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On July 23 2011 05:25 obesechicken13 wrote:Show nested quote +On July 23 2011 02:26 Liquid`HuK wrote:
if not then I would say be there for her when she realizes what mistakes she has made. This may be a bit contrived, but I can't see her realizing her mistakes until it's far too late. Kids... marriage... broken homes. To be there for her then... what can he do? He'll be married or committed to someone himself. Just saying "I'll be there for her later" isn't doing anything.
There are plenty of ways you can "be there" for someone. My best friend, for instance, lives 1100 miles away. I "was there" for him last week when he called at 11pm in a cold panic. "Being there" could mean you put someone up, help take care of children, or give money, but in most cases it's just listening and giving your insight when they ask for it. When my friend called we talked for an hour about what was bothering him. An hour later he was fine. An open ear and a kind voice works wonders.
Show nested quote +On July 23 2011 02:32 KurtistheTurtle wrote:
you can't control her actions. by telling her honestly and exactly what you think, without judgement, you've done all you can. Giving your own advice is in my opinion unlikely to be successful and he can do more... I don't condone this... but you can probably manipulate her into leaving the guy. Hopefully get her to have an abortion if it's not too late. Until an abortion is an impossibility, you can't really say to yourself "well, that's all I can do, I talked to her for twenty minutes."
I'm going to be honest, this is the most terrible advice I've seen in the blog section. Kurtis is right - you CAN'T control someone. You can't change someone. Why would you betray their trust by manipulating them into something they probably wouldn't otherwise do? I don't care if it is in their best interest, she's an adult and you're not her parent! Would it be better if she wasn't with the guy and not pregnant? Yeah. But that's a fantasy world.
What do you want him to do, force her to admit the error of her ways? So you take this girl who's had a pretty rough time in life and betray her trust? I bet she doesn't give that out so easily, so you'd probably mess her up even more!
You're thinking about this WAY too rationally. OP described that she's clearly not in a state of mind that thinks rationally. You can't force her to completely derail and see your logic - you can only suggest it. Yeah, that can take place in a twenty minute conversation where she says no to everything. In that case, you've done all you can do without forcing her hand. What you're describing is tantamount to strapping a drug addict to a bed for a month and expecting it to cure their addiction...
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I think I got it now, I said my piece to her last night and I'm going to leave it at that until she initiates our next serious talk. Just had a brief talk with one of the three strongest people I know - my mom - and she remorselessly said that Andrea chose, and there's nothing more I can do. What I said last night would convince any rational person, I'm just going to have to gamble that it works on an insane person too.
Anyways, back to Skins!
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Some of you guys are missing one important aspect of this whole thing:
Andrea's childhood caused her to develop epilepsy from stress, and probably a severe case of OCD. The stress and OCD have pretty much defined her life, and it has given her crazy (but misguided) ambition.
Although the ODC part may be a guess on the TE's Part the epilepsy point is severe.
Most people kinda forget about the fact that there IS a Stigma on Epilepsy. And having a epileptic shock or even the fear of having one in the public can cause an ODC-like state which absolutely can cause a drift to older people.
I don't know if she had an e-shock in public or even if she got something like scorn or maybe considered an outsider because of the epilepsy but I would say that: She drank and partied with me and my friends, and everyone knew her to be almost too outgoing and a crazy good time. may be an indicator for an defensive-reaction in the fashion of "Look at me! I'm not crazy or dangerous at all!"
That would explain the shift from the "normal" life of the Youth to the adult scene and her drive to get there as fast as possible. I know that people at a young age can be extremly rude and insulting when confronted with people or things they don't quite understand. Adults are most of the time more understanding.
If that is in fact the case I agree with Huk in the "Talk to her" - Part. Talk about it and find out if that may be indeed part of the problem. If so then she might need to see a real therapist or psychologist . That could maybe help her out.
But one way or the other ... to me it sounds like a bad childhood combined with fear of her epilepsy which caused her to find the "solution" of making herself older to escape from the people who insulted her or could possibly insult her... and THAT fellow is a tough pill to swallow.
I suggest you should really consider your "Rescuemission" because that can be hard and your focus an the sex-part several time make me doubt that you'll do it for the right reasons.
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Nono that's wrong about the epilepsy.
The epilepsy was only childhood onset epilepsy as a direct result of her stress. I don't know if she was stigmatized in her own family or not, but Andrea has not had a seizure in all the time that I've known her (since 2003?), and she said herself that she hasn't had one since recently after the divorce. She's probably had less than 5 seizures in her life.
Still, her OCD makes her worry about having seizures occasionally. If you make a *click* sound with your mouth, Andrea compulsively swallows a gulp of air because she thinks it cures a seizure, which she associates the *click* sound. It's a ritual; THIS is crazy. The OCD is the real problem.
There was this one BEP song that she liked last summer, and she listened to it for a good few hours on loop.
Like I said, I'm just going to wait and see for now. This isn't my problem to worry about. Seriously, right now I care more about what's happening to Naomi and Emily's relationship in Season 4 than what happens with this.
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I'm glad that, once she cheated on you, this changed from a story about a guy loving a girl to a guy caring about a girl, but moving on with his life.
Beyond the cheating - she may have some obvious quirks and behavioral issues, but if the older guy she's with cares about her at all, you'd do more harm than good by trying to open her eyes to what you see as her rushing through her life now that she's pregnant. There's no turning back for her, and her life is no longer about who she's sleeping with, dating or engaged to. If she has this baby, that's what her life will have to revolve around and it'd be infinitely harder to handle on her own. If she's planning to keep the baby, do her and yourself a favor and either forget about her and move on, or be supportive of whatever positives you can find in her.
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Glad to hear that you are doing well after these series of unfortunate events. The way I see it, this story conveys to readers that you have matured as a person by having the courage to post this as well as asking for advice when you don't have an idea to approach the problem.
In my opinion, time heals wounds only if you put the mind and effort into healing them. You said it yourself that time is against her. I feel that this is somehow wrong, because you are putting your mind and effort into helping her. Continue to keep up with her and know how she is doing. There will be a moment when she realizes that her life has gone array and you will be there to support her. But do not let this distract you from your own life and your own dreams. Don't put too much effort or you'll end up suffering from regret or depression and don't put too much thought into it or you'll really go crazy over her.
All in all, life is not only composed of just happiness; there will be times when you'll feel sadness, depressed, regret, and many other sorts of feelings. Just remember to live life to the fullest and continue to help her, but also help yourself. It's great to be selfless, but don't forget that you are also living a life too.
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To be brutally honest, it's time to just let her go. There is nothing you can do to change a lifetimes worth of nurture. Even when she comes back to you for help, you have to make it clear that you aren't there for her anymore. Otherwise she'll fuck with your mind and keep you around forever.
Just let her go.
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Andrea's soul is beyond the reach of any mortal's benevolent touch. Flee from such, lest your own altruism becomes the harness that drags you into her oblivion
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I don't really see it.
She got away from her (according to you) bad situation at home, she got out of a destructive relationship with you (sex and drinking? Not what I'd call ideal), she found someone she loves and is considering marrying and she's having a baby. Sounds like a Cinderella story to me. Hollywood would eat this shit up.
Oh, then there's the identity crisis, still talking to you (the ex), the lies and the cheating but thats...circumstantial. 
It's all in the way you view the world I guess. I think you're both better off without the other. Good luck with everything!
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Feels like she got it all wrong. Doing well doesn't mean finding a random normal spouse and getting a sort of decent family ASAP. Means having the choice to not take one, means independence, means waiting and living your life. But oh well, if getting married with a random father figure is her idea of breaking away from her old family issues ...
All you can do is hope she listens. Not really worth more.
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Whoa.
I reckon you should move on... first you should do what huk said - point out that this is very serious and could end your relationship with her. Then figure out what to do...
I don't think she understands how important you were to her. This bs about her going to another man obviously means she is trying to hang onto you for situations where necessary.
But, all in all, we're just people on the internet - dont let us determine your decisions. Do what you believe in!
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Thanks for sharing the story, was quite a read to start the morning for me.
Enough advices and suggestions already so I'll just leave it there. I'm sure the lessons and experiences made you a more "complete" person and you'll be more than just fine.
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If you truly love and want her, go get her. Let nothing stop you. But, if you don't and believe that your life would be better, get the hell out of this mess. If she really has the problems you stated the best for her is to go to a therapist (if you still want to be with her) or just leave her alone with the guy.
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EPT
