't for him but I should not worry, cuz he had a job he would start soon, he just needed 1 more months rent and some money for food, so I lent him another 400 euros. So by that time, I've lent him a total of 1000 euros.
Things were going well for a while, his job sucked but he stuck with it. At least for a few months...
During this time, I borrowed another 300 euros to him for rent.
Then he dropped out of the job, saying it was not for him; "I don't connect with the people I work with and the pay sucks".
That was when it struck me how fucking naive and stupid I've been for letting this go on for so long. The bloke didn't take responsability for anything. It's like... If you're starving and have no money, who the crap cares if the job's not for him. You need the money. I need the money...
He's now got 1300 euros debt to me, and another 600 euros he borrowed from a mutual friend of ours. I doubt I will see the money for a good while.
Yesterday when I struck up a "I hate to bring this up, but my money" conversation with him on facebook, he told me he was homeless, his parents won't help him for some reason (according to another mutual friend, his father does want to help him, but my friend doesn't want help for some reason) and he refuses to talk about the situation with his parents. He started going on about his misery he's currently through. No money for food or housing, he's currently staying at another friends' house. He's throwing a guilt trip on me for asking about my 1300 euros (alot of fking money) and says kind of sadly "I can tell my dad to sell my things and send the money to you".
Right now I dunno what to do. I mean i feel for the bloke, he's 22 with no job, no home, no income, no food and a huge debt to his friends. I feel like an asshole(or rather, he makes me feel like an asshole) for pushing him for cash when he has none, but 1300 is alot of money that I will actually need to get my own apartment kind of soonish.
What do you guys think about the situation? Any advice on how I tackle this problem?
 
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the first rule about lending money is to pretend that you'll never see it again.
that is why I never lend out large amounts of money.
if he's a good friend, he will eventually pay you back (you might have to wait a while). if he's just a so-so friend, then forget about it. learn your lesson and move on. remember that you're the good guy here, trying to help his friend in a time of need.
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Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back.
Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless.
You will likely never get your money back.
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Ask yourself: is the friendship worth 1300 Euro? Because it sounds to me like he's not that good of a friend the way he treats you.
Borrowing money tricks people into believing they can buy things which they can't afford, not now not tomorrow, never. So basically: consider the money lost forever and go on with your life, sorry 
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Sounds like it might be a good idea to meet up with his father and talk about the situation. At least I doubt it could hurt you. Unless his father doesn't know who you are I guess.
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A life lesson learnt the hard way I guess.
On October 07 2013 23:06 spinesheath wrote:
Sounds like it might be a good idea to meet up with his father and talk about the situation. At least I doubt it could hurt you. Unless his father doesn't know who you are I guess.
This is actually solid advice. I know his father, I met him alot when we were kids. His father always liked me. I might actually contact him and explain the situation.
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Yes, you made a big mistake by prolonging the cycle of you giving him money and him just asking for more. You probably knew that he wasn't going to be able to pay you back anytime soon, but out of kindness you did it because he is your friend. Right now I'm sure that you regret doing that. There is nothing wrong with helping others, because doing so is moral and the right thing to do, but the prime responsibility you have is for yourself. Respect yourself, take care of yourself first, before extending your helping hand.
You now sit in a predicament where you want your money back, yet the reality is that you won't get it back most likely. Cut ties with this guy - it is for the best.
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People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
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you have 2 options, 1 is make your friend set up a monthly payment to you (30/month)
2 is to talk to the father.
the father is far better to motivate your friend than you are able to. if the father pays you then the son will have to face the consequence of the father. which is a good thing for both of them to be involved in one another's lives
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Man, it must suck to be in that situation. Bailing someone out repeatedly and getting put in the "you're a bad person for asking me your money back" booth. If your friend has troubles taking responsibility as it seems I'd definitely inform his father, it's really useless to stress yourself out by continuously walking on your toes and being nice, only to keep your friend in a bubble that is going to have to burst eventually. I wouldn't compromise your relationship with him further by trying to raise him, that's his parents' job.
Good luck.
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Ok you have a friend who has change, who is having a life crisis and is self-destructive.
Now you have to talk to the father. Explain the situation, explain it is not about the money that you contact the father.
Forget about the money, 1300 is a lot but it is nothing compared to what the future holds.
On one hand you might lots money, on the other hand you got one hell of a story for later, try just to think how this story will turn into something worth telling.
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Refuse to lend him any more money, but help him find a job.
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On October 07 2013 22:58 Elegy wrote:
Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back.
Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless.
You will likely never get your money back.
I've never lent money that I didn't get back. I've even recently, like 4-5 months ago, lent $300 to a guy from Wisconsin who I only met once in my life at Blizzcon 2009. Internet buddy guy. I constantly lend 20's left and right to friends and they systematically get it back to me. I've lent $3000 to a cousin also and he paid back in full a few months later and bought me dinner  .
I think it's sad that it's so common for people to know that they can't trust their own family and friends with money. What kind of fucks do you guys associate with -_-
On October 07 2013 23:15 Tobberoth wrote:
People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
I'll assume the government won't pay you to go to university if you didn't have good grades previously, right?
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On October 07 2013 23:15 Tobberoth wrote:
People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
Damn that's nice.
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If he's putting you on a guilt trip for lending him almost 2000 USD after he had a job and then quit because he didn't like the people or pay he's a jackass. If he wanted a better job with better pay he should look while he's working at his first job, not just up and quit after people have been bailing his ass out.
That said if he's severely depressed or has some mental illness you need to help him in a way (preferably with his family) that isn't just throwing money at him because that'll probably make him feel worse knowing he's screwing his friends/family over.
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Canada13389 Posts
Talk to his parents. It sounds like there are a LOT of issues in his personal life he needs to deal with that he might be keeping from you or some of his other friends. I think it best to get his parents involved and have a kind of "intervention" just to try and understand whats going on. He might be suffering from some sort of mental illness making it hard for him to do stuff.
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This guy isn't a friend; he is a dipshit. Don't lend him any kind of assistance. You should go to his parents and tell them he said you can sell his stuff for money, and then tell him to get fucked.
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On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On October 07 2013 23:15 Tobberoth wrote:
People like this are fucking ridiculous. In Sweden, you get PAID by the government to go to school. So you go to school, you get a decent education and then you start working. Unfortunately, people get so used to the fact that the government bails you out of everything, that they don't realize working is a privilege and a must, not something you do as a hobby.
This guy is obviously retarded. Who the hell loans tons of money, finally gets a job... and quits it? How fucking dumb can you get?
I'll assume the government won't pay you to go to university if you didn't have good grades previously, right?
The government do not care about your grades. They only care how much you work. Every course you complete (regardless of grades) give you points. You need to get beyond a minimum amount of points to be considered to be studying actively. If you don't get enough points, you won't get any money next term, unless you fix those exams later on.
It's very easy to keep getting the money, you don't have to work hard for it. I think 50% of the total course points are all you need. And that's just for university, it's even more lax in high school. As long as you pass the most basic subjects (math, swedish and english), you keep getting money unless your attendance is so terrible that your teachers report you.
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Wow dude. I'll say one thing, no matter what he does, you are an honest, charitable and strong friend ^^. That's a lot of money to loan.
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[QUOTE]On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:
[QUOTE]On October 07 2013 22:58 Elegy wrote:
Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back.
Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless.
You will likely never get your money back.
[/QUOTE]
I've never lent money that I didn't get back. I've even recently, like 4-5 months ago, lent $300 to a guy from Wisconsin who I only met once in my life at Blizzcon 2009. Internet buddy guy. I constantly lend 20's left and right to friends and they systematically get it back to me. I've lent $3000 to a cousin also and he paid back in full a few months later and bought me dinner .
I think it's sad that it's so common for people to know that they can't trust their own family and friends with money. What kind of fucks do you guys associate with -_-
[QUOTE]
good for you then but this does not help him, i am not sure why you need to say this but its like bragging or trolling. People can really be shitty with money but can be good friends and I for one will not be judging people at first glance, I for one have a good friend, loyal but when he started borrowing money and not paying the 1st time I just stop and told him "hey we are good friends but you really need to pay me back, are you selling your friendship for that amount". It is just u cant see these things ahead but I guess twice is good enough for you to know when to stop. You still helped him once or twice but not on the 3rd time or if you cant see him trying.
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Sounds like he's just mooching off of you. I've never had more than 5 Euro outstanding debts to my friends, no matter how bad shit was for me. Tell his dad to sell his stuff and send you the money. You need it for payments, and he OWES it to you, so that's that. Then accidentaly delete his contacts.
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On October 08 2013 01:10 woreyour wrote:
good for you then but this does not help him, i am not sure why you need to say this but its like bragging or trolling. People can really be shitty with money but can be good friends and I for one will not be judging people at first glance, I for one have a good friend, loyal but when he started borrowing money and not paying the 1st time I just stop and told him "hey we are good friends but you really need to pay me back, are you selling your friendship for that amount". It is just u cant see these things ahead but I guess twice is good enough for you to know when to stop. You still helped him once or twice but not on the 3rd time or if you cant see him trying.
You misjudge my intentions... I was just piling onto the idea that his friend is a dick and he shouldn't associate with such a person. It's incredibly disrespectful to quit a job when you need to pay back somebody. But also I legitimately think it's a sad state of affairs when people have to be so distrustful of each others.
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you gotta get your money back man. This guy doesnt sound like the type that figures it out. You dont wanna get stuck with that if you dont have to, I dont think hes that great of a friend to you? Like if he is your best friend from childhood than maybe its different
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so...he doesn't got his life together, and owes you money. Why is he still your friend?
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Get your money back. Tell him he can get your friendship back when he gets his shit together. Seriously, how the fuck do you end up homeless in Sweden?
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On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:
I'll assume the government won't pay you to go to university if you didn't have good grades previously, right?
I'm fairly sure that you can apply for student loans even if it's just for remedial GED type courses. The amount depends on how many credits you are taking.
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He's clearly not your friend if he keeps taking and wasting your money, and you need to wake up and stop letting him drag you down too.
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On October 08 2013 01:10 woreyour wrote:
+ Show Spoiler +[QUOTE] On October 08 2013 01:10 woreyour wrote:[QUOTE] On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:[QUOTE] On October 07 2013 22:58 Elegy wrote:Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back. Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless. You will likely never get your money back. [/QUOTE] I've never lent money that I didn't get back. I've even recently, like 4-5 months ago, lent $300 to a guy from Wisconsin who I only met once in my life at Blizzcon 2009. Internet buddy guy. I constantly lend 20's left and right to friends and they systematically get it back to me. I've lent $3000 to a cousin also and he paid back in full a few months later and bought me dinner . I think it's sad that it's so common for people to know that they can't trust their own family and friends with money. What kind of fucks do you guys associate with -_- [QUOTE]
+ Show Spoiler +
good for you then but this does not help him, i am not sure why you need to say this but its like bragging or trolling. People can really be shitty with money but can be good friends and I for one will not be judging people at first glance, I for one have a good friend, loyal but when he started borrowing money and not paying the 1st time I just stop and told him "hey we are good friends but you really need to pay me back, are you selling your friendship for that amount". It is just u cant see these things ahead but I guess twice is good enough for you to know when to stop. You still helped him once or twice but not on the 3rd time or if you cant see him trying.
Fix those quotes please :<
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Yeah alot of the people in this thread are right, Money lent = money gone, its a sad fact of life and ive been on both sides of the fence for this shit (still am).
What you have to consider is most (most.) people DO intend to pay the money back, but if you lend money to people in a shitty situation (which is always the case because they need a loan) its going to be a long while before they are in a position to pay it back.
The shit about him not taking his responsibilities seriously, yeah that screws you, him and everyone else over because he's not working his damn hardest to pay off his debts and get his life on track, but i think there is always a reason for this sort of shit and maybe you dont know the whole picture as to why he quit his job or he doesnt accept help from his father, if he's lying about it i think something is there at least.
I mean, i doubt anyone would intentionally put themselves in debt, homeless and refuse help from close family unless something was seriously wrong, you know?
Of course, he could just be a dickhead bum.
And yeah, stop lending him money and start helping him get his life back on track practically instead if you want to help him! Find him a job, a hostel, give him company so he doesnt feel alone and give him someone to talk to. If that fails, refer to short sentence above.
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Did something very similar and learned my lesson. The first time around, I lent him $500 for rent for one month and $250 for another month. While his parents did manage to pay me back the $500, I never managed to see the remainder ever again. Not too mad about it but that 250 *could* have saved me when I was struggling a few months ago. When it comes to lending money as people have implied, treat it giving away a gift.
TL;dr: I don't lend money anymore...spotting for small amounts? Sure but large amounts? No thanks.
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Thanks for all the advice and views guys!
I'd say there must be a problem. I've known the guy since we were like 6 years old, albeit never really close, we always hung out. And he's not a dickhead bum.
If i think about it, he's a really special guy, hard to fit in and super shy, even towards us "close" friend that he hangs out with. So if there's some problem with his dad, he won't tell us.
But I don't really know his father either, it was like 7 or 8 years since I last met him. I dunno what to do really. I told him to his father to sell his stuff (like excessive videogames and magic cards, some of which he actually bought while owing me money), and send the money to my bankaccount. He responded that he can give me his playstation and games so I can sell it... So I feel like he really, really don't want to involve his dad.
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On October 08 2013 05:36 TOCHMY wrote:
Thanks for all the advice and views guys!
I'd say there must be a problem. I've known the guy since we were like 6 years old, albeit never really close, we always hung out. And he's not a dickhead bum.
If i think about it, he's a really special guy, hard to fit in and super shy, even towards us "close" friend that he hangs out with. So if there's some problem with his dad, he won't tell us.
But I don't really know his father either, it was like 7 or 8 years since I last met him. I dunno what to do really. I told him to his father to sell his stuff (like excessive videogames and magic cards, some of which he actually bought while owing me money), and send the money to my bankaccount. He responded that he can give me his playstation and games so I can sell it... So I feel like he really, really don't want to involve his dad.
or hes making you do all the work by selling his shit to get your money back
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you need to stop pitying him
he's making no effort to do anything for his life
while mooching off of you
nope
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first you say he quited his job ? ask him why ? maybe he got a realy good reason , many people here think he just left ''for fun''
so he deserve no help and of course because of that he a useless human being and not a good friend .
people here go far .
for the money he own you , ask him why he dont want his dad help , this sound strange other that the ''im adult now , dont want help for my mother and dad im old now, in life you should accept the help of other when you need it, he got nothing and his dad want to help him, why he dont accept?
if the dad help him , you will probably get your money faster, but anyway if he a realy good friend, forget the money for some time, dont put the burden of the money on him too, he will pay you back, maybe not right now,maybe never, but you can do nothing about that, help your friend but dont give him more money,that the right thing to do.
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I'm amazed how many people prefer the dickhead bum which should be dumped story over the possibility that OP's friend might have actual serious issues that explain his behaviour. Have some fucking empathy. Maybe he's autistic and being overwhelmed suddenly having to fend for himself. I have a similar story, not having known I was autistic until I went to uni and it really hurts me to read all these people who judge some person they don't know (it might as well have been me) over 10 lines of text and advising OP to simply ditch him. People don't act like assholes just for no reason, it's a word we use as a quick and clean answer when can't be bothered to find the real answers. I feel sorry when people have such a negative view on life, but maybe you should not be handing out black and white advice to unknown people over the internet.
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On October 08 2013 06:53 Saechiis wrote:
I'm amazed how many people prefer the dickhead bum which should be dumped story over the possibility that OP's friend might have actual serious issues that explain his behaviour. Have some fucking empathy. Maybe he's autistic and being overwhelmed suddenly having to fend for himself. I have a similar story, not having known I was autistic until I went to uni and it really hurts me to read all these people who judge some person they don't know (it might as well have been me) over 10 lines of text and advising OP to simply ditch him. People don't act like assholes just for no reason, it's a word we use as a quick and clean answer when can't be bothered to find the real answers. I feel sorry when people have such a negative view on life, but maybe you should not be handing out such black and white advice to unknown people over the internet.
There's nothing wrong with being autistic and you should empathize with people with autism, knowing that they are different. Still, autism does not give you a carte blanche to not do things correctly. You can't just excuse bad behavior with autism (which is at least high-functioning enough that OP did not even mention it). The explicit term of a loan is that the loan is repaid, and the person is said to have bought random shit like magic cards while he still owed money. You can't explain that with just autism. He might not be a true asshole but he is a mooch and shows serious lack of personal responsibility.
I would get the money from the PStation and the father and then get him out of my life. You could also try to help him find a job if you want to keep him around but I wouldn't lend any more money.
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On October 08 2013 06:53 Saechiis wrote:
I'm amazed how many people prefer the dickhead bum which should be dumped story over the possibility that OP's friend might have actual serious issues that explain his behaviour. Have some fucking empathy. Maybe he's autistic and being overwhelmed suddenly having to fend for himself. I have a similar story, not having known I was autistic until I went to uni and it really hurts me to read all these people who judge some person they don't know (it might as well have been me) over 10 lines of text and advising OP to simply ditch him. People don't act like assholes just for no reason, it's a word we use as a quick and clean answer when can't be bothered to find the real answers. I feel sorry when people have such a negative view on life, but maybe you should not be handing out black and white advice to unknown people over the internet.
agree with you, you say my first point better that me, no one knows nothing about him yet everyone here to judge him?
Would also add that yes some time what you write in the internet change stuff or a person's life, he posted here because he don't know what to do in this situation, that's really not the best place for ask or go for advice ( go talk to a mutual friend or some other friend or your mother/father act ) but you still give I'm an advice, if he follow for example ''he not a good friend you should forget him'' then maybe the poor homeless guy kill himself,maybe what he need more curently are friend help, who know, think about what you post in the internet, they are real people reading what you write behind the screen.....
Some point in the story :
Left job, why ?
Why not accept dad help?
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On October 08 2013 06:53 Saechiis wrote:
I'm amazed how many people prefer the dickhead bum which should be dumped story over the possibility that OP's friend might have actual serious issues that explain his behaviour. Have some fucking empathy. Maybe he's autistic and being overwhelmed suddenly having to fend for himself. I have a similar story, not having known I was autistic until I went to uni and it really hurts me to read all these people who judge some person they don't know (it might as well have been me) over 10 lines of text and advising OP to simply ditch him. People don't act like assholes just for no reason, it's a word we use as a quick and clean answer when can't be bothered to find the real answers. I feel sorry when people have such a negative view on life, but maybe you should not be handing out black and white advice to unknown people over the internet.
money is the big difference here, not empathy
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Maybe he's a drug addict? Even for a loser this is very strange behaviour.
He's now got 1300 euros debt to me, and another 600 euros he borrowed from a mutual friend of ours. I doubt I will see the money for a good while.
never. never never never will you get that money back.
Never ever ever.
If you press him for it, it will make him angry and he won't be your friend anymore. Then he won't pay you. If you don't press him, he will not pay you. There is no way to get your money back from him.
Consider it gone. The absolute best case scenario is that dad pays you, nothing else will work out.
He responded that he can give me his playstation and games so I can sell it... So I feel like he really, really don't want to involve his dad.
That doesn't follow at all. If he didn't want to involve his dad he'd just sell it himself and give you the money... he just wants to avoid the effort of selling it.
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Your friend is obviously not fit for the real world as of yet. Get his dad involved so he can crack the whip on your friend's lazy ass. Money at this point is secondary, you can get the dad to pay you back or not, it doesn't really matter. What is important is that your friend is taught how not to be a bum and a beggar.
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On October 08 2013 09:18 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
Your friend is obviously not fit for the real world as of yet. Get his dad involved so he can crack the whip on your friend's lazy ass. Money at this point is secondary, you can get the dad to pay you back or not, it doesn't really matter. What is important is that your friend is taught how not to be a bum and a beggar.
I'm an empathetic kind of guy. Honestly, most people who are homeless don't want to be homeless, but are kind of lost in the world or are not ready/able to get around in the "real world" so well. They just need a helping hand. Your friend is refusing this helping hand and needs a kick in the fucking ass to accept the fact he's fucked up. I feel like there is more to this story than we are being told or more than the OP knows. I'd suggest going to his father, not asking for the money, and asking him to pick up his son and take him to get some psychological counseling. You're not getting your money back, but you can use that money to press people to make sure your friend stays safe.
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I reread this and it seems more and more likely to me that you friend has something like a mental illness or drug addiction.
- do you actually know he quit and was not fired? Doesn't his excuse seem silly?
- he's told contradictory things to you and your friend about the status of his relationship with his parents, which to me indicates they may have cut him off. It makes no sense that he would refuse their money out of pride.
- it seems very unlikely to me that he's so lazy that he's going to be homeless in fucking freezing sweden rather than work - something else might be occupying his time?
- He was getting money from the government? I'm unclear on this - how do you know there was actually a problem with his studymoney paperwork and this was not a lie?. If was getting money, and he was still borrowing from you, where is all this cash going? Very strange, yes?
It seems highly probable to me that your friend is a junkie and you have been essentially feeding his drug habit. Of course it is also possible that is not true, I'm just saying what seems *most* likely.
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On October 08 2013 05:36 TOCHMY wrote:
Thanks for all the advice and views guys!
I'd say there must be a problem. I've known the guy since we were like 6 years old, albeit never really close, we always hung out. And he's not a dickhead bum.
If i think about it, he's a really special guy, hard to fit in and super shy, even towards us "close" friend that he hangs out with. So if there's some problem with his dad, he won't tell us.
But I don't really know his father either, it was like 7 or 8 years since I last met him. I dunno what to do really. I told him to his father to sell his stuff (like excessive videogames and magic cards, some of which he actually bought while owing me money), and send the money to my bankaccount. He responded that he can give me his playstation and games so I can sell it... So I feel like he really, really don't want to involve his dad.
I would just avoid the subject for now. You can't get blood from a stone(old saying that means you can't get something from nothing). The guy is broke, depressed and likely has everyone else chasing him for money. If he gets a roof over his head and at some point gets spending money, he can work on paying you back. If he wants to give you his belongings in exchange for money(and you are willing to accept that), then I guess you could do that too.
But chasing people who are broke for money is a waste of time and will only harass him. Just accept that fact that you might never get your money back and just hope your friends life doesn't get any worse.
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Does he not have family who can support him? O_o
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Give him a reasonable time limit, and say if he doesn't get it to you by then, you're going to involve his dad. Or ask for small periodic payments (start small while he's jobless, but increase the amount as soon as he has steady income).
And get him to sell his own damn Playstation/games. If he doesn't have a job, then he should be writing job apps for most of the day and selling that stuff for the rest of the day. -__-
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On October 08 2013 12:25 babylon wrote:
Give him a reasonable time limit, and say if he doesn't get it to you by then, you're going to involve his dad. Or ask for small periodic payments (start small while he's jobless, but increase the amount as soon as he has steady income).
And get him to sell his own damn Playstation/games. If he doesn't have a job, then he should be writing job apps for most of the day and selling that stuff for the rest of the day. -__-
Yeah wtf... It's not your job to sell his stuff to get your money. What the hell is he doing with all his time anyways? Clearly not working.
I'm inclined to say don't get your hopes up on getting you're money back. I mean it's worth poking at to see, but I'd still cut ties with him regardless of whether you actually do or don't get your money back.
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Don't want to be too harsh here, but you are who you hang out with. This guy sounds like a loser and already his "friendship" has cost you financially and most likely emotionally as well. Forget the money and count it as a learning experience. Remove this guy from your life would be my advice. I've had plenty of friends and family in my life that did this. These relationships cost me around $17,000 before I wised up after having kids and saw how destructive irresponsible people are to those around them.
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Wow a lot of people have really good opinions in this thread. This is really cool and somewhat surprising. I sort of expected a lot more, "cut all ties with this asshole," posts.
<3 the people in this blog.
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Hey guys,
some FAQ:
His work - I don't know if he got fired or if he quit. I can see the "I didn't fit in" excuse working, because the guy doesn't fit in with a lot of people. Still, it's a real bad excuse after borrowing money from me (This was the point that I said no to more moneylending).
His dad - I basically do not know anything else than what I've heard from my friends. The bloke who owes me states that they "abandoned" him, while a mutual friend says that his dad has offered help but the bloke refuses it. How he knows this, I don't know. So yes, there seems to be some problems there that I don't know about, and maybe have nothing to do with. I'm afraid that I'll stir up some shit if I involve his dad.
And for those who says "Ask him about it". It's not that simple. It's hard to explain, but this dude he's like shy with us close friends. When asked, he just puts on a weird face or dodges the question, or just doesn't answer at all.
School subsidy - He didn't get money from the government as far as I know. That's what he told me at least. First there was some trouble with the papers (could as well be him not attending school properly, getting too much abscense). And after 3 months, without subsidy according to him, he quit school. To start the new job. That he left a month later...
He's not a junkie, thats for sure.
I think the problem really is that he is a really socially awkward guy, who enjoys solitude and LoL, who's become too comfortable with getting money without doing anything himself.
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do here. I've taken in all your thoughts and advice, I've asked my parents for advice and my friends. Everyone has had similar advice. Someone mentioned suicide in this thread. This is a possibilty that I fear is very real. That's why I don't want to push him. I guess the only real option is involving his dad, even though I don't know the situation there. Even if I don't get my money from his dad, maybe he can help his son better than I can...
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You were naive and he used you. Your "friend" is a parasite that will keep leeching off of other people as long as they let him.
Also, your math sucks: 400 + 300 + 400 + 300 = 1400.
I hope you get your money back but otherwise this will be a good lesson in trust.
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How do his problems compare to you, in all your luxury, having 1300 Euro less?
Stop caring about something as ridiculous as cash and start helping your friend!
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On October 08 2013 18:22 Passion wrote:
How do his problems compare to you, in all your luxury, having 1300 Euro less?
Stop caring about something as ridiculous as cash and start helping your friend!
How about you take over the debt for him and pay me my 1300 euros if it's as ridiculous as you claim?
And if you read my post literally 2 posts above yours, you'd indeed know that I'm trying my best to help him still, after 2 years and 1300 euros...
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On October 08 2013 18:25 TOCHMY wrote:Show nested quote +On October 08 2013 18:22 Passion wrote:
How do his problems compare to you, in all your luxury, having 1300 Euro less?
Stop caring about something as ridiculous as cash and start helping your friend! How about you take over the debt for him and pay me my 1300 euros if it's as ridiculous as you claim? And if you read my post literally 2 posts above yours, you'd indeed know that I'm trying my best to help him still, after 2 years and 1300 euros...
I have my own friends with their own debts.
But it's good to see you react in such feisty manner, I guess that's some guilt showing. At the same time, no reason to be so aggressive towards me. I don't owe you anything. I'm just trying to help you better your ways.
Do you need the 1300 to the point you're starving? No. So stop acting like you're some Samaritan.
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On October 08 2013 18:33 Passion wrote:Show nested quote +On October 08 2013 18:25 TOCHMY wrote:On October 08 2013 18:22 Passion wrote:
How do his problems compare to you, in all your luxury, having 1300 Euro less?
Stop caring about something as ridiculous as cash and start helping your friend! How about you take over the debt for him and pay me my 1300 euros if it's as ridiculous as you claim? And if you read my post literally 2 posts above yours, you'd indeed know that I'm trying my best to help him still, after 2 years and 1300 euros... I have my own friends with their own debts. But it's good to see you react in such feisty manner, I guess that's some guilt showing. At the same time, no reason to be so aggressive towards me. I don't owe you anything. I'm just trying to help you better your ways. Do you need the 1300 to the point you're starving? No. So stop acting like you're some Samaritan.
Of course I act in such a feisty manner when you paint me as the bad guy not even trying to help my homeless friend. Screw you man
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On October 08 2013 18:36 TOCHMY wrote:Show nested quote +On October 08 2013 18:33 Passion wrote:On October 08 2013 18:25 TOCHMY wrote:On October 08 2013 18:22 Passion wrote:
How do his problems compare to you, in all your luxury, having 1300 Euro less?
Stop caring about something as ridiculous as cash and start helping your friend! How about you take over the debt for him and pay me my 1300 euros if it's as ridiculous as you claim? And if you read my post literally 2 posts above yours, you'd indeed know that I'm trying my best to help him still, after 2 years and 1300 euros... I have my own friends with their own debts. But it's good to see you react in such feisty manner, I guess that's some guilt showing. At the same time, no reason to be so aggressive towards me. I don't owe you anything. I'm just trying to help you better your ways. Do you need the 1300 to the point you're starving? No. So stop acting like you're some Samaritan. Of course I act in such a feisty manner when you paint me as the bad guy not even trying to help my homeless friend. Screw you man
I'm not, or at least didn't intend to. But to me this question is super simple. He can't pay, the missing of 1300 euro doesn't compare to his situation, so obviously, the money topic should be handled at a latter point, currently I'd focus on helping him as much as possible to get his life back on track (which I don't think should consist of further financial support, by the way).
But seriously, your aggressive reaction seems to imply there's more to it...
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Well there isn't more to it and thats that.
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On October 08 2013 18:42 TOCHMY wrote:
Well there isn't more to it and thats that.
Are you sure?
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On October 08 2013 01:37 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On October 08 2013 01:10 woreyour wrote:
good for you then but this does not help him, i am not sure why you need to say this but its like bragging or trolling. People can really be shitty with money but can be good friends and I for one will not be judging people at first glance, I for one have a good friend, loyal but when he started borrowing money and not paying the 1st time I just stop and told him "hey we are good friends but you really need to pay me back, are you selling your friendship for that amount". It is just u cant see these things ahead but I guess twice is good enough for you to know when to stop. You still helped him once or twice but not on the 3rd time or if you cant see him trying. You misjudge my intentions... I was just piling onto the idea that his friend is a dick and he shouldn't associate with such a person. It's incredibly disrespectful to quit a job when you need to pay back somebody. But also I legitimately think it's a sad state of affairs when people have to be so distrustful of each others.
okay I have your point now. yeah surely he should not be friend with the guy but I suggest he keeps contact with him unless he wants to totally abandon the hope of him paying him. I will also strongly suggest to not lend him money ever, tell him to pay 1st then probably after payment he should be wary of lending money.
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Unless you know something I don't, there is nothing more to it than I've wrote above.
I react agressively partly due to your douchy way of posting, and due to the stress this dilemma is putting on me.
On one hand, I need the money, maybe not RIGHT NOW and I can survive without it, but 1300 is alot of money, and let's just say I don't plan on living at my mum's for another 2 years...
On the other hand, you're right. The dude's got problems. Problems he brought upon himself. I do want to help him, but he refuses to be helped, as you'd know if you'd read my post above, again...
okay I have your point now. yeah surely he should not be friend with the guy but I suggest he keeps contact with him unless he wants to totally abandon the hope of him paying him. I will also strongly suggest to not lend him money ever, tell him to pay 1st then probably after payment he should be wary of lending money.
Trust me man, I've learnt my lesson. I'm not lending anyone money again, at least not such big sums. And especially not for such long periods.
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[QUOTE]On October 08 2013 03:34 NeThZOR wrote:
[QUOTE]On October 08 2013 01:10 woreyour wrote:
[/QUOTE]
+ Show Spoiler +[QUOTE] On October 08 2013 01:10 woreyour wrote:[QUOTE] On October 08 2013 00:09 Djzapz wrote:[QUOTE] On October 07 2013 22:58 Elegy wrote:Money "loaned" to friends is money that you should consider a gift. Never loan money to friends or family and expect to get it back. Your friend sounds like a useless sod. You don't quit your job because the pay sucks when you owe people money and are going to be homeless. You will likely never get your money back. [/QUOTE] I've never lent money that I didn't get back. I've even recently, like 4-5 months ago, lent $300 to a guy from Wisconsin who I only met once in my life at Blizzcon 2009. Internet buddy guy. I constantly lend 20's left and right to friends and they systematically get it back to me. I've lent $3000 to a cousin also and he paid back in full a few months later and bought me dinner . I think it's sad that it's so common for people to know that they can't trust their own family and friends with money. What kind of fucks do you guys associate with -_- [QUOTE]
+ Show Spoiler +
good for you then but this does not help him, i am not sure why you need to say this but its like bragging or trolling. People can really be shitty with money but can be good friends and I for one will not be judging people at first glance, I for one have a good friend, loyal but when he started borrowing money and not paying the 1st time I just stop and told him "hey we are good friends but you really need to pay me back, are you selling your friendship for that amount". It is just u cant see these things ahead but I guess twice is good enough for you to know when to stop. You still helped him once or twice but not on the 3rd time or if you cant see him trying.
Fix those quotes please :<
haha boy you are OC, thanks, having trouble with the qoutes and compatibility view in IE (at the office  )
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On October 08 2013 18:51 TOCHMY wrote:Unless you know something I don't, there is nothing more to it than I've wrote above. I react agressively partly due to your douchy way of posting, and due to the stress this dilemma is putting on me. On one hand, I need the money, maybe not RIGHT NOW and I can survive without it, but 1300 is alot of money, and let's just say I don't plan on living at my mum's for another 2 years... On the other hand, you're right. The dude's got problems. Problems he brought upon himself. I do want to help him, but he refuses to be helped, as you'd know if you'd read my post above, again... Show nested quote +okay I have your point now. yeah surely he should not be friend with the guy but I suggest he keeps contact with him unless he wants to totally abandon the hope of him paying him. I will also strongly suggest to not lend him money ever, tell him to pay 1st then probably after payment he should be wary of lending money. Trust me man, I've learnt my lesson. I'm not lending anyone money again, at least not such big sums. And especially not for such long periods.
Yes dont lend BIG amounts when you know he cant pay or just lend once (helping a friend).
I lend a lot my self, some I had them paying some dont. I just leave statements like "if thats the value of our friendship so be it" it just makes you choose your better friends to keep. It helps them rethink their actions and conscience but I tend not to cut the ties as to give them hope but I make sure they dont abuse by borrowing more.
I have some friends I lent money that payed me back and they are very thankful that I was able to help them in dire times. They even payed me back more (in other things I need and not money like job favor/assistance in their specialized fields eg advertising, networking and connections) and also made our friendship/ bonds stronger.
the thing is dont burn bridges, you will never know what the future holds.
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On October 08 2013 18:51 TOCHMY wrote:Unless you know something I don't, there is nothing more to it than I've wrote above. I react agressively partly due to your douchy way of posting, and due to the stress this dilemma is putting on me. On one hand, I need the money, maybe not RIGHT NOW and I can survive without it, but 1300 is alot of money, and let's just say I don't plan on living at my mum's for another 2 years... On the other hand, you're right. The dude's got problems. Problems he brought upon himself. I do want to help him, but he refuses to be helped, as you'd know if you'd read my post above, again... Show nested quote +okay I have your point now. yeah surely he should not be friend with the guy but I suggest he keeps contact with him unless he wants to totally abandon the hope of him paying him. I will also strongly suggest to not lend him money ever, tell him to pay 1st then probably after payment he should be wary of lending money. Trust me man, I've learnt my lesson. I'm not lending anyone money again, at least not such big sums. And especially not for such long periods.
You'd be able to live on your own for 2 years from a months worth of minimum wage?
But yea if money is so important to you, stop lending it to people.
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On October 08 2013 19:09 Passion wrote:Show nested quote +On October 08 2013 18:51 TOCHMY wrote:Unless you know something I don't, there is nothing more to it than I've wrote above. I react agressively partly due to your douchy way of posting, and due to the stress this dilemma is putting on me. On one hand, I need the money, maybe not RIGHT NOW and I can survive without it, but 1300 is alot of money, and let's just say I don't plan on living at my mum's for another 2 years... On the other hand, you're right. The dude's got problems. Problems he brought upon himself. I do want to help him, but he refuses to be helped, as you'd know if you'd read my post above, again... okay I have your point now. yeah surely he should not be friend with the guy but I suggest he keeps contact with him unless he wants to totally abandon the hope of him paying him. I will also strongly suggest to not lend him money ever, tell him to pay 1st then probably after payment he should be wary of lending money. Trust me man, I've learnt my lesson. I'm not lending anyone money again, at least not such big sums. And especially not for such long periods. You'd be able to live on your own for 2 years from a months worth of minimum wage? But yea if money is so important to you, stop lending it to people.
A whole months pay directly into my savings account would greatly push me towards moving to my own place, yes. In order to get my own apartment I have to put forth a starting sum to be able to buy an apartment. Money which I don't have, obviously.
It's not like I don't have any expenses you know. I barely have enough money to put away 100 euro each month. And yes, money is pretty important for me in my current situation, else I wouldn't post this thread.
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The money is gone. You aren't getting it back. Treat it as an expensive lesson learned, move on and never lend money to anyone ever again.
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Don't know how strong is the friendship but lending or accepting money will always test the relationship.
If he's like your best friend assume it as a gift, then eventually he'll pay you back and if he's a sensible person he will feel guilty in the meantime and cut communication with you for a while until he can repay.
When he will repay don't be that asshole who doesn't accept it because that would mean he will always feel in guilt and the relationship will die over time.
From what you've written sounds like "a" friend so feel free to pressure to get your money back.
In friends and money whatever you do is wrong basically.
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Hey guys, just an update for you.
I've decided not to involve my friend's father. Instead, I've told him to try to get his shit together, get a job or go to school, and pay me back when he can, if 1 year from now or 5 years, it doesn't matter.
Thanks for all your good advice and support!
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You don't borrow people money, you lend people money... sorry just one of my pet peeves.
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Thank you, I'll remember that
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EPT
