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i thought i loved you. i really did. i care for you so much. but when i saw your heart open up, and i looked into your heart and saw the genuine face of love there, i had to look to myself. i felt nothing. i knew it wasnt. you deserve love in return. i felt dread. i care for you, more than you know, but this was bound to end. i still can't accept it, i dont want to, i dont want to leave you behind. i really, genuinely believe that you're the best girl whose ever come into my life. but if i ran back, and i know i would feel it again. and the next time, when it has to end, it would be worse. i keep seeing your eyes, feeling your heart when i had to crush you. it was the worst moment of my life, and i keep living it over and over. everything seems dull, unworthy. i haven't eaten, ive barely drank, and i want to hold you and tell you everything will be all right. but if i did that, i know it wont be. i know that ultimately, we are not meant for each other. it is better to do this now than at any point in the future.
but it hurts so god damn much. i am so sorry i had to do this to you. i feel nothing but pain, sadness, and regret. i still wonder, why can't i love you? why don't i feel anything there? is there something wrong with me? you were perfect. i cant send this to you, i need time, we need time, to be apart. space to see ourselves and our lives. its all i can do not run over and grab you. i dont know where to turn. i have all the friends in the world, but i dont want to see anybody. i dont want to talk to anybody. all i want is to be able to love you. this isn't my forever love, and i dont want to waste any more time or make this any more painful. all i want is to be able to love you
why can't i?
 
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I've been there bro all I can say is that right now you're friends and family are the only two things that can put your life back on track. I hate saying this cliche overused bullshit phrase that my friends once told me- nevertheless very true- but time will heal your wounds.
+ you will find another cute/nice girl that you will fall in love with very soon my man.
All the best
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Blazinghand
United States25560 Posts
Rated 5 stars for hoping you feel better ;_;
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On February 01 2012 08:00 Rickson wrote:all I can say is that right now you're friends and family are the only two things that can put your life back on track.
Unfortunately not all people have caring friends and/or family. Hopefully you do. Other than that, the only thing that can heal you is time.
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Eh,
As someone who was on the other end of this, I find it very hard to have much sympathy at all for the person who is the initiator.
Most people say its mature to end something you or both parties know will end eventually.....but just imagine the pain that she is enduring too if she still loved you till the very end. It's everything you're feeling right now, on top of questioning herself...did she do something wrong? is she unattractive to you now? what changed? If you can't even really give her a reason that's a lot more pain for her.
If your only rational reasoning for breaking up with someone you ' love ' is that you just don't feel *it* then there isn't much to worry about. You will meet other girls. You will get over it. Sorry for the time being, get drunk talk it out with friends.
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love is for pussies!
life goes on, if its not right for you, then you shouldn't be that sad. Shes a big girl, she will survive, as will you.
yes, breaking up is bad. but this isn't romeo and juliet, and i feel like young peoples relationships are unhealthily over dramatised.
now tiger go get out there and slay some vag
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its more than this
i feel dead. emotional attachment is zero. ive been a porn addict for a decade, and ive given it up a while ago. when i look into her eyes, i feel the love. but i feel nothing. something is so wrong with me, holding me back, preventing me from giving or receiving love. even thinking about my parents, friends, family, and dog--i feel nothing. nothing but sadness. except every so often, feelings bubble up from inside of me and theyre so intense i want to scream
wtf is happening
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Blazinghand
United States25560 Posts
Sorry if this is a bit of a sidetrack, but is your screenname "Kurt is the Turtle" or "Kurtis the Turtle"? This has been bothering me for some time.
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if time heals wounds
(insert philosoraptor here)
then why do old people die?
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do something impulsive/crazy.
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On February 01 2012 10:38 Blazinghand wrote:
Sorry if this is a bit of a sidetrack, but is your screenname "Kurt is the Turtle" or "Kurtis the Turtle"? This has been bothering me for some time.
i'm interested in this as well
anyways, so i'm half confused by what happened...is it that you feel nothing for her despite recognizing that she's a great girl or that something went wrong w/the relationship?
rereading QQ
edit: ok figured it out, you're depressed that you feel like you can't love her like she can love you thus you broke up with her
now that i've figured that out, as someone who is repeatedly shut down on the other end (i.e. either cheated on, fucked over, or just straight up rejected...i either need better luck or to be a far better person Q_Q) i can't really feel much sympathy for you, i do feel your pain and i know it but it is probably far less than the pain that she is feeling as a result of your actions...hell even if you make it very clear that it's you and not her she will still question herself and possibly become super depressed for a while (the more in love she was feeling the worse that will be) and just hate everything there is in life and then hopefully manage to recover
my last time getting fucked over really got to me :'( any little thing going wrong will get me practically wanting to shoot myself :/ here's the mindset..."if something's wrong with me just tell me!" there should be a reason why you cant love her (and porn isn't really a good one...it does desensitize you but not to the extent that you cannot love someone emotionally)
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Afraid to commit, afraid to love, afraid to be rejected? Attachment issues, maybe from your parents, a past failed relationship that hurt you beyond your ability to repair yourself?
There is no such thing as the inability to love, however by the sound of it instead of looking at it as it is now,try to look how you got there. Once you have an idea, it's gonna take some courage and bravery to resolve whatever existing problems you may have.
The positive thing, is growth and self realization, the negative thing is its gonna be hard and your gonna hurt through the process
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On February 01 2012 11:43 run.at.me wrote:
Afraid to commit, afraid to love, afraid to be rejected? Attachment issues, maybe from your parents, a past failed relationship that hurt you beyond your ability to repair yourself?
There is no such thing as the inability to love, however by the sound of it instead of looking at it as it is now,try to look how you got there. Once you have an idea, it's gonna take some courage and bravery to resolve whatever existing problems you may have.
The positive thing, is growth and self realization, the negative thing is its gonna be hard and your gonna hurt through the process
ive been thinking everything over. everything. there is something blocking me from love, something that makes me want to scream when it bubbles up. i want so badly to go take her back, but not before i fully know who i am. i want to text her "if there is a chance, would you take it?" but that would be the cruelest thing i could do.
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i've been in this same position about a year and a half ago. the girl i was with was amazing.. everything was great about her, but i just knew that i really didnt have the feelings i should.. and letting it go longer would have just delayed or even amplified the pain.
some say your soul mates come into your lives for only a short period of time to show you the potential of who you really are.
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Oh Lord. Why? You didn't love her and were honest. Since when is that a problem?!
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On February 01 2012 16:28 missefficiency wrote:
Oh Lord. Why? You didn't love her and were honest. Since when is that a problem?!
since i dont know if its because of me or because i genuinely didnt
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By Olvegg: Emotional disconnection comes from not being able to live in the moment, you block your feelings because of a protection mechanism that failed to do his job. You now just live through past and future projections and you associate your mind to it.
You are like an ivory tower, nothing can harm you inside but at the same nothing came come out of you.
This is serious business I have been struggling with that for a long time before I was able to break it off.
Good luck bro
edit: i think this was it. id imagine far into the future, or far into the past. but all you can feel is the present.
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On February 01 2012 09:35 Ack1027 wrote:
As someone who was on the other end of this, I find it very hard to have much sympathy at all for the person who is the initiator.
Most people say its mature to end something you or both parties know will end eventually.....but just imagine the pain that she is enduring too if she still loved you till the very end. It's everything you're feeling right now, on top of questioning herself...did she do something wrong? is she unattractive to you now? what changed? If you can't even really give her a reason that's a lot more pain for her.
I feel like a monster. I keep seeing her, seeing her love, and reliving crushing her. I literally feel like a fucking monster who doesn't deserve to live. I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty. I told her straight up everything was wonderful, you're an amazing girl, and the best woman whose ever come into my life. I don't know why I can't love you, but I can't bear to fake it. I won't pretend to be the person you need, I have to BE the person you need. Right before I left, she said wait. She hugged me and goes "you're my first love." All I could do was scream. I just screamed. it hurt so much. If I'm feeling all this grief, there must have been something there. Why couldn't I access it? The entire time we were together, I was 100% honest and straightforward with her about everything. She isn't mad at me, understands why I have to do what I do, and just wishes that when I find happiness, it would be with her.
Every day since the I've woken up at 4:23 from dreaming about her, and I just lay there in bed for hours longing for her. I feel awful. To get her back, I have to move on. But if I move on, how will I get her back?
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Now, have no fear, I'm a TL girl blog regular (not claiming to be an expert - that honour belongs to a few other special individuals) and I'm here to post an amazing comment that'll fix up everything.
(after reading)
Okay. Erm...
You're probably more confused than the readers who are probably confused after reading your post. What you posted above is actually exactly what I was going to suggest - just move on. You won't need her back if you move on through this phase and find what you're looking for. You'll have her back if you find that what you felt with her was actually love, because if she's true, she'll stay where she is. Take a selfish choice, let her be where she wants to be, and pursue your path to where you want to be.
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On February 02 2012 00:31 OpticalShot wrote:
Now, have no fear, I'm a TL girl blog regular (not claiming to be an expert - that honour belongs to a few other special individuals) and I'm here to post an amazing comment that'll fix up everything.
(after reading)
Okay. Erm...
You're probably more confused than the readers who are probably confused after reading your post. What you posted above is actually exactly what I was going to suggest - just move on. You won't need her back if you move on through this phase and find what you're looking for. You'll have her back if you find that what you felt with her was actually love, because if she's true, she'll stay where she is. Take a selfish choice, let her be where she wants to be, and pursue your path to where you want to be.
thankyou. that she will stay just where she is, thankyou. it puts a lightness in my soul and lessens this physical tension in my throat. ive been ignoring classes, unnecessary food, everything, trying to find this love in myself. meditating, walking, thinking, i can remember all over my life where ive had moments of it. i felt close to it in church, close to it in japan, close to it every time i go somewhere where who i think i am dies. I've felt it once recently, after a long concentrated period of meditation. but i think the fact im trying to very hard to reach it, instead of accepting it, is holding me back. I talked with my mom on the phone for hours yesterday, and was completely honest about everything. I'm suffering from mild/moderate depression and exhibiting addiction coping tendencies that 11/13 of my close relatives have, and so I'm going to start taking the steps they did to get through it. since ive been so successful on paper, and so closed off emotionally, this has gone on since junior high (10 years). my parents detected it, but since i never said anything they left it alone. ive actually had thoughts of suicide pretty continuously, my entire life, but thats weak, and selfish. somewhere inside myself i know that i will make it through this. i dont know what i need to do, but for now i feel pain. i am alone. i have no girlfriend. im trying to find the place where i know that i am not my mind. it keeps thinking about the past, the future, i want to connect with vitality from now. i told her that once i find my happiness, i will see her again.
so for now:
1) don't drop out of school
2) find happiness
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ive eliminated all addictions in my life, the last and most intense being my ex. I'm back at zero, literally, and now that I'm no longer numbed by addiction I feel my depression full on. I'm starting over, and trying to take those steps in the right direction.
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I must fix my life until I can give love freely. Then I must offer it to her, and give it to her, regardless of her will. When I've freely given it, she can accept it, or deny it, and I can move on. I fell asleep, woke up, and this thought was inside of me. Love can't be taken, can't be forced, it can only be given. And only through giving can it be accepted. My path is clear, and it will hurt. But that's ok.
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EPT
