EPTX-Japan - Tears
One of my favorite ballads of all time. The composer, Yoshiki, wrote this song for his father who committed suicide. My dad passed the same way.
It was around Christmas when my parents got into an argument. I still don’t know exactly what it was about, but I know it had to do with my dad not being able to support us as well financially. He was trying everything he can, he just got unlucky and things didn’t go as planned. My mom left and she didn’t come back for a few days. I knew she was seeing another man and assumed that she was at his house. Unfortunately, I was right.
I spent the next few days with my sister and my dad. Not sure how my sister felt, but I was really pissed off at my mom and only had compassion for my dad. We spent Christmas together at home, didn’t do much. My dad took my sister and me for a drive in the mountains nearby, just to spend some quality time and to look at the stars. I loved doing things like that. Normally my sister wouldn’t wanna do shit with the family, she always gave my dad shit when he was just trying to be nice. I despised my sister for that. But that Christmas, she didn’t complain at all. I guess we were both trying to cheer him up.
The next few days, my dad treated us really well, not that he ever didn’t. I thought he was just trying to cheer us up. I can tell he was blaming himself for what happened. When he was alone, I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him and that I’m not blaming him for anything , and that I was on his side no matter what. I tried my hardest to keep my composure but my voice started to crack and a few tears just dropped from my eyes. I was embarrassed for crying about such a thing, I mean I thought I was a tough sixteen year old. My dad smiled and told me not to worry, and that everything will be fine. I caught him in the backyard later looking at the sky for a strangely long period of time. Dad must be really sad, I thought. Then I was filled with anger, knowing my mom left us to be with another man during the Holidays.
My dad told us that he had a great business opportunity in Las Vegas and that he’d be leaving on New Year’s Eve. I thought that’s why he said everything would be fine.
So on New Year’s Eve, I was in my room practicing the bass guitar my dad bought for my birthday while waiting for my friend’s parents to take me to church. He walked in my room and didn’t say a word. He stuck his hand out for a handshake. He gave me a firm grip, looked me in the eyes and smiled. I smiled back and told him not to worry about leaving us alone and that we’ll be fine. He then walked into my sister’s room to give her a hug, but my sister was her old bitchy self and shrugged him off. I heard her whining. He just smiled and left.
I went to church with my friend and had a great time. I came home around 2:00AM and my mom was home, knowing that my dad would be gone. I thought I’d be angry but I was relieved to see her, I mean I didn’t see her for days. I tried to sleep but kept waking up in the middle of the night with really bizarre dreams. Around 9:00AM I went into my sister’s room to find my mom and sister awake. My mom asked me how was doing and all that until someone knocked on the door. Who the fuck could it be on New Year’s Day, knocking on our door? Something didn’t feel right. It was the police. They told us that my dad’s body was found hanging from a tree at a local park. Adrenaline rushed through my body; I couldn’t believe it. My mom collapsed and my sister started crying. I stood there not saying a thing. Frozen in shock. It just didn’t make sense to me.
We eventually found out that he gave up his life in order to give our family his life insurance money. Since he couldn't support us well financially, he gave us the only thing that he had left.
That was six years ago. To this day, I still tear up randomly at times when I think of him, even more so than before. I’m 22 now. There are so many things I want to talk to him about, not as a teenager, but as a young adult. He didn’t get to see me graduate high school, and he’s not going to see me graduate college. He’s not gonna be there to send my sister away on her wedding. We’re never gonna be able to play tennis like we used to, or yell at the television while watching the World Cup.
Dad, I’m sorry for all the times I was disrespectful, I’m sorry for being a worthless junkie, I’m sorry for not being the son that you’d want me to be. I’m going to try my best to make you proud.
아버지 죄송합니다, 이제 붙어 제대로 살아볼게요…
“If you could have told me everything,
you would have found what love is.
If you could have told me what was on your mind,
I would have shown you the way.
Someday, I’m going to be older than you.
I’ve never thought beyond that time.
I’ve never imagined the pictures of that life.
For now, I will try to live for you… and for me.
I will try to live…try to live with love… with dreams…
And forever with tears.”
-Yoshiki (Tears)
