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ok so I'm gonna make this short as possible:
I screwed up in college...again. As a consequence I will be kicked out of my college thus having to re-choose my major that is non engineering. After long pondering, I have decided I'm pulling an all-in rush. I have spoken with many advisors and was told write a one page PERSUASIVE essay as to why I should be reconsidered and allow to stay one more time (emphasis on tangible changes that show what has changed. HUGE EMPHASIS). They want the essay to be based on what I have changed.
So...I need you guys mostly to help with my grammar (that is my weakest part). Obviously if something should be revised to make it sound better then please go for it. This is very important to me and yes I know I shouldn't have screwed up but yea...
thanks for help.
This is my story/proxy dt all-in:
As you’re well aware, I was unable to meet the requirements during my probation in the University of Florida. The resulting consequences will force me to withdraw from the College of Engineering and choose a different major. I write this plea against me being removed and ask that I am allowed to stay in order to continue my major as an engineer. The past year and a half I have made some terrible decisions that have caused me to violate my academic probation.
However, the good part is that I know it is my fault, thus I need to change myself in order to see a better result. Knowing this, and my future being threatened, I have been actively searching for help to reform my ways and stick to new principles. To help improve my study and work habits, I have revised my schedule by drastically reducing the amount of time on areas that are not vital or related to school work (games, social events, etc.) down to 10-15 hours a week. The majority of the time will be used to focus on classes based on credits (2 hours per credit) in order to keep up with class work and avoid being overloaded. To ensure this, I have asked my parents to reduce funding into my account, asked my roommates (who have agreed) to regularly check to make sure I follow my hours and I will have a family friend visit me once a week to keep my parents updated. Also, I will utilize University's help resources much more when the need for help arises (offices hours, Broward tutoring zone, libraries for studying, etc.) and keeping in touch with Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew (and you if you wish) about my status biweekly.
With Dr. Lindner and Ms. Mayhew’s assistance, I was able to find more help to show some tangible changes. I’ve opted in the Academic Recovery program to help improve my studying skills and find peers that I can study with who are determined as I am. Also, throughout the semester I will make multiple individual appointments at the Counselling and Wellness Center as to learn why I did poorly in the past in order to keep it from happening in the future. My roommates and the family friend have agreed to ensure I don’t skip any of the meetings or stop making regular appointments.
I have put much thought and considered if there were other options. After enough consideration, I’m certain I still want to be an engineer. I want to pursue this major because the idea and concept is based on who I am. I love solving problems by critical thinking and doing so in innovative ways. Most importantly I love to help people, and that is what engineers do; they help people by making their lives better and easier. I humbly ask that you give me one more chance and allow me to show that my past decisions are not a reflection of my academic capabilities nor my character.
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Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay.
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The University of Florida’s academic clause states that if a student is unable to pass a critical tracking course within two attempts or make satisfactory grades,(comma not necessary) during their probation period, they are to be withdrawn out("withdrawn out" is redundant)of their college. As you are well aware, I was unable to meet the (take out "the")said requirements during my probation in the University of Florida. The resulting consequences will force me to withdraw from the College of Engineering and choose a different major.
I write this (insert word: plea?)Dr. Carroll as a petition("petition" is a word typically associated with many people signing a paper in defiance to authority. This word makes your tone sound bossy when it should come off softer.) against being withdrawn (use "removed" instead) and ask that I am allowed to stay in order to continue my chosen major as an aerospace engineer. I know that the probation period was my “redemption” period and I failed it. The past year and a half I have made some terrible decisions that have placed(Your odd phrasing of this sentence make it sound like "the decisions" put you in this predicament instead of your own actions. I also wouldn't use the word "unnecessary") me in this unnecessary situation.
I wasted my time playing games, hanging with friends or doing anything that avoided schoolwork. Worst part is that all of this is my fault. I just kept procrastinating from schoolwork and I keep making time when I don’t have any. I am unmotivated for unknown reasons despite the fact I should be(I would refrain from saying you don't know why you aren't motivated). However, the good part is that I know it is my fault thus I need to change myself to see better result. Knowing this and my future being threatened, I will actively keep searching for help to reform my ways and stick to new principles(This would be a good time to say something about specific and tangible ways you plan to reform your ways). Working harder and having better time managements being my ultimate goal(sentence fragment).
However, I understand that you may be skeptical (insert word: with) what I have to say. My recent decisions have left my word… powerless. What I have to say, my promises, may have no meaning to you. Because actions speak louder than words, I have proactively searched for help to show tangible changes have occurred and that I am making progress to my reformation.
With the kind help from Dr. Lindner she was able to show some available resources I could take advantage of. I was able to get some information about the time management and the engineering success workshops available. Also, I took her advice and taken the liberty to make an individual appointment at the Care Wellness Center to further investigate as to why I have been unmotivated for the past year and a half.(You've looked into why you haven't been motivated but have you done anything to show (besides just going to an appointment) you're on the road to recovery?)
I have spoken with Ms. Mayhew and opted into her Academic Recovery program. The program specializes in helping improve study skills and peer tutoring to help keep me liable to finish my work on time. This program synchronizes very well with the Care Wellness Center considering while I am trying to shed some light on my unmotivated work habits the program will help keep me stay on track.(awkward phrasing)
I hope that these tangible changes and my most recent actions show I am truly sincere about changing my ways. This has all been a good learning experience showing you can’t simply “coast” through college like in high school, and that I am in the “big league” now. I humbly ask that you give me one more chance and allow me to show that my past decisions are not a reflection of my academic capabilities and my character.
I hate to be blunt, but your writing is very weak. If you seriously plan to become an aerospace engineer(or attain any high level job) you need to become a proficient writer because communicating effectively through writing is an invaluable and necessary skill.
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United States10271 Posts
On January 02 2011 05:23 Karliath wrote:
Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay.
agreed
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On January 02 2011 05:23 Karliath wrote:
Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay.
sorry i just re-edited original post.
So I have spoken to actually numerous advisors and associate deans and what not. What they want was TANGIBLE changes. Evidence (HUGE EMPHASIS).
So when I spoke with Dr. Carroll (he is advisor, apparently the man who decides my fate) stated to go talk to Mayhew. She essentially told me to write I was gonna be in her program (academic stuff).
The associate dean, Lindner, and I have spoken. Apparently she is close to Dr. Carroll and she respects me (told her how its my fault etc etc.) and am admirable person. They both want to help me.
the essay is pretty much where I want it. Mostly I just need to polish it up. Yes I realize the material is weak (evidence) but...this was all that was given to me...so I guess I should be fine?
:/
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United States10271 Posts
On January 02 2011 05:33 FlaShFTW wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2011 05:23 Karliath wrote:
Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay. agreed
also, instead of saying how you kept procrastinating, tell how you'll avoid it next time if you are allowed to stay.
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On January 02 2011 05:34 FlaShFTW wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2011 05:33 FlaShFTW wrote:On January 02 2011 05:23 Karliath wrote:
Too much on how you fail, too little on WHY you should be allowed to stay. agreed also, instead of saying how you kept procrastinating, tell how you'll avoid it next time if you are allowed to stay.
My persuasion on why I should stay essentially come from me stating what I have done (by showing im sincere of changing my ways i will go to all those workshops and what not).
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Thankfully, I have never needed to write such a letter, but I feel that yours is very, very weak. You did not provide enough justifications as to why you should be allowed to stay in your program despite your failure to meet the requirements. Also, your writing style is very informal and filled with punctuation mistakes. You should try to make this essay more forceful, to show your determination.
At the same time, I feel that their decision is probably independent of your letter. The fact that they are willing to let you convince them tells me that you'll probably scrape by, once again.
Good luck.
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This is my story/proxy dt all-in:
more like ninja expo 
GL dude
xD
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I know UF has a writing help center located at broward hall, where you can bring your essay to english graduate students and let them help you edit it. If you're serious about making this essay polished I would suggest going there. With all due respect, comments on here may or may not be helpful since it come come from anyone regardless of writing experience.
Regardless of what you decide, good luck .
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I think the question is why do you want to go into engineering so badly? If it was that important for you why did you not pass the second time. Instead of doing an all in rush that seems like it won't work, why not just stop, take a break and think long and hard about your future. I'm not a big fan of sudden big changes because its only sustained by a manic state. Once it wears off and you burn out you're going to be in the same situation as you were or even worse. The question is during the second attempt, did you do anything differently?
I'm saying this because I was on academic probation too last semester so I was in the same situation as you. You have to give them a reason to believe in you. Such as improvement in grades, etc. Its hard to make sudden changes and they know that too, but if there is not even a slight improvement in your grades or study habits they have no reason to trust you. What you are making are promises in your essays which they say you should not mention. Promises of going to workshops that didn't occur yet or may not ever occur. Anyone can make plans but you have to be able to follow on them. And I'm not saying just going 1 or 2 times then you stop going to them. You can have all the help in the world but its useless if you don't put in the hours yourself to study.
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The University of Florida’s academic clause states that if a student is unable to pass a critical tracking course within two attempts or make satisfactory grades, during their probation period, they are to be withdrawn out of their college. As you are well aware, I was unable to meet the said requirements during my probation in the University of Florida. The resulting consequences will force me to withdraw from the College of Engineering and choose a different major.
As someone already mentioned, this section is useless and a waste of space.
I write this Dr. Carroll as a petition against being withdrawn and ask that I am allowed to stay to continue my chosen major as an aerospace engineer. I know that the probation period was my “redemption” period and I failed it. The past year and a half I have made some terrible decisions that have placed me in this unnecessary situation.
I don't like the quotation marks. Say something along the lines of "the probation period was place in effect for me to reaffirm you my academic potential" (okay this sucks too, but something like this).
I wasted my time playing games, hanging with friends or doing anything that avoided schoolwork. Worst part is that all of this is my fault. I just kept procrastinating from schoolwork and I keep making time when I don’t have any. I am unmotivated for unknown reasons despite the fact I should be.
This part is completely unnecessary. This section broke your essay for me: it left me with the impression that you were a complete screw up, and should not be given a second chance, despite what you said later.
However, the good part is that I know it is my fault thus I need to change myself to see better result. Knowing this and my future being threatened, I will actively keep searching for help to reform my ways and stick to new principles. Working harder and having better time managements being my ultimate goal.
This is a decent opener, you should immediately back this up with actions you have taken or plan to take.
However, I understand that you may be skeptical what I have to say. My recent decisions have left my word… powerless. What I have to say, my promises, may have no meaning to you. Because actions speak louder than words, I have proactively searched for help to show tangible changes have occurred and that I am making progress to my reformation.
The first part is ridiculous. Even if he wasn't skeptical, he would be now.
With the kind help from Dr. Lindner she was able to show some available resources I could take advantage of. I was able to get some information about the time management and the engineering succdess workshops available. Also, I took her advice and taken the liberty to make an individual appointment at the Care Wellness Center to further investigate as to why I have been unmotivated for the past year and a half.
I have spoken with Ms. Mayhew and opted in her Academic Recovery program. The program specializes in helping improve study skills and peer tutoring to help keep me liable to finish my work on time. This program synchronizes very well with the Care Wellness Center considering while I am trying to shed some light on my unmotivated work habits the program will help keep me stay on track.
You are again explaining basic things to him, he's probably more informed than you are. Talk about what you plan to do specifically, instead of telling him that these things are available.
You mentioned that you mentioned this lady who showed you some information, and you booked one session and they made some investigations. And then what? What did you take home from that session. What makes you different from before?
You are "trying to shed some light"? By this point, you should've found out exactly what your problems are already.
This is a good place to outline some tangible goals.
I hope that these tangible changes and my most recent actions show I am truly sincere about changing my ways. This has all been a good learning experience showing you can’t simply “coast” through college like in high school, and that I am in the “big league” now. I humbly ask that you give me one more chance and allow me to show that my past decisions poorly reflect my academic capabilities and myself.
Get rid of the quotation marks, and rewrite this section.
You also have a lot of spelling and punctuation errors, fix those too.
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On a more important note... are you on the CSL team? You should be :D
As far as your essay goes, don't waste space writing about the stuff you screwed up with in the past--they know you fucked up, you don't have to remind them. Write about what specific changes you are going to implement to make things right.
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Have you considered that even if this is what you want to do, you may not be cut out for it? They could keep letting you take the course over and over all they wanted to, but if they think it's a waste of your time they won't let you. You should specify why you are in particular cut out for aerospace as well.
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They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff.
Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options.
It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again.
I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble.
The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
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17038 Posts
On January 02 2011 06:36 Sotamursu wrote:Show nested quote +They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff. Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options. It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again. I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble. The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that.
Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
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don't wana be harsh but the reality is that you fucked up. i doubt they really care exactly how you fucked up, they want you to persuade them with some type of concrete plan and how you're going to implement those changes. not just the "oh i didn't try that hard, sorry i'll do better next time", which is basically what you wrote, which in all honesty probably wouldn't even persuade your mother. my suggestion is to start from scratch and rethink how you're going to achieve those goals.
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On January 02 2011 06:46 Empyrean wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2011 06:36 Sotamursu wrote:They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff. Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options. It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again. I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble. The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that. Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans.
Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
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17038 Posts
On January 02 2011 07:12 n.DieJokes wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2011 06:46 Empyrean wrote:On January 02 2011 06:36 Sotamursu wrote:They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff. Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options. It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again. I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble. The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that. Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans. Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Actually, I do believe it to be true. I probably should have been more clear; what I meant to compare were current students at Finnish and American universities. Just take a look at how many people in the United States - in well respected public universities, no less - can't seem to figure out the difference between its/it's, you're/your, etc. People from American universities may be able to speak English "better" in the sense that they are more familiar with colloquialisms and conventions of spoken English, but this is a consequence of English being their first spoken language. When it comes to written English, I have no doubt that the average level of Finns in college is greater than that of Americans.
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On January 02 2011 07:12 n.DieJokes wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2011 06:46 Empyrean wrote:On January 02 2011 06:36 Sotamursu wrote:They want the essay to be based on what shows I have changed, evidence, no "promise" stuff. Your essay gives me the impression of you giving promises instead of evidence. You sound like you are lazy and start your post with how you ended up failing in college again. I think you should seriously consider other options. It's almost like listening to an addict explain to you why he needs those hundred dollars and how he has suddenly changed his ways. In reality, everything goes back to the way it was as soon as you give him those hundred dollars. I feel like you will end up failing again. I don't know much about how college works in the states, but don't these places have any decent standards? How do you get into college, when you can't even write a one-page essay. Don't they teach this stuff in your high schools? How do you plan on passing essays that are supposed to be 50 pages long, when a single page gives you that much trouble. The quotation marks you used made me cringe. The first few paragraphs are useless. At first glance I thought it was just a part of your original post. You should write the whole thing again. Think about the replies you've gotten while you do that. Sadly, most college educated Finns have a much better command of the English language than do most college educated Americans. Most? You know that's not true -.- and cut the guy some slack, he's an Engineer
Engineers are some of the best and worst writers. It can go either way. However, that largely is dependent on whether they're smart or just really hard working.
But outside of engineering, the writing is actually worse - borderline illiterate.
I'm an engineer and while I'm not an incredible writer it completely boggles my mind when I read peoples' writing. I swear it must be a result of extremely low standards in high schools or just a general lack of proper instruction, because nobody can write well.
As for the OP, if you can't put down on paper in 1 sentence why you should stay, you shouldn't. From what I can tell, you lack the maturity to appreciate the importance of discipline in studies. I don't want to be an ass, but you have no business in a serious major like engineering. Go get a job and work for a few years until you're ready. Do not by any means consider taking a retarded major like communications because it's easy. You will just waste time/money and end up with the same poor job options as if you went straight into the workforce.
Now if you truly believe you can do this, then explain in 1 sentence why they should let you stay. I cannot stress how important it is to make your essay 1 very brief and succinct reason, and then you can just support it, or explain what you've learned from your mistakes. If you just meander you'll never get approved.
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EPT
