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Alright TL. I know that the blogs section has been inundated with girl advice questions, and that some of you may find them repetitive. All I can say is of course they are repetitive! Love problems are probably the oldest reason for emotional distress, and the core reason behind these problems is (generally) always the same: want girl, what do? I happen to know though that many members of this community love to help each other out when such problems arise. I wouldn’t be sharing this with you if I did not think that I would receive sincere advice.
On with it I suppose. A warning: this is rather long.
I went to a Christmas party awhile back, and a friend of mine (who will be referred to as Chuck) ended up bringing some of his roommates who happened to be girls (let’s call them May and June). We were introduced, and I ended up talking to the girls for a decent amount of time. I realized very quickly that I was really attracted to June. I knew quite a few people at the party, so I left the girls alone after awhile to socialize. Later in the night I confided in a close friend (he shall be known as Ted) that I had a crush on June. Nothing became of that night, but I knew after then that I absolutely had to get to know her better.
I texted Chuck later in the week, and asked him about the status of June. He seemed enthused that I was interested, and he proposed that I come hang out at his place after the Christmas break (2-3 weeks).
Flash forward to last Friday. Chuck invites me to come over and hang out with him, Ted, and his roommates before heading to a bar to see some bands play. I knew June would be there, so I was really excited for the coming night. I arrive a little late; we chill and listen to some music, and have some drinks. I realize more and more with every word that June says that I am falling for her. I notice that she is texting quite a bit, at a rate usually reserved for inter-relationship conversations. My fears are proven when she makes a mention of her boyfriend, and my heart plummets into my stomach. Of course she has a boyfriend (and why didn’t Chuck tell me?). Hiding my disappointment (barring some glances at Chuck that mean “WTF man?”), I trudge on with the night with altered expectations. Beer, shots and live music with friends... it’ll still be a great night, right?
It was. We head over to the bar, get some beers and find a good spot to chill and listen to the music. The band is a group of guys with a violin, guitar, banjo and upright bass, playing some good old fashioned folk music. Everyone in the place is having a great time, including the band, who are playing with great big smiles on their faces. It is hard to fully recall the following sequence of events, but it went something like this:
To my surprise, June gives me a kiss on the cheek, and tells me with a shrug that Chuck told her to do it. This leads to us dancing, sort of waltzing, along to the music hand in hand. The song ends and we are standing there face to face. She leans in, and I just go for it. Suddenly, against all my expectations (and ethics), I am sharing a kiss with June on the dance floor, surrounded by her roommates who are looking on completely shocked by what is happening. We kept kissing. It was great. She says to me, “I like you”, and I reply, “I like you too”. Her roommate May comes and takes her away to the ladies’ room, and I am left standing with Chuck and Ted wondering what the hell is going to happen. The guys tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it, and to take it for what it was and nothing more. June, May, and Chuck leave. I go with Ted to get some drunk food and try to sort out my head.
This is where things left off. I haven’t seen June, or Chuck for that matter, since that night. I’ve spent the last few days completely distracted by the memory of that night, even losing sleep over it. The issue lies with the dissonance between what I want and what I think is right. I want to pursue this; I like her and I am ecstatic that I had that moment with her. The other side of the coin is that I swore to myself that I would never be “that guy”. If I was her boyfriend in this situation, how would I feel? My friends gave me the best advice they could: to appreciate what happened but not think into it too much, but I just can’t stop myself from wondering what can become of this. Would that have happened if her relationship with her boyfriend was going well? I can’t make that assumption. I have no idea what to do.
The biggest issues I have with the situation:
-I don’t have her number, nor do I have her on facebook. I don’t know if it would be appropriate to try to contact her.
-I have no idea what I would do if I saw her in the street.
-What if it was all alcohol and hormones? What if she doesn’t even remember the night?
-I barely know her, so even if she does have some feelings for me I don’t think that it is enough to have her make any changes in her life.
I hate the moral problem I have here. I don’t tend to meet girls I like very often. My few relationship prospects for the past three years have either ended in cringe-worthy awkwardness, or with the girl being taken. I’m tired of putting my own feelings on hold due to the presence of a boyfriend.
So TL, if you have patiently endured the wall of text above, what are your thoughts on my situation?
TL;DR : I kissed a girl I have feelings for while we were both drunk, but she is spoken for. I have reason to believe she likes me as well.
Update Feb. 7:
I was walking home today and I ran into Chuck and his girlfriend. Of course, who happens to walk by as I was talking with them, but June. Chuck’s girlfriend called her over to say hi. We didn’t greet each other, and only made eye contact for a split second. She seemed to be in a hurry, and left as soon as she could. This of course did nothing to lift my spirits, but Chuck was all smiles with me and told me that she had said she likes me. I’m meeting up with Chuck soon to get more details.
I am not justifying anything here, but I should add that in my initial questioning of Chuck as to whether or not June was taken, his exact words were "No not really". What this means I have yet to find out. It leads me to believe that her relationship is relatively new. This has little bearing on the circumstances, in fact it may even be worse.
  
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a wise man once said that if you chase a girl with no boyfriend, then you are competing with all the men in the world, but if you are chasing a girl with a boyfriend, you're competing against only one man.
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Calgary25954 Posts
A wiser man also said once a cheater always a cheater.
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You need more information man. Try to get in contact with your roommates again. Don't try to see June, just hang around with Chuck. Sooner or later you will meet June again, establish somekind of relationship and then you can see where it leads.
If you ask me this looks like it might take some time.
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On February 08 2011 03:24 mOnion wrote:
a wise man once said that if you chase a girl with no boyfriend, then you are competing with all the men in the world, but if you are chasing a girl with a boyfriend, you're competing against only one man.
Thats quite true! :p
There is another saying though, once a cheater always a cheater. Would you trust her not to kiss other guys, like she kissed you while still in another relationship, if you end up dating her? I guess it all comes down to what you want I guess, if you are looking for some good times with no strings attached , I'd say go for it. If you are thinking about a serious relationship, I would at least keep in mind how she kind of started with you before ending her current relationship.
I assume you are in your early twenties from what you wrote about room mates, I have friends at that age who doesn't even think twice before starting affairs with girls committed to other guys, so kudos to you for thinking it through like this
Good luck either way!
Edit: Aww, I see Chill allready beat me to it, while I was writing my reply!
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On February 08 2011 03:29 Chill wrote:
A wiser man also said once a cheater always a cheater.
This. So you get her...and she's kissing other guys behind your back too. Doesn't sound like much fun to me!
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Don't feel bad about this at all. I went to visit my cousin for a month last year to ski and was with a girl who had been with another guy for the past 3 years. She ended up breaking it off with him and even though she knew I was only there for a month. We still chat and she says she's really fortunate I came along because she didn't realize how unhappy she was before.
Basically, if she's kissing you its because she's attracted to you and her relationship with this other dude probably isn't that great. You should definitely go for this, men have been stealing each others women from the beginning of time, its just what naturally happens.
If I were you I would grab her number from a mutual friend and be casual about it, don't even mention her boyfriend or the other night (this would probably be awkward). Invite her to do something that doesn't sound like its a date (no dinner, movies, etc.) where you can be alone with her. I'd suggest skiing, biking, smoking some weed, whatever you're into. Just have fun and see what happens. You may have to wait for her to break up with this guy before she does anything serious with you so I wouldn't have too high expectations from this right now.
Good luck, keep us posted!
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On February 08 2011 03:29 Chill wrote:
A wiser man also said once a cheater always a cheater.
This whole thread should just a quote train of this
it is the golden rule of dating, and it becomes 100x more relevant if your were an accessory to the cheating. What's she gonna do the next time she meets someone that catches her eye?
as for feeling bad.... hell naw, unless you know the dude. That's a problem between him and her
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On February 08 2011 03:24 mOnion wrote:
a wise man once said that if you chase a girl with no boyfriend, then you are competing with all the men in the world, but if you are chasing a girl with a boyfriend, you're competing against only one man.
I like "The chicken that is tied down is easier to catch" better.
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Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score.
/I don't actually follow this philsophy, by the way.
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Continue to hang out with Chuck, and just sort of have your presence around. If June's interested, you'll know pretty quickly.
edit: oh and be nice to May *without* getting flirty.
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Even if you hook up with her, her friends clearly won't approve. Without the approval of her friends, any kind of relationship would crash and burn.
You said you barely know her. Just cut your losses and move on. There are billions of other women out there in the world, I'm certain if you look around a bit more you'll find one that's right for you.
Oh, and never take a drunken kiss as the real thing. She left right afterward - her friends must have talked some sense into her, otherwise she would have come back to the party.
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she kissed you behind her boyfriends back. you could be the next boyfriend she cheats on. pass.
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Moral issue? You're not the one with a boyfriend. This is June's moral issue.
For you this is a practical issue. And the practical response is - pursue June if you want to fuck June, find a different girl if you want a monogamous relationship.
And do not let yourself imagine you're in love with someone you've met for like three hours. Three hours = acquaintance.
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On February 08 2011 04:34 Severedevil wrote:
Moral issue? You're not the one with a boyfriend. This is June's moral issue.
For you this is a practical issue. And the practical response is - pursue June if you want to fuck June, find a different girl if you want a monogamous relationship.
Hmph, it is also his issue... Like much used example, if you see someone injured on street you should help him though you didn't injury him.
Also, OP I'm pretty sure she also remembers what happened that night, if you do aswell.
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Sounds like material for a one night stand. I wouldn't look too deep into a relationship if she is willing to cheat on her current boyfriend.
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Don't pursue it any further. You'll find someone else. I was put into a similar situation and it turned into a shitstorm (and I really mean SHITSTORM.) You don't want any of that. Wait until she's single if you have to but don't mess around with stuff like that.
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you need to find out more of the variables involved. yeah she cheated on her bf but we don't know whats going on there. I've cheated on a gf of over a year before but it was only because I knew the relationship was over and I would never cheat on a girl that I was really serious about. Maybe she's in a relationship thats in its decline.
Either way if your friends with her roomate you don't have him on FB? Getting ahold of someone isn't too difficult if you are really motivated. So simple response is get in contact with her and find out more about the situation before involving any moral qualms.
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I don’t have her number, nor do I have her on facebook. I don’t know if it would be appropriate to try to contact her.
BS. Don't add confusion to the matter just to get what you want.
Plus, she cheated on him, she'll cheat on you.
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EPT
