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I started working at a new place over the summer. Everyone was really nice, and I really enjoyed the work I was doing. There was one particular coworker that I clicked with more than the others. We never got super close or anything, but he would say hi to me every day and sometimes tell me random funny stories. He would flirt with me occasionally, telling me that I was making him nervous, or that I looked good that day. He was cute, and I would miss him on the days I had to work but he was off.
I soon began to have a crush on him. Just a small one at first. But the more I found out about him, the more I liked him and thought that we could become something more. And I thought there was a possibility that he felt the same way about me. Soon, I liked him enough to begin entertaining the idea of asking him out, which would be a huge deal for me since I am really shy when it comes to guys. I even google searched how to ask a guy out. Just as I was mustering enough courage to finally do it, one day I found out during lunch with some of my coworkers that he was actually getting married before the end of the year. My heart sank, but I thought okay, at least I didn’t try to make a move yet and embarrass myself.
I was a little heartbroken, and the rest of the day, I felt I couldn’t look at him anymore. Somehow I felt a little deceived, even though it wasn’t his fault – he had just been friendly and I had taken it the wrong way. At the end of the day, when he caught my eye and smiled at me, I couldn’t help but smile back. It was a sad smile, but I don’t think he noticed. On the drive home, I started crying uncontrollably…I knew it was silly, but I couldn’t help myself.
After crying and feeling crappy the rest of the night, I got over him and we were able to still be friends. We still joked around at work. One day, when it was slow, we were talking again, and he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, and he was surprised, saying how he didn’t believe such a nice girl was still single. I then asked him about his fiancé, and he told me how long they had been dating and how she was the right girl for him, etc etc.
He then told me he wanted to ask me out to coffee after work a couple of times but didn’t because he was scared that I had a boyfriend. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I knew it was probably just a friendly gesture—after all, he was a really friendly guy.
The next day after work, he asked me if I wanted to get dinner afterward, but I already had plans, so I said no. He looked a little disappointed, and I was too, I wanted to go too. But we just talked like normal afterward, and the rest of the day went on like it usually did.
The next day, he asked me if I had plans Saturday night after work, and if not, if I would like to get dinner. I actually did have plans, but I said yes anyway because I wanted to hang out and was afraid he wouldn’t ask again if I said no again.
So Saturday night, we went to eat dinner. We talked normally during dinner. He told me about some gossip that was going around work and other fun stuff. He told me again he was surprised I didn’t have a boyfriend, and that he really enjoyed hanging out with me because he was really comfortable around me. He also emphasized several times that he doesn’t normally ask female coworkers to hang out outside of work. Then he said that if he wasn’t getting married, he would really want to date me. And I felt really sad when he said that. I had gotten over him already, but he was confusing me. Why was he telling me these things?
After dinner, he asked if I needed to get home already, and I said no because I was having a good time. So we decided to go watch a movie. He bought the tickets, but the movie didn’t start until an hour later, so we went to get some coffee at a nearby Starbucks. There we sat side by side, leaning against each other like a couple might. We went back to the theater when it was almost time for the movie to start.
After the movie, it was about 12AM, and again he asked if I needed to head home already. I said no, and he still seemed like he wanted to hang out, so we went to get some drinks nearby. We stayed for an hour or so until the place closed. As we walked back to his car, I was a little tipsy. He nudged my cheek gently and messed with my hair playfully. He drove me back to the lot where I had parked my car. He told me he would stay with me until I was sober enough to drive home.
We got out of his car to get some fresh air. Out of nowhere he picked me up and started carrying me around. I thought to myself “What’s going on?” but at that point I didn’t really care and just went along with it. When he finally put me down, he told me his heart was beating really quickly. I teased him saying it was probably because I was too heavy and it was a workout for him. He didn’t say anything, but took my hand and placed it on his heart. It was beating really quickly.
He picked me up again and carried me around again for a little bit. When he put me down, he held me from behind. His hands reached for mine and held them. I could feel his head resting gently on mine. It was really sweet and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I had imagined him holding me like this hundreds of times, but I never thought it would actually happen, especially after finding out he had a girlfriend already.
He asked me if I felt awkward and I said no. It was a really nice feeling, being held like that. Then a little while later, he asked if I would be mad if he tried to kiss me right now. I should have said yes and stopped him, but instead I said that I didn’t know, so he turned me around and kissed me. It was my first kiss.
Things started moving quickly after that, and by the end of the night, we had done everything except actually having sex. At the end of it all, I was sitting in his lap and he was holding me, and we talked more. He told me that he hoped I would find a guy that could appreciate me as much as I deserved and that we would always be good friends. I was okay with that, after all, we both got lost in the heat of the moment even though I knew he was attached and soon to be married.
I know that I’ll never have a relationship with him beyond “just friends.” I know that he won’t be able to give me anything more. I knew it in the back of my head even as we were doing all those things. I thought I would be okay with it, but I’m not, and I still want him. After all, he took a lot of my firsts. Today was the second time he made me cry.
 
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If you can live with being just friends, then by all means do that, If you can't you should tell him how you feel, don't torture yourself by pretending to be his friend.
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Very bad idea for the sake of both of you to stay friends tbh, you will get hurt even more often and if he gives into the temptation of actually having sex with you (which seems very likely given your story, you are very good at describing the situation :O ) then everything will turn very awkward very soon.
Quit the job and never talk to him again if that's possible, might seem very rash but I promise you it will be much easier for you in the long term (or get send to another department or whatever, just don't meet him again). He obviously likes you and there's a huge chemistry that will hurt all 3 parties involved somehow...
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tl;dr: Get out of this.
Long version:
A) The guy doesn't want to get married and his relationship isn't as serious for him as it is for his girl. While he might be willing to break up with her, would you genuinely enjoy being with a guy who goes as far as planning a marriage without actually intending to follow through with it?
B) The guy wants something sweet on the side. Nothing wrong with that depending on what he agreed on with his GF but you don't strike me emotionally stable enough for something like this, especially considering he seems to be your first guy.
How old are both of you?
PS: Don't let him or you blame you for "not being responsible 'cause he's taken and all" - it's his responsibility for taking care of those things. You also don't strike me as a male devouring beast just waiting to get the first taken guy just because you can. =P
Edit: After reading the whole story again, I'm pretty sure it's B) or a plain ego thing, trying to find out how far he can get with you. Welp. Best of luck to you, that guy definitely isn't healthy to be around imo.
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I'll be honest and say that I am happy for you that you had those firsts, because as much as it can hurt I doubt you'd say no if you had the opportunity to undo it.
Feel sorry for his fiancé if you want to, but honestly you didn't do anything to seduce him, you just let him drag you along (and even if you did, it's still his responsibillity for not giving in to the seduction).
Well written blog, was really interesting to see a romantic blog from a girl's perspective, you describe the situation really well and it's easy for me to believe what you say, it seems authentic.
If you're anything like the female friends of mine you might feel guilty for "spoiling" his relationship with his fiance in a way or another. I'll say it again, it's his fault for seducing you, it isn't your responsibillity.
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I feel sorry for you. You basically got used, I actually can't believe after all that he told you "He hoped you would find a guy that could appreciate you as much as you deserved and that you guys would always be good friends"
What the actual fuck. He basically said "Thanks for putting out, hope we can be friends so you don't go and tell my fiance". I personally know two guy's EXACTLY like this, they didn't take their relationship seriously ever (one has been dating his girlfriend 5 years, the other is getting married to his girlfriend of 3 years), they openly spoke about cheating on their girlfriends multiple times with different girls. It was spoken about when the girlfriends were not there but in a way that they really didn't seem to care less if you told her, although as time went on they both stopped BUT STILL I couldn't believe it.
I think you need to tell the fiance if you can muster the guts up to do it and quit your job. I wouldn't remain friends with a guy like this either, he will only ever use you and if you ever got into a relationship with him, could you trust him?
I wouldn't feel to bad about actually doing things with him because as it sounds he was the one that was putting all the moves on you. I guess just a tip from my perspective, I mean many people in different places or social groups or whatever are completely different about certain situations but if you give a guy everything on the first date, even if you have known him a while.
The guy won't respect you, he won't want you as much or at all either. That does all depend on the guy though but just be careful about when and who you give your goods to.
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I am also curious about the age bracket of you two.
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Sounds like this guy feels trapped and is using you to explore his own emotions.
To the people who say that the guy isn't healthy, that's not true at all. He is a just a perfectly normal guy that feels pressure with marriage. You don't have to do anything rash, like quit your job, or even tell him off. Both of you know exactly how you feel about each other. He likes you, but don't ever get it in your head that you can replace his feelings for the person who he is getting married too. The way a guy thinks is a lot different in terms of relationships then women.
While I agree with Evo, on the main point, I don't agree too much with A, as the marriage and this relationship are two separate things. Guys are always looking for excuses to move forward, and explore. They want to know what else is out there on the market.
More to the point, friendship between a guy and a girl doesn't exist. In the guys mind, he is always willing, as long as he is attracted to you. If you maintain a friendship between him and he does get married, chances are you are going to get caught up with him.
Get more experience with just starting things off, as rushing through things (like you did with this guy) will only emotionally tie you down (which in the end, isn't a bad thing, as long as its just you two in the relationship, and that there is a relationship that is defined as it is).
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Yeah, not much to add here; essentially you're being used and he knows exactly what he's doing.
Follow the advice of those above you; this guy's relationship is not going to last very long.
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Canada6330 Posts
Think about it this way - he has a super-solid back-up plan (his fiance + upcoming marriage) so he can do what the hell he wants with very little risk, while you're single and vulnerable. He playing a game with like 5 credits while you're on your last one.
Just to re-iterate one of the universal truths mentioned above:
On October 02 2012 20:58 hellsan631 wrote:
friendship between a guy and a girl doesn't exist.
There are only varying levels of attraction.
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op is a homewrecker who is gonna get fired for boinking a coworker
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On October 02 2012 22:07 WaveofShadow wrote:
Yeah, not much to add here; essentially you're being used and he knows exactly what he's doing.
Follow the advice of those above you; this guy's relationship is not going to last very long.
This this this. Get out of any involvement with this guy ASAP. I think guys are a lot easier to see through and predict because we're often less emotionally attached to situations; the specifics of a situation and the "warm fuzzy feeling that just makes her special" is often a lot less powerful with men, I think. As a guy who would never even consider kissing another girl while I was dating someone (let alone getting married), I think this guy sounds like nothing but bad news.
Do yourself a favor and find a guy who isn't going to "do everything except sex" (which will inevitably lead to sex if you let this continue) with you while getting married to another woman.
P.S. I third the request for disclosure of your age. For me it's strictly out of curiosity because it wouldn't change anything I wrote above.
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I agree with pretty much everything that everyone above has posted, but it was still a really cute and well written story.
Girls writing boys blogs are so much more "The Notebook"-esque than Boys writing girls blogs hahahaha.
It's probably going to be harder for you to get over him, now that you've actually done stuff with him  And the fact that he cheated on his fiancee means that he's... well, kind of a dirtbag. You don't ask other girls out on official dates when you're in an exclusive relationship, and you certainly don't go kissing and fooling around with them.
Are you permanently working with him? Or is it just a seasonal/ temporary job for you or him?
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He playing a game with like 5 credits while you're on your last one.
Just to re-iterate one of the universal truths mentioned above:
Boy/girl blogs are great. Even if the OP does not want any advice, theres always great advice for the rest of us to read. I love the line about the credits!
It's so true and important to remember that love is a game and sometimes one person has less to gain and more to lose. Of course they're going to play, but be MAD at them for doing that to you!
My thoughts reading this was, you have an innocence that he can benefit from. Maybe he always liked girls like you but always lacked the confidence. Maybe now that he is secure in engagement he has confidence. Maybe he taught you how flirting and chatting can work out and that its really fun to have romance some times~
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On October 02 2012 22:25 QuanticHawk wrote:
op is a homewrecker who is gonna get fired for boinking a coworker
Spoiler alert, QuanticHawk speaks the truth, don't be an idiot OP. Seriously, I can't see this working out for you considering how NOT stable with yourself you are.
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Guy's a dirt bag and just making it seem like he's a nice guy so he can get in your pants. Sorry.
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this
On October 02 2012 20:54 ScruffyJanitor wrote:
I feel sorry for you. You basically got used, I actually can't believe after all that he told you "He hoped you would find a guy that could appreciate you as much as you deserved and that you guys would always be good friends"
What the actual fuck. He basically said "Thanks for putting out, hope we can be friends so you don't go and tell my fiance".
and this
On October 02 2012 22:25 QuanticHawk wrote:
op is a homewrecker who is gonna get fired for boinking a coworker
sorry.
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This was a really great and sweet story, that guy obviously loves you and cares about you a great deal. When he said that he wished you would find a guy who could "appreciate you as much you deserve", that just completely broke my heart
Maybe he is a little bit conflicted deep inside, but the fact that he wants to be friends with you despite the intimacy shows that he is genuine and not trying to take advantage of you, or anything like that.
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You are turning into the side booty. "I love my wife, but you're special to me too."
Don't be that girl.
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enjoyed reading this  gratz on probably a life-long friend if you choose to keep in contact with him for that long
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On October 03 2012 00:25 a176 wrote:this Show nested quote +On October 02 2012 20:54 ScruffyJanitor wrote:
I feel sorry for you. You basically got used, I actually can't believe after all that he told you "He hoped you would find a guy that could appreciate you as much as you deserved and that you guys would always be good friends"
What the actual fuck. He basically said "Thanks for putting out, hope we can be friends so you don't go and tell my fiance". sorry.
sorry but i think they are right.. just get out of there, you dont need that shit you are just gonna get hurt.
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wow TL is so cynical, i would just enjoy what you had and never talk to him again, just because it happened once doesnt mean it has to happen again
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Well i was going to write up a post about the guy using you and seeming fishy, but everyone else already sees it so yeah. Take their advice, cut it off.
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This sounds really weird to me and I'm really not sure about his motivations. Though he's clearly sexually attracted to you.
There's basically a number of reasons why he'd act like he does, but none of them is that he wants to be just friends. Obviously he doesn't want anything serious, but he doesn't want to be "normal" friends as well. Otherwise there's just no explanation to why he'd hold hands with you and kiss you. I at least don't do this with my female friends and I don't know anyone else who'd do this. The other thing is his fiance. You know that he is engaged and just from my guess, she'd be really hurt if she'd knew about this and if she'd knew that you're aware of him being engaged. If you keep on going like this you'll not only hurt yourself, you hurt her as well.
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... Came to read strange and unusual "boy blog".
Read it, want to throttle "boy" its about. Ditch him, quickly, and if someone has a fiance? Don't go out with them to dinner. Just don't.
Because... he is probably playing you, and if he isn't he's fucking up by the numbers with his other girl. What makes you think you'd be different from her?
He's not worth the pain and aggravation the whole mess will cause in the best of times, and he is a douche. Plus, as you've seen here, some people will blame you, whether or not the drama is your fault.
Fucking guys. I mean, yeah, I am one, but they're still douchebags. (Maybe including me. I dunno. I try to keep an open mind about myself, at least.)
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The guy's not thinking clearly. He's not an a-hole, he's just confused, but in the end he'll be happier for having dated you and you'll be the opposite. Even if he doesn't mean to, he's using you because he's being a happiness vampire.
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hahahahaahha yeah what a dirt bag did you guys read about the part where he had to pry her legs open with the jaws of life oh ok neither did i
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so you knew this guy was going to get married, but went on a date with him anyways and kissed him? he sounds like a douchebag but you two deserve each other
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On October 03 2012 01:17 StateofReverie wrote:enjoyed reading this gratz on probably a life-long friend if you choose to keep in contact with him for that long
Looking for some state blog action and instead get this fucking gem of a comment instead. Dude this is not ok behavior for the dude at all. It puts his fiance in a shithole of a situation and puts this girl in a bad situation as well. She is considered a home wrecked if she goes for it but he was the one that initiated the whole situation. She had feelings for him and he played her.
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I've been on TL for years but never care to post anything but since this touched me in a way I'd like to add my thought.
I "stole" my girl from her 13 year marriage, 16 year relationship and we've been going strong for 8 years now. Looking forward to the next 20. You never know who you may meet regardless of your status. There is always someone better for you out there and if you find them then why not give it the chance? If you don't you are just settling for something less that you know won't achieve the happiness you want for your life. You only live once. Enjoy whatever life gives you and whether it works out or not you still have those memories.
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On October 03 2012 00:50 EffervescentAureola wrote:This was a really great and sweet story, that guy obviously loves you and cares about you a great deal. When he said that he wished you would find a guy who could "appreciate you as much you deserve", that just completely broke my heart Maybe he is a little bit conflicted deep inside, but the fact that he wants to be friends with you despite the intimacy shows that he is genuine and not trying to take advantage of you, or anything like that.
Nonono. If he loved her, he would leave his fiance to be with her. He wants to be friends with benefits--real friends don't mess around with each other when they are engaged to other people.
He probably does have real feelings for the OP, but he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. This guy is a narcissist, and you should shut him down. You do not have to quit your job, or be mean. Just be business-like.
If this guy would cheat on his fiance with you, he would cheat on you with someone else, because he is only concerned with what HE wants.
To the OP: you are a talented writer. Given that you posted on this site, you have at least two qualities that make you a highly rare and desirable person. You can find someone who only wants to be with you, rather than someone who takes advantage of people.
Dudes can seem damn genuine when they want to--you have to look past what they say to what they actually do. Good luck to you!
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On October 03 2012 04:11 QuanticHawk wrote:
hahahahaahha yeah what a dirt bag did you guys read about the part where he had to pry her legs open with the jaws of life oh ok neither did i
You don't need to be a rapist to be a piece of shit. If only I could think of an example...
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Everyone so cynical here. I give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he didn't set out to cheat on his fiancé, but was trying to strike some sort of balance that probably doesn't exist. In either case, though, it's clearly not a good idea to pursue a relationship (of 'friendship' or whatever you want to call it) with him on these terms.
I think openness is good, and guys in general tend to value directness, so if I were you, I would try to have a straight-up conversation with the guy about how you'd like to be friends, but the other night made it clear that your feelings for each other go beyond friendship and this isn't going to work, he being engaged to someone else. That will probably confirm things that he's been thinking already, and he'll agree that it's probably for the best that you not be with each other alone again. Then STICK to that.
You'll be sad for a little while, but you'll get over it. The deeper in you let yourself get, the harder that will be. Same goes for him.
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Chick is obviously too busy going on secret dates to respond to her own blog. Quickly and quietly deleting any sort of evidence that she was "politely" asked to remove "for us ".
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Wow, this guy is an idiot.
I also expired the same thing.
He's married but he also raises your hopes. This is ridiculous.
He loves you and the other woman. Now he has to choose but he's too cowardly.
Hope this doesn't turn into a nightmare/your nightmare.
Good Luck!
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Says a lot about a guy if he is willing to cheat when he is about to be married, this is a guy you do not want to be friends or keep in contact in anyway. Don't let him convince you to stay in touch. Hes already bored with his marriage and it hasn't even started yet, whats that say about the future if he ends it and goes to you for a relationship? As much as it hurts OP, your best bet is to not even keep in contact with him.
Although this is all based on what you wrote, so take your best judgement in whatever you decide. I am by no means a relationship expert, just based off personal experience.
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On October 03 2012 05:59 Xhiwi wrote:
Wow, this guy is an idiot.
I also expired the same thing.
He's married but he also raises your hopes. This is ridiculous.
He loves you and the other woman. Now he has to choose but he's too cowardly.
Hope this doesn't turn into a nightmare/your nightmare.
Good Luck!
or you could, you know, not be a homewrecker and find a single guy
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On October 03 2012 03:16 felisconcolori wrote:
Fucking guys. I mean, yeah, I am one, but they're still douchebags. (Maybe including me. I dunno. I try to keep an open mind about myself, at least.)
I hate it when my fellow man says this sort of shit. Not every guy is a douchebag, not every woman is a bitch. Stop using a broad brush to paint everyone else. Stop feeding people's negative stereotypes.
Also the OP (woman) isn't completely absolved of any blame, yes the guy should know better but so should she. He has a fiancee already, she shouldn't even be considering going out to dinner with him, let alone kissing him.
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On October 03 2012 05:32 Mr. Black wrote:Show nested quote +On October 03 2012 04:11 QuanticHawk wrote:
hahahahaahha yeah what a dirt bag did you guys read about the part where he had to pry her legs open with the jaws of life oh ok neither did i You don't need to be a rapist to be a piece of shit. If only I could think of an example...
the second this married dude stood in front of her, this girls legs opened up like the automatic doors to a supermarket. let's be real here, they're both fucking idiots
User was warned for this post
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On October 03 2012 12:27 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On October 03 2012 05:32 Mr. Black wrote:On October 03 2012 04:11 QuanticHawk wrote:
hahahahaahha yeah what a dirt bag did you guys read about the part where he had to pry her legs open with the jaws of life oh ok neither did i You don't need to be a rapist to be a piece of shit. If only I could think of an example... the second this married dude stood in front of her, this girls legs opened up like the automatic doors to a supermarket. let's be real here, they're both fucking idiots Aside from the fact that you don't seem to have read the OP very closely (he wasn't married; they didn't have sex), IMO the person with the other relationship is always more to blame. He's the one who's reneging on a commitment, not her.
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On October 03 2012 12:42 QuanticIllusion wrote:
wat?
back me up bro were on the same team
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Thanks to everyone who posted genuine words of advice.
I mainly posted this because I just wanted to share this story. I am aware that what I did was wrong and unacceptable, and I am just as responsible for what happened as he is. I am neither looking to meet with him outside of work again or develop a real relationship with him now that I see clearly what kind of a guy he is.
On October 03 2012 05:44 tonight wrote:Chick is obviously too busy going on secret dates to respond to her own blog. Quickly and quietly deleting any sort of evidence that she was "politely" asked to remove "for us ".
I have no idea what you're trying to say here. I have not asked anyone to delete anything, nor has anyone asked me to remove anything.
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On October 03 2012 13:08 amethyst wrote:
Thanks to everyone who posted genuine words of advice.
I mainly posted this because I just wanted to share this story. I am aware that what I did was wrong and unacceptable, and I am just as responsible for what happened as he is. I am neither looking to meet with him outside of work again or develop a real relationship with him now that I see clearly what kind of a guy he is.
Learning from it and moving on is the right response. The only thing I'd add is that the experience can help you spot a jerk sooner next time. Just because someone's a good flirt doesn't mean they're a great person.
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On October 03 2012 13:08 amethyst wrote:Thanks to everyone who posted genuine words of advice. I mainly posted this because I just wanted to share this story. I am aware that what I did was wrong and unacceptable, and I am just as responsible for what happened as he is. I am neither looking to meet with him outside of work again or develop a real relationship with him now that I see clearly what kind of a guy he is. Show nested quote +On October 03 2012 05:44 tonight wrote:Chick is obviously too busy going on secret dates to respond to her own blog. Quickly and quietly deleting any sort of evidence that she was "politely" asked to remove "for us ". I have no idea what you're trying to say here. I have not asked anyone to delete anything, nor has anyone asked me to remove anything.
What kind of a guy is he to you now?
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On October 03 2012 05:06 xedric wrote:
I've been on TL for years but never care to post anything but since this touched me in a way I'd like to add my thought.
I "stole" my girl from her 13 year marriage, 16 year relationship and we've been going strong for 8 years now. Looking forward to the next 20. You never know who you may meet regardless of your status. There is always someone better for you out there and if you find them then why not give it the chance? If you don't you are just settling for something less that you know won't achieve the happiness you want for your life. You only live once. Enjoy whatever life gives you and whether it works out or not you still have those memories.
I read this and cracked up laughing.
You should include the sentence, "Looking forward to the next 20. Or until my wife figures out I'm always looking for a better her, and she starts looking for better me."
As for OP.
-The guy used you. Learn and move forward.
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On October 03 2012 13:35 metbull wrote:Show nested quote +On October 03 2012 05:06 xedric wrote:
I've been on TL for years but never care to post anything but since this touched me in a way I'd like to add my thought.
I "stole" my girl from her 13 year marriage, 16 year relationship and we've been going strong for 8 years now. Looking forward to the next 20. You never know who you may meet regardless of your status. There is always someone better for you out there and if you find them then why not give it the chance? If you don't you are just settling for something less that you know won't achieve the happiness you want for your life. You only live once. Enjoy whatever life gives you and whether it works out or not you still have those memories. I read this and cracked up laughing. You should include the sentence, "Looking forward to the next 20. Or until my wife figures out I'm always looking for a better her, and she starts looking for better me." As for OP. -The guy used you. Learn and move forward.
Actually if you try and automatically believe that getting married = blinders on every single other girl out there, then your married life will be hellish
I firmly believe two things are necessary for a happy marriage
1) a good pre-nup that clearly delineates who gets what in a divorce
2) a renewal clause in the marriage that requires both parties to actively renew the marriage every four, five, or six years
so many marriages die because one party or another just believes it can skate on by now that it's locked up both sides to an eternal contract. people make mistakes all the time. why make marriage the one mistake with which you have to suffer for the rest of your life?
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On October 03 2012 13:41 Shady Sands wrote:
I firmly believe two things are necessary for a happy marriage
...
2) a renewal clause in the marriage that requires both parties to actively renew the marriage every four, five, or six years I'd never heard this idea before, but it's actually really neat. I'm half convinced that people should start taking your advice. (As for the pre-nup, I'm wholly convinced that people should have one.)
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NeverGG
United Kingdom5399 Posts
He sounds like a right creep. If he's willing to do this to the woman he's in a relationship with, then who is to say he won't do it to you? (Oh wait, he did.) Also, tbh you're also at fault for going along with it when you know he has someone else imo. Both as bad as each other. I'd never think of doing something like this to someone else - it smacks of a lack of self-control and selfishness.
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On October 03 2012 13:41 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On October 03 2012 13:35 metbull wrote:On October 03 2012 05:06 xedric wrote:
I've been on TL for years but never care to post anything but since this touched me in a way I'd like to add my thought.
I "stole" my girl from her 13 year marriage, 16 year relationship and we've been going strong for 8 years now. Looking forward to the next 20. You never know who you may meet regardless of your status. There is always someone better for you out there and if you find them then why not give it the chance? If you don't you are just settling for something less that you know won't achieve the happiness you want for your life. You only live once. Enjoy whatever life gives you and whether it works out or not you still have those memories. I read this and cracked up laughing. You should include the sentence, "Looking forward to the next 20. Or until my wife figures out I'm always looking for a better her, and she starts looking for better me." As for OP. -The guy used you. Learn and move forward. Actually if you try and automatically believe that getting married = blinders on every single other girl out there, then your married life will be hellish I firmly believe two things are necessary for a happy marriage 1) a good pre-nup that clearly delineates who gets what in a divorce 2) a renewal clause in the marriage that requires both parties to actively renew the marriage every four, five, or six years so many marriages die because one party or another just believes it can skate on by now that it's locked up both sides to an eternal contract. people make mistakes all the time. why make marriage the one mistake with which you have to suffer for the rest of your life?
Whoa, hold it there. Not every man can be Tom Cruise and not every woman can be Katie Holmes.
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Dude is a bitch with a ego. He knows what he is doing, he only wants to stick his p in your vagee. Why would you even think about having a relationship with a guy who apparently thinks it is perfectly ok to cheat on his fiance whom he is supposed to be marrying in a couple of months?
To the guy who "stole" his girl, what happens if someone "steals" her from you? If you are married or even just mutually exclusively dating you are making a commitment to that person. To tell that person you are the one but then look for someone better behind their back is fucked up. If things are going that badly between you and your partner, that you are interested in other ppl fucking man up and tell them you need to seperate, you don't have to go and cheat behind ppl's backs. Unless your girls ex was physically abusing her she apparently was already looking for an out before you met her and she just didn't have the means to do it on her own. What is to say she isn't sick of your shit right now and just looking for the next or better man to leech off of?
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On October 03 2012 05:06 xedric wrote:
I've been on TL for years but never care to post anything but since this touched me in a way I'd like to add my thought.
I "stole" my girl from her 13 year marriage, 16 year relationship and we've been going strong for 8 years now. Looking forward to the next 20. You never know who you may meet regardless of your status. There is always someone better for you out there and if you find them then why not give it the chance? If you don't you are just settling for something less that you know won't achieve the happiness you want for your life. You only live once. Enjoy whatever life gives you and whether it works out or not you still have those memories.
I'm confused. Why are you with your girl now? Clearly there is always someone better for you so why are you settling with her. It sounds like you won't achieve the happiness you want for your life with this girl. You should go look for someone better and when you find them keep looking for someone better. Good luck achieving the happiness you want for your life with this method. It sounds full-proof.
On October 03 2012 13:41 Shady Sands wrote:
Actually if you try and automatically believe that getting married = blinders on every single other girl out there, then your married life will be hellish
I firmly believe two things are necessary for a happy marriage
1) a good pre-nup that clearly delineates who gets what in a divorce
2) a renewal clause in the marriage that requires both parties to actively renew the marriage every four, five, or six years
so many marriages die because one party or another just believes it can skate on by now that it's locked up both sides to an eternal contract. people make mistakes all the time. why make marriage the one mistake with which you have to suffer for the rest of your life?
Marriage is simply a partnership. A good marriage is a kind of partnership where two people trust each other with their lives. If you trust someone with your life, then material things kind of don't matter. I'm of the belief that if you don't trust your spouse with you life then you should not get married. And yes marriages should be "renewed" but not every 4 or 5 years but constantly. If you only worry about your marriage every 4 or 5 years I guarantee you the marriage will end long before that.
Getting back to the OP, the guy is a creep and he used you. Just be glad that you're not the one who has to marry him and that he's not sneaking behind your back.
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I don't understand why everyone is backing up the OP. "He's a creep, he used you, he's trash, blah blah blah". You knew full well ahead of time that he was engaged and you decided to have dinner with him. You're fully capable of stopping the date at any time, but instead you wanted to see where things would lead. You're both equally to blame, and both equally at fault. If he's considered trash, so are you. Stop crying and make some real changes or you're never going to find a healthy relationship with someone.
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Never said I was looking for someone better but if someone came along then why would you throw that away?
Do you think its okay to stay with someone who makes you unhappy? You realize that if you are unhappy then they are too just by the way you will treat them because you are not happy.
It's silly to think you can meet the best person for you so easily. There are over 7B people in this world.
Small problems can be fixed in a marriage with compromise. Large problems usually relate to your individual personalities and these cannot be changed. Recognize them so that you know when to bail. Why waste the time for both of you for something that will turn bad later?
[B]
To the guy who "stole" his girl, what happens if someone "steals" her from you? If you are married or even just mutually exclusively dating you are making a commitment to that person. To tell that person you are the one but then look for someone better behind their back is fucked up. If things are going that badly between you and your partner, that you are interested in other ppl fucking man up and tell them you need to seperate, you don't have to go and cheat behind ppl's backs. Unless your girls ex was physically abusing her she apparently was already looking for an out before you met her and she just didn't have the means to do it on her own. What is to say she isn't sick of your shit right now and just looking for the next or better man to leech off of?
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On October 04 2012 08:52 xedric wrote:Never said I was looking for someone better but if someone came along then why would you throw that away? Do you think its okay to stay with someone who makes you unhappy? You realize that if you are unhappy then they are too just by the way you will treat them because you are not happy. It's silly to think you can meet the best person for you so easily. There are over 7B people in this world. Small problems can be fixed in a marriage with compromise. Large problems usually relate to your individual personalities and these cannot be changed. Recognize them so that you know when to bail. Why waste the time for both of you for something that will turn bad later? Show nested quote +[B]
To the guy who "stole" his girl, what happens if someone "steals" her from you? If you are married or even just mutually exclusively dating you are making a commitment to that person. To tell that person you are the one but then look for someone better behind their back is fucked up. If things are going that badly between you and your partner, that you are interested in other ppl fucking man up and tell them you need to seperate, you don't have to go and cheat behind ppl's backs. Unless your girls ex was physically abusing her she apparently was already looking for an out before you met her and she just didn't have the means to do it on her own. What is to say she isn't sick of your shit right now and just looking for the next or better man to leech off of?
I just don't understand how someone could get married without knowing about these huge problems related to personalities. I don't understand what the heck else would you even base a marriage on if not compatible personalities??? Really what it sounds like to me is a cop-out. An excuse that you use when you don't want to put in the work that it takes to make a relationship work:
"Eh my wife and me are just not compatible enough and besides I found somebody hotter better for me so really I'm doing this for the both of us"
I guess whatever makes you sleep better at night.
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Blog/comments definitely deliver. Strong work everyone.
All blogs of this nature should start with the ages of those involved.
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On October 04 2012 08:52 xedric wrote:Never said I was looking for someone better but if someone came along then why would you throw that away? Do you think its okay to stay with someone who makes you unhappy? You realize that if you are unhappy then they are too just by the way you will treat them because you are not happy. It's silly to think you can meet the best person for you so easily. There are over 7B people in this world. Small problems can be fixed in a marriage with compromise. Large problems usually relate to your individual personalities and these cannot be changed. Recognize them so that you know when to bail. Why waste the time for both of you for something that will turn bad later? Show nested quote +[B]
To the guy who "stole" his girl, what happens if someone "steals" her from you? If you are married or even just mutually exclusively dating you are making a commitment to that person. To tell that person you are the one but then look for someone better behind their back is fucked up. If things are going that badly between you and your partner, that you are interested in other ppl fucking man up and tell them you need to seperate, you don't have to go and cheat behind ppl's backs. Unless your girls ex was physically abusing her she apparently was already looking for an out before you met her and she just didn't have the means to do it on her own. What is to say she isn't sick of your shit right now and just looking for the next or better man to leech off of?
Because you made a commitment to the person you are with.
No, that is why I said man up and seperate if you're not happy, don't go looking for the next hunny pot to feed out of first. Don't say that she wasn't looking for it because if she wasn't she wouldn't have found you. I am in a happy relationship and I don't go around meeting women thinking I'd like to wife the fuck out of this chick.
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