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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
This is a crosspost from a few other places I write. I decided to share this on these forums because this community is one of the most important ones online for me, and because I thought there may be some of you who may find this post helpful or informative.
This isn't the most self-flattering of anecdotes, and I seriously debated pressing the post button. In hopes that these words help enlighten someone out there, here's my story.
GROWING UP
Despite being born to two immigrants, I call myself an American, and not "Japanese-American", or "Asian-American". I am proud to carry on the country's heritage and help shoulder its future.
I am the child of Japanese immigrants to America. I was born and raised in California. I grew up in a predominantly Caucasian neighborhood (~80%), and was educated in predominantly Caucasian schools for my entire academic life. The majority of my High School friends are Caucasian. The majority of my College friends are Caucasian. All my postgraduate friends are Caucasian. I am not particularly fond of the self-segregating behavior that many ethnic groups - immigrant or non-immgrant - seem to display. Was I always this way? No.
I was definitely confused about my identity growing up. My first language was Japanese. I didn't speak English until I was around 4 years old. I spoke Japanese at home with family, and still do. I was in ESL class during Kindergarten. I attended both an American School and a Japanese School until 10th grade. During my elementary school and junior high days, most of my friends were the sons of Japanese businessmen who had been sent to California for a few years (they all went back to Japan for High School). I was a voracious reader of manga (what "Japanese" kid isn't?), and scoured the web for reading material in Japanese. During my low-teen years, my identity was roughly 50% Japanese and 50% American. I recall stating my identity as "somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean".
AS A PROFESSIONAL
What changed my identity from this 50/50 state to a nearly-completely American identity? Living and Working in Japan.
Ever since I hit the latter half of High School, I had this inexplicable inferiority complex of sorts because I had never lived in Japan. I didn't truly understand what it was like to live there. I knew this would continue to bother me unless I did something to change it. So off I went.
It's an understatement to say that I underestimated the culture gap between America and Japan. Because I look and sound 99% Japanese, I was expected to adhere to the cultural norms of Japan (though to be honest, I was probably cut a lot of slack). The norms of social interaction were stifling both in and out of the office. It was almost as if the First Amendment was taken away from me (Free Speech). Corporate rigidity was insurmountable. I was expected to completely hand over the reigns of my personal and professional life to the company. I felt like I couldn't say my true thoughts to anyone in private or in public.
To make matters worse, I'm pretty good at lying to myself, so I did a pretty good job acting "Japanese" outwardly. But with each passing day, I was dying a little bit inside. As Jack Welch has said, pretending to be someone you aren't is an excruciatingly painful act. Something had to give.
After my third mental breakdown, I finally got out. I lasted 16 months.
IDENTITY
Despite my growing pains there, I am glad I went to my supposed motherland. I can now immediately respond with "I'm American" if ever asked.
If my experience is representative of the norm, then I don't think most children of immigrants can painlessly assimilate back into their parents' cultures. There's no "going back".
Note: This was originally written as an answer to the Quora question: What is it like to experience the world as a young professional and United States-born child of non-European immigrants?
 
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T.O.P.
Hong Kong4685 Posts
So why wouldn't the term Japanese-american fit you?
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 14:43 T.O.P. wrote:
So why wouldn't the term Japanese-american fit you?
The "Japanese" part of me has weakened so much inside me that I personally feel that the phrase does not accurately describe my mental identity. The phrase can mean different things to different people, and the meaning I give it (perhaps it is the one I had growing up when I felt that I was Japanese American) doesn't reflect who I believe I am today.
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Very interesting read. Thanks for posting this.
Also as someone who also has two immigrant parents I see why you would want to be called just American. I think I would also but I feel like I'm not since I wasn't born here. I did move here when I was 5 and haven't been back since though. I hate these labels -_-
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That's weird. I'm the opposite.
I was born in Jersey and thus American. However I am Ecuadorian, Italian, Swiss, Egyptian and American when asked.
Why? Until the age of 12, I lived in New Jersey but then moved Quebec. A heavy french-part of the province where most of everyone are pure Quebeckers (or come from European countries). I didn't speak a slick of French and after two years I started sounding competent when I spoke it but couldn't identify with anyone because they were all white catholic boys and girls (while I was olive Jewish and Catholic with an Ecuadorian mother from New York).
I hardly know my exterior family, my grand-parents have all passed away and to be honest, their ethnicities I associate myself with were never a major part of their livelihood when I visited them besides the food (even then...).
With almost no relations to my exterior family, being even further apart from them since I was in Canada and everyone living in other countries (I hardly knew them, so it didn't affect me as much), no full extent of being able to express myself in the native tongue (we were a bit upper north in Quebec, almost no English speakers) and no redeeming grades due to my inability to understand the language, I soon found myself in lack of pride, comfort and feeling of "fitting in" or part of a niche group.
Out of all the countries I am "a part of", I've only visited Switzerland and although I love the country and am a citizen there, I feel almost no relation or pride besides some niche "I'm neutral" cliches and stereotypes that are often jokes.
I feel in America, the cultures are a lot more centralized than Canada. Despite where I started, I soon found Montreal to be amazing where people with multiple backgrounds were fine and accepted as they are and not needing to fit into their "segregated groups" in universities or in the city itself.
I'm sorry that your experience wasn't as great, but I'm also happy that overall, the situation turned out for the best and reassured who you are and who you can identify with.
P.S: I don't know if my parents are immigrants or not. We never really talk or ask about their childhood or past.
Oh, you might like David Mathew's book: Ace of Spades.
http://www.amazon.ca/Ace-Spades-Memoir-David-Matthews/dp/0805081496
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Sounds to me like you're still a Japanese-American even if you don't call it that.
Growing up with Japanese parents, in a Japanese household, undoubtedly raised with Japanese[immigrant] values, and going to Japanese school you almost certainly retain Japanese tendencies in the present.
Sounds like you have a very negative view of the Japanese professional life, and from your very short and unexpanded explanation it seems to me that you are labelling yourself as an ' American ' only because you didn't assimilate into the Japanese professional culture.
Also if you don't have any very close friends who are Japanese and in tune with Japanese culture/heritage this will have a huge effect on you.
Myself, I am a Korean-American. I have distinctly Korean values/preferences on many things even though I was not explicitly taught these by my parents, and when I want to communicate my truest feelings they are often done in confidence [ or drunk ] in korean. I have not begun my professional career, but I have lived in Korea and visited many times. Just physically being in Korea feels right to me, whether its the city or the boonies and it makes me happy. This is my take on my korean-american-ness.
Edit:
Forgot to say something I think is pretty important. Asian-Americans look exactly that...asian-american... The vast majority of korean immigrant parents strongly teach their children to learn their language because it is shameful to look korean outwardly but have no knowledge at all of korean language or values. It's actually a common saying in korean amongst immigrants that if you look korean you should know korean. In America, people judge you based off how you look on first impressions. I, personally, would feel a bit silly telling someone that I'm simply ' American ' even if I really felt no connection to my korean heritage. It's like everyone in the room would be aware you're trying to make some statement about yourself without actually stating it.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 14:46 Polarexia wrote:
Very interesting read. Thanks for posting this.
Also as someone who also has two immigrant parents I see why you would want to be called just American. I think I would also but I feel like I'm not since I wasn't born here. I did move here when I was 5 and haven't been back since though. I hate these labels -_-
Thanks.
I think my own aversion to the phrase "xxxxx-American", is because I used to see myself that way in my younger years, and now that I have shifted dramatically towards the American side, it doesn't mesh with my own view of myself anymore.
===========================
>Torte de Lini
I guess it makes some sense that a person who has been more migrant over the years would have less of an affinity to one culture over another.
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I feel that the issue of identity in most asian-americans are somewhat distorted, or even lost. While I understand your views to some degree (I've never lived for a decent period of time in Korea), I don't know if you can say we're able to completely erase our native blood from who we are before American society, both literally of course, and figuratively. Don't get me wrong, I respect your viewpoint as simply an american, but I also think it's a bit...perhaps unhealthy, or detrimental to shun our ethnic roots. I don't know...it's just my thoughts growing up as an asian-american as well.
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On September 09 2011 14:54 Ack1027 wrote:
Sounds to me like you're still a Japanese-American even if you don't call it that.
Growing up with Japanese parents, in a Japanese household, undoubtedly raised with Japanese[immigrant] values, and going to Japanese school you almost certainly retain Japanese tendencies in the present.
Sounds like you have a very negative view of the Japanese professional life, and from your very short and unexpanded explanation it seems to me that you are labelling yourself as an ' American ' only because you didn't assimilate into the Japanese professional culture.
Also if you don't have any very close friends who are Japanese and in tune with Japanese culture/heritage this will have a huge effect on you.
Myself, I am a Korean-American. I have distinctly Korean values/preferences on many things even though I was not explicitly taught these by my parents, and when I want to communicate my truest feelings they are often done in confidence [ or drunk ] in korean. I have not begun my professional career, but I have lived in Korea and visited many times. Just physically being in Korea feels right to me, whether its the city or the boonies and it makes me happy. This is my take on my korean-american-ness.
Well, I guess this would fit in the other end of the spectrum.
I notice that most fall into either end, but find that it's hard to distinguish what falls in the middle...
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On September 09 2011 14:56 thedeadhaji wrote:Show nested quote +On September 09 2011 14:46 Polarexia wrote:
Very interesting read. Thanks for posting this.
Also as someone who also has two immigrant parents I see why you would want to be called just American. I think I would also but I feel like I'm not since I wasn't born here. I did move here when I was 5 and haven't been back since though. I hate these labels -_- Thanks. I think my own aversion to the phrase "xxxxx-American", is because I used to see myself that way in my younger years, and now that I have shifted dramatically towards the American side, it doesn't mesh with my own view of myself anymore. =========================== >Torte de Lini I guess it makes some sense that a person who has been more migrant over the years would have less of an affinity to one culture over another.
Do you have any appreciation or pride in your Japanese heritage despite your detachment from it identity-wise?
This is a great sociological topic!
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 14:54 Ack1027 wrote:
Sounds to me like you're still a Japanese-American even if you don't call it that.
Growing up with Japanese parents, in a Japanese household, undoubtedly raised with Japanese[immigrant] values, and going to Japanese school you almost certainly retain Japanese tendencies in the present.
Possibly, but trust me, these tendencies are much more subdued than 10 years ago. The rate of me speaking English has gone from 0% to about 30% over the last 10 years.
Sounds like you have a very negative view of the Japanese professional life, and from your very short and unexpanded explanation it seems to me that you are labelling yourself as an ' American ' only because you didn't assimilate into the Japanese professional culture.
I have a tremendously negative view of all group based Japanese interactions. This isn't isolated to the professional sphere. People's behaviors change dramatically when they act as a part of a defined group in Japan. They no longer act truly as themselves. This way of social interaction was suffocating.
Myself, I am a Korean-American. I have distinctly Korean values/preferences on many things even though I was not explicitly taught these by my parents, and when I want to communicate my truest feelings they are often done in confidence [ or drunk ] in korean. I have not begun my professional career, but I have lived in Korea and visited many times. Just physically being in Korea feels right to me, whether its the city or the boonies and it makes me happy. This is my take on my korean-american-ness.
When I try to communicate my deepest or most impulsive thoughts to my family, I compulsively speak in English. I can no longer "think on my feet" in Japanese. Combined with the nuclear situation in Japan, I don't plan to set foot in the country for at least 3 years and most likely more than 5.
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Thanks for sharing. Pretty interesting topic for me and good to see someone else's perspective that is a bit different from my own.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 15:01 Torte de Lini wrote:Show nested quote +On September 09 2011 14:56 thedeadhaji wrote:On September 09 2011 14:46 Polarexia wrote:
Very interesting read. Thanks for posting this.
Also as someone who also has two immigrant parents I see why you would want to be called just American. I think I would also but I feel like I'm not since I wasn't born here. I did move here when I was 5 and haven't been back since though. I hate these labels -_- Thanks. I think my own aversion to the phrase "xxxxx-American", is because I used to see myself that way in my younger years, and now that I have shifted dramatically towards the American side, it doesn't mesh with my own view of myself anymore. =========================== >Torte de Lini I guess it makes some sense that a person who has been more migrant over the years would have less of an affinity to one culture over another. Do you have any appreciation or pride in your Japanese heritage despite your detachment from it identity-wise? This is a great sociological topic!
I have great respect and admiration for traditional Japanese values, though I may not fit into it personally. I also have great respect for the previous generation who rebuilt the country from the ashes of WWII.
I have zero respect for modern youth norms in the country.
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Its weird how I never really considered myself Korean and always considered myself American/Korean-American but I find myself surprisingly really homesick and missing Korea right now.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 14:56 ilovezil wrote:
I feel that the issue of identity in most asian-americans are somewhat distorted, or even lost. While I understand your views to some degree (I've never lived for a decent period of time in Korea), I don't know if you can say we're able to completely erase our native blood from who we are before American society, both literally of course, and figuratively. Don't get me wrong, I respect your viewpoint as simply an american, but I also think it's a bit...perhaps unhealthy, or detrimental to shun our ethnic roots. I don't know...it's just my thoughts growing up as an asian-american as well.
I agree that it would be ridiculous to claim that I have zero Japanese influence in me. In fact, my American patriotism itself is heavily influenced by my most recent impressions and experiences in Japan.
From this discussion in this thread, I now think that my aversion to calling myself Japanese American is because I used to call myself this back when I was far more "Japanese" in my mental processes. Now that I am "less" Japanese, and having seen first hand that I do not fit into "Japan" at all, I feel that "Japanese"-American is a misnomer for me.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 15:03 Ack1027 wrote:
Thanks for sharing. Pretty interesting topic for me and good to see someone else's perspective that is a bit different from my own.
Our perspectives are shaped by our experiences. No two people's experiences will be the same, so it's natural that we'll have a difference of opinion.
It's a healthy discussion nonetheless.
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On September 09 2011 15:04 thedeadhaji wrote:Show nested quote +On September 09 2011 15:01 Torte de Lini wrote:On September 09 2011 14:56 thedeadhaji wrote:On September 09 2011 14:46 Polarexia wrote:
Very interesting read. Thanks for posting this.
Also as someone who also has two immigrant parents I see why you would want to be called just American. I think I would also but I feel like I'm not since I wasn't born here. I did move here when I was 5 and haven't been back since though. I hate these labels -_- Thanks. I think my own aversion to the phrase "xxxxx-American", is because I used to see myself that way in my younger years, and now that I have shifted dramatically towards the American side, it doesn't mesh with my own view of myself anymore. =========================== >Torte de Lini I guess it makes some sense that a person who has been more migrant over the years would have less of an affinity to one culture over another. Do you have any appreciation or pride in your Japanese heritage despite your detachment from it identity-wise? This is a great sociological topic! I have great respect and admiration for traditional Japanese values, though I may not fit into it personally. I also have great respect for the previous generation who rebuilt the country from the ashes of WWII. I have zero respect for modern youth norms in the country.
Sorry, I wasn't really questioning you like you did something wrong. More like a general inquiry about your culture, if you can relate or enjoy the things about japanese culture, its traditions etc.
I went to a Japanese festival recently (With the food, traditional dances and kimonos) and it was supreme. I think I have some pictures. No anime, no kawaiidesu garbage, just better part of Japan (in my opinion).
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infinity21
Canada6683 Posts
I think we are on a similar boat.
Value-wise, I may have some Korean beliefs but I'm much more accustomed to Canadian culture. I've always doubted that I would fit in very well in Korea. I'll never know for sure until I work there though!
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Nice read,
to quote Russel Peters (Comedian).
All my life I've been identifying myself as an Indian man. I'm always like, I'm Indian. What are you? I'm Indian. Where you from? I'm Indian. What do you mean, where am I from? I'm Indian. And then I realised something. I was born and raised in Canada. There's nothing Indian about me! The only thing Indian about me are my parents and my skin tone. That's it! Culturally, I'm not Indian at all.
I myself consider myself Canadian, but my roots are from Scotland, England, and the Ukraine, but I know nothing about those cultures other then reading about them(nothing I was raised with). So I just call myself a Canadian.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On September 09 2011 15:08 Torte de Lini wrote:Show nested quote +On September 09 2011 15:04 thedeadhaji wrote:On September 09 2011 15:01 Torte de Lini wrote:On September 09 2011 14:56 thedeadhaji wrote:On September 09 2011 14:46 Polarexia wrote:
Very interesting read. Thanks for posting this.
Also as someone who also has two immigrant parents I see why you would want to be called just American. I think I would also but I feel like I'm not since I wasn't born here. I did move here when I was 5 and haven't been back since though. I hate these labels -_- Thanks. I think my own aversion to the phrase "xxxxx-American", is because I used to see myself that way in my younger years, and now that I have shifted dramatically towards the American side, it doesn't mesh with my own view of myself anymore. =========================== >Torte de Lini I guess it makes some sense that a person who has been more migrant over the years would have less of an affinity to one culture over another. Do you have any appreciation or pride in your Japanese heritage despite your detachment from it identity-wise? This is a great sociological topic! I have great respect and admiration for traditional Japanese values, though I may not fit into it personally. I also have great respect for the previous generation who rebuilt the country from the ashes of WWII. I have zero respect for modern youth norms in the country. Sorry, I wasn't really questioning you like you did something wrong. More like a general inquiry about your culture, if you can relate or enjoy the things about japanese culture, its traditions etc. I went to a Japanese festival recently (With the food, traditional dances and kimonos) and it was supreme. I think I have some pictures. No anime, no kawaiidesu garbage, just better part of Japan (in my opinion).
No worries, and sorry if I came across that way. I was just answering frankly.
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EPT
