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United States13896 Posts
I really wish such a saying didn't take on such a mundane, boring, and depressing vibe in the English language. Its so pointless to lament over a horrible day by saying "Its just one of those days." The acceptance of having a shitty experience and not expressing your desire to change the course of those 24 hours and make them something that is actually worth reflecting on.
It seems so much more power to use it when you truly feel like its a day to take note of. To mark in the annuls of your mind and never forget. This is one of those days.
One of those days where you can't help but pause and reflect on life, what it has in store for you in the future. What it will be like to grow old. One of those days when you are forced to stare the eventual inevitability of death right in the eyes.
So yeah, today is one of those days. I can't really get this shit out of my head so here it is.
87 years ago my grandmother was born, and today we celebrated. My family gathered, we met up with my aunt and uncle, we ate, we enjoyed each others company.
She sat quietly through dinner, her hearing is not great, and over the din of a busy restaurant a hearing aid is useless for focusing on the voice of one person across a large table. She can't follow conversations very well so she remains silent and just enjoys being around family and giggles when we lean closer to her ear to joke and explain something she couldn't make out.
Shortly after my grandfather passed almost 6 years ago we saw her mind fading. I don't know if he was that she didn't have that driving focus in her life anymore, to care for someone, to make sure she had things in order, or if it was that we didn't see the signs earlier. After a few years she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and moved in with my Aunt, and then eventually with my family. She remains in the early stages and can recall most things that are old memories, but the new ones run off like a fish broken of the line before her mind can store them.
So as not to feel foolish she doesn't try to force herself into conversations she won't understand in 15 minutes time. She just enjoys having her daughters, son-in-laws, and grandchild with her. We all enjoy it.
To cap off her birthday the plan was to see her sister in the hospital, spend some time with her and enjoy a birthday cake with her even though she couldn't come to dinner with us. My great aunt has been living on her own a good 20 years now or so, nearly as long as I've been alive. She's been in and out of the hospital more times than I can count, and each time emerged more or less still as strong and stubborn in spirit than ever, and all things considered in good physical condition. Always vocal and never shying away from telling her doctor that he/she was full of it and she would be fine.
So when I was told we would visit her I didn't think much of it. Par for the course for a woman of her age, she's always been out on her feet soon enough, and none of my relatives seemed concerned. The second we walked into her room it was clear that this time wouldn't be so easy.
Pushing my grandma in her wheelchair into the room. Seeing her sister in such a state. No sooner had we removed the plastic from the top of the cake than she was asking for the pan and vomiting. She asks for the nurse and we leave the room as the orderlies help clean the vomit off of her and change her gown.
We pause in the hallway for a moment, not sure how to spend our time and thinking about my great aunt. My grandmother in the wheelchair directly in front of me biting her nails. I can't help but compare the din of the restaurant to the eerie silence we find ourselves engulfed in, only broken by the faint sound of Jeopardy playing on the television a few rooms down. And I can't help but wonder what it's like to be in my grandmothers shoes.
87 years old, celebrating your birthday and here she is visiting her only remaining sibling in the hospital, her health failing her at least for the moment. We roll up and down the hallway, looking at old photographs of the city. Pictures older than my grandmother and of things long since past. A world gone by.
We stay a bit longer, say goodbye, and return home. Silence. And all I can do is think. So many questions. What will my future be like? How many people will go before me? I know for a fact my grandmother will not remember this incident come morning. Is that a blessing or a curse? Such a bitter memory put on the end of what was previously such a sweet day. Words aren't sufficient and I don't know how we can adequately explain her sister's health without really upsetting her.
So many things I'm not sure of even now after writing.
One of those days.
 
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My grandmother died today. One of those days. That's life. Dying is a part of living. The sayings don't encompass the subjective emotion, yet remain wholly true.
Sometimes it feels like living is futile, but this life is all we have. Don't think about the expiration date, just keep on truckin'.
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in the end man, u just gotta sk8
User was temp banned for this post.
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*EDIT*
I wanted to change my post. Cherish the moments you have with your relatives and show them that you are there to support them every step of the way. I'm sure your grand relatives will appreciate your support.
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You're thinking about it wrong, 87 years is a wonderfully long time to live. Death is as natural to life as eating or drinking. Accept it as an inevitability, find religion spirituality or just overall happiness that at least you have some time, and instead of thinking negatively on this day, realize you have plenty of time left and use it well.
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Rough stuff but also good stuff. One of those days indeed.
Would she remember if you told her the state of her sisters health? If not then I don't see a reason to upset her, if she would then I suppose she should know about her sister. It is indeed a tough call and Im not sure how I would make it were i in the same situation myself.
My grandmother is in her 90s but she has all her faculties although she admits she sleeps about 2/3rds of the day and may have to soon have someone write her letters for her as her hands are barely able to anymore.
Hmmm this blog makes me think about a lot of things, as Im sure you are also doing.
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United States13896 Posts
On February 17 2012 13:50 `Zapdos wrote:
You're thinking about it wrong, 87 years is a wonderfully long time to live. Death is as natural to life as eating or drinking. Accept it as an inevitability, find religion spirituality or just overall happiness that at least you have some time, and instead of thinking negatively on this day, realize you have plenty of time left and use it well.
I didn't mean to come off sounding negative, merely just reflecting. That was the point of the first part of the blog. Its a moment I'll remember, not a moment I rue or hate. Its an inevitability of life and not something I'm loathing experiencing, just experiencing and trying to understand.
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as someone who suffers from severe hearing loss i can attest to the fact that hearing aids are the most useless things ever invented when attempting to talk to someone with a crowd around :/ they even mess up the pitches i hear (musician/love music)
the remainder of what i was going to say was already covered: that is that you seem to be a bit too negative about everything...guilty of that myself lol
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On February 17 2012 13:37 Roe wrote:
in the end man, u just gotta sk8
User was temp banned for this post.
i'm sorry but imo this is good advice. yes a little crass but i'm sure that p4ndemik is not one to take it so seriously. In the end we all must go on with our own lives, for our lives are the ones that are alive.
Best wishes p4ndemik. Hopefully you have a better tomorrow.
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Sweden1345 Posts
A very well written blog, I enjoyed it. I don't think you come across as negative at all, I can relate to need to "brood" (for lack of a better word). It's not negatively inclined, but rather...neutrally inclined, trying to view more of life than what's wight then and there.
I think it's healthy the same way I think it's healthy to stop once a day and realize how good your life really is. Sure, some things could be better, they always can, but on the whole you've got to find happiness in what you got.
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Aotearoa39261 Posts
Heh, I think about this stuff way too often as my Dad is really old, infact he turned 80 in January. (For reference, my Mum is 50 in May and I am 22). I wonder about what his inevitable decline will be like, and when that will start to be apparent. Although he is going really strong at the moment, aside from his weight, which is good. But who knows how long it will last.
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EPT
