ok so I'm gonna make this short as possible: I screwed up in college...again. As a consequence I will be kicked out of my college thus having to re-choose my major that is non engineering. After long pondering, I have decided I'm pulling an all-in rush. I have spoken with many advisors and was told write a one page PERSUASIVE essay as to why I should be reconsidered and allow to stay one more time (emphasis on tangible changes that show what has changed. HUGE EMPHASIS). They want the essay to be based on what I have changed. So...I need you guys mostly to help with my grammar (that is my weakest part). Obviously if something should be revised to make it sound better then please go for it. This is very important to me and yes I know I shouldn't have screwed up but yea... thanks for help.
This is my story/proxy dt all-in: As you’re well aware, I was unable to meet the requirements during my probation in the University of Florida. The resulting consequences will force me to withdraw from the College of Engineering and choose a different major. I write this plea against me being removed and ask that I am allowed to stay in order to continue my major as an engineer. The past year and a half I have made some terrible decisions that have caused me to violate my academic probation.
However, the good part is that I know it is my fault, thus I need to change myself in order to see a better result. Knowing this, and my future being threatened, I have been actively searching for help to reform my ways and stick to new principles. To help improve my study and work habits, I have revised my schedule by drastically reducing the amount of time on areas that are not vital or related to school work (games, social events, etc.) down to 10-15 hours a week. The majority of the time will be used to focus on classes based on credits (2 hours per credit) in order to keep up with class work and avoid being overloaded. To ensure this, I have asked my parents to reduce funding into my account, asked my roommates (who have agreed) to regularly check to make sure I follow my hours and I will have a family friend visit me once a week to keep my parents updated. Also, I will utilize University's help resources much more when the need for help arises (offices hours, Broward tutoring zone, libraries for studying, etc.) and keeping in touch with Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew (and you if you wish) about my status biweekly.
With Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew’s assistance, I was able to find more help to show some tangible changes. I’ve opted in the Academic Recovery program to help improve my studying skills and find peers that I can study with who are determined as I am. Also, throughout the semester I will make multiple individual appointments at the Counselling and Wellness Center as to learn why I did poorly in the past in order to keep it from happening in the future. My roommates and the family friend have agreed to ensure I don’t skip any of the meetings or stop making regular appointments.
I have put much thought and considered if there were other options. After enough consideration, I’m certain I still want to be an engineer. I want to pursue this major because the idea and concept is based on who I am. I love solving problems by critical thinking and doing so in innovative ways. Most importantly I love to help people, and that is what engineers do; they help people by making their lives better and easier. I humbly ask that you give me one more chance and allow me to show that my past decisions are not a reflection of my academic capabilities nor my character.
The University of Florida’s academic clause states that if a student is unable to pass a critical tracking course within two attempts or make satisfactory grades,(comma not necessary) during their probation period, they are to be withdrawn out("withdrawn out" is redundant)of their college. As you are well aware, I was unable to meet the (take out "the")said requirements during my probation in the University of Florida. The resulting consequences will force me to withdraw from the College of Engineering and choose a different major.
I write this (insert word: plea?)Dr. Carroll as a petition("petition" is a word typically associated with many people signing a paper in defiance to authority. This word makes your tone sound bossy when it should come off softer.) against being withdrawn (use "removed" instead) and ask that I am allowed to stay in order to continue my chosen major as an aerospace engineer. I know that the probation period was my “redemption” period and I failed it. The past year and a half I have made some terrible decisions that have placed(Your odd phrasing of this sentence make it sound like "the decisions" put you in this predicament instead of your own actions. I also wouldn't use the word "unnecessary") me in this unnecessary situation.
I wasted my time playing games, hanging with friends or doing anything that avoided schoolwork. Worst part is that all of this is my fault. I just kept procrastinating from schoolwork and I keep making time when I don’t have any. I am unmotivated for unknown reasons despite the fact I should be(I would refrain from saying you don't know why you aren't motivated). However, the good part is that I know it is my fault thus I need to change myself to see better result. Knowing this and my future being threatened, I will actively keep searching for help to reform my ways and stick to new principles(This would be a good time to say something about specific and tangible ways you plan to reform your ways). Working harder and having better time managements being my ultimate goal(sentence fragment).
However, I understand that you may be skeptical (insert word: with) what I have to say. My recent decisions have left my word… powerless. What I have to say, my promises, may have no meaning to you. Because actions speak louder than words, I have proactively searched for help to show tangible changes have occurred and that I am making progress to my reformation.
With the kind help from Dr. Lindner she was able to show some available resources I could take advantage of. I was able to get some information about the time management and the engineering success workshops available. Also, I took her advice and taken the liberty to make an individual appointment at the Care Wellness Center to further investigate as to why I have been unmotivated for the past year and a half.(You've looked into why you haven't been motivated but have you done anything to show (besides just going to an appointment) you're on the road to recovery?)
I have spoken with Ms. Mayhew and opted into her Academic Recovery program. The program specializes in helping improve study skills and peer tutoring to help keep me liable to finish my work on time. This program synchronizes very well with the Care Wellness Center considering while I am trying to shed some light on my unmotivated work habits the program will help keep me stay on track.(awkward phrasing)
I hope that these tangible changes and my most recent actions show I am truly sincere about changing my ways. This has all been a good learning experience showing you can’t simply “coast” through college like in high school, and that I am in the “big league” now. I humbly ask that you give me one more chance and allow me to show that my past decisions are not a reflection of my academic capabilities and my character.
I hate to be blunt, but your writing is very weak. If you seriously plan to become an aerospace engineer(or attain any high level job) you need to become a proficient writer because communicating effectively through writing is an invaluable and necessary skill.
On January 02 2011 05:23 Karliath wrote: Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay.
sorry i just re-edited original post.
So I have spoken to actually numerous advisors and associate deans and what not. What they want was TANGIBLE changes. Evidence (HUGE EMPHASIS).
So when I spoke with Dr. Carroll (he is advisor, apparently the man who decides my fate) stated to go talk to Mayhew. She essentially told me to write I was gonna be in her program (academic stuff).
The associate dean, Lindner, and I have spoken. Apparently she is close to Dr. Carroll and she respects me (told her how its my fault etc etc.) and am admirable person. They both want to help me.
the essay is pretty much where I want it. Mostly I just need to polish it up. Yes I realize the material is weak (evidence) but...this was all that was given to me...so I guess I should be fine?
On January 02 2011 05:23 Karliath wrote: Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay.
agreed
also, instead of saying how you kept procrastinating, tell how you'll avoid it next time if you are allowed to stay.
My persuasion on why I should stay essentially come from me stating what I have done (by showing im sincere of changing my ways i will go to all those workshops and what not).
Thankfully, I have never needed to write such a letter, but I feel that yours is very, very weak. You did not provide enough justifications as to why you should be allowed to stay in your program despite your failure to meet the requirements. Also, your writing style is very informal and filled with punctuation mistakes. You should try to make this essay more forceful, to show your determination.
At the same time, I feel that their decision is probably independent of your letter. The fact that they are willing to let you convince them tells me that you'll probably scrape by, once again.
I know UF has a writing help center located at broward hall, where you can bring your essay to english graduate students and let them help you edit it. If you're serious about making this essay polished I would suggest going there. With all due respect, comments on here may or may not be helpful since it come come from anyone regardless of writing experience. Regardless of what you decide, good luck .
I think the question is why do you want to go into engineering so badly? If it was that important for you why did you not pass the second time. Instead of doing an all in rush that seems like it won't work, why not just stop, take a break and think long and hard about your future. I'm not a big fan of sudden big changes because its only sustained by a manic state. Once it wears off and you burn out you're going to be in the same situation as you were or even worse. The question is during the second attempt, did you do anything differently?
I'm saying this because I was on academic probation too last semester so I was in the same situation as you. You have to give them a reason to believe in you. Such as improvement in grades, etc. Its hard to make sudden changes and they know that too, but if there is not even a slight improvement in your grades or study habits they have no reason to trust you. What you are making are promises in your essays which they say you should not mention. Promises of going to workshops that didn't occur yet or may not ever occur. Anyone can make plans but you have to be able to follow on them. And I'm not saying just going 1 or 2 times then you stop going to them. You can have all the help in the world but its useless if you don't put in the hours yourself to study.
The University of Florida’s academic clause states that if a student is unable to pass a critical tracking course within two attempts or make satisfactory grades, during their probation period, they are to be withdrawn out of their college. As you are well aware, I was unable to meet the said requirements during my probation in the University of Florida. The resulting consequences will force me to withdraw from the College of Engineering and choose a different major.
As someone already mentioned, this section is useless and a waste of space.
I write this Dr. Carroll as a petition against being withdrawn and ask that I am allowed to stay to continue my chosen major as an aerospace engineer. I know that the probation period was my “redemption” period and I failed it. The past year and a half I have made some terrible decisions that have placed me in this unnecessary situation.
I don't like the quotation marks. Say something along the lines of "the probation period was place in effect for me to reaffirm you my academic potential" (okay this sucks too, but something like this).
I wasted my time playing games, hanging with friends or doing anything that avoided schoolwork. Worst part is that all of this is my fault. I just kept procrastinating from schoolwork and I keep making time when I don’t have any. I am unmotivated for unknown reasons despite the fact I should be.
This part is completely unnecessary. This section broke your essay for me: it left me with the impression that you were a complete screw up, and should not be given a second chance, despite what you said later.
However, the good part is that I know it is my fault thus I need to change myself to see better result. Knowing this and my future being threatened, I will actively keep searching for help to reform my ways and stick to new principles. Working harder and having better time managements being my ultimate goal.
This is a decent opener, you should immediately back this up with actions you have taken or plan to take.
However, I understand that you may be skeptical what I have to say. My recent decisions have left my word… powerless. What I have to say, my promises, may have no meaning to you. Because actions speak louder than words, I have proactively searched for help to show tangible changes have occurred and that I am making progress to my reformation.
The first part is ridiculous. Even if he wasn't skeptical, he would be now.
With the kind help from Dr. Lindner she was able to show some available resources I could take advantage of. I was able to get some information about the time management and the engineering succdess workshops available. Also, I took her advice and taken the liberty to make an individual appointment at the Care Wellness Center to further investigate as to why I have been unmotivated for the past year and a half.
I have spoken with Ms. Mayhew and opted in her Academic Recovery program. The program specializes in helping improve study skills and peer tutoring to help keep me liable to finish my work on time. This program synchronizes very well with the Care Wellness Center considering while I am trying to shed some light on my unmotivated work habits the program will help keep me stay on track.
You are again explaining basic things to him, he's probably more informed than you are. Talk about what you plan to do specifically, instead of telling him that these things are available.
You mentioned that you mentioned this lady who showed you some information, and you booked one session and they made some investigations. And then what? What did you take home from that session. What makes you different from before?
You are "trying to shed some light"? By this point, you should've found out exactly what your problems are already.
This is a good place to outline some tangible goals.
I hope that these tangible changes and my most recent actions show I am truly sincere about changing my ways. This has all been a good learning experience showing you can’t simply “coast” through college like in high school, and that I am in the “big league” now. I humbly ask that you give me one more chance and allow me to show that my past decisions poorly reflect my academic capabilities and myself.
Get rid of the quotation marks, and rewrite this section.
You also have a lot of spelling and punctuation errors, fix those too.
On a more important note... are you on the CSL team? You should be :D
As far as your essay goes, don't waste space writing about the stuff you screwed up with in the past--they know you fucked up, you don't have to remind them. Write about what specific changes you are going to implement to make things right.
Have you considered that even if this is what you want to do, you may not be cut out for it? They could keep letting you take the course over and over all they wanted to, but if they think it's a waste of your time they won't let you. You should specify why you are in particular cut out for aerospace as well.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
don't wana be harsh but the reality is that you fucked up. i doubt they really care exactly how you fucked up, they want you to persuade them with some type of concrete plan and how you're going to implement those changes. not just the "oh i didn't try that hard, sorry i'll do better next time", which is basically what you wrote, which in all honesty probably wouldn't even persuade your mother. my suggestion is to start from scratch and rethink how you're going to achieve those goals.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Actually, I do believe it to be true. I probably should have been more clear; what I meant to compare were current students at Finnish and American universities. Just take a look at how many people in the United States - in well respected public universities, no less - can't seem to figure out the difference between its/it's, you're/your, etc. People from American universities may be able to speak English "better" in the sense that they are more familiar with colloquialisms and conventions of spoken English, but this is a consequence of English being their first spoken language. When it comes to written English, I have no doubt that the average level of Finns in college is greater than that of Americans.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Engineers are some of the best and worst writers. It can go either way. However, that largely is dependent on whether they're smart or just really hard working.
But outside of engineering, the writing is actually worse - borderline illiterate.
I'm an engineer and while I'm not an incredible writer it completely boggles my mind when I read peoples' writing. I swear it must be a result of extremely low standards in high schools or just a general lack of proper instruction, because nobody can write well.
As for the OP, if you can't put down on paper in 1 sentence why you should stay, you shouldn't. From what I can tell, you lack the maturity to appreciate the importance of discipline in studies. I don't want to be an ass, but you have no business in a serious major like engineering. Go get a job and work for a few years until you're ready. Do not by any means consider taking a retarded major like communications because it's easy. You will just waste time/money and end up with the same poor job options as if you went straight into the workforce.
Now if you truly believe you can do this, then explain in 1 sentence why they should let you stay. I cannot stress how important it is to make your essay 1 very brief and succinct reason, and then you can just support it, or explain what you've learned from your mistakes. If you just meander you'll never get approved.
I think your essay is very weak. Like the poster above me; there's nothing wrong with getting a fulltime sucky job for a few years before you go to college
Look not to be discourage you from staying in engineering but engineering is a tough field even for people who spend hours on end studying. I personally spend about 5-6 hours after class in the library to study and only pulling in a 3.4 GPA. Also many engineering field actually require you to study more than just what you learn in class. I been actually studying programing languages such as labview and visual basics in my free time to find internships. If you want an easy or fun college life, I suggest you switch, it is not going to get easier for you. From what I can see unless you really buckle down and study, it is impossible to stay in and you might just be wasting time(if you switch too late that more time you need to catchup on another major's courses). I literally quit sc2 for 2 month just to keep up with classwork and in high school I was consider top of my class.
Your essay is still based on what you will do, rather than what you have done.
At this point, maybe you should take some time to reflect on what you actually want to do, because it doesn't seem like you have a work ethic to be an engineer (not to mean, I don't have what it takes to be an engineer either).
Maybe if you attach this video, it'll help somewhat:
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Actually, I do believe it to be true. I probably should have been more clear; what I meant to compare were current students at Finnish and American universities. Just take a look at how many people in the United States - in well respected public universities, no less - can't seem to figure out the difference between its/it's, you're/your, etc. People from American universities may be able to speak English "better" in the sense that they are more familiar with colloquialisms and conventions of spoken English, but this is a consequence of English being their first spoken language. When it comes to written English, I have no doubt that the average level of Finns in college is greater than that of Americans.
I have to agree with this. I can write better than speak english. A lot of people here share the same problem, if you can call it that. We have to read and write almost on a daily basis, but I rarely get the chance to speak english. This has led to me having a really weird accent. But in my opinion, it's easier to learn to speak better english than to write it.
I think it's sort of funny and sad that even though we don't have to pay for college, the level of education is still higher.
Great edit. I think you've certainly added a lot of evidence that you mean to get through engineering.
To just be a bit more specific, I would request a biweekly meeting with Lindner or Mayhew.
Normally I would just say to use your own voice and grammar to make your essay sound a bit more sincere, more like you... but you've made numerous grammatical mistakes in this revision.
I don't want to comment on whether you're cut out to be an engineer or not since I don't know you. I wasted a lot of time in Engineering first year. I didn't get in probation, but I failed a course. What I found useful was getting into a study group second year. I think my fear of letting down myself, in front of others, drove me to work harder. That and they kept me on track. Engineering is still hard. I still have to hope that I passed all my courses instead of knowing it, but I'm dedicating practically every waking hour to this fucked up major.
I think you should consider getting a mentor, somebody like Bob Proctor and you can learn about making decisions and how to reprogram your mind so you can provide a great amount of service to society. This would be great if you wanted to add some stuff on how you will change and stop making decisions that will move you away from attaining your goals.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Engineers are some of the best and worst writers. It can go either way. However, that largely is dependent on whether they're smart or just really hard working.
But outside of engineering, the writing is actually worse - borderline illiterate.
I'm an engineer and while I'm not an incredible writer it completely boggles my mind when I read peoples' writing. I swear it must be a result of extremely low standards in high schools or just a general lack of proper instruction, because nobody can write well.
As for the OP, if you can't put down on paper in 1 sentence why you should stay, you shouldn't. From what I can tell, you lack the maturity to appreciate the importance of discipline in studies. I don't want to be an ass, but you have no business in a serious major like engineering. Go get a job and work for a few years until you're ready. Do not by any means consider taking a retarded major like communications because it's easy. You will just waste time/money and end up with the same poor job options as if you went straight into the workforce.
Now if you truly believe you can do this, then explain in 1 sentence why they should let you stay. I cannot stress how important it is to make your essay 1 very brief and succinct reason, and then you can just support it, or explain what you've learned from your mistakes. If you just meander you'll never get approved.
Why are you telling him to get a job? First of all, that's the absolute worst way to make money. The idea of getting a job originates from before the industrial revolution and it does not work well in today's economy. 1% of the population make 95% of all the money. This 1% of the population do not have 9-5 jobs.
I would suggest that the OP no matter how smart he is currently is, has an absolutely perfect memory. It currently isn't being expressed because of paradigms (habits programmed in the subconscious mind) that came from past generations in his family and the people around him. If he simply changes the programming and develops his memory, imagination, intuition, will, desire, etc...he can major in engineering or any major he wants. Maybe instead of looking at looking at why people can't do something you should spend some time looking at why they can do something. Majoring in engineering really isn't that impressive, just look at how many people have done it. The issue here is perception.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Engineers are some of the best and worst writers. It can go either way. However, that largely is dependent on whether they're smart or just really hard working.
But outside of engineering, the writing is actually worse - borderline illiterate.
I'm an engineer and while I'm not an incredible writer it completely boggles my mind when I read peoples' writing. I swear it must be a result of extremely low standards in high schools or just a general lack of proper instruction, because nobody can write well.
As for the OP, if you can't put down on paper in 1 sentence why you should stay, you shouldn't. From what I can tell, you lack the maturity to appreciate the importance of discipline in studies. I don't want to be an ass, but you have no business in a serious major like engineering. Go get a job and work for a few years until you're ready. Do not by any means consider taking a retarded major like communications because it's easy. You will just waste time/money and end up with the same poor job options as if you went straight into the workforce.
Now if you truly believe you can do this, then explain in 1 sentence why they should let you stay. I cannot stress how important it is to make your essay 1 very brief and succinct reason, and then you can just support it, or explain what you've learned from your mistakes. If you just meander you'll never get approved.
Why are you telling him to get a job? First of all, that's the absolute worst way to make money. The idea of getting a job originates from before the industrial revolution and it does not work well in today's economy. 1% of the population make 95% of all the money. This 1% of the population do not have 9-5 jobs.
I would suggest that the OP no matter how smart he is currently is, has an absolutely perfect memory. It currently isn't being expressed because of paradigms (habits programmed in the subconscious mind) that came from past generations in his family and the people around him. If he simply changes the programming and develops his memory, imagination, intuition, will, desire, etc...he can major in engineering or any major he wants. Maybe instead of looking at looking at why people can't do something you should spend some time looking at why they can do something. Majoring in engineering really isn't that impressive, just look at how many people have done it. The issue here is perception.
Yes and he can learn how to fly and join the unicorns in gumdrop land. You shouldn't be allowed to post here.
And I don't mean that as a quip about your poor writing just for lulzys. Part of succeeding is recognizing and working to amend your weaknesses, not just pretending its "alright", or that it can be ignored.
If we know how long you have to turn this in, we know how long we have available to whip your essay into shape. I'm on a break from school. I am willing to devote a considerable amount of time to helping you avoid engineering-school expulsion, but let's get real here and put this shit on a timeline.
II. What got you into this situation in the first place?
We need specifics. You say that what got you into a fix with your department was that you "screwed up in college." You've also said that your advisors want you to put a "huge emphasis" on the tangible changes that you have made to obviate similar screw-ups in the future. It's hard for us to help you articulate those changes if we don't know what your changing out of and what you intend to change into. Details, details, details.
III. What's your thesis?
Right now your essay would not convince me. I think you sound like some guy in the middle of an airplane crash making a deal with God. You'll give your whole paycheck to charity; you'll quit beating your wife; you'll kick the porn habit; etc. etc. As a professor, I don't put much stock in the promises of a desperate student, and I doubt yours will either.
A good persuasive essay will read less like a laundry list and more like an argument (an argument that certain items from your list will support but not an argument that your list will entirely comprise). A search for a thesis will go back to item II. Your thesis must communicate what change you have undergone. The rest of your essay must evidence that change.
IV. Forget about grammar, syntax, and punctuation for now.
Any competent editor will be able to correct all that bullshit in a once-over. It's small beans. Right now you need to fix your eyes upon the big picture. You need to worry about what you can say that will save your ass.
So table the proofreading for now, and work on getting some thought on paper that's quality enough to warrant proofreading.
II. What got you into this situation in the first place?
arrogance. I thought I could do the bare minimum work (skip online hw, skip lectures, cram for exams etc.) and slide by my classes. Obviously I cannot. unmotivated. At least that is what everyone is telling me :/ Had no agenda.
III. What's your thesis?
Honestly your response is conflicting with what others have said :/.
But i trust you more.
Anyway what they want to know is what has changed about me (to see if I am really sincere about this). They stated that, "The question to be answered is what is different now relative to the last terms. Tangible changes must occur or else there is no reason to expect a different result."
So my strategy was looking: unmotivated/arrogance--> wellness center to gain some insight as to why. lazy/not doing work---->rest of the argument (friend checking on schedule, academic recovery program etc.)
I have an honest question. When did you first find out you had to write an essay and when did you actually start writing the essay or actually started thinking about it.
I also like your explanation of your failures thus far. The word "arrogance" might be a bit cliched, but I think I'm with you as far as what you're saying. So let's brainstorm into articulating your original problem as clearly as possible.
My guess is this: you're a naturally intelligent student. In high school you found that you could do the bare minimum and still get the grades. Your laziness in the classroom produced very little backwards drag on your academic progress. But in college those same academic habits have eventuated in the crisis you're now experiencing. That's just my guess. It happens to a lot of smart kids during the transition into their college majors.
The point is that a clearly stated problem like that basically generates your thesis for you. Your thesis is that your poor study habits have hitherto produced no consequences. This current unpleasantness has taught you, however, has painfully taught you that poor study habits do have consequences in a higher education environment. That's what you've learned. You, because of your genuine love for engineering and your genuine desire to continue in the program, would like the opportunity to demonstrate that you have learned that lesson. That's the change.
Then you can proceed to outline the concrete plans you have to demonstrate your lesson learned. But we'll worry about support later. First let's put a good intro paragraph on paper that culminates in a good thesis statement, however different from or similar to the one I've just written it is.
(A note on style: I would think about this as a personal letter to a social superior, which it is. Be direct. Be plainly spoken. Be respectful. You want to state your case without resorting to either sentimentality or impersonality. Imagine you're addressing a judge. You want to acknowledge that you've done wrong in such a way that doesn't invite further punishment.)
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Actually, I do believe it to be true. I probably should have been more clear; what I meant to compare were current students at Finnish and American universities. Just take a look at how many people in the United States - in well respected public universities, no less - can't seem to figure out the difference between its/it's, you're/your, etc. People from American universities may be able to speak English "better" in the sense that they are more familiar with colloquialisms and conventions of spoken English, but this is a consequence of English being their first spoken language. When it comes to written English, I have no doubt that the average level of Finns in college is greater than that of Americans.
I don't like this kind of argument... I can't really prove or disprove your claim but I think your sampling is biased. The Fins on this site are here because they are comfortable with the language and proactive with their grammar. You have a wider spectrum of American posters and the bad stands out.
On January 02 2011 15:37 HULKAMANIA wrote: 48 hours, excellent. We can work with this.
I also like your explanation of your failures thus far. The word "arrogance" might be a bit cliched, but I think I'm with you as far as what you're saying. So let's brainstorm into articulating your original problem as clearly as possible.
My guess is this: you're a naturally intelligent student. In high school you found that you could do the bare minimum and still get the grades. Your laziness in the classroom produced very little backwards drag on your academic progress. But in college those same academic habits have eventuated in the crisis you're now experiencing. That's just my guess. It happens to a lot of smart kids during the transition into their college majors.
The point is that a clearly stated problem like that basically generates your thesis for you. Your thesis is that your poor study habits have hitherto produced no consequences. This current unpleasantness has taught you, however, has painfully taught you that poor study habits do have consequences in a higher education environment. That's what you've learned. You, because of your genuine love for engineering and your genuine desire to continue in the program, would like the opportunity to demonstrate that you have learned that lesson. That's the change.
Then you can proceed to outline the concrete plans you have to demonstrate your lesson learned. But we'll worry about support later. First let's put a good intro paragraph on paper that culminates in a good thesis statement, however different from or similar to the one I've just written it is.
(A note on style: I would think about this as a personal letter to a social superior, which it is. Be direct. Be plainly spoken. Be respectful. You want to state your case without resorting to either sentimentality or impersonality. Imagine you're addressing a judge. You want to acknowledge that you've done wrong in such a way that doesn't invite further punishment.)
I write this as a plea that you allow me to stay and continue my education in the College of Engineering. For the past year and a half I've made bad choices that have led me to this situation.The reason for such poor choices were simply because of my poor study habits. In my high school I was able to do the bare minimum yet still receive satisfactory grades. During that time, my poor study habit produced no consequences. However, I painfully see that now my poor study habits do have consequences in higher levels of education. Despite the the consequences of my actions, I still wish to be an engineer. I ask that you allow me to stay give me the opportunity to demonstrate I have learned my lesson. ?
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards?
In a word, no.
In several words, blame the excessive devaluation of the college degree in the American workplace.
Actually, I do believe it to be true. I probably should have been more clear; what I meant to compare were current students at Finnish and American universities. Just take a look at how many people in the United States - in well respected public universities, no less - can't seem to figure out the difference between its/it's, you're/your, etc. People from American universities may be able to speak English "better" in the sense that they are more familiar with colloquialisms and conventions of spoken English, but this is a consequence of English being their first spoken language. When it comes to written English, I have no doubt that the average level of Finns in college is greater than that of Americans.
So basically you're proposing some measure of English competence for which no reliable metric exists, and then claiming that Finns have a higher English competence on average based on this standard?
Whether your conclusion is true or not (you're probably right, I'll give you that), it is still unwarranted.
---
So to contribute:
A. Listen to HULKMANIA, he knows what he's talking about B.
I want to pursue this major because the idea and concept is based on who I am. I love solving problems by critical thinking and doing so in innovative ways.
This is quite literally the worst way to go about expressing your love for engineering. Do you have any specific interests in mind?
This is quite literally the worst way to go about expressing your love for engineering. Do you have any specific interests in mind?
Yeah I agree. A large portion of engineering is adapting something that's been done before with nothing fancy. Make sure this structure lasts under 4 feet of snow, push that paper.
Most engineers won't do much innovation in their career, and I can think of a few who don't use critical thinking very much.
On January 02 2011 15:37 HULKAMANIA wrote: 48 hours, excellent. We can work with this.
I also like your explanation of your failures thus far. The word "arrogance" might be a bit cliched, but I think I'm with you as far as what you're saying. So let's brainstorm into articulating your original problem as clearly as possible.
My guess is this: you're a naturally intelligent student. In high school you found that you could do the bare minimum and still get the grades. Your laziness in the classroom produced very little backwards drag on your academic progress. But in college those same academic habits have eventuated in the crisis you're now experiencing. That's just my guess. It happens to a lot of smart kids during the transition into their college majors.
The point is that a clearly stated problem like that basically generates your thesis for you. Your thesis is that your poor study habits have hitherto produced no consequences. This current unpleasantness has taught you, however, has painfully taught you that poor study habits do have consequences in a higher education environment. That's what you've learned. You, because of your genuine love for engineering and your genuine desire to continue in the program, would like the opportunity to demonstrate that you have learned that lesson. That's the change.
Then you can proceed to outline the concrete plans you have to demonstrate your lesson learned. But we'll worry about support later. First let's put a good intro paragraph on paper that culminates in a good thesis statement, however different from or similar to the one I've just written it is.
(A note on style: I would think about this as a personal letter to a social superior, which it is. Be direct. Be plainly spoken. Be respectful. You want to state your case without resorting to either sentimentality or impersonality. Imagine you're addressing a judge. You want to acknowledge that you've done wrong in such a way that doesn't invite further punishment.)
I write this as a plea that you allow me to stay and continue my education in the College of Engineering. For the past year and a half I've made bad choices that have led me to this situation.The reason for such poor choices were simply because of my poor study habits. In my high school I was able to do the bare minimum yet still receive satisfactory grades. During that time, my poor study habit produced no consequences. However, I painfully see that now my poor study habits do have consequences in higher levels of education. Despite the the consequences of my actions, I still wish to be an engineer. I ask that you allow me to stay give me the opportunity to demonstrate I have learned my lesson. ?
Excellent. We're getting somewhere now. This is good raw material. Let's work on refining it.
First of all, I would like to see you write more like you talk. I don't mean that you should include slang, informalities, etc. etc. What I mean is that you should conceptualize of writing as just another means of getting a point across, a means a simple as a phone call or a chat over coffee. Imagine that you are sitting across the desk from the person to whom you're delivering this essay. How would you communicate your point to him or her? What steps would you have to take, what would you have to say, in order to make sure that point gets across? If you think about writing in terms of a conversation (albeit a slightly more formal one in most cases), it will do wonders for removing the choppiness and artificiality (and thus the implied insincerity) from your prose.
So let's reimagine this first paragraph like you're just sitting there explaining yourself. Here's something along the lines of what I would write:
I am writing this essay in order request that I be allowed to continue my education in the College of Engineering. The reason that I have to make this request is because I have, so far, shown an unacceptable level of involvement in my classes and consistently earned unacceptably low grades.
I haven't always had such problems with my schoolwork, though. In high school, I made excellent grades. I did not study very much. I did not pay much attention in class. I spent my time outside of school playing video games and socializing. And yet I made the grades because I was intelligent enough to succeed in spite of my bad academic habits. I had no idea, in fact, that my habits were so lacking. Those habits got me results. And, when I came to college, I just assumed that what I had always done would continue to work for me. Needless to say, I was wrong.
insert specifics about why you want to study engineering here. talk about what the major means to you
I am writing this essay because it would be devastating to me to have to give up on my engineering aspirations because of bad habits that I, in my immaturity, carried over from high school.The past few weeks? few years? few semesters? have shown me what sort of effort higher education demands and it is a lot more effort than I have put in so far. But I have learned that lesson. I now understand that college is hard work, that it demands more sacrifice and longer hours than I had given it credit for. And so what I am asking is that you give me the opportunity to demonstrate to you that I have learned that lesson and that I won't repeat the same mistakes I have made up to this point.
I am taking all of these precautions... continue rest of essay here
OK so obviously that's not how you would write it. And I don't recommend you copying that word for word (especially if the person reading it is familiar with your writing). But that's kind of the pace you need to shoot for. You need to give yourself time to explain yourself, your investment in engineering, and your recent epiphanies about college life. You need to communicate that you've given this a lot of thought and that you know what you're talking about. Write out what you're thinking.
Also trust your voice. You know your situation better than anyone. You (of everyone here at teamliquid at least) know the person to whom you're appealing better than anyone else. Take this outline I've written and make it your own. You've got the insight for the job.
And like I said: don't worry about making everything perfect. Don't even worry about making everything grammatical. I've got your back where that is concerned. Just make sure everything says what you want to say.
I would go ahead an write out another draft of the whole essay if you finish the intro tonight and still have the energy. I am going to bed, but I will check back in when I am up and about tomorrow. Just remember that everything you mentioned in the first post of this thread is good evidence that you have learned your lesson and that you don't plan on making those mistakes again but it's all just that--evidence. The real key to this essay is the point that evidence must support. The real key to this essay is convincing your reader that you've learned from this hard knock and that you've matured because of it. That's, I'm willing to bet at least, the change they're looking for.
They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Actually, I do believe it to be true. I probably should have been more clear; what I meant to compare were current students at Finnish and American universities. Just take a look at how many people in the United States - in well respected public universities, no less - can't seem to figure out the difference between its/it's, you're/your, etc. People from American universities may be able to speak English "better" in the sense that they are more familiar with colloquialisms and conventions of spoken English, but this is a consequence of English being their first spoken language. When it comes to written English, I have no doubt that the average level of Finns in college is greater than that of Americans.
I don't like this kind of argument... I can't really prove or disprove your claim but I think your sampling is biased. The Fins on this site are here because they are comfortable with the language and proactive with their grammar. You have a wider spectrum of American posters and the bad stands out.
I'm not talking about TL users, I'm talking about college students in general. My assertion is that Finnish college students have a better grasp of the English language than do Americans. I base this on the fact that they are taught good English from a young age, English is very popular in the Scandinavian countries, and the fact that the vast majority of American college students have no business being in higher education, and should instead stop wasting their time and money and enroll in trade school or enter into the job market.
Not to derail this thread, because HULKAMANIA's doing a wonderful job helping out the OP, but I think that a major problem plaguing the United States is a strange sense of entitlement to higher education. You have people who think they're cut out for a journalism degree at some random, no-name school who aren't able to differentiate direct objects from indirect objects. A college education should be reserved for those who demonstrate an aptitude and a love for learning, not for just any high school grad who goes on to college because it's somehow "expected" of them.
I understand that much of this problem is ingrained in the fact that it's virtually impossible to get a decent job nowadays without a college education; a collegiate degree has become the new high school diploma, and all it results in is legions of communications majors graduating every year, on track to become the baristas and janitors of tomorrow. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that the Finns don't have this bizarre notion that a collegiate degree is the birthright of every citizen.
I am fully convinced that if you compare the mean level of English aptitude (I'm defining this as reading comprehension, writing skills, mastery of English usage/conventions, and oral communication) between Finnish college students and American students, you'll find the Finns easily outclass the Americans.
EDIT: This is actually quite an interesting discussion. I'm going to open a thread tomorrow in the General Forum where we can discuss this further, since it's now four am and I'd really like to go to sleep >_>
EDIT2: To the OP, if you do manage to be readmitted to school, I'd make sure to work hard and exercise some self-control in order to focus on your studies. College isn't something to be taken lightly; you may have been a star student at your high school, but at the university level, you're just another nameless face in the crowd. I ended up quitting Starcraft in college, and ended up having a higher GPA than I did in high school. Many people, from your parents to HULKAMANIA, have invested money and time in order to help you succeed. To fall back into your old habits would be doing a disservice not only to them, but to yourself.
I am writing this essay to ask that I am allowed to stay and continue my education in the College of Engineering. The reason that I need to make this request is because I did not do my coursework thus unable to produce the satisfactory grades in my critical tracking courses.
However, I haven't always had such problems with my schoolwork. In high school, I made excellent grades with minimum effort. I did neither study nor paid attention in class. The times spent in and out of school were used to socialize and play games. And yet I made the grades with bad academic habits. I had no idea, however, how lacking my habits were, despite it producing satisfactory result. It was ignorant of me to assume my poor high school habits were sufficient enough to get me by in a college environment.
I want to be an aerospace engineer. I love to help people, and that is what engineers do; they help people by making their lives better and easier. I want to be an engineer because that is who I am. I want to major as an aerospace engineer particularly because I have always been fascinated by that subject, the science of flying, ever since I was little. As a child, I rarely understood the terminology or the context whenever I read a book about aerospace. But it didn't matter if it made no sense, because it was related to aerospace thus I was content. Here I am as a student of College of Engineer in the University of Florida trying to be my childhood dream.
I am writing this essay because it would be devastating to me to have to give up on my engineering aspirations because of bad habits that I, in my ignorance and immaturity, carried over from high school. The past year and half have shown me what sort of effort higher education demands and it exceeded my expectations. . But I have learned that lesson. I now understand that college is hard work, that it demands more sacrifice and longer hours than I had given it credit for. I now know what a true educational institute demands. And so what I am asking is that you give me the opportunity to demonstrate to you that I have learned that lesson and that I won't repeat the same mistakes I have made up to this point.
I am taking all the precautions to ensure this does not happen again. I revised my schedule more structured to prevent me procrastinating. I revised it by drastically reducing the amount of time on areas that are not vital or related to school work (games, social events etc…) down to 10-15 hours a week. The majority of the time will be used to focus on classes based on credits (2 hours per credit) in order to keep up with class work and avoid being overloaded. To ensure this, I have asked my parents to reduce funding spending money, asked my roommates (who have agreed) to regularly check on me that I am following my hours and I’ll have a family friend visit me once a week to keep my parents updated. I’ll be making multiple appointments at the Counseling and Wellness Center to get some help of getting rid of my poor academic habits. I will also be attending in the Academic Recovery workshop to learn the necessary skills form a good habit to replace. While participating and getting help I’ll be keeping in touch with Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew (and you if you wish) about my status biweekly.
I understand that college helps people pursue their dreams, but it provides the education only to those that are worthy and determined. I understand now what it takes to make it through college. And I know that I am able to do this. Despite the bad start, running behind schedule and risking not receiving a degree, I still want to be an aerospace engineer. I ask that you allow to stay and give me the opportunity to show I am qualified to receive its fine education and degree.
I'm going to go ahead and edit this for grammar and style. Then I will repost it here in the thread. You can read over it again as well and see if there's anything that didn't come out or didn't come out right. But I think this is getting to be a pretty solid piece. Good work.
I am writing this essay to ask that you allow me to stay and continue my education in the College of Engineering. The reason that I need to make this request is because I did not do my coursework, which meant I was unable to produce satisfactory grades in my critical tracking courses.
I haven't always had such problems with my schoolwork, however. In high school, I made excellent grades with minimal effort. I neither studied nor paid attention in class. The time I spent in and out of school were used to socialize and play games. And yet, despite these bad academic habits, I made the grades. I had no idea, in fact, how lacking my habits were because they produced satisfactory results. In college, I just (ignorantly) assumed that my poor high school habits were sufficient to get me by.
I want to be an aerospace engineer. That is what I have always wanted to be since I was little. I want to be an engineer because that is who I am. I love to help people, and that is what engineers do: they help people by making their lives better and easier. I wish to major as an aerospace engineer particularly because I have always been fascinated by that subject, the science of flying. As a child, I read books on aerospace engineering. Of course I rarely understood the terminology or the context whenever I read those books, but it didn't matter if it made no sense to me at all because it was related to aerospace. And here I am as a student of the College of Engineering in the University of Florida trying to attain my childhood dream.
And now I am writing this essay because it would be devastating to me to have to give up on my engineering aspirations because of the bad habits that I, in my ignorance and immaturity, carried over from high school. The past year and half have shown me what sort of effort higher education demands, and it exceeded my expectations. It has been a rude awakening. But I have learned that lesson. I now understand that college is hard work, that it demands more sacrifice and longer hours than I had given it credit for. I now know what a true educational institute demands. And so what I am asking is that you give me the opportunity to demonstrate to you that I have learned that lesson and that I won't repeat the same mistakes I have made up to this point.
I am taking all the precautions that I can think of to ensure this does not happen again. I revised my schedule to prevent me from procrastinating. I revised it by drastically reducing, down to about 10 to 15 hours a week, the amount of time I spend in areas that are not vital or related to school work (games, social events, etc.). That way I can use the majority of my time to focus on classes, to keep up with my class work and avoid being overloaded. To help me refocus, I have first of all asked my parents to reduce the amount of spending money they provide me with so that I won’t be able to maintain my current social pace even if I want to. I have also tried to establish accountability with people that I can trust. My roommates have agreed to regularly check that I am following my hours, and I have arranged to have a friend of the family visit me weekly to keep my parents updated. I’m looking for help from the university as well. I’ll be making multiple appointments at the Counseling and Wellness Center to get help ridding myself of my poor academic habits. I will also be attending the Academic Recovery workshop If you can add dates here (when you’ll be attending) it will sound stronger to learn how to form good habits to replace them. While participating in these programs and getting help, I’ll be keeping in touch with Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew (and you, if you so wish) about my progress biweekly.
I have always understood that college helps people pursue their dreams, but now I understand that it provides that education only to those who are worthy and determined. I understand now what it takes to make it through college. And I know that I am able to do this. Despite the bad start, the running behind schedule, the risk of not receiving a degree, I still want to be an aerospace engineer. What I ask is that you allow me to stay and give me the opportunity to show I am, after all, qualified to receive this fine education and degree. Thank you for your consideration.
I'll check back this evening to see if you've got any other questions or if you (or our fellow teamliquidians, who can offer quality insight on such matters) want any further revisions. I'll give it another look-see then, as well, to make sure we've cleaned up all the little nit-pitcky commas and periods and whatnot. But, as far as I'm concerned, this is getting to the point where I would feel good about you turning it in. I think it states your case well.
Yah that last re-edit is a lot better, though I still think you should add one sentence that says explicitly "I should be allowed to continue at this institution because 'x'." Again you really want the essay to boil down to 1 sentence and everything else be supporting that. So is it that you want to help people? You should be a doctor then, or a police officer. You're gonna have to make it even more airtight than that, because if I didn't have an original inclination to let you stay, I could pick that thing apart and send your ass right out the door.
You're going to have to pick a really damn good reason and shove it down the reader's throat.
Without any extenuating circumstances, the likelyhood of a third chance is slim. Is there anything that happened that was out of your control that was documented such as a death in the family or emotional problems that caused you to do poorly? That's your best chance in my opinion.
The school is not going to give you a third chance just because you didn't study hard enough and promise to do better. (I could be wrong though.)
On January 02 2011 17:58 Empyrean wrote: EDIT: This is actually quite an interesting discussion. I'm going to open a thread tomorrow in the General Forum where we can discuss this further, since it's now four am and I'd really like to go to sleep >_>
EDIT2: Many people, from your parents to HULKAMANIA, have invested money and time in order to help you succeed. To fall back into your old habits would be doing a disservice not only to them, but to yourself.
Yeah, the concept of education is a rather interesting topic. Good idea to make a thread in general about it. I was going to... but I always get too scared that what I'm posting isn't interesting enough so I made a blog about it.
On the topic of your second edit Empryean, using guilt has never helped me to work harder. I used procrastination to escape that guilt. If the OP is anything like me, then using unreliable emotions is not the way to do it.
******************************************************************************************************************* On topic:
"I am writing this essay" is unnecessary. The reader should know this is an introduction and the introduction should always begin with the main point.
Coming to college has been a difficult transition for me. I now realize that I can't excel in my coursework without dedicated effort. By holding myself accountable to my friends, the academic clubs and resources available, and to yourselves (did you say the two people you were addressing were both counselors? If so you can say "to yourselves, my esteemed counselors) I can guarantee that I will not fail again.
You don't say "I made excellent grades" or "with minimum effort" or "I did neither"
The correct idiomatic usage is "I earned excellent grades without trying hard" The "with minimum effort" is ambiguous as to what you are describing, and people don't make grades, they receive or earn them.
"I neither" is vastly superior to "I did neither".
The second paragraph could be summarized as "My high school did not prepare me with the skills needed to succeed in College. I think the specific details you added are fine, just make sure that they all support this point.
You should work on transitions. Don't force them too much. Just have one transition sentence from one paragraph to the next.
10-15 hours a week for social events shouldn't be included. I talked to my major's counselor about how I felt engineering didn't offer me the time to have fun with my friends, or to go to parties. She responded "Well did you come to University to have fun or to get an education."
EPT
