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Sometimes it’s hard to start writing an explanation about pretty serious subjects as I am going to do now. It feels as if I have no solid place to start off and get this blog going, but I seem to struggle with some things that I would like to have some thoughts on to put everything in my mind into perspective. So I think it would be good to begin with some information first.
Since the age of 8, I am aware that I have ADHD. Before you ask, I do not see this as a problem that much, as I have grown to learn to deal with it 99% of the time thanks to my parents’ approach on raising me as a child. Now for me, the fact that I have ADHD translates into having a very short fuse. In the past I could start raging like mad at any given time due to something I did not like. Over the years, this fuse has been growing longer bit by bit, and also I keep working on trying to put the anger I feel into a little “box of nothingness”. Add to this a very strong sense of perfectionism and you’ve got the recipe for an angry man who doesn’t achieve his goals in a satisfying way. Something I really really don’t want to be.
If I look at my Starcraft II career, I have to say that without doubt, I am a worse rager than EG.IdrA. With one key difference. If I get mad, I will be angry with a specific race/tactic (read: protoss) but it does not make me twist my mind that I should not win. Quite on the contrary; I will become much much more focused on improving and beating the person. In other words, for once my anger benefits me in my play by making me so angry that I keep looking for ways to improve my play and deal with whatever they throw at me.
However, the rage in the spur of the moment does not seem to slow down. It’s better than when I was a silver a year back, but even then I get ridiculously rude while not meaning it personal. I feel part of this comes from my mindset that I am someone who does not censor my thoughts to a lower degree to make people happy, because I feel I am lying to people if I do not explain my thoughts in full honesty. Often I feel fine with this, but it happens more frequently that I am too harsh and that I could say the same with 2 words differently put. It begins to gnaw.
I am wondering if anyone has thoughts on decent methods to channel this initial rage after losing a game, and put it into something usefull?
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Understand that everytime you lose a game, it's because you could have done something better. Don't blame your losses on other people. It seems like you already know how to channel your anger (using it as determination to beat your opponent). So everytime you lose a game your first thought should be, "What did I do wrong?" and from there just use that focus/determination to figure out what went wrong and how to improve it. Use that focus in the next games you play to raise your game to a higher level and take responsibility for your wins AND your losses.
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Most of the time it's anger about my inability to perform like I usually do. But I find it really hard to not lash out in the spur of a moment, rather than to calm down right off.
Edit:
I mean, I know I probaly will never make the professional scene. But that does not mean I will give up now. I always strive to be the best in something that really interests me, and SC2 is something I have had a lot of success with. Every game I play, even if I play like master-level games in quality, I see tons of flaws I know I can fix but I keep making different ones.
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Look, I don't know what it feels like to have ADHD, but I know what can tick off a person into rage mode and suppressing is very difficult.
The worst rages comes from losing a game where you had an advantage (or opportunity to win). This probably was due to you losing focus in the middle of a game (think turtle vs rabbit race), just stay focused and these situations will appear less.
Converting rage into determination? Try respecting for your opponent first. This is done by just acknowledging your opponent is not a retard on his keyboard, he's got a brain that can think just as good as yours.
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I have been channeling my rage to improve my gameplay for months, it works very well but it's also a work in progress. It's fairly easy to get consumed by the hate that's created.
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Pointless rage is the worst; Oftentimes I find myself mid 8-game losing streak and wonder, 'why the hell am i just blindly throwing games when I don't know what I want to be doing?'
It makes me feel more human when I can understand what I'm so angry about, and know that I've got room for improvement. After losing a game I thought I should have won, I'm quick to point out my mistake before I go into blind rage about something my opponent did.
I think it just boils down to 'control' of your rage. If you understand what's got you so flustered, you can pretty much channel it into anything you want
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Anger is not a bad emotion. You have to realize this first before you will overcome the idea that feeling anger is a bad thing. Don't try to control your anger. Rather, acknowledge your anger and let it live inside you as a fire that intensifies the present moment. Of course, do not take your anger out on others. If you need to do something to help your anger move on, practice mindful breathing and mindful walking.
You will find that by allowing your anger to be "your little anger," "your friend," etc. that it will come and go pretty quickly.
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Being upset, frustrated and angry is rather normal. However, if you do not control that temper, you might and you will lose friendships & make a reputation of a douchebag for yourself (assuming you do care about other's opinions, otherwise you'd probably not even post here, right?), if you just blurt out the first thing on your mind to people you are angry & frustrated with. There's being honest with someone and then there's being flat out rude and abusive to someone. You can't just say 'I don't mean it personally'. These are two completelly different things and shouldn't be mixed up. In no way you should use your short fuse an an excuse for your behaviour towards others (read: Protoss) after losing a game. It is very easy to throw the blame at the opponent, yes. Nearly tempting to a degree. But, with that attitude, you'll only hold yourself down.
In my personal experience, sheer anger can't be really utilized in a positive way. It kinda affects you in the negative way to the point that you simply won't come up with useful stuff. I've been dealing with psychological side of myself related to StarCraft 2 for a while, having ADHD among many other difficulties, I can relate to your situation, so trust me on that; getting angry and venting it on others will only do a damage and won't serve you in any positive way. Both in regards of your StarCraft 2 progress as well as when it comes to your personal reputation proceeding you.
I believe, when you get really mad, you shouldn't act on the first thing, which comes to your mind. Take a break, have a walk, breathe and think about the situation. Only after that, you'll be able to make much more reasonable decisions.
Good luck and think about it.
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I agree with other posters when you get mad you normally do it without really thinking it's just a response to something that didn't go right. I know having ADHD probably makes it 10 times worse but you can still try some different things and see what works for you. You need to figure out why you're getting mad and if it is just because you didn't win then that's the problem. People will tell you to play the game for fun but that doesn't help at all. If you spend more time trying to understand what went wrong and the points of the game you'll naturally get less mad and you'll be more goal oriented.
Also remember it's ok and natural to get angry about things but you shouldn't let it be a response that lasts more than a minute at the most. It's been said a million times but also don't play when you're mad just take a break.
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On September 28 2011 12:46 Aelonius wrote:
Most of the time it's anger about my inability to perform like I usually do. But I find it really hard to not lash out in the spur of a moment, rather than to calm down right off.
Edit:
I mean, I know I probaly will never make the professional scene. But that does not mean I will give up now. I always strive to be the best in something that really interests me, and SC2 is something I have had a lot of success with. Every game I play, even if I play like master-level games in quality, I see tons of flaws I know I can fix but I keep making different ones.
It seems like you need to understand that your expectations for your CURRENT self are too high. In order to meet your expectations you need to practice, practice, practice. You're getting upset because your expectations aren't equivalent to your skill level. This is causing ur brain to go haywire when u lose because it doesn't understand how you could "perform so poorly" because it is expecting more out of you.
You need to take it one game at a time, and take it easier on yourself. Understand that the only way to improve is to remain calm and level-headed after wins and losses, and constantly be looking for ways to up your game to the next level. Controlling your emotions and keeping a level head throughout the training process is one of the most important aspects of evolving as a player.
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First off, a lot of thanks to all of you <3
I am wondering for those who know the trouble with ADHD, do you have a way to practice yourself to stop lashing out before thinking? For the opponent this is really the big problem with me, as I often say things before thinking thoroughly. I've tried to take breaks, calm down that way but then I noticed I had more breaks than playtime and found I went worse and worse in my gameplay.
One problem I do feel that's probaly a root cause, is that this feeling of perfectionism is blocking me. If I play on EU/NA, and I play a mediocre game I always feel I have it in me to play much better but it didn't come out. In Korea, I do have this feeling but I get much less worked up around it. Maybe it's because I slumped like hell and dropped down in practice that it sets me off like a timed bomb?
As mentioned by l3iRdMaN, I have pretty high expectations. I know I can play really well but for some reason I keep making mistakes that trigger this unhappy mindset. On the other hand, if I start to crush people with very good play I am not satisfied either as there's still so much room for improvement. I have this with everything I try to do or achieve in my life, it's never enough and I am lost on ways to turn this dissatisfaction into satisfaction.
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Finding the negative is always easier than trying to find the positive things, and thus, it may be way easier to end up angry, frustrated and unmotivated. That's how the nature of human being is, or so I believe. I can relate so much in regards of never being satisfied with my performance, expecting myself to do always better. And when I don't, I too get frustrated. Except, I turn that frustration inwards, rather than on people around me.
I wish I could give you some advice there; but I'm looking for the answers there myself. Trying to find a healthy balance for seeing the good and bad about my performance.
Here is something I wrote on my personal website:
Oh the joy of losing. This topic is also one of the most common things happening in the game of StarCraft. Yes, I'm Mrs. Obvious here, hello there, dear reader. But, the thing I want to talk about, or vent is, about losing, to just get it off my chest, how it affects me and why.
To me, each time I lose, I get upset. Angry. Frustrated. Sad. It just happens, no matter if I actually want it to happen. To explain - while my reasonable part realizes that losing is part of the learning process, somehow my mind & body are still reacting the opposite way. In fact, these spontaneous reactions to my own losses are what's currently limiting me when it comes to laddering. I don't want to push myself into ladder game in poor mental state and yet, I want to make my daily habit to play much more on ladder than I currently do.
It's saddening when we GG...
As we all know, the way we feel, the mood we are in, it greatly affects the way we play. It affects our decision-making and it's very easy to get into 'loser's mindset'. To reitrate - It's very easy to come into game with mindset 'Oh, I'm so going to lose' after few consecutive lost games. Especially for me, that is the case, as I try and fight my poor self-confidence.
To self-analyze: Why do I feel the way I do after a loss? Am I angry at my opponent? Am I angry at myself? Why?
The main reason being - Expectations
Expecting myself to perform in certain way. Yes, I expect myself to do well & win. I've been neglecting the laddering for too long and now I feel I have to catch up and reach that goal of mine as soon as possible. Not fulfilling that feels just like failure. And failing to me is an unacceptable option. I used to give up on stuff in past and I simply want to go through with this time. To finish & reach my goals. But, loses fee kind of like 'I'm getting further away from my goal'. That is probably my main reason as to why dealing with loses is so difficult for me.
There's too much involvement for me, when it comes to the game. I care for it greatly, I love it with passion. The proof of that is, that the other day, I was on really bad tilt, basically losing a lot. At the end of day, I had a breakdown; and I cried. Yes, cried. Is that good? Is that bad? Well, the only thing I'm going to say is, that there's no shame in that and if someone thinks it's pathetic, they can kindly kiss my rear-end. We are all human beings and not just those who are at the very top are 'entitled' to show emotions. I'm no longer ashamed to feel certain way about things I love. And tears, equally to laugher are part of it, as the ups and downs occur.
Now, don't get me wrong, it's not matter of feeling bad because of one loss. It's the overal feel of one's performance, which can bring emotions down like that. Again, expectations are the main reason why such reaction would happen.
It's very easy for the brain to come to conclusion that loss = fail. In fact, I believe that's the natural reaction. To me way too natural reaction. I've tried to 'fool' it countless times, as to trying to convince myself that loses are in fact not a bad thing. I have to take my hat off for people like White-Ra, who are able to keep that in their mindsets.
![[image loading]](http://babytossfighting.kilitar.cz/images/ra.png) "More GG, more skill.."
At the other side, I can't just stop caring. It matters to me. A lot in fact. If I didn't have this passion, I'd probably not have this drive to overcome my so much natural self-doubts and would end up quitting long time ago, just like it happened with many things in past. I know for a fact, that not many people would understand me in this. Why I can feel so strongly about 'mere' game. But, as I said, it doesn't matter anymore.
Do I have answers as to how to deal with loses and prevent myself from having these spontaneous reactions after losses? No. I do not. In all honesty, since this is my personal blog, I just wanted to get this off me. I'm terrible & shy when it comes to talking to others and it's much more difficult to talk about these things, so I just wrote them down.
My goal though? To be able to overcome this & play much more games on the ladder. Only that way I'll be able to reach my final goals. Only that way I'll finally grow stronger and defeat my own worst enemy - myself.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://johauna.kilitar.cz/gg.png)
