EPTI'm wondering where to start.. I'm not sure so I'll talk about what happened recently. Well, recently as part of my usual cycle of depression and re-motivation, I was gaining a lot of confidence in life. Small efforts, you know? Some factors of my appearance, started my guitar again and attended college basketball sessions. Started the college year and along with all of this, I grew my own confidence and started to view myself as an individual that can achieve things. My mum thought I was really changing for the good and told me she was excited to see it. This means about as much as anything, since she's the only person I really spend time with.
I've got one friend who lives around here, who I used to see quite regularly. Well, during this time I added one of his friends on facebook, a girl I saw when I stayed around his with other people he invited. Basically, we talked a bit and it was really nice and I ended up just asking her out since she lives near. She was having a hard time with some issues herself so I just did my best to make her feel better and do everything I could for her.
For a couple of weeks, I saw her by herself or with our friend, and friends they share. I felt like I was inside a part of life that was changing for me, I've always craved the interpersonal relationships I've lacked, essentially as a result of my inherent problems dealing with people, as a sympton of my Autistic spectrum diagnosis. Naturally, I got caught up, anticipating a new start to the formation of my teenage years.
Keeping it as simple as possible, my friend and my girlfriend went over to their friends house for an occasion. Basically, I missed out on something that was expected of me that wasn't directly explained to me at all. It involved the girl so needless to say, she was also responsible for this. going into detail would be unnecessary for the purposes of this blog, but perhaps if I didn't have an AS condition this wouldn't have happened. Regardless, the next day, I began to discover this as my now-ex said we were both banned from visiting them again and one of her/my friend's friends was posting on facebook, raging and attacking my girlfriend over it on a status.
During my time there, I'd been treated what seemed very strangely (eccentrically could be used to describe it, and rudely more accurately so) and naturally I didn't express myself properly due to anxiety, so when I saw all this negative stuff that was getting her down, I responded myself, defensively. They said disgusting, horrible things about me which I responded to without saying similar things myself, but still unable to hide the emotion in my posts. It's worth saying here that as you can perhaps tell, I'm a person who is generally quite worrying, anxious and emotional so I had to be exceptionally open and trusting with my new girlfriend.
She dumped me, after I argued with them. The "friends", as I suppose I have to call them here, also threatened to get the police involved so my ex's dad also said she was forbidden to see me, meaning she couldn't be my friend because there was "nothing she could do" about that. Needless to say, no police have pursued anything, as my actions have been entirely reasonable throughout these events... my original friend says that he's still my friend, but obviously he's close friends with all of them and I don't feel any less alone. It feels extremely conflicting and hurtful, to be abandoned as a friend like this, by someone you cared about, for people who treated you as less than a human.
During my stay there, I also added on facebook one of my friend's ex's who suffers from depression and was very hurt by him. He's a "player" I guess you could say. I haven't had much interaction with them but I've just been trying to help them as best as I can, from my own experience. One of the only things that makes me feel better is if I can try to help someone else, at least a little bit.
Well, today I saw a drama on her page and included on the comments there was her "friend" who had aggressively attacked people on there already. By now, I fully understand that she's just... a legitimate bitch. The kind of person I find it very hard to suppress hateful urges towards. No wonder my sincere apology I wanted to address to the person who's house I visited never reached them, as I had to send it through this "friend." I simply posted on this status saying that engaging in fighting like that online more often than not leads to problems as I learnt myself.
She responded to me with the threats, venom and characteristically terrible spelling and grammar. This time, I decided that I'd just be incredibly nice and civil when responding and not engage in any insults or arguing at all. Being pacifistic in general, in place of standing up for myself, even though it's bad for my in-person social confidence in general, in order to avoid any more loss of good feeling between people. She continued with her whole "il say what ever i fuckin want nobody cares what u think fuck off cunt" style however. I tried to continue being nice to see if I could change some of that hatred, when I found that I could no longer post. I was now also removed as a friend from the person who's status it was, who I've been trying to help the last couple of days. I guess the "bitch", as I may as well call her now, told her to remove me. Depressing that not only does she have friends, but she took from me one of the only friends I've had.
After getting all this down, it seems to have really helped me to view the situation objectively to the point that I can't even remember how to explain what was the original purpose of this blog. I'll try to sum it up here.
It feels like every time I try to grow in some way, something cuts an even larger part of me off, and strikes me back down. I'm just so scared. Getting to the core of the issue right now, what's really got me so stressed out is that after this has happened... how I seemed to lose so much for standing up for myself and then got punished again even when taking a more conscious, anxiety liable mind set, I don't see how I'll be able to find the confidence again. This feels way too damaging. I can't shake the feeling that it's introduced new anxiety to my core that's shocked me back to inside of myself. Nothing I can do feels right, it seems that whatever I say will go wrong again...
There was one person who was friendly to me at college a bit and I spoke too. She was a girl, and though I talked to her more during my confident period, before this happened again, seemingly resetting all of the work I put into myself, she told me directly that she's too busy for a bf, and so now I don't know how else to be any better of friends with her. She won't live that near as I go to a college a fair way away and I have no hopes at all now that talking to people and feeling okay and making any friends will be so much more difficult again.
Idk, this stuff is just one of the things that's been going through my mind and getting me a little stressed out again recently.
Thanks for reading, if anyone will ever actually read it this far. Have an amazing day.
I didnt know it could help so much just to get even a fraction of it written down but I do think now maybe I can make some friends one day.
. I've had stories myself with the same ending, sucks 
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