EPTThe first thing I want to change about myself this year is that I don't want to have this social anxiety anymore. I don't want to sit in my little corner and be afraid of speaking out, or anything. I've lived like this for so long, and it really needs to stop. I am afraid of always being that out one out, and not fitting in and being made fun of. I really just need to be myself and be social. Not sure if anyone has this right now or has been through it, but if you have, you know that it isn't fun at all, and the fear makes things worse.
Second I want to get over my fear of laddering in SC2. I've had SC2 since august yet I've only played maybe 15 games of 1v1. I'll sit there staring at the Find Match button but never click it. I've played a whole bunch of 2v2s and 4v4s tho, so I sort of know what I am doing. I don't want to say I know the game really well, but I understand a lot about it, but even tho I can watch streams and what not and know what should be done or what he could do differently, when it comes to playing, I have no idea, and I have that fear of I'm getting cheesed or I am about to get all-ind and everything, and when I think about all that, I just don't play. And to top it all off, I feel a bit OCD and I don't want to enter a game and not know what to do. I know a lot timings and build orders and such, at such a low level, mean nothing, and even at a higher level, you can only go so far before you entire build can be thrown off. And I can understand that, but it doesn't feel good going into a game going "What do I do next?" I don't really have this problem when I have a friend playing with me, but I don't know anyone anymore who plays the game, or even wants to.... If I could honestly say where I think I would be league wise, I would pick my self around gold-platinum level. But I am stuck in bronze because when I started playing, I had no idea what I was doing, and now I'm just afraid to play. I know that this may take a while to overcome, but I am hoping to meet some people who play who would like to hang out on SC2 and help me along the way. And maybe help me pick a race.....yeah that might be helpful.
Third, I don't want to just play SC2, I want it to become more of my life. I know that can be such a stupid thing to say, but gaming has always been my life. I remember when I was a little kid and my dad showed me Doom and Quake and those. I even remember playing one of the original Warcrafts. And ever since my dad showed me Quake and Doom, that was the start. I remember playing the crap out of those games. And before I knew it, I was playing Counter-Strike. I remember playing for days and days without stopping at all, and I just never quit. Then I eventually got into console gaming and that's where I've been for a while now. I am a huge fan of the CoD series and even Halo. I remember when I first got my PS3 and CoD4 and spending 3 days up straight doing nothing but playing CoD. No idea wtf I was doing, but I could never put down the controller. And now that I have found SC2 and stuff I feel the same way. I don't really play, but ALWAYS on my second monitor I have someones stream up. Doesn't matter who, but I am always watching someone. I watch all the tournaments and everything. I have this game just stuck into my mind so much, that I feel sad that I don't play it, or even add anything to the SC2 community. The only real thing I can say I add to the community is some reddit, but not much, always watching streams without ad-block (does that count?) and buying some teams sponsors items. I have a Razer DeathAdder and this week bought the SteelSeries 6Gv2 keyboard (which, holy hell, this thing is weird to type on.) and the SteelSeries Siberia V2 headset, which so far, I love more then my Astro A40s. I feel like there needs to be something I should add to the community. This community has almost exploded and is so large and everything about it is amazing, and I can't wait to see what will happen this year with esports.
Fourth, I need to quit smoking. Holy crap is this a horrible habit that I need to stop now.....
Lately, I just want to be not a WHOLE new person, but I just need to change my mindset. I have always seen myself as that odd one out and it's hurt me so much like I have said, and I hope this year I can change. I feel like I have a lot I could be doing, here or there, doesn't matter. I feel I have the potential to add anything anywhere and be good about it. I could be adding to this community, becoming good at SC2, adding to the LoL community, or becoming good at LoL. (Notice how I never want to leave gaming?) I feel I could help TTV or Own3d, or anyone who wants to do something. I just don't want to be doing something else that isn't somehow esports related. Like I said, gaming has always been the biggest part of my life, and I never want to change that and I need to be helping it.
If you managed to read through this I thank you. Typing this up is not easy for me, in more ways then one. This keyboard man, i keep hitting the wrong key or barely touch one and all the sudden my words go all aiurbnvwbsviuwebnc. So ignore any spelling mistakes I may have forgotten. If you have anything to add about what I have said, or even want to say what you want to do for this year, post it here if you would like. I would like to see what other people want to do this year, and hopefully this will be the best year in every way.
