This is an ongoing journal. The OP is what I was feeling and thinking at the time of this awful family event. I have been updating in the responses for my emotional states at the time. Please take the time to read through them if you are interested. This is hopefully an attempt to help others navigate through dark times and see the weird waves of emotions as they come. Feel free to ask questions as to my state or give thoughts and opinions. Thank you.
These two songs that bookend this were chosen...they are similar parts to a whole, with two different meanings, but whichever path leads you to shitty situations, the chorus rings true. Just stay alive, just stay alive.
This is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever had to write, but I feel this strong urge forcing me to write it. I have, on multiple occasions, written about my wife and son, my family. Now...it is time to write as much down as possible about my family.
I met my wife in college. She was fresh out of high school, went to boot camp for the navy for a short while before she was medically discharged, and then went to college. I was with another girl at the time that we met, but we had an open relationship and I took advantage of that fact. I cared about both of the girls, but I did some things that I am not proud of in the process of dealing with the entire situation. This led to some tension between everyone.
After a while though, the girl that would become my wife was forced to move away for family reasons from our home town in central California to just outside of Reno Nevada. She ended up hooking up and living with this asshole guy who beat her, had her on drugs, and all sorts of things that were not good. She would still call and talk to me every so often, but it was always sad for me to listen to her.
About a year after she moved, she finally got up the nerve to leave her asshole boyfriend and move in with a friend up there. She had vacation time from her job saved up, so she decided to come back down and see us for a week. This of course rekindled our feelings for one another. Add this fact to a few others that were going on in my life and I made the only decision that seemed to make sense at the time - I decided to move from my home, the only town that I ever knew, my family, and everything else to work up here and be with the woman that I cared for more than I ever cared for anyone in my life.
Knowing how I feel as I write this, I do not regret this decision, but that does not mean that I am not in pain now. I will get into that part later. I will warn that some of this is coming from a very emotional place, but I will try to be as objective as I can, all things considered.
We worked and lived, everything was good for quite a while. Eventually we had that scariest moment in anyone's life and we got pregnant. I was going to be a father. I was scared and alone in a weird world with no real friends near that I could talk with easily. They were all back home or spread out around the country in various places. Yeah, I had the phone and facebook, but none of that is as good as a hug and a cup of hot cocoa when talking about heavy stuff with friends.
When our son was finally born it all felt good again. We had issues, stresses, sacrifices, and all those other things that went into raising a child. My wife battled with depression and stress, but we had worked through it relatively well - I tried to give her all she needed - time, freedom, counseling, whatever she asked for I worked my ass off to give her, whatever she felt she needed.
Here is where everything starts getting ugly. I might skip around with details...I am just going to type what I am thinking. She has decided to leave me for another man. I am not sure I want to give all the sorted details, but I can say it was nothing that I did. She is feeling long, confused, depressed, and stagnant. She has been cheating on with this man for a few weeks, but they had been friends for a long time. He came from this area and was back on a vacation for a few weeks when they hooked up. As they say though...I knew it. I had the feelings and I knew it, but I wanted to badly to trust her. After all these years, after all of the things we have been through. There are some other sorted details that I will not go into right now, but it is more than the cheating and lying, it is the manner and some of the specifics that hurt me even more. There are lies and cheats, but the way it was done was so disrespectful...I have never felt more betrayed of my love and trust in my life. She came to me and admitted everything to me...answered my questions honestly, but it still hurts the way it was all done...very badly.
She has decided to leave me and move with him back to another state. We have argued and cried for the last couple of days. I told her that I forgive her for her indiscretion, I forgive her for the pain...I told her that I am willing to work through whatever we need to work through to hold our family together. She has made up her mind though. She will be gone soon...
I am powerless in this situation.
I asked her if she was going to take my son away from me, my 3-year old that is smart and happy and loving. She said she can't imagine living without him...I spent most of the time in tears thinking about this.
Finally we stopped talking for a bit, both exhausted we napped and hung out with our son, then when we finally talked again, I reminded her that she is not allowed to take my son across state lines without my permission or court authority. She can leave, fuck up our family, destroy everything that we built and fought for, but I was not going to give in. My only concern is what is best for my son. He needs a healthy home, loving family, a good school, and he has that here. He has nothing with her in North Dakota except her. I am not going to let me son grow up without his father. His entire family that he knows is here, I will not let her remove him from that. She relented and said that she knows in her heart that he will be better here with me and his family.
I know it is weird, but I feel so bad for her. She is in so much pain, so confused, so lost, and I cannot help. I cannot fix the situation. I am not used to losing...or being in a powerless situation. We have been together for so many years, have a child, a home, pets, everything together. Betrayal and cheating is one thing...her leaving is another...it was unfathomable to me that she would leave me. After years of shitty boyfriends, assholes, her fucked up family, I gave her stability and security...and she is walking away from it, willing to put it all aside, risk everything, just to leave. She must really need this...
I am still in shock and we are still trying to figure everything out. I don't have all the answers yet, but I have conceded that she no longer wants what I have to offer, and so I need to be strong and put the pieces back together for my son. I will hold together that which I do have power to do. I told her that I am not leaving our house that we have invested in...but I am going to have to find a way to pay all the bills myself now...I will figure it out eventually.
I am not a violent man, never have been, a pacifist if you will...but for the first time since I was a kid I have had seriously violent thoughts. I told her never to bring the man that has destroyed my family around here while she is still here. I might bash his head in with a baseball bat. I know it is not his fault entirely, it is both of them, me, life, the situation, everything's fault...but that does not mean that it won't feel good to crack his skull...I could never actually do anything like that...but even thinking those thoughts is scary to me, so let's just be safe.
That is the hardest part, the part that people don't tell you much about when talking about breakups, especially ones of this magnitude where our lives are so interconnected, the fact that it is the practical things that are the most scary. What about the house, the car? How are bills going to be paid? How am I going to feed my son and afford his private school? I am lucky to have wonderful parents who love my son and will help out as much as they can...but...how do I tell them, especially with my dying father and a sister that is in the middle of a divorce as well? How do I not become bitter and enraged at life, at her, at everything?
Those are the hardest and scariest questions to me right now. We are still talking and there is still a lot to work out, but I cannot wait for her to make up her mind. I have a family to worry about. There are a lot of details missing, but I just needed to put my feelings down. I will try to answer questions or details if you wish...but know that "Fuck her" is not a good response and helps nothing. She was my fucking wife...not just some girl. I love TL and the fact that I can post my thoughts and feelings here, as I have done many times in the past. Please forgive me for the sloppy nature of this, typos, what have you …I just needed to get it out and I am not ready to talk about it with friends and family just yet.
Wow, I'm rather certain there is nothing I can really say other than that I am astounded at how reasonable you sound about all of this. Having never been married, I can't say for certain how I'd react, but I've got a feeling I'd lose my cool way faster than you seem to have. Props on keeping your head straight; if you keep that going, I'm sure the practicalities will fall into place, at least eventually. Keep treading water, and good luck.
On November 29 2012 03:31 farvacola wrote: Wow, I'm rather certain there is nothing I can really say other than that I am astounded at how reasonable you sound about all of this. Having never been married, I can't say for certain how I'd react, but I've got a feeling I'd lose my cool way faster than you seem to have. Props on keeping your head straight; if you keep that going, I'm sure the practicalities will fall into place, at least eventually. Keep treading water, and good luck.
Thank you. I pride myself on my ability to keep my cool under extreme pressures...this is the most extreme that I have ever had. That is not to say that I have not broken down many many times in the last few days...I just keep telling myself that I MUST do what I feel is right for the sake of my son. If she is unhappy and needs helps or needs something else...I feel that i MUST try to make this easier, I must forgive...I know the pain she is in, I know she is so torn inside, the last thing she needs to me making it harder for her. I believe in Love, even when someone does not ask for it...with the love comes forgiveness and support, even if it hurts me more dearly than anything has ever hurt me before. I have the strength to handle the pressures that she does not...I am in a headspace to know what is best for my son, I have a moral and ethical obligation to do what I feel is right, to teach my son what I feel is the proper way to act...
I don't know if that makes sense...was so angry when I learned of the extent of the betrayal...I am still fighting myself over this. I want to lash out, but I feel that it would only serve to ease my pain some, but nothing positive in the long run...
I hardly know what to say, I've spent far too long thinking about it and all I can come up with is pathetic. I know that you're going through something I can't even imagine. I am glad for both you and your son that you have the strength to act as calmly as you are doing, as I truly believe it is the path of least regret, though your wife does definitely need some tough love from you in there to get your side of the situation into perspective for her. Forgiving her is very admirable though, though I think simply taking her back and trying to go from where you were - should she eventually desire it - would be very foolish. Hoping for the best for you two. Take care and stay strong.
On November 29 2012 06:43 totalpigeon wrote: I hardly know what to say, I've spent far too long thinking about it and all I can come up with is pathetic. I know that you're going through something I can't even imagine. I am glad for both you and your son that you have the strength to act as calmly as you are doing, as I truly believe it is the path of least regret, though your wife does definitely need some tough love from you in there to get your side of the situation into perspective for her. Forgiving her is very admirable though, though I think simply taking her back and trying to go from where you were - should she eventually desire it - would be very foolish. Hoping for the best for you two. Take care and stay strong.
I am trying. I just got done sending the other guy a letter...I probably shouldn't have, but I felt that I needed to make sure that he knew that their their lies and deceit, they have harmed me and possibly my son. I told him that he owes it to us to treat her right, that nothing they do will be able to remove me from her completely, and that I hope he is ashamed of himself. I kind of feel bad for sending it now...but I felt that I needed to say something to him.
As for taking back...I am still debating everything around that. She has told me that she needs to try this, for her own sake. I can respect that to some extent. I dislike it, I can be almost assured that she will not find what she is looking for with this move, because she does not know what she wants. She is a strong woman, capable of so many amazing feats that I can't even understand, while also being more lost and unsettled than anyone that I have ever known. I am stupid, but I have always promised her support. I have always felt that in messy breakups, you see a lot of the worst of people - I refuse to let that happen to me. I think that I have settled to give her a certain amount of time...I will probably need it myself since I now have to try to raise a son and a house with half the income...before I even think of trying to see anyone else. I suppose I am open to the idea of her coming back if she figured out what she wants, but only for so long, and we will still have to see what the future holds.
Getting cheated on is one of the worst things in the world I've ever dealt with. I honestly think it should be illegal to do that to someone (half joking). Blaming the other guy (something I also did to some extent), doesn't really solve anything and really, he isn't so much at fault. The onus is on her to not be a fuck-hole and get emotionally involved with other people, even if they try. She failed in that.
I'm not trying to bad-mouth your wife, but that is how I dealt with this (personally). The real problem is her, and she could have (and should have) just ignored this guy or any other guy and stayed loyal to you, but she didn't.
I know she still has to be a part of your life in some way because of the child (which makes her even more of a selfish bitch, from someone who doesn't know her), but I wouldn't try to "fix" things between you two.
This may come off as harsh but I'm just trying to relate how I dealt with it (we didn't have a kid together, luckily). From what I read you guys started off together in less than ideal circumstances, so maybe you should have been a little more careful? I don't know to be honest.
I'm a little sour on relationships as a whole right now because I keep meeting girls that are fucked-up in one way or another and I'm reminded that I'm considerably less fucked-up than most of the population when I get close to them. Feel free to ignore this if you want.
tl;dr: Blame her and hold her accountable for her ultimately selfish decision. Going through the other guy is counter-productive.
On November 29 2012 07:32 HardlyNever wrote: Getting cheated on is one of the worst things in the world I've ever dealt with. I honestly think it should be illegal to do that to someone (half joking). Blaming the other guy (something I also did to some extent), doesn't really solve anything and really, he isn't so much at fault. The onus is on her to not be a fuck-hole and get emotionally involved with other people, even if they try. She failed in that.
I'm not trying to bad-mouth your wife, but that is how I dealt with this (personally). The real problem is her, and she could have (and should have) just ignored this guy or any other guy and stayed loyal to you, but she didn't.
I know she still has to be a part of your life in some way because of the child (which makes her even more of a selfish bitch, from someone who doesn't know her), but I wouldn't try to "fix" things between you two.
This may come off as harsh but I'm just trying to relate how I dealt with it (we didn't have a kid together, luckily). From what I read you guys started off together in less than ideal circumstances, so maybe you should have been a little more careful? I don't know to be honest.
I'm a little sour on relationships as a whole right now because I keep meeting girls that are fucked-up in one way or another and I'm reminded that I'm considerably less fucked-up than most of the population when I get close to them. Feel free to ignore this if you want.
tl;dr: Blame her and hold her accountable for her ultimately selfish decision. Going through the other guy is counter-productive.
I know, I do blame her for the most part. We are all to blame to some extent. Honestly though, I am the guy that feels guilt and blame on myself more than anyone else. Our circumstances were overall good to begin with, I know I kind of rushed over them. Those years were, for the most part, great. Nothing is perfect, but it was as good as I and she claim to have ever felt. I know she did wrong...that is how I knew she was cheating on me. I knew he was acting rather familiar with her, I told her it made me uncomfortable, but she did nothing to stop it. I knew then that they were probably cheating on me.
I don't blame the other guy anymore than I blame everyone else. If I did, I might follow through with that baseball bat idea, but I don't. I feels both wrong and good to have sent him that letter...I feel like I am deserved of some kind of chewing out to him, I actually feel like if he was truly caring about our situation, he would come to me and offer his jaw to my fist. While I don't know if I could do that being against violence, it sure would feel good right about now. As for the letter I sent him, I tried hard to not attack him, but tell him honestly that I felt that since he was part of all of it, he had every option to do right as well and failed to. There are so many points of failure in the right now it is not even funny...
She did betray my trust further and more deeply than anyone ever has before. It is not just the cheating, sex I can look past, it is the way she did it, the lies and deceit that truly bother me, the fact that she let me believe things that were untrue the entire time knowing otherwise. At least she finally fessed up herself. She was not caught, she came clean. I know she fucked up...she knows she fucked up. It doesn't change anything though when blame is placed. I just am having to focus my mind hard to be sure to stay who I am and do what I think is right in this situation. It is hard to not stoop to their level.
Wow, now I feel like a total bitch. I've been a little angry at my gf for flirting with another guy because she has been afraid I would leave her. Reading this, I feel like an idiot for even having those thoughts. You've done good amazombie, if it means anything you've affected the way I (a pretentious fucking kid) thinks about relationships. I hope your pain doesn't last long and your son becomes all you could dream of .
On November 29 2012 11:59 docvoc wrote: Wow, now I feel like a total bitch. I've been a little angry at my gf for flirting with another guy because she has been afraid I would leave her. Reading this, I feel like an idiot for even having those thoughts. You've done good amazombie, if it means anything you've affected the way I (a pretentious fucking kid) thinks about relationships. I hope your pain doesn't last long and your son becomes all you could dream of .
I know the feeling. Trust me...I was once a kid that thought that those things mattered too. Don't worry...life just gets more and more complicated friend. =) I just hope that I can do what is right for my family. I am glad that at least something good may come from this - just know that as your grow older, you learn the things that truly matter in life, you learn what is really important - and everything else, all the high school drama bullshit was so stupid and just a waste of time and energy.
Just to give a bit of an update on this situation since a couple more days have passed, some long and hard conversations...
My wife has been battling a lot of issues and is very lost. I have decided to support her decisions. I have reminded her on multiple occasions that she will always be part of my family and even if she decides that she does not want her life with me, she will always be a friend, the mother of my child, and therefore family. She will have a place to go when she is lost. She never knew what it means to have a true family and how they work together to solve problems...I will not perpetuate that cycle. I refuse.
She has relented and I believe that she will not fight me about keeping my son with me and the rest of his family. I fully hope that things do not get ugly, and through open channels of communication, I have faith that they won't - that all this will remain civil and loving, as much as it can be in this absolute shitty situation, the hardest point in my life to this date.
She has talked about her still paying her share for our house, saying that she does not want to be the one responsible for our son losing his home. We talked a bit about writing that up as her child support or whatever it may be. I also suggested to her that she use some of her vacation time from work to go up there and visit, see how she likes it before she decides to move. I am going to give her the freedom and time that she needs to work out whatever it is that she needs to work out...maybe I am an idiot, but it is what I feel is the only right answer.
I also am going to suggest to her the next time that we talk to ask her new lover to move back down here, that if he really wants to be with her he should not ask force her hand to move away from her child. He is from this area, has all his friends and family here. It is not asking too much of him to come here, but I feel it is asking way too much of her to make her leave if she wants.
There have been a lot of tears and emotional roller coaster rides the past 90 hours or so - I have barely been able to sleep (not that is matters, I have never slept well...), I have not really eaten more than a few bites, and I got really frustrated because I couldn't even settle my mind enough to jerk off and at least ease a bit of tension, but overall I am being told by everyone that I talk to that I am handling it better than almost anyone would in this shitty situation...I am exhausted, but I still have work to do. Like the songs in the OP - I am a spent gladiator - just stay alive, just stay alive.
Thanks again for reading, the comments, and everything else. I cope best just talking over things over and over until I can relieve that cognitive dissonance and reconcile thoughts. Hence the reason I share so freely here, it helps a lot.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Things will get better for you each day i'm sure. I'm glad you're able to keep your son with you also, I bet he is a huge support for you. Sounds like you are doing the right things in regards to dealing with her problems without letting your anger with the situation show. Just keep strong and try not to let emotions make your decisions (I mean child support, custody and things of that nature.) You sound like a chill dude with a level head i hope things get better for you and your boy!
On December 01 2012 12:03 KaRnaGe[cF] wrote: Sorry to hear about your situation. Things will get better for you each day i'm sure. I'm glad you're able to keep your son with you also, I bet he is a huge support for you. Sounds like you are doing the right things in regards to dealing with her problems without letting your anger with the situation show. Just keep strong and try not to let emotions make your decisions (I mean child support, custody and things of that nature.) You sound like a chill dude with a level head i hope things get better for you and your boy!
Thank you. It is not about not letting anger show though, it is about forgiving and removing the anger from the situation, letting it go. I can't stand holding onto ill feelings, I hate how I act when I am upset or angry, so I had to forgive and let it go. That does not mean that it still does not hurt on a base human level, but I have let it all go.
We spent many hours talking and crying tonight, some brutal honesty, some anger, some frustrations, but love. We have decided to not be together, that this is the end. I asked her what she wanted from me, what were we, were we separated, were we going to try an open relationship, does she never want to talk/hang out with me again, what? She said "I just don't think this can be fixed." I pushed back saying that she did not answer my question, she needs to be 100% honest for me to understand and move forward with, I need a foundation. She finally admitted to herself and me that she did not want to be with me anymore. It hurt so much, the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. I cried in her arms, I broke down like a blubbering baby, but it was cathartic. It was that mental closure and reconciliation that I needed to hear.
She said that she could never see us not being friends though, and I agreed. I know it may sound weird and people always say that, but I have an amazing track record with exes, one of my exes is in fact truly my best friend. Add this to the fact that we have no real anger toward one another anymore, and for the first time in days, I am feeling positive again, knowing finally what I need to do to support her, and while it is not what I want, not my choice, at least she finally opened up and told me her true feelings. My goal is now no longer reconciliation for my sake, our sake, our son's sake, but for honesty and friendship. That I can handle and I handle well.
We talked for a good while longer after that, about a lot of things, us, our feelings, our relationship, where we stand, what she should do, and it was like having my old friend again. She admitted that many of the things could have been fixed if she was more open in the past about some of her feelings. Like I said, she has always been honest (with the exception of this incident), but that does not mean that she did not hold in certain feelings to spare others.
I just hope that we all learn and grow from this to come out as better people in the end, and I reassured that no matter what she is my family and I will always be there for her. I know that while many relationships end really badly, many don't, you just don't hear those stories as often. I think this is going to work out through love and communication with everyone involved.
We ended the night smoking a cigarette together...now, we both quit a long time ago together, but we have both since started again because of all the pressures. It was fitting...our relationship started around smoking cigarettes at college together, it felt fitting to end it with that. I would have loved one last chance to make love to her, to kiss her, to pleasure her, but that is no longer my joy to experience and I can accept that.
New Update: So I am using this blog as sort of a diary for this entire situation. While yesterday started off good, it did not end that way. We were planning on spending the evening together, but it came crashing down. Her new lover was supposed to have already gone home, but he hadn't yet. Instead of our evening talking and recuperating, she decided after we put our son to bed to go to him. I was exhausted from everything, so I went to bed early. I had to watch her getting ready, putting on her little "fuck me" skirt and getting all dolled up. All I could think of is some other guy fucking her. Add this to the fact that I am the one that has had to figure all of this out and is suffering, while she goes out as has a good time. I shouldn't expect more though...that is how she is. She copes by shutting down and escaping. I cope by talking...we sometimes clash.
She is the kind of person that compartmentalizes a lot and does not realize that her actions right now all have massive ripples. As I lay there I realized that yes, I had that foundation to work from that I wrote of in the last update, but now that added this entire level of emotions that I had not discovered before. I suddenly felt lonely and scared shitless from that loneliness. So I had not really been alone, without a partner-in-crime per say, for over 10 years. It is scary as shit. I was suddenly single without any prospects...and I felt this crushing weight of those feelings that I never before thought possible. Add this to her actions that night and I found a new level of anger. I had let go of a lot of anger already, and now a new level, a new wave came forward. I was desperate. I started pathetically flipping through my phone, looking for someone to call...I have many friends, some that I can talk about this with, others that I can't. The couple that know a lot of the details though were both unavailable. I even reached out to a couple friends that I knew I could talk to, but I was hesitant because we rarely talk anymore or whatever. Unavailable.
Finally, as I was falling asleep, one of those unavailable friends texted me to check in and we chatted back and forth some. Then the other good friend called a bit later to check in. We talked a long time and she has been so kind to me through all this. She let me yell and take a lot of my anger out on her, she allowed me to let it go. Also, I had my expected my wife to come home later in the night, but she didn't, and I am glad that she didn't. I was not in a good mindset, meditation was not calming me down, I would have started an argument. Instead it passed with talk and I later fell asleep.
I awoke this morning with no real anger, getting all of that new layer out, but just a level of depression that I had not felt in a long time. My son came in, woke me up, talked and played on the bed with me and asked me if I was still sad. He is the sweetest child...I told him that yeah, Daddy is sad, and he may be for a while, but reassured him that he was an amazing kid, he made Daddy sadness go away some, and I was not sad about him at all.
I then spent the day with my my son and my Mom. There are a horrible storm outside, so we drove around and took some pictures, saw a huge full rainbow, got some tacos for lunch, and talked. I then came home and had that feeling that I was losing my family, so I called my wife's sister, who I assumed knew what was going on. She didn't know anything yet...so that let out another torrent of emotion as we talked for an hour or so.
Then a bit later my wife came home...she asked me how our day was and I snapped a bit out of frustration with a "Why the hell do you care?" I immediately apologized and I tried to talk about my frustrations some, but it was upsetting her. She told me that she couldn't continue like this, she was exhausted. I am too...and we made a deal to not talk about any of it for at least 24 hours, give us a mental health day, a chance to not think about it. We are still trying to figure out where we stand, what the rules are going to be between us, but I got another level of closure to some of the uncertainty because she admitted that yes, she still wanted this to be her family. It was good to hear...it was the first time she told me that and it alleviated the feelings of abandonment that I had been having, calmed me. She hugged me and showed me some tenderness for the first time in a bit after she was rather cold the previous night. That also helped. We then talked about normal stuff and help onto our rule...24 hours. It is made harder by the fact that this event has taken up all of our lives for the past many days, it is hard to talk about anything else. Once in a while one of us would start to bring something up, then we would catch ourselves and say, ah ah ah, 24 hours.
Part of what they don't tell you about breakups of this magnitude is that it is only made harder by the fact that the one person that you trust and love most, the one person that you want to talk to is the one that is hurting you. You not only lose your partner, you lose your best friend for a while. I am used to having downs, then pulling myself up by the bootstraps with the help of friends, then getting past things. I have come to realize that this event is not one of those things that I can do that with as it felt in my last update. This is a wave that I have to ride, some parts are going to be bad, others are going to be good. Just because a good time is upon us does not mean that the bad will not return.
I have faith that we will get through this and come out clean on the other side. I know in my heart that we will...I reassured her that if that is what she wants, then I will do whatever I need to do to make that happen. She said it was, that our companionship meant everything and that she is having such a hard time because she knows she hurt me worse than I have ever been hurt and that she has ever hurt anyone. I know she wouldn't have done this to me if this was not what she really needed and wanted. We will get there, I know it...
Well, there is not much to add...the last couple days have been a mixture of ups and downs. I have completely come to terms with the fact that she really needs this, needs to do what she needs to do, no matter how much I want otherwise. It just sucks for everyone...it is just shitty as fuck.
I will do what you need me to do because of how I feel about you...
I'll preface this by saying the entire situation sucks big time. I've never been married but I had a 4 year relationship and it was an awful breakup, partially because I don't have the tolerance that you seem to.
I hope this doesn't come off offensive and I'm sure this will probably hurt to hear but I think you being so kind and rational about the situation isn't really helping you move on. You seem to be putting most of the blame on yourself (and obviously it takes two to tango) but shes the one that cheated, lied, miscommunicated, and whatever else.
You keep referring to her as your wife, and disillusioning yourself by saying things such as "we will get there, I know it". I think this is being dishonest with yourself and it seems clear that she doesn't want to be involved anymore.
Just keep focusing on taking care of your son and try not to over analyze things.
On December 06 2012 05:14 Sicion wrote: I cant image what your going through and I cant give you any advice but i just wanted to say that you are awesome! <3
Thank you for your kindness.
On December 06 2012 05:31 Masq wrote: I'll preface this by saying the entire situation sucks big time. I've never been married but I had a 4 year relationship and it was an awful breakup, partially because I don't have the tolerance that you seem to.
I hope this doesn't come off offensive and I'm sure this will probably hurt to hear but I think you being so kind and rational about the situation isn't really helping you move on. You seem to be putting most of the blame on yourself (and obviously it takes two to tango) but shes the one that cheated, lied, miscommunicated, and whatever else.
You keep referring to her as your wife, and disillusioning yourself by saying things such as "we will get there, I know it". I think this is being dishonest with yourself and it seems clear that she doesn't want to be involved anymore.
Just keep focusing on taking care of your son and try not to over analyze things.
I know, but I am now at this point where when I think of "we will get there" it is not that we will be together again. It is a generalize thing for me, that as a family we will work everything out to be what we hope will be the best for everyone. I know that it is her fault, I know this, but as a family man you can't help but blame yourself to at least some extent. We talked a lot yesterday about this and she admits that we have had communication issues for a while, mostly her fault, but it is a two-way street. I could have done more...and no matter what she did, what wrong she did to me and our family, it does not mean that mistakes were not made on both sides.
I am just sort of numb at this point...a week of crying, fear, anger, and everything else has taken its toll for now. I am slowly moving on, trying to grasp at my new foundation and trying to think of how to rebuild this mess of bricks into something positive. My goal right now is to remain civil and hope to build a new friendship out of the rubble of our relationship. It will take a while...it will be hard...and I have many kind friends that have been helping me through all of this. Trust me, I have no real illusions of this being "fixed" anymore, but as you said, my son is the #1 concern right now, and having a loving family, even is separated, is what is important. It is just hard, but I have faith that even after she leaves, we will be able to at least remain civil and hopefully friends in the end for our sake and for our son's sake.
I do agree that our current situation may not be the healthiest for either of us in the long run, but it does not mean that I will not make it through this mess and come out clean on the other side. I believe that love and family can make anything happen with enough resolve. I refuse to let the world and shitty situations make me bitter. Again, this does not mean that I even begin to think that we are going to be together in the end. It doesn't. I know this. I am holding on to my belief of family, not my now ex-wife. Be the change you wish to see in the world.
I hope that clarifies things a bit, but I do know that in many ways you are right.
I know you think you love her. I know you think because all you have been through this situation might be your fault. But it is not.
"I had to watch her getting ready, putting on her little "fuck me" skirt and getting all dolled up."
Holy fuck man. What are you doing? Open your eyes. She doesn't give a shit about you, or her child. If this is what she is doing, she is not going through issues, she is playing you like a fucking violin.
How on earth are you feeling guilty? When she is clearly not. If she felt any guilt, any remorse, she would not be going to fuck another dude.
" I immediately apologized and I tried to talk about my frustrations some, but it was upsetting her."
You have nothing to apologize for. Don't for one second apologize. If she gets upset, then good. She deserves to be upset. You do not. Fuck I am so angry right now.
You are letting her walk all over you. You are affraid of being alone, and therefore you feel like you need her. That is wrong. And in the long run you and your child will be better.
You deserve to find someone that is better than her. You need to get her out of your life as soon as possible.
"I have faith that we will get through this and come out clean on the other side. I know in my heart that we will.."
NO. NO. NO. You don't need her.
For the love of God, read my first blog. It is about my divorce, the struggles I went through, and my recovery.. I felt exactly like this when it happened. I wish, knowing what I know now that there was someone telling me exactly what I am telling you.
I know you think you love her. I know you think because all you have been through this situation might be your fault. But it is not.
"I had to watch her getting ready, putting on her little "fuck me" skirt and getting all dolled up."
Holy fuck man. What are you doing? Open your eyes. She doesn't give a shit about you, or her child. If this is what she is doing, she is not going through issues, she is playing you like a fucking violin.
How on earth are you feeling guilty? When she is clearly not. If she felt any guilt, any remorse, she would not be going to fuck another dude.
" I immediately apologized and I tried to talk about my frustrations some, but it was upsetting her."
You have nothing to apologize for. Don't for one second apologize. If she gets upset, then good. She deserves to be upset. You do not. Fuck I am so angry right now.
You are letting her walk all over you. You are affraid of being alone, and therefore you feel like you need her. That is wrong. And in the long run you and your child will be better.
You deserve to find someone that is better than her. You need to get her out of your life as soon as possible.
"I have faith that we will get through this and come out clean on the other side. I know in my heart that we will.."
NO. NO. NO. You don't need her.
For the love of God, read my first blog. It is about my divorce, the struggles I went through, and my recovery.. I felt exactly like this when it happened. I wish, knowing what I know now that there was someone telling me exactly what I am telling you.
LET GO.
I am working on it...last night I had a moment of clarity in this direction, and my new foundation is being laid as we speak, but I am not an angry or wrathful person. Saying fuck her is exactly what I refuse to teach my son. I am a hardcore humanist that believes that we do fucked up shit to people sometimes, we do fucked up shit to those we love sometimes as well, and you cannot just let it be as if it didn't happen, but writing someone off completely because of it is just immoral to me. It is against my entire outlook on life. I am in the process of letting her go, and in fact hold no further illusions that she wants to be with me at all. It is just hard and sometimes, especially when high emotional and agitated, I think negative or unhealthy thoughts. The fact is this: I will take whatever pain I need to for my family. I will take it and let it go in my own way. That is how I have always been with all friends and family, hence why I have many loving and caring friends and family members that have always been there for me during dark times. Maybe I am an idiot and maybe I am being walked on, but that is a role that I accept for the chance to do what I feel is correct in the long run.
Trust me, there has been a lot of anger but I have let most that I have had since this incident go, and some of it was on her. I am a person that acts that way with everyone, no matter what. If I am mean, while it may be justified, I am immediately apologetic for it. It generally does not serve the greater good in the end. Also, I will never be able to get her out of my life completely. I will not let my son grow up with his mother that does love him and is an amazing mom overall. She cares about him so much, and as stated, wants to take him. While I understand your points on this, I know her and you do not. Please do not make judgement calls about her as a parent. Even good parents do selfish and fucked up things sometimes.
As for better, I know that I am better. I know that I am the bigger person in this, but that to me does not justify being an ass and dropping to her or anyone else's level. I refuse to teach my son that as well. You can think what you want about me and yes, when I wrote the OP, I still had many of those delusions. I work through them one by one with time, friends, and talking. I am already trying to decide if I want to make a future here where we lived or to use this as an opportunity to go elsewhere. Luckily I have a job that affords me that since my company has work all over the US. There is more that goes into these decisions though than just my ex-wife, mainly my other family in the area.
On December 06 2012 05:59 TheAmazombie wrote: I am working on it...last night I had a moment of clarity in this direction, and my new foundation is being laid as we speak, but I am not an angry or wrathful person. Saying fuck her is exactly what I refuse to teach my son. I am a hardcore humanist that believes that we do fucked up shit to people sometimes, we do fucked up shit to those we love sometimes as well, and you cannot just let it be as if it didn't happen, but writing someone off completely because of it is just immoral to me. It is against my entire outlook on life. I am in the process of letting her go, and in fact hold no further illusions that she wants to be with me at all. It is just hard and sometimes, especially when high emotional and agitated, I think negative or unhealthy thoughts. The fact is this: I will take whatever pain I need to for my family. I will take it and let it go in my own way. That is how I have always been with all friends and family, hence why I have many loving and caring friends and family members that have always been there for me during dark times. Maybe I am an idiot and maybe I am being walked on, but that is a role that I accept for the chance to do what I feel is correct in the long run.
Trust me, there has been a lot of anger but I have let most that I have had since this incident go, and some of it was on her. I am a person that acts that way with everyone, no matter what. If I am mean, while it may be justified, I am immediately apologetic for it. It generally does not serve the greater good in the end.
As for better, I know that I am better. I know that I am the bigger person in this, but that to me does not justify being an ass and dropping to her or anyone else's level. I refuse to teach my son that as well. You can think what you want about me and yes, when I wrote the OP, I still had many of those delusions. I work through them one by one with time, friends, and talking. I am already trying to decide if I want to make a future here where we lived or to use this as an opportunity to go elsewhere. Luckily I have a job that affords me that since my company has work all over the US. There is more that goes into these decisions though than just my ex-wife, mainly my other family in the area.
I just don't want you to get walked over. I can understand not wanting to teach your son to be an ass, but on the flip side of the coin, you don't want to teach him to be a pushover do you? I want you to look for middle ground.
EPT
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