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I had a bad break up. It happens. It took me some months to heal (and will probably
take some more) but that's life. By looking back, I feel more anger than sadness. I
felt this before - I had two relationships prior to the last one - and I know that I
need time and patience.
However, there is a new element in the picture which is worrying me. I realized that
after my last break up I've started to fear women. I've started to be disgusted and
horrified by their dirty talk (which between friends is WAY worse than men's one). I
don't know why, it just sounds and looks wrong to me. Notice that this is not double
standards: I dislike men who sleep with a lot of girls etc. However, there's
something about girl that makes this more unappealling to me.
We are teached from young age that girls are the pretty ones, the ones who play with
dolls, who draw flowers, who wear nice coloured clothes. So when I hear them
spitting out disgusting details about their careless sex encounters, it makes me
feel sick.
What is this leading to? I may like some girls, but my brain immediately processes
them in one of this two categories:
1) had a boyfriend/had a sexual life: bad. Not suitable for a relationship. She's
spoiled.
2) never had a boyfriend. Pure. Suitable for a relationship. Even if difficult, it's
worth trying.
As you can imagine, not many girls in their 20s are in category number 2. In fact I
only know one in my social group (30-40 people).
This change of mindset, as I told you, occurred after my last relationship. I was
with a girl who had a turboulent past, I did my best to try to forget it, I
continued to repeat myself that she had changed. In the end, she left me as she did
with all her past bfs, giving my subconscious a feast of emotional distress.
It's strange. My first girl treated me so bad in the end, but when we broke up and
after I healed, I had the desire to go out there and find a better girl, not caring
about her past. Now I do, in a worrying way.
In all honesty, I have no idea how to overcome this. I obsess about past partners, I
obsess about details that wouldn't matter at all. I can't stand the thought of a
girl kissing you, while days/weeks/months ago she was kissing a dude's c***.
You're telling me I did the same, and now I'm going by double standards? Maybe
you're right, but I really wish I didn't. If I could go back in time, I would just
wait for a girl to share my whole life with. No short stories, no liars, no bad
exes.
It may look silly, but this situation is so difficult to handle...
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Your breakup didn't cause these problems, they just exacerbated them. You spoke about your issues with girls having slept with guys before in your first blog on TL, and you seem obsessed with this elusive idea of "purity." Which, let's face it, if you've masturbated before, guy or gal, you're not "pure" anymore.
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Babylon, you remember <3
Actually, I consider purity something along the line of 'not having given yourself to an other', so masturbating is not a factor.
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Oh, in that case, it's still true that you do have a double standard that's informed in some ways by sexism and society's expectation of gender roles. Women aren't obliged to be "pure," and they certainly aren't all "the pretty ones, the ones who play with dolls, who draw flowers, who wear nice coloured clothes," etc.
But you are aware of this. If you do not feel at ease with yourself about it, then you should seek out professional counseling, especially if it's affecting your ability to pursue a relationship. I wish I could offer more advice, but it's really what you say it is ... you have a problem, you acknowledge you have one, you acknowledge its causes and its roots, and now you just have to work it out for yourself. :/
For the record, I think it's fine to feel discomfited when hearing people talk dirty about sex. I'm often that way, but it holds for all genders for me, and it's primarily when they speak of it in a particular way (e.g. especially in a blasé manner). It is less the fact that they speak about sex than the fact that they possess a certain attitude towards sex that is expressed in their manner of speech -- and it is primarily that attitude that I find distasteful.
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Cmpletely agree with your last paragraph. Thanks for the help, I was thinking about counseling too...
Thanks Babylon 
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Maybe you're a homosexual? (You don't seem turned on by the idea of women.... pretty sure that's a sign of homosexuality).
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it's not fear dude. you don't trust them. fine. use them to your own benefit for a while till you find someone that you think you like
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On April 04 2013 08:10 SoSexy wrote:
I had a bad break up. It happens. It took me some months to heal (and will probably
take some more) but that's life. By looking back, I feel more anger than sadness. I
felt this before - I had two relationships prior to the last one - and I know that I
need time and patience.
However, there is a new element in the picture which is worrying me. I realized that
after my last break up I've started to fear women. I've started to be disgusted and
horrified by their dirty talk (which between friends is WAY worse than men's one). I
don't know why, it just sounds and looks wrong to me. Notice that this is not double
standards: I dislike men who sleep with a lot of girls etc. However, there's
something about girl that makes this more unappealling to me.
We are teached from young age that girls are the pretty ones, the ones who play with
dolls, who draw flowers, who wear nice coloured clothes. So when I hear them
spitting out disgusting details about their careless sex encounters, it makes me
feel sick.
What is this leading to? I may like some girls, but my brain immediately processes
them in one of this two categories:
1) had a boyfriend/had a sexual life: bad. Not suitable for a relationship. She's
spoiled.
2) never had a boyfriend. Pure. Suitable for a relationship. Even if difficult, it's
worth trying.
As you can imagine, not many girls in their 20s are in category number 2. In fact I
only know one in my social group (30-40 people).
This change of mindset, as I told you, occurred after my last relationship. I was
with a girl who had a turboulent past, I did my best to try to forget it, I
continued to repeat myself that she had changed. In the end, she left me as she did
with all her past bfs, giving my subconscious a feast of emotional distress.
It's strange. My first girl treated me so bad in the end, but when we broke up and
after I healed, I had the desire to go out there and find a better girl, not caring
about her past. Now I do, in a worrying way.
In all honesty, I have no idea how to overcome this. I obsess about past partners, I
obsess about details that wouldn't matter at all. I can't stand the thought of a
girl kissing you, while days/weeks/months ago she was kissing a dude's c***.
You're telling me I did the same, and now I'm going by double standards? Maybe
you're right, but I really wish I didn't. If I could go back in time, I would just
wait for a girl to share my whole life with. No short stories, no liars, no bad
exes.
It may look silly, but this situation is so difficult to handle...
realy want to help you man , so i have reply , your view just feal wrong to me and you realy need to change it or you will never be happy in your whole life , or sexual life.
you need to change some big point , the first one = your view on girl in general
girl are just like man , they are not alien or any kind of strange creature , you put them up like they are something special and that wrong , im guessing that because you have not hang out with many girl or get to know many of them realy good ,
the first thing you can do for change that , try to get some girl to be your friend , the more you can and treat them just like you would if they were one of best male friend .
the other point about girl who got sex or bf before you : for many guy that because they feal not confident in themselve when they have sex with the girl , will im going to be good ? that ok ? im doing fine ? because she did got many other man before you . the only wait you can fix that ?
get more sex
hit the bar , bang 20++ girl , if they are drunk and if you are drunk , you will care less about your bed skill and you will gain confidence , you are saying you got into 2 relationship , so you need more EXP .
other point : everyone dirty , boy girl , you should not care about getting only girl who are virgin , they are bad at sex anyway.
about the other problem `>what the girl have done before meeting you will go away if you do the other point , if you are disgusted about girl sucking other guy dick before you , try to masturbate at gay porn for one week ....... nah seriously , at some point it will not matter if you do the other point .
realy hope i have help you , post how this go and what you do !!
GOOD LUCK !!
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I think this isn't about purity. Maybe you are just insecure and have trust issues.
If it's really about purity you have a serious problem. Italy in 2013? You weren't brought up in a cloister, were you? Are you very religious?
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Pretty sure I'm not gay.
Also, I have plenty of female friends, I'm quite confident with women. I used to have trust issues in the past, but not now. Long time ago I wasn't like that, but I'm studying philosophy at university and I always find myself thinking about stuff, about morals etc. I realized that I changed my mind about a lot of things...
Also, if I had trust issues, I wouldn't try to approach girls. I could have sex with some girls in this period, I just don't see them as girlfriend material.
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Quebecman is right about one thing : you don't have this kind of problem if you reduce yourself into thinking of women as mere pieces of flesh. The problem that you have, SoSexy, is nothing to be truly worried about. I mean, it is a problem, a moral one, an existential one, but it's gonna stick... or its appearance is gonna change up.
What I did to live with it is a sort of dialectical approach, where I always go back to my image. For example : This girl did x y z, she's not girlfriend material. Oh, I did x, y, z, am I boyfriend material ? How is it that I can live with myself if I can't live with some kind of equivalent in another being ? etc.
Oh and I suggest you watch some of Scorsese's movies, he's obsessed with your questionning.
GL
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On April 04 2013 08:10 SoSexy wrote:
We are teached from young age that girls are the pretty ones, the ones who play with
dolls, who draw flowers, who wear nice coloured clothes. So when I hear them
spitting out disgusting details about their careless sex encounters, it makes me
feel sick.
Dude wtf. We're also taught about Santa Claus. We get over it.
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Thank you for your inputs guys! They're always helpful
Heat_023, you gave me some food for thoughts. I like your going back to your image, but I fear it may be more difficult than that if you leave the door open for 'change'. One example to explain what I mean:
x = a thing you consider disgusting
girl did x - you didn't = she loses value in your eyes, look for another one. The thing would end here, but change is there to complicate things. In fact you may think 'she did x, I didn't but man, she really regrets having done certain stuff. So is she gf material?
This was a bit off topic, but your post inspired me to evolve your dialectic reasoning. I hope this problem will change form, possibly one that I can grasp in its entirety. Thanks for the hint on Scorsese, I didn't know that!
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Madonna/Whore complex much?
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I don't ask girls about their past, and I don't tell them mine. I don't make a habit of asking questions I might not like the answer to and I don't share information that could somehow come back to bite me in the ass. Maybe you should try this as well?
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EPT
