EPTon cold steal table.
The same they might lay him on
after this was through.
A blanket was laid down, to soften the cold. Humanize the malicious metal.
His right ankle, above his paw, was bandaged. It bothered him, but he had little energy to fight it.
They had given him a mild sedative. He tinkered on the brink of sleep.
We each gathered around him, to say our good - byes.
Petted, patted, kissed, stroked, and cued
in each in turn.
Told him we loved.
Called him beautiful.
Laughed
In spite of the absence of humor.
Each breath for him was labored.
His great chest rose and fell.
His eyes were heavy, but he seemed ghostly determined,
To see in these last moments,
As if he sensed the end near and desired to drink in Life the last he could
Like sweet drink from the bottom of an empty glass.
I felt a great chill run through me.
I feared
each short breath would grow shorter,
the whites of his eyes thinner beneath the closing lids,
until he breathed no more.
I pleaded with myself
not to see him die.
I was Saved
by a noise outside startled him.
We shut the door.
Reassured him.
That which you hear, sweet prince
You need not fear.
This thing
at least,
will not harm you.
A little energy returned to him, it seemed.
He stirred, shifted, and stood.
Pawed at his bandage and tried meekly to fight the binding.
Then, as if suddenly realizing his surrounding, he turned
to each of us.
Seeing us for the first time.
As if dawning on him.
Everyone that he loved stood around him.
Did he sense what for?
If he could know our betrayal
Would he accept our petty kindnesses?
Our empty touch.
Our two faced words.
No.
He knew not.
for started to purr.
He turned his body towards me.
I placed my hand on his stomach,
The source of his sickness.
It buzzed and vibrated with his affection.
Our presence,
My presence,
reassured him.
On this cold table, in this little room, in an unfamiliar place.
All must be well if we were here.
At this moment, what could be more cruel?
than Trust.
The vet came threw the door.
I wanted to flee.
With a terminal briskness, that such physicians posses
she asked if we were ready.
By what right did we have?
to delay or hasten this terrible thing?
I could not watch him die,
So I left.
I went outside, instead, and looked at the tree blossoms.
Felt the warm of the coming spring, from a dieing winter cold.
I did not expect the world to stop moving on his behalf,
but I noted it all the same.
Were they giving him the needle now?
I thought.
How much longer would he be with this world?
Would I notice the change?
After a time more people followed.
They dried their eyes of tears.
Walked, brooded, and smoked their cigarettes.
When my mother was finished with hers, she sat next to me.
They gave him the shot, and he just went to sleep
She said
It was peaceful.
Peaceful?
Because he laid still
it was peaceful?
Because he didn't scream
or fight,
or call us out for our treachery
This was peace?
Based on what we know of life's beginning,
how could we expect peace in the moments of death?
His eyes
forced shut like an iron curtain.
His breath
stolen from his lungs.
his heart
smothered until it didn't beat.
Even if he felt no pain - this is not peace.
I took every liberty I wanted,
and told myself it was ok.
People looked at me with understanding,
as if it were ok.
But was I really upset about the death of my cat?
Or was it the harsh face of death.
Was it my own spineless, quaking fear of my dark day on a cold table,
That forced tears to my eyes,
melancholy to my face,
and an aching in my heart.
Oh with what grace did he face his death!
His soul so pure that in his last moments, he left behind only love.
No fear of the unknown.
No self pity over his mortal life.
With such great dignity did he meet his end,
And I couldn't even watch him do it.
If he could court the reaper with such poise,
then surely I could summon the fortitude to stand by as he did it,
to suffer in memory while living what example he set in death.
If I could face my last hour with half the courage that he did in his,
I think I might die with all the divinity of a saint.
Jake "Jakers" The Cat
Spring 2001 - 3/3/2013
Rest in Peace.
