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On February 25 2013 06:03 babylon wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2013 05:54 Shady Sands wrote:On February 25 2013 05:51 MasterOfPuppets wrote:On February 25 2013 05:48 babylon wrote:On February 25 2013 05:37 MasterOfPuppets wrote:
Somehow though I find that it's usually guys who tend to be more pensive and philosophical in the manner you describe in the OP. I suppose it's a self-fulfilling self-perpetuating social preconception that girls shouldn't care about anything of that sort... I don't know though. There's a tendency nowadays to think that only "We" think in a certain manner, that only "We" are complicated enough or concerned enough to have these problems when, more likely than not, everybody thinks something along these lines at some point in their lives. I definitely understand where you're coming from. But the obvious question is then: why do the actions of so many others do not reflect this pensive, intellectual nature, and instead only the lack thereof? Why? Because it's easier to fake it? I mean, I've faked this sort of devil-may-care attitude towards love and it just works. Trouble is, it's fake. I really want to be romantic, I really do. But every time I let my guard down somebody gets hurt. After a while, I just give up. If they are attracted to you for certain qualities that you purposefully play up, you shouldn't be surprised when they tend to value those "fake" qualities of you more highly than other aspects of yourself. You are advertising yourself as A, B, C. You will attract girls who like A, B, C. Don't bemoan that they don't care about D when D wasn't even in the ad.
I completely agree with you, but I must ask whether or not you truly believe that if he advertises himself as what he really is, there will be many, or dare I say *any* girls interested, at least from his current social circle? Personally I don't believe so, and I definitely don't say this as a diss or anything, it's just that like I said it seems almost nobody cares for this kind of personality and mentality anymore, the one that Shady and quite a few of us here on TL have.
What are the choices? Express your true romantic, philosophical and intellectual self and face infinitesimal odds at finding a like-minded soulmate, or don't, and face the fact that any relationship you might have will not be as satisfactory as it could be, simply because it is built on an image of yourself that doesn't accurately represent who you really are, basically the issue stated in the OP.
Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I hope I am. I want to be wrong. I really do. But deep down inside, I know I'm not wrong.
Who knows, maybe Babylon has some useful insight on this matter... there's always hope. :/
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I completely agree with you, but I must ask whether or not you truly believe that if he advertises himself as what he really is, there will be many, or dare I say *any* girls interested, at least from his current social circle?
If it's not possible to find said girl in your current social circle then most likely you don't have a lot of real friends in that social circle either.
Surrounding yourself with people because you like having them around you instead of believing that you should have them around you is pretty much the first step in that direction. Obviously the "more" you're looking for the more you have to be able to offer yourself. Settling with less than that? Might as well shoot yourself in the knee.
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On February 25 2013 05:34 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2013 04:30 iamho wrote:
After reading all your blogs I feel really bad for you and your cynical views on dating. I don't know if you're just unlucky or what, but most girls in the world aren't like the ones you've had experiences with. Maybe you should get outside the fake and poisonous world of high finance/biglaw/consulting if you're really looking for somebody to spend your life with. Easier said than done, considering 90% of my RL friends orbit in this space
So why not look for a new environment? From what I gather you seem to be some kind of generic desk analyst/trader guy at a big ibank who is miserable with his life. Most people define you by your career, and if you work somewhere that is notoriously shallow and status-obsessed you will attract women who think like that. I'm sure there's plenty of other options for someone with your background. I hear boutique investment banks are in vogue these days.
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It is more difficult to attract girls who are romantic, independent, thinkerly types simply because romantic attraction is more difficult to cultivate than attraction based on social status or physical appearance. (Of course, neither of these ever hurts, but really, as long as you aren't overweight or unhygienic, you're good to go.) But as you say, he will probably not get much out of his current circle, which means he has to step outside of that zone and find a newer circle.
The hardest part is always finding a way to break into a new "group" of people who can introduce you to others like them. This is extremely difficult after you are no longer in college. I know some people who have done this through OKCupid (after a long time of ignoring "dtf nsa" messages). But if you are in a big city like Chicago, it's not that impossible; you just need to know what locations and which social events to frequent. For example, if you like poetic types, go to something like a slam poetry event or open mic night; yeah, some of the poems will inevitably suck, but the main thing is that many of the people there will appreciate poetry and be willing to talk to you about poetry to a certain extent. And maybe you won't meet a perfect girl there, but you'll meet her friends and mates (whose personalities you will hopefully like!), and they'll maybe introduce you to others like them or invite you to bar nights with each other, so on and so forth, and maybe you'll find a girl you like. And if that crowd doesn't work for you, go find another. So on, so forth.
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I see you decided to go ahead with the blog 
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Start dating fat girls. Seriously. Not obese, sort of Kate Upton size++. Actually helpful when moving and you don't have to worry about them as much alone at night.
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Your ideal girl.
http://equityprivate.typepad.com/ep/
You when you get older and somehow turn non asian.
http://epicureandealmaker.blogspot.com.au/
Someone wise once said that we become the 5 people we spend most our time with. If all your time is spent with high finance types..... sure theres alot of brain power there but probably not a lot of soul. Maybe you need to branch outside of finance to search for other people in different fields. Because deep down you know most of high finance is utter bullshit (society does not need our brightest minds figuring out how to design some crazy derivatives, no you are not "allocating capital efficiently" and you are definately not doing god's work-like you'd believe in god if you worked in high finance anyways).
If a diety came down and destroyed pretty much all of it besides basic banking, the world would be a better place.
So maybe you have a love-hate relationship not with these girls but with money. You want big $ because you think women won't be into you otherwise, but when they are into you because of your big $ you feel repelled because you worry that its not you they want but a certain lifestyle they've envision which you don't agree with.
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Sorry about your issues, but I love your writing. The line about pascal's wager really spoke to me.
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http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=399285
I don't really tie in relationships in my blog because it'll bog down the material, but I'll try to link the two a bit.
The main detail I want to emphasize is that your "romantic, philosophical and intellectual self" is not at all tied down to you. When people like you, fall in love with you, fall for you, or just want to be your friends, they usually don't see that, "romantic, philosophical and intellectual self" you talk about.
They see a person that loves himself, and loves talking about things they're interested in, and loves communicating this really intense feeling in their lives because he's happy about himself.
What this means is it is not about your interests, your hobbies, it's about how genuine you are to yourself, and to the girl. Yes, you have to know and avoid the obvious conversation and friend-killers, and not be stupid and keep bringing up a dead husband or something, but that is rarely the case.
Ever wonder why you can have such amazing conversations with the ones you're closest to? You're not afraid of being judged, not afraid of just letting yourself through. Being genuine. And being a genuinely happy, attractive individual. Well centered in life.
And you have to learn to cultivate this genuineness in your character and convey this attractive, self-fulfilled, happy personality to women you meet.
You can hope all you want to meet this amazing person, and maybe you'll meet her and unconsciously lower your standards to fit her, and that's alright as well. And hoping is great too.
But you can't expect to be handed these women in life.
The women you describe are most attracted to guys who don't want these things, because they're on this level above. They're on this level where they don't need a woman to be happy, they don't need these things to be secure in their selves, because they have so much other things going on for them. And women complain they can never tie these guys down.
Our own fears of becoming that "guy" who "settles for less" are our realities, if we don't take the effort to go above who we are now, in every way possible.
You don't have to fake it. You can become it and get the women you want. Just got to keep positive, keep happy, keep looking, keep meeting new women, and keep making yourself better.
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You should try writing a book/short stories and hanging out with some literary types-- you've got a strong narrative voice and talent. Maybe you'll even run into some smart girls who are fans of your writing and appreciate who you really are.
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Just got this in the inbox
Hey ------,
It's been a while. How have you been doing? Hope all is well.
Thanks for the link. That job is in Beijing. I kinda want to stay in Shanghai for a while. But thanks though. I'm still at XXXXX&YYYYY, doing lifestyle PR. And I hate it so much. Luxury/lifestyle isn't my thing. I'm desparately thinking to switch jobs. But I'm trying to be very careful switching jobs/career. Right now, I'm thinking to be a financial reporter or to do financial-related PR.
What's new about you? What are you busy with lately? Have you noticed 名都季刊？It's a start-up mandarin magazine in Chicago. I heard they had a few events for asia start-up crowd. The founder of the magazine used to work at Deloitte. His name is John Robinson.
Btw, I'm planning to visit Chicago in ---------. The purpose of the trip is to settle my divorce. But it will be nice for me to see you. Could I stay at your place? I hope this isn't too forward.
Take care.
Tara
.... =/
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On February 25 2013 12:06 Blisse wrote:http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=399285I don't really tie in relationships in my blog because it'll bog down the material, but I'll try to link the two a bit. The main detail I want to emphasize is that your "romantic, philosophical and intellectual self" is not at all tied down to you. When people like you, fall in love with you, fall for you, or just want to be your friends, they usually don't see that, "romantic, philosophical and intellectual self" you talk about. They see a person that loves himself, and loves talking about things they're interested in, and loves communicating this really intense feeling in their lives because he's happy about himself. What this means is it is not about your interests, your hobbies, it's about how genuine you are to yourself, and to the girl. Yes, you have to know and avoid the obvious conversation and friend-killers, and not be stupid and keep bringing up a dead husband or something, but that is rarely the case. Ever wonder why you can have such amazing conversations with the ones you're closest to? You're not afraid of being judged, not afraid of just letting yourself through. Being genuine. And being a genuinely happy, attractive individual. Well centered in life. And you have to learn to cultivate this genuineness in your character and convey this attractive, self-fulfilled, happy personality to women you meet. You can hope all you want to meet this amazing person, and maybe you'll meet her and unconsciously lower your standards to fit her, and that's alright as well. And hoping is great too. But you can't expect to be handed these women in life. The women you describe are most attracted to guys who don't want these things, because they're on this level above. They're on this level where they don't need a woman to be happy, they don't need these things to be secure in their selves, because they have so much other things going on for them. And women complain they can never tie these guys down. Our own fears of becoming that "guy" who "settles for less" are our realities, if we don't take the effort to go above who we are now, in every way possible. You don't have to fake it. You can become it and get the women you want. Just got to keep positive, keep happy, keep looking, keep meeting new women, and keep making yourself better.
This is really interesting, and it kind of fits in with what I've experienced--the only thing cuter than a guy with money is a guy who has money and a cause. Maybe the reason I have so much anomie in my life is because I've never been able to attach myself to a 'cause' with gusto or see one through to its completion.
I should watch Les Mis.
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On February 25 2013 12:06 Blisse wrote:http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=399285I don't really tie in relationships in my blog because it'll bog down the material, but I'll try to link the two a bit. The main detail I want to emphasize is that your "romantic, philosophical and intellectual self" is not at all tied down to you. When people like you, fall in love with you, fall for you, or just want to be your friends, they usually don't see that, "romantic, philosophical and intellectual self" you talk about. They see a person that loves himself, and loves talking about things they're interested in, and loves communicating this really intense feeling in their lives because he's happy about himself. What this means is it is not about your interests, your hobbies, it's about how genuine you are to yourself, and to the girl. Yes, you have to know and avoid the obvious conversation and friend-killers, and not be stupid and keep bringing up a dead husband or something, but that is rarely the case. Ever wonder why you can have such amazing conversations with the ones you're closest to? You're not afraid of being judged, not afraid of just letting yourself through. Being genuine. And being a genuinely happy, attractive individual. Well centered in life. And you have to learn to cultivate this genuineness in your character and convey this attractive, self-fulfilled, happy personality to women you meet. You can hope all you want to meet this amazing person, and maybe you'll meet her and unconsciously lower your standards to fit her, and that's alright as well. And hoping is great too. But you can't expect to be handed these women in life. The women you describe are most attracted to guys who don't want these things, because they're on this level above. They're on this level where they don't need a woman to be happy, they don't need these things to be secure in their selves, because they have so much other things going on for them. And women complain they can never tie these guys down. Our own fears of becoming that "guy" who "settles for less" are our realities, if we don't take the effort to go above who we are now, in every way possible. You don't have to fake it. You can become it and get the women you want. Just got to keep positive, keep happy, keep looking, keep meeting new women, and keep making yourself better.
I love this post. Fits so well with my own philosophy in interpersonal relationships. Too bad I don't internalise it 100% but I'm getting there.
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Man, Shady, I wish I could tell you what I think.
Edit: I'm gonna do it, fuck it. Here goes:
+ Show Spoiler +
I think what's wrong is that you're not really doing what you love. Whatever your passion may be, I think you should just pursue it. And when you finally start doing what you love, you'll be able to find someone to love because she will define you by your passions and love you for them.
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On February 25 2013 05:34 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2013 04:30 iamho wrote:
After reading all your blogs I feel really bad for you and your cynical views on dating. I don't know if you're just unlucky or what, but most girls in the world aren't like the ones you've had experiences with. Maybe you should get outside the fake and poisonous world of high finance/biglaw/consulting if you're really looking for somebody to spend your life with. Easier said than done, considering 90% of my RL friends orbit in this space
And you're in your early 20s? Sounds legit. I would feel bad if I didn't think 90% of the stuff you write was made up on the spot. You are always an enjoyable read though.
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On February 25 2013 19:30 d00p wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2013 05:34 Shady Sands wrote:On February 25 2013 04:30 iamho wrote:
After reading all your blogs I feel really bad for you and your cynical views on dating. I don't know if you're just unlucky or what, but most girls in the world aren't like the ones you've had experiences with. Maybe you should get outside the fake and poisonous world of high finance/biglaw/consulting if you're really looking for somebody to spend your life with. Easier said than done, considering 90% of my RL friends orbit in this space And you're in your early 20s? Sounds legit. I would feel bad if I didn't think 90% of the stuff you write was made up on the spot. You are always an enjoyable read though.
Given that early 20s means anywhere between 20 and 25, I'm not sure what you mean by this statement.
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great, albeit bittersweet read.
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You don't get my 5 until I see some results.
4 for effort
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I was about to write this in the other blog but maybe if you don't like money minded people maybe you just shouldn't be a magnet for it and rent a smaller apartmenet or something :D
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On February 25 2013 03:17 Shady Sands wrote:
I'm just another suited cowboy dual-wielding other people's money and other people's ideas.
oh man i really really like that line :D
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EPT
