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On December 06 2012 06:30 Smancer wrote:Show nested quote +On December 06 2012 05:59 TheAmazombie wrote:
I am working on it...last night I had a moment of clarity in this direction, and my new foundation is being laid as we speak, but I am not an angry or wrathful person. Saying fuck her is exactly what I refuse to teach my son. I am a hardcore humanist that believes that we do fucked up shit to people sometimes, we do fucked up shit to those we love sometimes as well, and you cannot just let it be as if it didn't happen, but writing someone off completely because of it is just immoral to me.
It is against my entire outlook on life. I am in the process of letting her go, and in fact hold no further illusions that she wants to be with me at all. It is just hard and sometimes, especially when high emotional and agitated, I think negative or unhealthy thoughts. The fact is this: I will take whatever pain I need to for my family. I will take it and let it go in my own way. That is how I have always been with all friends and family, hence why I have many loving and caring friends and family members that have always been there for me during dark times. Maybe I am an idiot and maybe I am being walked on, but that is a role that I accept for the chance to do what I feel is correct in the long run.
Trust me, there has been a lot of anger but I have let most that I have had since this incident go, and some of it was on her. I am a person that acts that way with everyone, no matter what. If I am mean, while it may be justified, I am immediately apologetic for it. It generally does not serve the greater good in the end.
As for better, I know that I am better. I know that I am the bigger person in this, but that to me does not justify being an ass and dropping to her or anyone else's level. I refuse to teach my son that as well. You can think what you want about me and yes, when I wrote the OP, I still had many of those delusions. I work through them one by one with time, friends, and talking. I am already trying to decide if I want to make a future here where we lived or to use this as an opportunity to go elsewhere. Luckily I have a job that affords me that since my company has work all over the US. There is more that goes into these decisions though than just my ex-wife, mainly my other family in the area. I just don't want you to get walked over. I can understand not wanting to teach your son to be an ass, but on the flip side of the coin, you don't want to teach him to be a pushover do you? I want you to look for middle ground.
No, but there is a fine line there and that is what I am aiming for. There is a place for forgiveness and love even in the worst situations. I do agree and thank you for your concern, having been through shitty situations yourself. It sucks balls, sucks worse than anything that I have ever been through...there is just a ton of crap to learn and grow from here and I want to navigate it in such a way that bitterness and anger do not take control of the situation.
I have been lied to and treated badly in relationships and friendships in the past, but almost always I have been able to make it so that we come out as friends in the end. Like I said, my best female friends are almost all exes from my past. They have been the most kind and loving during this. This is just on a larger scale with more deeply held fear and emotions than ever before. It is scary as fuck and yeah, there has been and still will be some fear of being alone through all of this, but that is normal no matter what and will be worked through.
I am the sort of person that feels very strongly and deeply, and when there are emotional moments, they tend to have big releases at time, in my own way, with friends or whatever. Then I feel better and can think clearly given the circumstances at the time, then another wave comes and may just let out a torrent of emotion, or it may change my outlook to situations, hence the way these updates have flowed. That is part of why I am using this as a journal to record these waves and hopefully learn from them. This is how I can sound more rational than I am at other times. I try to reflect on what I was thinking and what was happening during the times of irrationality. Trust me, I am not saint, but it does not mean that I shouldn't try to be in thought and intention.
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You need to punt this woman out of your house and stop letting her trample all over you like a doormat man. You should have been talking to lawyers the second you realized, even if you planned on attempting on reconciling, so that your ass was covered. For christ's sake, you're allowing her to live with you while she's out boning another dude and you're thinking about it non-stop. That isn't healthy. You won't heal from this until she is out or you are out, and considering she's the one who cheated it should be her. Stop treating her like a friend because friends don't treat each other as shitty as she has here.
it varies state to state and your lawyer would obviously know, but infidelity is grounds for divorce in a lot of states.
Shit if for no other reason your ass should have been at the lawyers the second this happened to make sure you had full custody of your kid so she doesn't hoof it over state lines and creates a real mess. Verbal promises mean nothing when you're divorcing. Seperate as fast as possible so you can heal and get this behind your while your kid is relatively young.
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On December 06 2012 07:16 QuanticHawk wrote:
You need to punt this woman out of your house and stop letting her trample all over you like a doormat man. You should have been talking to lawyers the second you realized, even if you planned on attempting on reconciling, so that your ass was covered. For christ's sake, you're allowing her to live with you while she's out boning another dude and you're thinking about it non-stop. That isn't healthy. You won't heal from this until she is out or you are out, and considering she's the one who cheated it should be her. Stop treating her like a friend because friends don't treat each other as shitty as she has here.
it varies state to state and your lawyer would obviously know, but infidelity is grounds for divorce in a lot of states.
Shit if for no other reason your ass should have been at the lawyers the second this happened to make sure you had full custody of your kid so she doesn't hoof it over state lines and creates a real mess. Verbal promises mean nothing when you're divorcing. Seperate as fast as possible so you can heal and get this behind your while your kid is relatively young.
Yeah, and that may be. I actually have talked more with her about our legal issues and we are actually having someone do some of the legal write-ups as for custody and such for each of our own protection. There is no hope of reconciliation at this point, but I refuse to make it uglier than it is. I know it is dumb to some people and it may be dumb in the long run.
As for her living situation, there are a few factors. One: she does not have anywhere else to go and I will not let the mother of my child be homeless. It is against everything that I believe, two: I cannot legally boot her out of her own house, and three: yeah, I had issues with the infidelity for a minute, but overall I have let that go. It no longer really bothers me. I did not get into too much of our relationship style in the OP or any other writings, but sex (including with other people) has never really been much of an issue for either of us. I was really sensitive that night due to many factors and it was upsetting me then and it may still in the future, but I honestly don't think of it too much or even care as much about the sex. It is not the cheating sexually that really bothers me, it was the lies and deceit about it that really pissed me off, the conspiring when we have always not had an "open" relationship per say, but there has always been a certain open-mindedness to things of a sexual matter on both of our ends.
That night I was full of a lot of anger from other things and that was just something that really struck a nerve with me on that day. I am hurt more by certain details from the cheating, certain rules that we put in place that were broken, and the fact that she was insensitive to it all at that time.
We are separated and she is leaving soon enough, after working out the details. If it really gets to a point that it bothers me I have places that I can go and I have legal avenues that I can take if I feel it has to reach that point where she does not. Trust me on that. To use an analogy that is a bit crude, it is my major upper hand in all of this. I was fucked over, but I have control of our son and she knows it. The only issue that I do not want to use our son as any sort of crude and vicious "power play" is I do not have to. That is just plain wrong to her, to me, and to my son.
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Damn man, I'm a mere 21 year old university student, but I mean every word of it when I say that I feel for you and hope you can work everything out in the end. From what it sounds like, you have a good head on your shoulders and a great kid to look forward to.
Stay strong
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You shouldn't be working out any details in regards to where she'll go.
Where ever she went that night with her new squeeze is where she should go. If he won't take her in, you're doing her a favor and getting rid of the idiot (keep in mind, this guy will probably be in your kids life also and should man up). If that fails, she can go to her parents/families house.
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EPT
