|
Let's see how terrible this attempt is. It's been a very long while since I've tried to write. All criticism gladly accepted.
----------
1
Approaching the horrific scene, Derelict ground his intuition into a pulp. Sodding cunts. Leaving a mess like this. What utter cocksuckers.
“Wait”.
Refusing to leave himself a mess of stylized innuendo, Derek Licht bounced the truth of the gruesome scene off his paradoxically sunny retinas into the transcendentally close stars where hopefully the shining and beautiful and clear, clear big dipper would help straighten out the nebulous situation. He laughed at the excess of this thought, despite how commonly he looked at the seemingly everpresent stars. Stars and fate had something to do with each other, right? At this point, he'd settle for polaris coming out of the clouds. God knows we need the illumination.
"Heh,” Licht laughed. Of course the stars were clear in a high altitude ski-town like this. If only that clarity could seep just a bit.. a bit below. Perhaps into that very, very earthly atrocity in front of him.
“What the fuck I am looking at?” Licht asked with a growl. The body was torn in three parts.
“A middle, a front, and a tail. It doesn't get more simple than this,” Sandy explained happily.
“Fascinating.” Licht replicated the obnoxious grin on Sandy's face sardonically. “Incidentally, I don't much care for your bullshit right now.” Sandy laughed and grinned almost lecherously.
-----
We once played baseball on this field.
-----
Licht walked carefully. He stopped. His forehead met his hands with the delicacy of a master chef completing the final touch on an appetizer.
“Utterly baffling,” This was the claim. It was spurious.
Sandy objected. “We've seen this before Derek! The body is cut in three just like before!”
The last case. Not an incredibly uplifting affair. The head and torso had been found in a guitar case. Apparently it had been some kind of Desparado shit. Except instead of guns, it had been...
“Nothing like the last case, Sandy”.
“But the body was cut into three distinct parts” Sandy inquired with a murderous mind honed for the scientific kill.
“Distinct?” Licht looked at his friend. Sandy glared at him with the zeal of an overachiever. Licht was never an overachiever. He always achieved either exactly what was required of him, or nothing at all.
“We have a head. We have a torso!” Sandy made clear.
'What else could you ask for?' Licht thought, gazing amongst the cloudy stars.
We have a head and a torso in a field for no fucking reason that anyone can figure. This is nothing like the last case. The guitar case. Licht chuckled as his head found his hands once more.
 
|
haha as a german speaker "Licht" as a name sounds really fishy
|
Damn! Wish I was a german speaker! I was so happy making derelict into Derek Licht. Perhaps he can be even more homeless in the future.
|
moktira
Ireland1545 Posts
I thought there was too much cursing/swearing, that's a matter of taste I guess, but I don't like in much in text, it doesn't read well, you don't get the venom like when you say it and if you over-use it I think it takes away even more. So I didn't like that.
Also I didn't like that, considering how angry Licht appears initially, how happy and playful him and Sandy are around a dismembered torso before going back to being grumpy, didn't think the laughs and grins were appropriate and took away from the seriousness of it. It always annoys me in things like CSI, for example, when characters are joking or flirting around a corpse they're investigating, I'm sure they get desensitised to it but still, the viewer (or reader in this case here) shouldn't, it takes away from the dark gritty atmosphere of it.
Don't take that too negatively though, that's just what struck me upon reading it. I wouldn't say it was bad or "terrible" as you put at the beginning, it's certainly got potential but it is a little short to judge properly.
|
That's a great point, and if you are looking at any kind of semi-realistic(+) murder story you need to make sure that your protagonists aren't tooo comfortable in it. Or if you do, it needs to be a more about the protagonists' and why they are numb to this sort of thing, less about the murder. I definitely fell in that trap in this sample, thank you for pointing it out.
|
paradoxically
transcendentally
hopefully
commonly
seemingly
happily
sardonically
incidentally
lecherously
carefully
'The road to hell is paved with adverbs' - Stephen King.
In all seriousness, be wary of overusing them.
|
Korea (South)1897 Posts
+1 for above,
but other it is good that you seem to have your own sense of writing style.
And at least that means you have potential to improve and be legit. ^^
|
Noun Verb Adverb. "Quote," Noun said Adverb.
that's basically my only gripe. try to describe situations without adverbs. for instance: "He said happily" could be "He replied with a laugh" or "grinned [character] or even "“A middle, a front, and a tail. Like an insect!,” Sandy explained. "That doesn't bug you does it?"
|
On February 02 2012 19:50 trias_e wrote:
Let's see how terrible this attempt is. It's been a very long while since I've tried to write. All criticism gladly accepted.
----------
1
Approaching the horrific scene, Derelict ground his intuition into a pulp. Sodding cunts. Leaving a mess like this. What utter cocksuckers.
“Wait”.
Refusing to leave himself a mess of stylized innuendo, Derek Licht bounced the truth of the gruesome scene off his paradoxically sunny retinas into the transcendentally close stars where hopefully the shining and beautiful and clear, clear big dipper would help straighten out the nebulous situation. He laughed at the excess of this thought, despite how commonly he looked at the seemingly everpresent stars. Stars and fate had something to do with each other, right? At this point, he'd settle for polaris coming out of the clouds. God knows we need the illumination.
"Heh,” Licht laughed. Of course the stars were clear in a high altitude ski-town like this. If only that clarity could seep just a bit.. a bit below. Perhaps into that very, very earthly atrocity in front of him.
I don't mind the vulgarity, it can be used to great effect to establish a certain feel.
The problem with this part is that you are trying to be too verbose. It doesn't feel natural, it feels forced. Even if it didn't feel forced, it stands in sharp contrast to the setting established by the opening line.
If I had to guess, I would say that part about the starts etc didn't come as natural as the first line. Writing isn't about exploding the page with as many comparisons as possible.
I would have expanded more on the gruesome scene or paint a more vivid picture by describing the surroundings. I feel that talk about stars doesn't work well when trying to establish a gruesome scene.
“What the fuck I am looking at?” Licht asked with a growl. The body was torn in three parts.
“A middle, a front, and a tail. It doesn't get more simple than this,” Sandy explained happily.
“Fascinating.” Licht replicated the obnoxious grin on Sandy's face sardonically. “Incidentally, I don't much care for your bullshit right now.” Sandy laughed and grinned almost lecherously.
I would go into more detail describing adverbs. Also, how can Sandy laugh AND grin? I just tried laughing and grinning at the same time. It's mighty awkward.
-----
We once played baseball on this field.
-----
Where did this come from?
Licht walked carefully. He stopped. His forehead met his hands with the delicacy of a master chef completing the final touch on an appetizer.
This line shows my main problems with the text.
Licht walked carefully. That kind of writing doesn't paint a picture. It forces me to paint the picture. Being more elaborate will give you:
1) More fluff, bigger texts, you control how much you want, no more struggle of trying to produce more.
2) More involving stories. I am reading a story, not reading parts of a story and forcing myself to conjure the other half.
3) You yourself become more involved in the story. You learn to understand it better.
He walks carefully, but what is carefully?
One foot in front of the other? Shuffeling?
The other problem is yet again, a strange comparison that might make sense (the comparison makes sense in that he is being as delicate as a chef) but is so odd that it breaks the atmosphere.
You made me think of a kitchen instead of a corpse sawn in 3 bits.
“Utterly baffling,” This was the claim. It was spurious.
Sandy objected. “We've seen this before Derek! The body is cut in three just like before!”
The last case. Not an incredibly uplifting affair. The head and torso had been found in a guitar case. Apparently it had been some kind of Desparado shit. Except instead of guns, it had been...
“Nothing like the last case, Sandy”.
“But the body was cut into three distinct parts” Sandy inquired with a murderous mind honed for the scientific kill.
“Distinct?” Licht looked at his friend. Sandy glared at him with the zeal of an overachiever. Licht was never an overachiever. He always achieved either exactly what was required of him, or nothing at all.
You can keep texts on pieces of action text by that characte. Nothing like the last case, Sandy could be added to the piece before. But that is just make-up. Just make sure to space when different characters speak or take actions, but you are doing that already so just keep it up.
I quote this part because of this line:
"Sandy glared at him with the zeal of an overachiever."
They say eyes are the window to the soul but I have never been subject to the glare of an overachiever. Again, you compound what can make for great description, into a small few words that, if we are honest, are impossible. Most people read over a rare few of these things, but if it occurs too often then the book fails to capivate most people. It doesn't draw them in. They aren't reading a story, they are making it up half the time, going off the clues you leave em.
You could write 500 words with just that line as the basis. If your goal is to point Sandy out an overachiever then there are more subtle ways then simply declaring that he has the eyes of one, if such a thing is even possible.
“We have a head. We have a torso!” Sandy made clear.
'What else could you ask for?' Licht thought, gazing amongst the cloudy stars.
We have a head and a torso in a field for no fucking reason that anyone can figure. This is nothing like the last case. The guitar case. Licht chuckled as his head found his hands once more.
More of the same criticism, but it feels pointless to repeat it.
Focus on describing things like "he walked carefully" or "Eyes of an overachiever." If you can turn those adverbs into exciting descriptions you enrich the story for the audience and yourself.
Then you start to tell a real story. At this point it feels like you are handing the audience hints as to how they should feel. You are hinting at a story, not telling one.
Try to write as verbose as feels naturally. Don't try and write shakespeare. Shakespeare wrote shakespeare.
We all have a unique voice, both in life and in writing. You too have a unique voice. Don't emulate. People can pick up on that sort of stuff real fast.
Work on your comparisons. Understand what you are trying to do with them. You used the chef comparison to give an example of precision but it felt out of tune with the setting of corpses ripped to pieces.
What is darker but also has precision? The precision with which a serial killer slits a persons throat? Darker, but it conveys the same message.
Now, this might seem overtly critical. I can't predict how you change if you were to adapt my advice. I haven't seen much of your descriptive ability yet.
But, having said that, I would like to read more if you tried to work some of the things I said into it.
A nice practice might be to write a 1000 words about a short event, something that happens in under a minute. Like a man going to hang up his coat. If you force yourself to write a 1000 words about a short event, you will realise just how usefull it is to be descriptive.
So I hope I wasn't being too negative and I hope to see another piece. Throw it up on this blog or PM it to me if you like.
|
Braavos36383 Posts
Wayyy too many adjectives and adverbs, the writing doesn't flow like a story because you're trying to over-describe everything. You really should selectively use descriptive words and phrases, plan and think and structure when you use them don't just throw them in front of every noun.
|
is Sandy a guy?
"What the fuck I am looking at?"
|
ohohoh another thing. Instead of mixing description with action, which gets confusing real quick, you should introduce something in one sentence, and describe in the next. or paragraph/paragraph. Careful balance between narration, dialogue, and description is the key.
Ezra Pound said:
Don't be descriptive; remember that the painter can describe a landscape much better than you can, and that he has to know a deal more about it.
When Shakespeare talks of the 'Dawn in russet mantle clad' he presents something which the painter does not present. There is in this line of his nothing that one can call description; he presents.
|
On February 02 2012 20:51 ohsea.toc wrote:
paradoxically
transcendentally
hopefully
commonly
seemingly
happily
sardonically
incidentally
lecherously
carefully
'The road to hell is paved with adverbs' - Stephen King.
In all seriousness, be wary of overusing them.
I agree with this.
When I read it the first time I wasn't quite sure why it didn't feel right, but after seeing this post, I am in complete agreement.
Also, flowery language can be fun, but don't undervalue being direct. Sometimes its best to just say what you want to say.
|
On February 02 2012 21:15 Hot_Bid wrote:
Wayyy too many adjectives and adverbs, the writing doesn't flow like a story because you're trying to over-describe everything. You really should selectively use descriptive words and phrases, plan and think and structure when you use them don't just throw them in front of every noun.
Agree with this. So, so much.
|
On February 02 2012 20:51 ohsea.toc wrote:
paradoxically
transcendentally
hopefully
commonly
seemingly
happily
sardonically
incidentally
lecherously
carefully
'The road to hell is paved with adverbs' - Stephen King.
In all seriousness, be wary of overusing them.
This.
Simpler is better. You don't need big words to write a big story.
If you look at a lot of bestseller authors' writing style it uses simple words and phrasing. It reaches a wider audience and allows for more clarity.
|
"Derelict ground his intuition", "sunny retinas", "ski-town", "with a murderous mind" what?
"the truth of the" sounds bad
"Heh,” Licht laughed."
"torn inTO three parts."
"I don't much care" <->
"Licht walked carefully. He stopped. His forehead met his hands" sounds very stiff to say the least.
"with the delicacy delicateness" Delicacy is something you eat. Delicateness is a careful way of doing things. (delicate =/= delicious); even with the correction, the sentence still sounds bad.
"Utterly baffling" - do people around you talk like that?
"[...] Sandy inquired" when you inquire, you're asking.
"Sandy made clear." clarified, if anything, but that still sounds terrible.
"gazing amongst the cloudy stars." what? Seriously?
If you want some brilliant advice on how to write well, read "Style - Lessons in Clarity and Grace" by Williams and complete all the exercises.
You can thank me later.
|
Hey trias_e, sent you a PM regarding your writing, you should check it out ^^
|
Other people have covered most stuff, but I'll add this.
"Heh,” Licht laughed. Of course the stars were clear in a high altitude ski-town like this. If only that clarity could seep just a bit.. a bit below. Perhaps into that very, very earthly atrocity in front of him.
“What the fuck I am looking at?” Licht asked with a growl. The body was torn in three parts.
“A middle, a front, and a tail. It doesn't get more simple than this,” Sandy explained happily.
“Fascinating.” Licht replicated the obnoxious grin on Sandy's face sardonically. “Incidentally, I don't much care for your bullshit right now.” Sandy laughed and grinned almost lecherously.
You have here Licht laughing, followed by a return to grumpy growling, then a character I wasn't even aware of pops up and they both start grinning. Sandy laughs, and grins a second time after it had already been established he was grinning.
Aside from the redundancy in the last paragraph there are too many emotions and signals bouncing around the whole story, especially in this little section. Compound this with what is apparently a crime scene and what you get this really bizarre atmosphere. Plus it feels off.
Oh, and I don't like characters grinning (or smiling) much in the first place, because it makes them look deranged.
Derelict ground his intuition into a pulp.
I think this is your main character with his original name. If it is, I don't know how one grinds one's intuition into a pulp.
“But the body was cut into three distinct parts” Sandy inquired
If he's inquiring I recommend a question mark, change the sentence slightly and because of the question mark remove the "inquired" from the end.
We once played baseball on this field.
I still have no idea how this really connects to the rest of the story. Their on a field, with a body, in a ski-town, where they have previously played baseball? If so, the fact that they played baseball there is probably not worth mentioning. Though that might be something for you to decide. At the very least try to slip it in more naturally. For instance, without the line break.
Regarding the character speech tags.
You have them doing the following: Laughing, asking with a growl, explaining, objecting, and inquiring. Plus "Sandy made clear" which is unnecessary. Asking is fine, but with a growl it becomes iffy. I don't know how laughing should be handled. I suggest cutting the other three, and putting in "said." I've heard "said" called the "invisible word," and it really is, the reader rarely notices it. So I would try to put more of them in. (Or any at all really.)
His forehead met his hands with the delicacy of a master chef completing the final touch on an appetizer.
Doesn't really work, the chef stuff feels unnatural at a crime scene. (I'm pretty sure it's a crime scene.)
Sandy glared at him with the zeal of an overachiever.
Sandy inquired with a murderous mind honed for the scientific kill.
Both of these are telling us the person Sandy is. The saying "show, don't tell" is overused. But in this situation it's applicable. You're just telling us he's supposed to be an overachiever and possess a "mind honed for the scientific kill." (As a side note, I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Maybe I'm just stupid or something, in the case I'm not, you might want to look into making things clearer.)
I know sometimes showing us these kinds of things, especially in a short span of time, is hard. One thing that would effect if you even need to portray these elements is the length of the fiction. Is this flash fiction? The first part of a short story or novel?
If this isn't the whole work you don't need to establish character elements instantly by telling us what the elements are, all you have to do is show the character in action. Show what makes people come to the conclusion that Sandy is an overachiever, because if people think he's an overachiever then he must act like one occasionally.
Some ending notes.
I wouldn't mind more description. At the end all we know is the body was torn into three parts, we don't know what the body looks like, or really anything else. We have only a vague inclination of where this is.
Anyways. I hope that was a) Helpful and intelligible. And b) Didn't dishearten you.
I know I was slightly redundant with some of the points made by other people, but whatever. The aforementioned other people bring up good points, by the way, especially about adjectives. Also take my suggestions with a grain of salt, I'm not a big expert at this, but these are my opinions and suggestions.
|
On February 02 2012 21:15 Hot_Bid wrote:
Wayyy too many adjectives and adverbs, the writing doesn't flow like a story because you're trying to over-describe everything. You really should selectively use descriptive words and phrases, plan and think and structure when you use them don't just throw them in front of every noun.
The very first thing I thought.
Adjectives get really overdone if they're used to describe things that don't really advance the scene or story.
|
On February 02 2012 20:51 ohsea.toc wrote:
paradoxically
transcendentally
hopefully
commonly
seemingly
happily
sardonically
incidentally
lecherously
carefully
'The road to hell is paved with adverbs' - Stephen King.
In all seriousness, be wary of overusing them.
Yep! Use them very conservatively - the specific way in which people are expressing their thoughts isn't what makes a story.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
