1. Go to
http://www.solomid.net/guides.php and find a champion that you think is cool. Maybe the one you like has sparkles or something. I won't judge you.
2. Read any of the featured guides for that champion.
3. If you have a second monitor, put the guide on it. Otherwise just learn to have sick memory skills or something.
4. When you load into the game, buy the items that the guide tells you to.
5. Pick a lane. Most champions have a lane they're super good and bad at. If you pick a retarded lane choice your friends will yell at you and tell you where to go.
6. Don't get fucked by towers. They hurt for realsies.
7. When you level up, look at the guide and it'll tell you what to level next.
8. In the laning phase (the first 20 minutes or so) just try to focus on last hitting minions (unless you're laning with a friend and he tells you not to)
9. Don't get fucked by enemy champions.
9. In the case that your friends are actually retarded, buy wards.
11. Buy more wards.
12. Place those wards in the river. Your anus will be saved from a thousand years of pain for the next 2-3 minutes.
13. If you want to be friendly for some reason, tell your team when the enemy champions in your lane leave. If you're warding, you have a good chance of seeing them try to gank.
14. Harass when you can, but don't over do it or you might get raped.
15. If you're getting fucked up really bad, go to somewhere safe and recall. If you're stupid, just do it anywhere you want.
16. Every time you're at the store, buy cool ass items. If you don't know what items to buy, look at the guide.
17. If you manage to kill somebody, talk shit about that persons mother in /all chat. This is mandatory in a moba game.
18. If you get killed by somebody, call their champion overpowered (if they're playing the same champion, blame luck or lag.) Also mandatory.
19. If you have a jungler, call him bad and tell him that he's not ganking your lane enough. If he responds to you, just continue calling him bad.
20. If you get into a 1v1/2v2 etc where everybody dies, but they come out with worse losses, tell them it was worth it in /all chat.
21. Eventually the lane towers will start to die. If a tower in your lane falls, blame your lane partner if you have one. Even if it's your friend. He's probably a twat anyways.
22. If a tower in another lane dies, call that person retarded in /all chat so that the other team can understand why you're losing.
23. After the first tower or two starts falling in each lane, follow your friends around. It's not safe to be wandering around when the entire enemy team is missing.
24. If a team fight happens, press buttons and explosions will happen.
25. If you lose the team fight, your friends will probably tell you weren't focusing the right champion.
26. If you ace the other team (they're all dead) do something cool like take baron or push one of their lanes. Or do nothing. It's up to you.
27. One team will eventually start pushing into the other teams base. If an inhibitor is destroyed the nexus for the opposing team will start spawning super minions. They hit for a billion damage.
28. The game will end when one team kills the opposing teams nexus.
29. Don't type gg because that would be well mannered.
30. Infact, wait until you're at the score screen if you're going to BM because more people will see it.
31. If you lost, look at your teams individual scores and find someone who did really poorly. Make sure that everyone knows how shitty they did. If you were the one with shitty score, make sure you blame it on something. There's a whole plethora of things you can blame it on so be sure to be creative.
Congratulations, you've just finished your first game. It was probably terrible. Continue practicing and soon enough you will continue being raped by people that are much wose than you.
EPT
