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When you have someone (girl, online but offline still applies of course) saying she is crying all the time because of (lets say) her shitty relationship with her mother and she feels unappreciated and lacking love and affection
What the fuck do you say to try to help her?
I WANT to say the right thing and be cool and get that person thinking with a different perception OR I want to distract them / cheer them up to alleviate their emotional state at least in the short term.
What I end up usually doing is..
a) Rambling and giving "good advice" that doesn't translate to helpful advice in the present moment, and end up coming over as arrogant and annoying.
Eg:
+ Show Spoiler +
okay well for a start u will feel much better tomorrow when u wake up tho nothing might have changed u will feel better , then u can think about making a stand
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its useful to be angry and upset coz it helps u make decisions so i think u should decide right now to be a bit more careful and aware of putting yourself in these negative situations. and once uv made that decision , thats good, u can stop thinking abt it and wake up tomorrow feelin a bit refreshed emotionally
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u need something to help stabilise yourself when you're at home, something you feel engaged by and secure with, to distract you (not to hinder you)
its no good spending day after day brooding , it emotionally rapes you, you need some escape
once you have a more stable and independent emotional base then all these shitty things happening dont make u feel so bad and hating and helpless
b) Rambling and whining about my own shitty life to show that "I understand how you feel" or to try to put things in context eg "I feel like shit too but I try to cope with it by..."
With this I often find myself sounding very attention-seeking and self-pitying, like I'm drawing the spotlight away from the other person and using the opportunity to tell them how shitty I feel , like I'm almost spiteful that they have the nerve to come to me when MY life is so much worse than theirs already.
I don't wanna come across this way but you can't control how other people perceive you and you need to be cautious... right now I feel like I need to contact this person and be like "Omg I didn't mean to come across as arrogant and needy, I just wanted to.........." . Well tough shit, I did come across that way, and I failed in what I was trying to do.
c) Be callous and come across as a jerk. Saying stuff like "chin up, you'll get through it" feels to me like it is pretty shitty and doesn't achieve anything to console a person, but on the other hand saying something like "You need to get it together, do what you need to do, its not gonna get any better by sitting around crying" is not gonna help either. It works for some (men?) but in the past I've really hurt people by taking this approach and they suddenly start loathing you and you want to kill yourself for it.
d) This is the one I don't really do because , for some reason, my perception is it is cheap and unhelpful and doesn't work to solve an issue in the longterm. This is when you change the subject completely , distracting the person and trying to make them laugh and forget about their shit for a moment, so maybe they can go to sleep feeling a bit emotionally relieved.
Now I am starting to see the value in this because I believe our base emotional state is what controls us and our abilities to a massive extent. If you can relieve someones emotional state temporarily , or raise it slightly overall, then this is a good thing and will act upon their future life.
e) This is what some PUAs will recommend that you do afaik. Dont get in that situation in the first place, dont become someones emotional leaning pole, because it is a lose-lose situation. You just can't help them and you risk making it worse or causing them to hate on you / making yourself a target. You should be brief and firm and in a few days they will thank you for it. IDK.
f) The Right Thing That Causes Success. This is possibly a combination of the above, or using the right one in the right situation, or something, I dont know, thats why Im asking. Are you a person who knows how to cheer someone up, and dont really get what Im blathering about here because it all comes naturally to you? Please explain your approach
The alternative is (of course) "Just do your best and forget about it" or "You cant help everyone all the time" etc kinda responses. This isnt really acceptable to me because I feel I still have a lot of improvement to make before I can claim that kinda thing.
I think some PUAs will say here "Be attractive to her, simple as that". Is this correct? (im not trying to bone her, just do the right thing)
I am posting this because the problem pops up time and time again. A friend (girl) came to me the other night saying she was upset and depressed every day, and I feel like I just ended up annoying her rather than helping her, coming across as whiny, needy, arrogant and uncaring and un-understanding all in the same freakin conversation. I am exaggerating but who cares, its still shitty.
Really I am left wanting to ask this person "What could I have done to help you?" And maybe I will ask that when she is able to answer it....idk
Your comments and advice goes here:
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"Oh I'm so sorry," and hug, hold their hand, kiss, make them sit down etc.
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her shitty relationship with her mother and she feels unappreciated and lacking love and affection
You identified the issue or lack of what she needs and then you ask what you should say...
Don't worry, I have the same issue and my answer always pisses them off. I always give them the rational answer, but not one that makes them feel good, just one that will help them sort the issue. It's useful when they follow through, but I have to fight them to get them to do it.
I don't wanna come across this way but you can't control how other people perceive you Yes you can, in fact, a lot of businesses base themselves on this logic that you can influence how people perceive you.
e) This is what some PUAs will recommend that you do afaik. Dont get in that situation in the first place, dont become someones emotional leaning pole, because it is a lose-lose situation. You just can't help them and you risk making it worse or causing them to hate on you / making yourself a target. You should be brief and firm and in a few days they will thank you for it. IDK.
It is if you're not self-equipped.
When talking to her, establish three fronts: 1. Care and understanding. Tell her you see the issue and that you're proud of her for toughing it.
2. Hope and realistics: Tell her that she can make it through and that at XYZ time, you can finally move on with her life. Be realistic and tell her that some things she may have to just endure.
3. Be reasonable: the solutions you suggest are easy because they're outsourcing the problem to someone who is trained to do it: a professional psychologist/therapist. Suggest it, suggest an authority; school guidance counselor, etc.
Of course, I'm writing this to solve your problem, not her's. If she denies point #3 tell her what she wants to do then, what she seeks to come out of all this, etc. Lead her to a rationale instead of telling her the logics.
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One of the secrets of being a good friend is to let your own personality shine through (this is pretty much the anti-PUA point-of-view). Don't view your friend as a problem to fix. You want to console her. Nothing you say, if you say it sincerely, is going to hurt. It probably won't fix the problem, either. But that's ok, you're just helping her through the hard times by being there and providing someone to talk to. Also, do a lot of listening.
Edit: listening tips, say things like "so how are you feeling today?", etc. Ask her questions about herself and how she's feeling. Yes, this will be boring, but suck it up.
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Well, seeing as how its her mother I don't really think anything you have to say is going to change a relationship like that with a parent. Does she happen to be asian?
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finest: no shes not azn and its not as bad as what i think you mean by that
munch: my personality sucks, i have no idea who i am, riddled with selfdoubt and unassurance, fyi lol.
torte: you're right but i didnt mean it in that way really, i meant if i say "Youll be fine" she might think "okay i will be!" or "how can you say that!" or "oh fuck off obviously you dont give a shit". but youre right i understand
i like the rest of your post. maybe if i make things more simple, and talk less and listen more then just say a few key things then itd be better.
its like "how can you be supportive of someone". rather than "how can i make her feel better AND fix everything". idk. maybe i should just stop at the "being supportive" and not go into those rambles and comparisons and crap. i guess its obvious if someone isnt valuing a particular thing that you do then yu should stop fuckin doing it
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My only advice is that it's less how good you talk than how good you listen that is important when someone is sad.
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You say you don't wanna bone this girl, but then you reference PUA and laws of attraction and stuff like that. Figure out what it is you want, because it seems like you're overthinking and confusing yourself.
As for advice, it's hard to offer you any without more detail. If she really is having conflicts with her parents stay the hell out of it and just take her somewhere fun and get her to think less about it. Don't even mention it/give her advice.
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I'm not sure there's a stock answer or solution to help her or you through this but don't underestimate how much help it will be for her to just have you around to talk to - being there for her is the most important thing even if you feel like you're not making a difference!
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i cant believe how rigged up my mind is to "problem solving" rather than what some of you guys are describing . i guess i just have such little experience with it (being "supportive"). maybe i should watch some dramas/soaps :/
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Think of it this way.
You need to be supportive by keeping her standing up and facing her problems.
Instead, you're trying to teach her how to stand on her own. She just wants the crutch to help stand.
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The one thing that has helped my relationship with girls in general is to realize that most guys just want to solve problems. They listen to a person's issues and the first thing they say is, "well have you tried...", "you should....", "what if you...".
Think about all the times you had problems and people just wanted to tell you what you were doing wrong and how to fix the problem and how they knew what the right thing to do was. If you're anything like me, it's really annoying. The best thing you can do when dealing with a girl's problems is to realize that there's no easy solution, no one step answer to make things better, and if there was, you sure as he'll arent the guy that knows what it is. Just keep your mouth closed and listen and ask questions to clarify things that don't make sense to you. Don't try to give advice, just let yourself be a backboard for the girl to talk to and walk through her problems and figure out things on her own.
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listen and hug, look them in the eyes. don't give advice just let them know that you're there
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most girls only ever want to feel like they are wanted and that they are good enough. very often they no the solution to their problems but dont want to face it.
the best thing you can do is just listen and show interest in what she has to say. hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. giving advice generally isn't a good idea. women are strange creatures. dont ever give advice unless they ask you for it. you will more than likely just say something they dont agree with and piss them off more.
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Usually you just press the ^-Key (top right, directly beneath ESC).
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Just listen to her and ask lots of open ended questions. If you are interested in her try some light supportive contact. If you are not interested in her avoid physical contact unless needed, because she may get the wrong idea or get very clingy. But the main thing is to just listen, that's all 90% of girls want anyway.
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If you are not trying to have sexual intercourse with this girl, then throw everything you learned about pickup artistry because believe, you will only make her feel worst. Btw how is this girl's current dating situation?
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Entertain her, make her smile, don't talk as if she's really fucked up.
Talk as if you find her sparkling awesome and cool, and it sucks she's bein a bit down, cos (then bring up her good sides).
I think that's a good way, not really a certain word or lines, just wing it, and be awesome while doing it. Some years ago I stopped bitches killing themself left and right. But don't mimic sadness and emoness back at them, just makes them feel confirmed "awh man i really am emo depressed useless" emotions in them.
Try making her laugh
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I also had good success with pretending emo bitches turn me on!!
Just roleplay into it, she knows ur fucking with her, so it's not mean.
"Your hair is black right?"
she goes "yes"
"awh, that's so hot"
"How about your shoulders, they kinda slumping too yea?"
she goes "kinda I guess"
"mm mm, fuck yeah"
around this point she'll "LOL wTF"
not to many dirty, sexul inuendo's though, just keep changing topics a lot, it's more fun and entertaining as well.
and u just make her not think about being/feeling miserable.
Or tell her to get a cat, kitten, she won't care for her mothers affection when there's a cat around lol, cat pwns girls hearts.
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When ever you are consoling someone I find it helpful to just be near them and be less of the talking type. Unless they want you to talk. In that case just be nice and try to assure them that everything will be okay. Other then that, most women just want a shoulder to cry on.
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EPT
