A poem story I was writing but I ultimately decided I didn't like it so I am done with it,
Hair the color of pink
An organization of boys and older women Sharing a locker room like a military academy Pink flames above the steamy mists The women watch Assurance that life will be better in the years to come “You will see my body Imagine the touch of my skin in five years little Lucifer” A pink blush on a thirteen year old face
The horizon A red sky stained with the past A love that ceased to exist The Almighty Massacre The women from the Other Side Tread with spears made of parent bones
A memory of floral five-panels, getting lost in Arkansas woods, war amongst children and adults, pleasure of Cheerio mornings, the optometrist who prescribed you with broken glasses, the phone numbers of all your friends, the eyes that vibrated care – empathy, the abandoned house adventures, et cetera et cetera et cetera murdered The day of the invasion
All that was left were scrambled, brood infants Thirteen years pass Victim memories like the man who stands on the sun The past The literature History preserved that flows in the wind
“What is on your mind, Forren” “I desire...” Bel air afternoon “...to go in the woods this evening” The garret is a realm of silence “Listen, Lucifer” The room nurtures a feeling of armistice Peaceful herald “That is weird” “I know”
A strict, unforgiving schedule Wake at 6 o'clock Academy from 7 o'clock to 12 o'clock Service from 13 o'clock to 17 o'clock Freedom from 17 o'clock to 21 o'clock All must be in their bed from 22 o'clock to 6 o'clock
No one knows of god The straight lies From the history texts set before them they know of what used to be The plan was to tell the – in five years time – boys the whole truth Where are all the young girls? After the Almighty Massacre the feminine infants were transferred back to the Other Side Obsessions over these answers have been made clear The Mothers halted these obsessions Texan force and soft whispers “In time, for now you are not ready”
The homes for most of these boys are apartment complexes A whole one bedroom apartment for one prepubescent boy Allowed a radio, a bed, toys, trinkets, and books One had the freedom to make his space decorative or subtle
The boys became fond of reading over the years Their apartments held a plethora of different genres The tastes of the boys' minds An eccentric mind would be reading R. L. Stine Graphic novels Absence of literature Patient minds will be reading poetry Books found in an archive of modern classics The confusing, but interesting biographies They would be trying to write their own inspired stories
A lifestyle Created Welcomed a new type of loneliness
A loneliness that makes one ponder why everyone is the same age A loneliness that forces one to read deeper into the history texts Loneliness that makes one fear what will happen in five years time Loneliness that Israel feels after America abandons her A loneliness New York sells to the tourists Loneliness that makes being unique depressing The loneliness that is blood dripped on Wisconsin snow A horrible horny loneliness Pink haired women in body armor Taunting loneliness Lonely mongrels Lonely gutters Lonely red rain
The academy teaches the white history The class ends with a cigarette break Cockroach history Malevolence is wrong
hi popping in to say things about things that i specifically liked
specific lines: "an organization of boys and older women"
"getting lost in Arkansas woods"
"Texan force and soft/ whispers"
"The loneliness that is blood dripped on Wisconsin snow"
"A horrible horny loneliness"
"Taunting loneliness Lonely mongrels Lonely gutters Lonely red rain"
things that i thought specifically about when reading:
section about "strict schedule" seemed weird in terms of the way it is structures, there is a contrast between the "strict schedule" and the way that "o'clock" moves through that section, i feel almost like the form is going against you here, but also felt like there's definitely something here that you can play with in terms of the halting sort of stop and start thing you have going in this passage
which brings me to thinking about the structure as a whole, which was interesting to me to have the line breaks coming at odd places, the general lack of punctuation, and the capitalization, i wasnt completely sure exactly how it was meant to be presented, what it wanted me to do with it, etc., but i think that you did this on purpose although reading the poem over there are definitely places that i wouldnt have had line breaks where you do (if you intend on the line breaks having, for the most part, junctures)
there are some parts of it that i didnt like or particularly care for: -using the name "lucifer" mostly because i think its dangerous to use a name like that with the sort of "past meanings" that it has, it feels impossible for this poem to get past that so you end up (dangerously) invoking all these other spirits and shades of the meaning of the name etc. previous usages etc. -the term "almighty massacre"- dunno just dont rly like it -the phrase "the horizon/ a red sky stained with the past" because it doesnt mean anything,or create anything, or imagine anything, -reference to "the Other Side" feels particularly "cheesy" this gets in the way of a line that i would have ordinarily liked, the thing like "the women tread with spears made of parent* bones" -*dont like the word parent here,
i dont really feel the desire to continue because i think that these things that i point out (that i dont like) all follow the same sort of pattern and you can see sort of where im going with this and kind of extrapolate from there,
this feels interesting to me though, i like the brokenness of it, i think you would do right to experiment with a greater fragmentation in the voices, (a lot of the line breaks felt conducive to this, but i mean to push it more and see where it goes)
The cheesyness of it all was what made me just feel not going any further. So thank you for pointing out what was the really cheesy parts of it, so that if/when I do go back to it, I'll know what to change.
EPT
