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Teamliquid Writers: A Shocking Exposé

Blogs > kollin
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1 2 Next All
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 21:52 GMT
#1
I'm sure many of you have heard about the wonderland of joy and effervescence that is the TeamLiquid Writing Staff. I have discovered through years of research and hard work, things could not be more different. In this article I will attempt to shed some light on the quite frankly appalling conditions of the TeamLiquid Writing Staff sweatshop. After paying some of the higher ups a significant amount of cash, they let me and what I could fit in a small carrier bag into the small cramped room that rotting carcasses and fresh new trial writers alike share. The first thing that I noticed as I strolled inside was the smell. A pungent odour assaulted my nostrils, a mixture of sweat, blood and some oddly coloured liquid my tour guide Heyoka assured me wasn't poisonous.

I forced myself to stop sticking my fists up my nostrils and take in my surroundings. There were multiple computers lined up against the wall, and in them sat hunched, skeletal figures. At first I was not even sure if they were people until i heard the click-clacking sound of keyboards, as recap after recap was relentlessly pumped out from their minds. Mattresses were scattered around the dirty floor, covered in blood, sweat, tears and God knows what else. While I had seen some disgusting things in my time (I'm sure you all remember my article on KMD), nothing prepared me for the other...items on the floor. Hands lay there, the wrists broken and shattered. I would hazard a guess that these hands belonged to the former employees of this mad regime, and the wrists were strained so much the hands actually dropped off. From there, the employee was sacrificed to the 3 Old Gods of Nazgul, Meat and Rekrul. How do I know that you ask? Because the mutilated corpses lay there, and no one payed any heed to them. I walked towards the hunchbacks sat in the chairs, endlessly working away to provide content for the hungry masses. I tapped one on the shoulder, but I got no response. A nameplate on his monitor told me his name was Fionn. On closer inspection, he seemed to be asleep.

I moved onto the next desk, where I found a young fellow by the name of Zealously. He seemed to have temporarily stopped working to stare at a picture of the popular programer Life. He seemed to be grunting under his breath, and whether or not that was out of joy or pain it was hard to tell. The other work stations were empty, the employees must be dead or taking their 30 minutes of sleep they are allowed for each week. Heyoka kept us moving onto the back of the room, where the head honcho of this horrible hellhole waited. His name is Waxangel, and he sat on a gold-adorned throne, with 3 monitors surrounding him. It was rumoured he had watched every game of Starcraft ever played, and you could see why. His head snapped back and forth between the screens, taking in all the information. His grotesque 6 arms which sprouted out his back flew across the keyboard, editing the peons articles. At his right hand sat a man dressed purely in grey linen, with a shaved head. He seemed to be playing chess with himself, and Heyoka later told me his name was monk. My nervous tour guide then cracked some joke about monk losing his period, which I found utterly distasteful, having just lost my own. After one last sweep of the smelly, sordid room which revealed little more than the sleeping writers, I decided to depart. I originally had planned to stay and experience what it was like to write under these conditions, but I feared my willpower was not strong enough.

I hope this article has shown you, Teamliquid is not perfect. It is a great hulking beast, and like any beast there is some beauty. However, we must not be fooled into complacency by the beauty, and we must stay ever vigilant against the likes of Waxangel and his henchman. I am hatching a plan to destroy this decrepit organisation from the inside, I will reveal more at a later date. For now, I say spare a moment for those who are forced to work under these horrific conditions. They are few, and their burden is great. I'll do what I can, and I ask that you do the same. Good night and God bless.

+ Show Spoiler +
Nothing in this article should be taken as fact, and should probably be ignored entirely


****
Darkren
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
Canada1841 Posts
March 19 2013 21:57 GMT
#2
How do i get in the Resistance?
"Yeah, I send (hopefully) helpful PM's quite frequently. You don't have to warn/ban everything" - KadaverBB
AsmodeusXI
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States15536 Posts
March 19 2013 21:58 GMT
#3
I hope you went into witness protection. Gods help you regardless.
WriterTL > RL. BNet: Asmodeus#1187 - LoL: DJForeclosure - Steam: asmodeusxi | www.n3rddimension.com
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 22:00 GMT
#4
You contribute to the community, make me have a reason for inviting you. The one night, you will go to sleep in your bed thinking of that beautiful bowl of cereal you will have the following morning. If I have decided you are worthy, I will transport you to the Resistance headquarters, here in the Blog section.
neoghaleon55
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States7435 Posts
March 19 2013 22:18 GMT
#5
But surely waxangel isn't as bad as you say, I once saw him offering the children sweets and drives them around in his large van.
moo...for DRG
thezanursic
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
5478 Posts
March 19 2013 22:20 GMT
#6
Hahahaha, 5/5
http://i45.tinypic.com/9j2cdc.jpg Let it be so!
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 22:21 GMT
#7
On March 20 2013 07:18 neoghaleon55 wrote:
But surely waxangel isn't as bad as you say, I once saw him offering the children sweets and drives them around in his large van.

That child-friendly manner he has is just a mask, hiding the true evil inside of him.
Zealously
Profile Blog Joined October 2011
East Gorteau22261 Posts
March 19 2013 22:26 GMT
#8
This is even better than I was hoping for =D
AdministratorBreak the chains
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 22:29 GMT
#9
Thanks, the idea came to me while I was brushing my teeth oddly enough.
Zealously
Profile Blog Joined October 2011
East Gorteau22261 Posts
March 19 2013 22:35 GMT
#10
It is my understanding that the greatest ideas visit you in the bathroom!
AdministratorBreak the chains
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 22:36 GMT
#11
O_O
neoghaleon55
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States7435 Posts
March 19 2013 22:45 GMT
#12
On March 20 2013 07:35 Zealously wrote:
It is my understanding that the greatest ideas visit you in the bathroom!


A lot of things visit me in my bathroom...
moo...for DRG
Kittan
Profile Joined April 2012
Poland3999 Posts
March 19 2013 22:47 GMT
#13
5/5 for bravery, but unfortunately my image of TL writing staff has been formed very early on by this masterpiece, so no ugly rumour can ever taint the beautiful scene in my head.

I believe in the order of things, viva la regime!
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=81288 <--- How I fell in love with a man, a team, a game and a website in a single day... | "There are no false gods, there is only the Emperor, and Choi Yun Sung is his prophet." -> Zona 40k
Mothra
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States1448 Posts
March 19 2013 22:48 GMT
#14
"The horror! The horror!"
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 22:50 GMT
#15
On March 20 2013 07:47 Kittan wrote:
5/5 for bravery, but unfortunately my image of TL writing staff has been formed very early on by this masterpiece, so no ugly rumour can ever taint the beautiful scene in my head.

I believe in the order of things, viva la regime!

That was a long time ago, before riptide joined the dark side and Waxangel corrupted himself somehow. Or something.
Karis Vas Ryaar
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States4396 Posts
March 19 2013 22:59 GMT
#16
haha great as always kollin
"I'm not agreeing with a lot of Virus's decisions but they are working" Tasteless. Ipl4 Losers Bracket Virus 2-1 Maru
eviltomahawk
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States11135 Posts
March 19 2013 23:14 GMT
#17
I'm eagerly waiting for the responses from the TL writers
ㅇㅅㅌㅅ
WikidSik
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
Canada382 Posts
March 19 2013 23:33 GMT
#18
i fear for you life kollin
Iv been here for 5.5 years. My other accounts are named "Sonu" and "Dalroti" || I had some more but I cant find them XD || known in sc2 as "Sonu"
kollin
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United Kingdom8380 Posts
March 19 2013 23:35 GMT
#19
Do not fear, I have an impenetrable defence in the form of the bodies of those loyal to me reinforcing the walls and ceilings of the Resistance's hideaway.
neoghaleon55
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States7435 Posts
March 19 2013 23:38 GMT
#20
I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago, Wax contacted me to guest-write a section of an upcoming article...which I did.
Does that mean he now owns my soul as well? Do I need to join the resistance?
moo...for DRG
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