One of my favorite ballads of all time. The composer, Yoshiki, wrote this song for his father who committed suicide. My dad passed the same way.
It was around Christmas when my parents got into an argument. I still don’t know exactly what it was about, but I know it had to do with my dad not being able to support us as well financially. He was trying everything he can, he just got unlucky and things didn’t go as planned. My mom left and she didn’t come back for a few days. I knew she was seeing another man and assumed that she was at his house. Unfortunately, I was right.
I spent the next few days with my sister and my dad. Not sure how my sister felt, but I was really pissed off at my mom and only had compassion for my dad. We spent Christmas together at home, didn’t do much. My dad took my sister and me for a drive in the mountains nearby, just to spend some quality time and to look at the stars. I loved doing things like that. Normally my sister wouldn’t wanna do shit with the family, she always gave my dad shit when he was just trying to be nice. I despised my sister for that. But that Christmas, she didn’t complain at all. I guess we were both trying to cheer him up.
The next few days, my dad treated us really well, not that he ever didn’t. I thought he was just trying to cheer us up. I can tell he was blaming himself for what happened. When he was alone, I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him and that I’m not blaming him for anything , and that I was on his side no matter what. I tried my hardest to keep my composure but my voice started to crack and a few tears just dropped from my eyes. I was embarrassed for crying about such a thing, I mean I thought I was a tough sixteen year old. My dad smiled and told me not to worry, and that everything will be fine. I caught him in the backyard later looking at the sky for a strangely long period of time. Dad must be really sad, I thought. Then I was filled with anger, knowing my mom left us to be with another man during the Holidays.
My dad told us that he had a great business opportunity in Las Vegas and that he’d be leaving on New Year’s Eve. I thought that’s why he said everything would be fine.
So on New Year’s Eve, I was in my room practicing the bass guitar my dad bought for my birthday while waiting for my friend’s parents to take me to church. He walked in my room and didn’t say a word. He stuck his hand out for a handshake. He gave me a firm grip, looked me in the eyes and smiled. I smiled back and told him not to worry about leaving us alone and that we’ll be fine. He then walked into my sister’s room to give her a hug, but my sister was her old bitchy self and shrugged him off. I heard her whining. He just smiled and left.
I went to church with my friend and had a great time. I came home around 2:00AM and my mom was home, knowing that my dad would be gone. I thought I’d be angry but I was relieved to see her, I mean I didn’t see her for days. I tried to sleep but kept waking up in the middle of the night with really bizarre dreams. Around 9:00AM I went into my sister’s room to find my mom and sister awake. My mom asked me how was doing and all that until someone knocked on the door. Who the fuck could it be on New Year’s Day, knocking on our door? Something didn’t feel right. It was the police. They told us that my dad’s body was found hanging from a tree at a local park. Adrenaline rushed through my body; I couldn’t believe it. My mom collapsed and my sister started crying. I stood there not saying a thing. Frozen in shock. It just didn’t make sense to me.
We eventually found out that he gave up his life in order to give our family his life insurance money. Since he couldn't support us well financially, he gave us the only thing that he had left.
That was six years ago. To this day, I still tear up randomly at times when I think of him, even more so than before. I’m 22 now. There are so many things I want to talk to him about, not as a teenager, but as a young adult. He didn’t get to see me graduate high school, and he’s not going to see me graduate college. He’s not gonna be there to send my sister away on her wedding. We’re never gonna be able to play tennis like we used to, or yell at the television while watching the World Cup.
Dad, I’m sorry for all the times I was disrespectful, I’m sorry for being a worthless junkie, I’m sorry for not being the son that you’d want me to be. I’m going to try my best to make you proud. 아버지 죄송합니다, 이제 붙어 제대로 살아볼게요…
“If you could have told me everything, you would have found what love is. If you could have told me what was on your mind, I would have shown you the way. Someday, I’m going to be older than you. I’ve never thought beyond that time. I’ve never imagined the pictures of that life. For now, I will try to live for you… and for me. I will try to live…try to live with love… with dreams… And forever with tears.” -Yoshiki (Tears)
Wait, why did he end up getting lynched? Was his business opportunity with the mob or a gang? Did he owe lots of money to the wrong people? I'm sorry to hear about that situation, he seems like a great guy who died in vain. Your dad was a stand up guy.
On January 10 2013 15:08 docvoc wrote: Wait, why did he end up getting lynched? Was his business opportunity with the mob or a gang? Did he owe lots of money to the wrong people? I'm sorry to hear about that situation, he seems like a great guy who died in vain. Your dad was a stand up guy.
We eventually found out that he gave up his life in order to give our family his life insurance money. Since he couldn't support us well financially, he gave us the only thing that he had left.
I always read stuff like this then make sure I talk to my parents and tell them how much I appreciate them and everything they do for me. I know my sister does the same thing to my parents that yours does and all they want is to see her happy. It is just so wonderful, no matter how sad, to see that your father lived and died to do the best he could for you.
Your dad was a good man. I'm happy for you, happy because you had the opportunity to be good to him. Whether you feel like you lived up to your dad's expectations or not, I'm sure your words brought him joy.
That's such a sad story...I love X-Japan and their lyrics are sooo moving. Especially when it goes along with a story like yours. Your father sounds like an amazing man and I wish you and your family the best.
On January 10 2013 17:15 Typhoon1789 wrote: Woo that was a pretty sad blog. I feel for you're loss man.
Directly after reading it i went upto my dads and gave him a hug.
I wish I could just randomly hug my dad to show my appreciation. I really do love him, even though he was very strict on me when I was younger. He really works hard for me, even pushed back his retirement to make sure he can pay for my tuition. God why am I so stubborn and cant do something as simple as hugging him.
That's a really sad story and extremely touching. I'm actually kind of speechless.
On a slightly brighter note, thanks for sharing that great music. Never heard of the group, I'll be checking their songs out now... :'( I feel sorry for you.
Thank you so much for sharing the video and your story. I lost my dad the same way 4 year ago this saturday and reading your story brought up all of those same feelings and emotions again. It is nice to hear a story from someone that rings so true to what I've felt and am feeling. Thanks again and God Bless
On January 10 2013 15:08 docvoc wrote: Wait, why did he end up getting lynched? Was his business opportunity with the mob or a gang? Did he owe lots of money to the wrong people? I'm sorry to hear about that situation, he seems like a great guy who died in vain. Your dad was a stand up guy.
Not cool man.
How is your mom after all of this, if you don't mind me asking? Also, IMO it sounds like you were exactly the son you needed to be for your father. No matter what my son did in the past, if he told me what you told him the day before, that would have been all that mattered to me.
On January 10 2013 15:08 docvoc wrote: Wait, why did he end up getting lynched? Was his business opportunity with the mob or a gang? Did he owe lots of money to the wrong people? I'm sorry to hear about that situation, he seems like a great guy who died in vain. Your dad was a stand up guy.
Not sure if you didn't read the whole thing or if you're a fucking cunt.
Anyways, that is honestly one of the most nightmarish stories i've ever heard. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss; I'm glad that you're able to write about it and that you held yourself together.
On January 11 2013 03:25 ChiknAdobo wrote: Thank you so much for sharing the video and your story. I lost my dad the same way 4 year ago this saturday and reading your story brought up all of those same feelings and emotions again. It is nice to hear a story from someone that rings so true to what I've felt and am feeling. Thanks again and God Bless
Hey I'm really sorry to hear that. I genuinely hope everything works out.
thanks everybody for reading and leaving thoughtful comments. it means a lot to me, probably more than you guys think
between then and now, my family has been through a lot. my mom and sister have broken down many times. but during the hardest times, they had a significant other to help them cope. I on the other hand, coped another way; I got helplessly addicted to drugs (see my other blogs).
I think a part of me still blames my mom and myself, but I try not to put it on anyone. I know it's not any of our faults.
On January 11 2013 03:42 jacosajh wrote: IMO it sounds like you were exactly the son you needed to be for your father. No matter what my son did in the past, if he told me what you told him the day before, that would have been all that mattered to me.
Thanks...that actually makes me feel slightly more relieved
Really appreciate you guys for not being insensitive about this... I mean it's the internet, you guys coulda said anything and gotten away with it but chose to be supportive.
How I missed this is beyond me but... Damn... I don't even know what to say after reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. It was beyond touching.
The best thing you can do when someone is gone, is to think only of the great times you shared with that person, aslong as you do that then everything will feel that little bit better.
Tough way to go very sad and touching story. Wish you all the best in the future!
Just now i also saw this blog. I've always liked your blogs, danmooj1. May i ask about your sister, how do you think she is feeling?
He then walked into my sister’s room to give her a hug, but my sister was her old bitchy self and shrugged him off. I heard her whining. He just smiled and left.
I can't imagine "leaving" things like that with your own dad.
On February 02 2013 01:44 -Kaiser- wrote: This is horrible, but I'm not sure I understand. Doesn't life insurance not pay if the cause of death is suicide?
Most policies suicide clauses are for 1-2 years supposedly. Least in the US.
On February 01 2013 00:02 FryBender wrote: Wow that sucks
Did your dad not know that insurances don't pay out for suicides?
I'm sure my dad did his research before killing himself. He was a pretty smart man. Nice name btw, really like the show
I live in the US and the insurance payed around $200,000. My mom told me she was going to save it for my "wedding" and college tuition.
Then she invested all of it in a small company. A guy she met recently (weren't dating, her friend's friend's friend or some shit, he also knew the source of the money) took advantage of her vulnerability and basically convinced her to go all in with this investment as if it were a guaranteed success. Told my mom so many times it's not a good idea... I mean it's pretty obvious it'd be a bad idea to anyone. But as she said, what do I know? I'm just a kid.
Then the dude ran off with 200 grand that my dad cashed in his life for.
On February 02 2013 03:43 Grettin wrote: Just now i also saw this blog. I've always liked your blogs, danmooj1. May i ask about your sister, how do you think she is feeling?
He then walked into my sister’s room to give her a hug, but my sister was her old bitchy self and shrugged him off. I heard her whining. He just smiled and left.
I can't imagine "leaving" things like that with your own dad.
My condolences.
Thanks Grettin. Hope you continue reading and hope they're happier threads
She blamed herself a lot in the beginning and I'm sure it still bothers her the times she thinks about it. But she was just being her bitchy old self. Can't really blame her for being herself.
Jesus, what an awful story. You did all you could for him as a son. Sometimes it is really really hard for a man's pride to be unable to provide for his family. I am going to avoid saying anything disrespectful about your mother now, but yeah. I feel for your dad and for you. Keep your chin up, be strong, and know that it's not always about how a story starts, but about how it ends. Don't let anything hold you back from your potential.
EPT
