EPTLong Distance
Yesterday I was talking to one of my friends little sisters. Just for reference, the friend is a girl who is 16 (junior in highschool) who is 1 year younger than me; her sister is about 13 and doesn't know me very well considering the age difference. She randomly chatted me on facebook telling me about this boy who she really liked, but moved away. Even though he moved away, she still wanted to be more than friends with him (awwww awkward 7th grade relationships are the most weird). This prompted me to have more than just a flood of emotions, but a flood of memories come back to me. So TL, let me tell you a story, in more depth than I told a 13 year old girl.
Young Love Hunting
It all started about 4 years ago. I have never been the boy with all the looks, muscles, and height to straight up woo girls without some talking. In fact i've never been the most handsom man to walk the face of the earth. Though I'm not an ugly guy, I could definitely do with about 4 more inches, considering I'm about 5'5". Though I'm not done growing, which is kind of weird for a kid that is my age, 17, I have never had issues being a people person. Though usually introverted in my awkward tween stage, I blossomed into the same gregarious kid I was before I thought about social norms. It seemed all too normal for myself, a video game loving, internet browsing, short, and nerdy kid to be quiet and reserved. Though I didn't exactly have the best time of it, I made it through those awkward years with more than a couple scratches on my ego. I was actually quite dismal during those times for a myriad of reasons, none of which are germain to this particular topic.
Fast forward to sophomore year in highschool. I had attended a Model United Nations (from now on we call this MUN in this essay for ease) for the last year, and became somewhat of a figure. I was the youngest, albeit the fucking worst (there is a story behind that one too if anyone is interested in that one too), Chair of a UN committee. I somehow, in the middle of Freshman year of highschool (1st year of highschool out of 4) got pushed into a grinding circle by a drunk kid at one of these dances and met a really nice asian girl who grinded with me and pusehd my, I hesitate to call this popularity since it really isn't, popularity much higher. Basically I went from a guy who was denied a dance from a girl, that in the future I became close friends with (there is another story there too
), to a guy that lucked into grinding with one of the most popular girls at the MUN convention. This is a pretty drastic thing, and I'm sure I let it get to my head.![[image loading]](http://i.qkme.me/364v0d.jpg)
Don't hate me TL, I was even stupider then than I am now
After becoming one of the worst chairs ever, I became kind of notable that I was a MUN chair so young. it kind of pushed my "popularity" forward, so much so that I'm sure it went to my head, but my confidence in myself became much higher. Its a cliche to say it in such a way, but I thought I was in the spotlight a lot more than I was, but I would be lying if I didn't say that a lot of people knew who I was. I came to know some people really closely, one of which is a guy that we will call CRW. Now CRW and I are still good friends, but he plays an intricate role in this story.
Back to the MUN stuff, at this dance I was with CRW and the girl mentioned earlier, and I was of course grinding with her - also I got boob smacked by this one chick while I was there, I was in front of her and she turned really fast and her boob smacked me in the face - and it had been just a dismal year so I had to get out of there, I just had to get some air. That is when I met the girl who would become my first GF. She was introduced to me by a friend of CRW, this friend we will call M, and the girl we will call S. Now S is a shy girl, very white, and on the outside she seemed kind of the reserved bubbly type. I asked her to dance with me and M, who was very drunk at the time, nudged her to do it. I slow danced with her and I got to learn about who she was, and we just kind of hit it off. She obviously had liked me for a little bit, but was too reserved to say anything about it.
There were other girls in my life at this point, not the least quiet at this point was a girl who lived in Winnipeg, Canada. A bit random, yeah I know, but this girl had liked me for quite a while. She and I had been flirting for a little bit, and this was no secret to my group. Being the stupid 16/15 year olds that we were we would have this ritualistic kind of facebook chat; this chat consisted of us saying the word fuck to each other for about 30 min. Yeah it sounds really stupid, and it was I would never deny that, but it was kind heartwarming to think that a girl actually liked me. I had gone on a strike out streak of about 2 girls at this point, a lot for me at the time. This girl we will call R, because R comes before S in the english alphabet.
![[image loading]](http://blog.hubspot.com/Portals/249/images/boring-marketing-content.jpg)
I promise it gets better
One day, R came out to me. She told me she loved me. This would be all fine and good had she not dropped a bomb on me. She told me that she wanted to date my best friend first. She said that she loved me, but she really wanted to date my best friend. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. In truth I was ok with that. I said that I would date S first - in truth I was an idiot about this, I told S that we could only date for a couple months, something that I immidiately recanted when I realized how dumb it sounded - and this made R furious. R was a bitch plain and simple. She would harrass me, verbally abuse me over facebook, and if I were to reveal the contents of her messages she gave me the threat of making all of our group hate me. Now this was more of a threat than a promise considering she really couldn't do that, but I was afraid that she damn near could since every dude in the group wanted to get with her.
I spent about 2 weeks killing myself about this. I couldn't tell which girl to pick, this was slightly before the harrassment began, and to me it seemed like I had the choice of two long distance girls with very different personalities. They were in fact so different that I could not compare their merits. To be very brief about it, R was fiesty, she was that girl that hadn't been with a guy since one broke her heart and she was very willing to prove herself as a sexual goddess. Seriously, I wouldn't have put it past her to have blown me on some random trip we both went on, a Jewish convention for teens. On the other hand, S was prettier, she wasn't that girl that was seductive, flaunting cleavage and ass everwhere (partially because she was a B cup and a white girl with no butt), but she had that kind of really cute girly side that made you want to cuddle rather than fuck. I'm embellishing a bit here, but not by much considering how things played out.
The two main things that separated the two girls were the friend groups that surrounded them. On the one hand, girl R was in a friend group with my Jewish friends, one of them is one of the closest friends I've ever had, and some of them betrayed my trust. S was in a friend group of a guy who became one of my closest friends, and a girl that came to hate my fucking guts and another girl who CRW dated behind M's back. In truth, girl R's group was made up 3 guys who wanted to get with the same girl, and another guy and girl pair that should have, but never got together. In the same vein, girl S's group was CRW dating 2 different girls close together in time and S and I.
![[image loading]](http://us9.memecdn.com/shit-just-got-real_o_484696.jpg)
Well maybe not that bad, but still pretty bad
I chose S after getting harrassed by R. Not exactly a hard choice. R wanted to hear me say that I just couldn't bear to be with anyone but her, but that wasn't going to happen. I began to skype S more and more, and eventually it became clear that we should "go out" or whatever that means long distance wise. Everything went swimmingly enough, I got harrassed by R whenever she pleased and S and I were never very serious, but we were BF and GF. I went through my ups and downs, but this only lasted a month or so of "true" dating.
This epoch culminated in S being my first kiss, with us making out in front of the lake behind my school. We went to go see the school lacrosse game. She was a year older than me, and she hadn't had her first kiss either. We were both terrible. Thats the only way I could put it, I was so, so bad and so was she. This also culminated in a guy in our group who - though my best friend at the time, he had always been a guy who put girls before any guys, girls were his first priority at all times - betrayed me, by telling R something I said about her because she was being an enormous bitch to me, setting her off on my case. By setting her off, I mean guns a-fucking-blaze. She had set off my last straw at this point and I was wiling to blow her the fuck up even if it meant burning some bridges.
All good things came to an end though. One day S stopped talking to me, she didn't text me. She didn't talk to me. She dropped off the face of the earth. I couldn't understand what was happening. I thought that I had driven her away by being a bad BF. How the fuck could I have done something as stupid as that. The first girl to be with me, I drove away, how the fuck did I manage that. That's what ran through my head. I killed myself over it, I couldn't stand it. I must have fucked up. I had then all at once had it with girl R and let her secrets out. The best friend she wanted to date before me became angry at her, the entire group saw her for what she was.
![[image loading]](http://couldhavetakenitsolo.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/shit-just-got-real.jpg)
Yeah things can change quickly
All at once, I was alone again. No girl to pursue me, no girl to love me, no girl to see me for the guy I thought I was. I felt so angry with myself, I hated myself, I thought, I knew, it had to have been me. I was fucking done with girl R, she could eat shit and die in my own opinion. She had made my life so hard, insulting everythign about me, in the hopes that I would declare my undying love for her. She could go fuck herself, and to some extent thats what happened. As much as she made my life hell, letting out all the secrets killed her in the friend group. As for girl S, I eventually found out that it wasn't my fault, she was moving and couldn't bear to
Eventually I got over what had happened. I was scarred. I got over S, I got over R. Yesterday, though, when this little girl who was only 3 years younger than I had been when I made that mistake, it brought back all of that shit. All that baggage. I leave this to you TL, not because I hope you love what I went through, but to get something like solace from that mistake that I made. Never date long distance if you don't at least start out in the same place at least. The girl might just walk out on you, not even a text breakup as shitty as those are. TL there is nothing that has ever hurt more than that.
I have an amazing GF now, but I can't help but think that I will always carry a scar from that time in my life. Not to be mellodramatic about it, just speaking my heart out.
