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I am writing this essay to ask that I am allowed to stay and continue my education in the College of Engineering. The reason that I need to make this request is because I did not do my coursework thus unable to produce the satisfactory grades in my critical tracking courses.
However, I haven't always had such problems with my schoolwork. In high school, I made excellent grades with minimum effort. I did neither study nor paid attention in class. The times spent in and out of school were used to socialize and play games. And yet I made the grades with bad academic habits. I had no idea, however, how lacking my habits were, despite it producing satisfactory result. It was ignorant of me to assume my poor high school habits were sufficient enough to get me by in a college environment.
I want to be an aerospace engineer. I love to help people, and that is what engineers do; they help people by making their lives better and easier. I want to be an engineer because that is who I am. I want to major as an aerospace engineer particularly because I have always been fascinated by that subject, the science of flying, ever since I was little. As a child, I rarely understood the terminology or the context whenever I read a book about aerospace. But it didn't matter if it made no sense, because it was related to aerospace thus I was content. Here I am as a student of College of Engineer in the University of Florida trying to be my childhood dream.
I am writing this essay because it would be devastating to me to have to give up on my engineering aspirations because of bad habits that I, in my ignorance and immaturity, carried over from high school. The past year and half have shown me what sort of effort higher education demands and it exceeded my expectations. . But I have learned that lesson. I now understand that college is hard work, that it demands more sacrifice and longer hours than I had given it credit for. I now know what a true educational institute demands. And so what I am asking is that you give me the opportunity to demonstrate to you that I have learned that lesson and that I won't repeat the same mistakes I have made up to this point.
I am taking all the precautions to ensure this does not happen again. I revised my schedule more structured to prevent me procrastinating. I revised it by drastically reducing the amount of time on areas that are not vital or related to school work (games, social events etc…) down to 10-15 hours a week. The majority of the time will be used to focus on classes based on credits (2 hours per credit) in order to keep up with class work and avoid being overloaded. To ensure this, I have asked my parents to reduce funding spending money, asked my roommates (who have agreed) to regularly check on me that I am following my hours and I’ll have a family friend visit me once a week to keep my parents updated. I’ll be making multiple appointments at the Counseling and Wellness Center to get some help of getting rid of my poor academic habits. I will also be attending in the Academic Recovery workshop to learn the necessary skills form a good habit to replace. While participating and getting help I’ll be keeping in touch with Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew (and you if you wish) about my status biweekly.
I understand that college helps people pursue their dreams, but it provides the education only to those that are worthy and determined. I understand now what it takes to make it through college. And I know that I am able to do this. Despite the bad start, running behind schedule and risking not receiving a degree, I still want to be an aerospace engineer. I ask that you allow to stay and give me the opportunity to show I am qualified to receive its fine education and degree.
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BAM. Now we're cooking.
I'm going to go ahead and edit this for grammar and style. Then I will repost it here in the thread. You can read over it again as well and see if there's anything that didn't come out or didn't come out right. But I think this is getting to be a pretty solid piece. Good work.
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OK, this is my edit:
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I am writing this essay to ask that you allow me to stay and continue my education in the College of Engineering. The reason that I need to make this request is because I did not do my coursework, which meant I was unable to produce satisfactory grades in my critical tracking courses.
I haven't always had such problems with my schoolwork, however. In high school, I made excellent grades with minimal effort. I neither studied nor paid attention in class. The time I spent in and out of school were used to socialize and play games. And yet, despite these bad academic habits, I made the grades. I had no idea, in fact, how lacking my habits were because they produced satisfactory results. In college, I just (ignorantly) assumed that my poor high school habits were sufficient to get me by.
I want to be an aerospace engineer. That is what I have always wanted to be since I was little. I want to be an engineer because that is who I am. I love to help people, and that is what engineers do: they help people by making their lives better and easier. I wish to major as an aerospace engineer particularly because I have always been fascinated by that subject, the science of flying. As a child, I read books on aerospace engineering. Of course I rarely understood the terminology or the context whenever I read those books, but it didn't matter if it made no sense to me at all because it was related to aerospace. And here I am as a student of the College of Engineering in the University of Florida trying to attain my childhood dream.
And now I am writing this essay because it would be devastating to me to have to give up on my engineering aspirations because of the bad habits that I, in my ignorance and immaturity, carried over from high school. The past year and half have shown me what sort of effort higher education demands, and it exceeded my expectations. It has been a rude awakening. But I have learned that lesson. I now understand that college is hard work, that it demands more sacrifice and longer hours than I had given it credit for. I now know what a true educational institute demands. And so what I am asking is that you give me the opportunity to demonstrate to you that I have learned that lesson and that I won't repeat the same mistakes I have made up to this point.
I am taking all the precautions that I can think of to ensure this does not happen again. I revised my schedule to prevent me from procrastinating. I revised it by drastically reducing, down to about 10 to 15 hours a week, the amount of time I spend in areas that are not vital or related to school work (games, social events, etc.). That way I can use the majority of my time to focus on classes, to keep up with my class work and avoid being overloaded. To help me refocus, I have first of all asked my parents to reduce the amount of spending money they provide me with so that I won’t be able to maintain my current social pace even if I want to. I have also tried to establish accountability with people that I can trust. My roommates have agreed to regularly check that I am following my hours, and I have arranged to have a friend of the family visit me weekly to keep my parents updated. I’m looking for help from the university as well. I’ll be making multiple appointments at the Counseling and Wellness Center to get help ridding myself of my poor academic habits. I will also be attending the Academic Recovery workshop If you can add dates here (when you’ll be attending) it will sound stronger to learn how to form good habits to replace them. While participating in these programs and getting help, I’ll be keeping in touch with Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew (and you, if you so wish) about my progress biweekly.
I have always understood that college helps people pursue their dreams, but now I understand that it provides that education only to those who are worthy and determined. I understand now what it takes to make it through college. And I know that I am able to do this. Despite the bad start, the running behind schedule, the risk of not receiving a degree, I still want to be an aerospace engineer. What I ask is that you allow me to stay and give me the opportunity to show I am, after all, qualified to receive this fine education and degree. Thank you for your consideration.
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I'll check back this evening to see if you've got any other questions or if you (or our fellow teamliquidians, who can offer quality insight on such matters) want any further revisions. I'll give it another look-see then, as well, to make sure we've cleaned up all the little nit-pitcky commas and periods and whatnot. But, as far as I'm concerned, this is getting to the point where I would feel good about you turning it in. I think it states your case well.
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Yah that last re-edit is a lot better, though I still think you should add one sentence that says explicitly "I should be allowed to continue at this institution because 'x'." Again you really want the essay to boil down to 1 sentence and everything else be supporting that. So is it that you want to help people? You should be a doctor then, or a police officer. You're gonna have to make it even more airtight than that, because if I didn't have an original inclination to let you stay, I could pick that thing apart and send your ass right out the door.
You're going to have to pick a really damn good reason and shove it down the reader's throat.
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Without any extenuating circumstances, the likelyhood of a third chance is slim. Is there anything that happened that was out of your control that was documented such as a death in the family or emotional problems that caused you to do poorly? That's your best chance in my opinion.
The school is not going to give you a third chance just because you didn't study hard enough and promise to do better. (I could be wrong though.)
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On January 02 2011 17:58 Empyrean wrote:
EDIT: This is actually quite an interesting discussion. I'm going to open a thread tomorrow in the General Forum where we can discuss this further, since it's now four am and I'd really like to go to sleep >_>
EDIT2: Many people, from your parents to HULKAMANIA, have invested money and time in order to help you succeed. To fall back into your old habits would be doing a disservice not only to them, but to yourself.
Yeah, the concept of education is a rather interesting topic. Good idea to make a thread in general about it. I was going to... but I always get too scared that what I'm posting isn't interesting enough so I made a blog about it.
On the topic of your second edit Empryean, using guilt has never helped me to work harder. I used procrastination to escape that guilt. If the OP is anything like me, then using unreliable emotions is not the way to do it.
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On topic:
"I am writing this essay" is unnecessary. The reader should know this is an introduction and the introduction should always begin with the main point.
Here's how I would write your introduction.
+ Show Spoiler +Coming to college has been a difficult transition for me. I now realize that I can't excel in my coursework without dedicated effort. By holding myself accountable to my friends, the academic clubs and resources available, and to yourselves (did you say the two people you were addressing were both counselors? If so you can say "to yourselves, my esteemed counselors) I can guarantee that I will not fail again.
You don't say "I made excellent grades" or "with minimum effort" or "I did neither"
The correct idiomatic usage is
"I earned excellent grades without trying hard"
The "with minimum effort" is ambiguous as to what you are describing, and people don't make grades, they receive or earn them.
"I neither" is vastly superior to "I did neither".
The second paragraph could be summarized as "My high school did not prepare me with the skills needed to succeed in College. I think the specific details you added are fine, just make sure that they all support this point.
You should work on transitions. Don't force them too much. Just have one transition sentence from one paragraph to the next.
10-15 hours a week for social events shouldn't be included. I talked to my major's counselor about how I felt engineering didn't offer me the time to have fun with my friends, or to go to parties. She responded "Well did you come to University to have fun or to get an education."
If you're serious about this... don't give up!
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EPT
