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Blogs > EnE
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EnE
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
417 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 22:13:27
August 02 2012 22:08 GMT
#1
I've stood on the edge and I've held the knife. I'm broken. I probabl on't even deserve to be called a human being. If I'm too pathetic to be happy with myself and I'm too pathetic for anyome else to want me, how can I find the strength? I don't have it. I'm only stilk here because I'm more terrified than anythimg of loneliness. I can't die alone. The second greatest thing to sharing a life with someone has to be sharing a death. I never thought I'd understand dylan and eric. People are fake... The knife is my only true friend who can never lie or betray or leave me. I hurt the most beautiful thing I've known and every second I live is a manifestation of fear. Please die with me

Please dfont remove thos.... Oi need someone to read it

*
I'm embarrased by my past actions and even more ashamed of my present thoughts and future endeavors to clear my name.
Elsid
Profile Joined September 2010
Ireland318 Posts
August 02 2012 22:15 GMT
#2
Chill you're very young , there's so much to experience yet.
Cokefreak
Profile Joined June 2011
Finland8095 Posts
August 02 2012 22:16 GMT
#3
I read it, don't do anything stupid, life is worth much more than a hasty decision. A knife can never offer anything better.
EnE
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
417 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 22:22:17
August 02 2012 22:19 GMT
#4
I don't want to experience more... I can't

"The funeral procession passed by here today, confusion and questions strewn in its wake. But I feel like I knew his pain;A mechanical failure while enduring the norm. Some of us fracture, others simply deform and lose their elasticity. Never to return to the shape they were; I wonder which is worse."
I'm embarrased by my past actions and even more ashamed of my present thoughts and future endeavors to clear my name.
GMarshal
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States22154 Posts
August 02 2012 22:20 GMT
#5
Assuming you're in the US, 1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call them.
Moderator
Elsid
Profile Joined September 2010
Ireland318 Posts
August 02 2012 22:23 GMT
#6
On August 03 2012 07:19 EnE wrote:
I don't want to experience more... I can't

"The funeral procession passed by here today, confusion and questions strewn in its wake. But I feel like I knew his pain;A mechanical failure while enduring the norm. Some of us fracture, others simply deform and lose their elasticity. Never to return to the shape they were; I wonder which is worse."



You can man you just have to , it's all that's constant , experience.

It's hard yes of course it's hard at times, but we are forged by our struggles, we become who we are because we fall and learn to pick ourselves back up. Don't give up.
EnE
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
417 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 22:27:11
August 02 2012 22:24 GMT
#7
I'm abroad on italy with my mobile, marshall



I'm scared of who ill be if I do ever recover... I feel like my entire heart is here and if I leave it I won't be anything anymore. Maybe ill be fixed. Maybe ill be a human
I'm embarrased by my past actions and even more ashamed of my present thoughts and future endeavors to clear my name.
Cokefreak
Profile Joined June 2011
Finland8095 Posts
August 02 2012 22:24 GMT
#8
On August 03 2012 07:24 EnE wrote:
I'm abroad on italy with my mobile, marshall

Then man the up please. Suicide is a cowards way of dealing with problems.
Probe1
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States17920 Posts
August 02 2012 22:30 GMT
#9
Exercise, eat some chocolate and go home to see the doctor. You're just having a bad time don't blow up over it.
우정호 KT_VIOLET 1988 - 2012 While we are postponing, life speeds by
EnE
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
417 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 22:34:23
August 02 2012 22:32 GMT
#10
And the one I loved... I clutched onto in a desperate attempt to live like I need to says she still loves me but she just leaves. She doesn't really want to talk to me. Noone does. I don't have a real friend and I don't think one exists that's still alive on this fucking planet.


I'm a vegan. I can't eat milk chocolate
I'm embarrased by my past actions and even more ashamed of my present thoughts and future endeavors to clear my name.
imre
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
France9263 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 22:33:00
August 02 2012 22:32 GMT
#11
On August 03 2012 07:24 EnE wrote:
I'm abroad on italy with my mobile, marshall



I'm scared of who ill be if I do ever recover... I feel like my entire heart is here and if I leave it I won't be anything anymore. Maybe ill be fixed. Maybe ill be a human


Life's just a fucking giant rollercoaster, and you always bounce back to the top. It might take some time, some help but it happens. And it's worth it. (this is coming from someone really low on the rollercoaster thingy atm...)
Zest fanboy.
Mattson
Profile Blog Joined April 2012
Canada188 Posts
August 02 2012 22:34 GMT
#12
You're going to have to come to terms that you're born alone and you die alone. It's an inescapable truth.

That doesn't mean the interim can be fun.

Also realize that this universe has been around for 13.7 billion years.

13,700,000,000

You've only been alive for 15 of them. Death is nothing to be afraid of... you've already been dead for a hell of a long time. Why would you want to go back there so soon?
Cynicism isn't wisdom; it's a lazy way to say that you've been burned. Seems if anything you'd be less certain after everything you ever learned.
Mattson
Profile Blog Joined April 2012
Canada188 Posts
August 02 2012 22:37 GMT
#13
On August 03 2012 07:32 EnE wrote:
And the one I loved... I clutched onto in a desperate attempt to live like I need to says she still loves me but she just leaves. She doesn't really want to talk to me. Noone does. I don't have a real friend and I don't think one exists that's still alive on this fucking planet.


I'm a vegan. I can't eat milk chocolate


You sure as hell can eat milk chocolate you just choose not to.

YOU'RE the one hurting your own cause by imposing silly rules on yourself. Go eat a Big Mac ASAP.
Cynicism isn't wisdom; it's a lazy way to say that you've been burned. Seems if anything you'd be less certain after everything you ever learned.
StateofReverie
Profile Blog Joined July 2012
United States633 Posts
August 02 2012 22:39 GMT
#14
please dont kill yourself..
EnE
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
417 Posts
August 02 2012 22:41 GMT
#15
On August 03 2012 07:39 StateofReverie wrote:
please dont kill yourself..


I do appreciate this... I do
I'm embarrased by my past actions and even more ashamed of my present thoughts and future endeavors to clear my name.
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 22:44:56
August 02 2012 22:44 GMT
#16
If you are drinking or taking recreational drugs of some sort, get off of them.

Clear your head for a few days. You're clearly at a high point of emotional feeling right now.

I know you want attention and validation, but this is such a cruel way to do it. I think you pin too much value on the opinions of others that you have no time to actually improve yourself and become who you want to be. If you want attention so badly, you should do it through learning skills that other appreciate, rather than by threatening suicide to strangers on the internet.
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
EtherealDeath
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States8366 Posts
August 02 2012 22:46 GMT
#17
You need to have more faith in your own abilities to surmount any obstacles that you see right now, even if you don't see how it could be possible.

Don't trust in a bloody knife, it's not trustworthy at all. Trust yourself. Knife will make it so your abilities don't have any more chances to show themselves. You never know how long it will take or what path you'll end up on.

Look at a recent blog about Gene Hackman: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=357591
The guy's a multiple Academy Award winner with many other accolades, yet he literally didn't get anything done until he was in his 40s. If he had died then, at the age of 40, no one would have remembered him. He would have been a nobody, a failed actor. Now look what he is. Why would you end it for yourself right now?

So put away your knife and keep going on. Seek counseling, so you'll have some help along the way, and point yourself along some road, any road that seems to have a light in the distance, and start walking.
HawaiianPig
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
Canada5155 Posts
August 02 2012 22:52 GMT
#18
Well it looks like we're all on the train of giving advice, that's because we've all been where you are to some degree.

I'll offer some up, for the simple purpose of giving you something to read in this time. Something to help you relate to another person.

From what I can tell, you say you're feeling very alone right now. It sounds like there was someone you cared about that you've lost.

Well bro, this is your first lesson in independence.

Happiness, stability, and enjoyment of life begins within yourself. It does not exist in another person. You have to learn to live with yourself before you can live with others.

This is why a lot of the advice you'll see in this thread encourages you to exercise, or find a hobby, or "stick it out".

Enjoy yourself, and you won't have to worry about, as you put it, "leaving your heart here"... because it'll always be with you.

This morose talk of life and death is something you'll look back and call an "existential crisis" when you're more lucid and learned.

This is all very natural.

The key thing to keep reminding yourself is that you'll bounce back. It's what people do. That's what it means to be "a human being." Even if you don't feel fit to call yourself one right now, trust me, you are. The feelings you have right now could not be more human.
AdministratorNot actually Hawaiian.
EnE
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
417 Posts
August 02 2012 22:57 GMT
#19
I've received some truly inspiring messages from some truly incredible people, thank you all so much from tjhe absolute bottom of my heart. I wish I was better equiped to give all of this the input it deserbes. I am blown away. I never expected a reaction anything like thisl
I'm embarrased by my past actions and even more ashamed of my present thoughts and future endeavors to clear my name.
asseT
Profile Joined June 2010
United Kingdom31 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-02 23:05:57
August 02 2012 23:04 GMT
#20
Sometimes I just find listening to music to make me feel better and realize that what acts that may travel through my head aren't worth it, this song is a very good one please listen to it carefully hopefully it will help you realize this action you may commit is truly not one worth the deed for whatever its cause may be but that's just life's rollacoster please don't do the silly thing, think of the people that truly love you and care about your everyday life.



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