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This is just a bunch of depressing, emo bullshit.
+ Show Spoiler +
Gotta vent again.
So I just graduated college in software engineering. There is an incredibly hot girl waiting for me at my hometown I'm looking forward to see. In the last three years, I've lost 100 lbs. I powerlift - my working squat went from 145 lbs to 225 lbs this semester, my deadlift from 185 to 275. My sc2 ladder rank is 2000 diamond.
And yet, I regularly have panic attacks because I feel like a fake. I'm not strong, I'm not smart, I'm not going to 'make it.' Despite graduating college... I can't code for shit and don't feel like I'll be able to get a job. My family is so proud - I feel like I'm lying to them. Nobody gets why I'm upset because on paper, I should be fantastic. Its almost insulting to those less fortunate for me to be upset - I won't ever starve to death, I'll always have a roof over my head, and I have plenty of friends, both in college and back home.
But every day I want to die, though I know I'm not selfish enough to go that route.
Ugh... the crashes always happen after playing sc2.. I die over and over. I do something stupid, I die to something stupid, and it just sends me into this spiral of self-loathing. What the hell is wrong with me?
 
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konadora
Singapore66202 Posts
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often.
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First off, dude you are not a failure so stop being a baby.
Secondly, I chuckled when you are talking about your buffness and then mentioned your SC2 rating haha.
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On December 12 2010 15:22 konadora wrote:
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often.
I don't know where confidence is supposed to come from. I've worked hard to get where I am but I still feel empty.
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You're strong and smart, it's your expectations that are unrealistic. Stop trying to be perfect, even Flash loses. The job thing you will get the majority of your relevant training on the job, as long as you've got the piece of paper you'll be fine.
Things will turn out fine, try not to worry so much.
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Try watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
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On December 12 2010 15:28 neobowman wrote:
Try watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
I'll check it out - the last anime I watched was FLCL however many years ago and that helped with issues I had at the time.
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You suck + Show Spoiler +
Everyone pretends to be better than they are, no such thing as being perfect.
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Damn dude, you're like the complete opposite of me. I just got done with a 4 year military term after dropping out of High School in the 9th grade. I just BARELY got accepted into some shitty college, and I'm probably going to struggle like a MOFO with COMPSCI. Don't have many friends besides all the military ones I left behind. I am however 2000 on SC2 like you! One up!
But, bad shit just makes you more impervious to bullshit!
Remember there are starving kids in Africa, one sleight tilted of magical forces and you could of been one!
GL
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On December 12 2010 15:27 Scarecrow wrote:
You're strong and smart, it's your expectations that are unrealistic. Stop trying to be perfect, even Flash loses. The job thing you will get the majority of your relevant training on the job, as long as you've got the piece of paper you'll be fine.
Things will turn out fine, try not to worry so much.
Thanks.
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You might be suffering from something called imposter syndrome. From wikipedia:
The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. It is not an officially recognized psychological disorder but has been the subject of numerous books and articles by psychologists and educators. The term was coined by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978.[1]
Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study or what external proof they may have of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced internally they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are actually frauds. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
It's pretty common... google to find out more.
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You sounds like me... except I'm skinny as shit and still in college. But the point is, you're feeling "fake" because you lack "self-esteem", which is imo a gene thing you inherit from your parents, and it will take a lot of efforts to change. I haven't found an effective way to fix it, but I think you just need to stop caring about what everyone think of you and do what you wanna do.
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Another option is spending some time doing volunteering in another area which needs help. Engineering without borders is a great program as an example. Once you see the real impact you can do to help people, it will not only make you happier, but it will give you the confidence you need to realize you are not useless and not fake.
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United States24701 Posts
You seem to need somebody to talk this out with. A social worker could help you put your thoughts into perspective. I'm not suggesting this as a negative... most people would actually benefit from this, but you could probably use a second opinion from an unbiased source (since your family would just be like "oh don't be ridiculous you are wonderful <etc.>").
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On December 12 2010 15:27 Rudiment wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2010 15:22 konadora wrote:
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often. I don't know where confidence is supposed to come from. I've worked hard to get where I am but I still feel empty.
Confidence comes from attitude.
Attitude is an accumulation of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Your thoughts and feelings are likely your biggest issue here. Get a mentor imho.
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United States12607 Posts
Micronesia gives good advice. Also, if you consistently feel this way there is a small chance that you are just (medically) depressed (which has to do with chemicals in your brain, not your quality of life) and could greatly benefit from some therapy and/or medicine. I mean, it's at least something to check out. I have several friends who were at one point in your position, and those that did talk to a professional about it are all glad that they did.
In the meantime, continue to kick ass at the gym, savor your new degree, and fuck that girl  and while you're doing those things, think about all the people who are incapable of them! That might help.
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Don't feel too bad about not being good at programming. School's often not very good at teaching useful things anyways. They have a word for it, reality shock, when you go from school to the real world and realize you don't know anything.
And I wouldn't play starcraft if it makes you feel that way. Play something that's easy (cough...fps). When I feel shitty, there's nothing like shooting some noob 12 year old in the face.
I'd also talk to someone about what you're feeling. Depending on where you are, doctors are free to talk to, and if you can get a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist, they can help you to work through your problems. It doesn't mean you're crazy either, everyone goes through ups and downs.
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To build confidence / ability in programming:
Solve some real life problems & produce your own works. Esp if you have a supportive community to work in like the forum.unity3d.com of 4 years ago (just an example). It will pay off way better than school, at least thats my experience. Although I learned it before going to college so it was different for me. But I met a whole lot of really cool people and actually ended up getting well paying jobs from being recognized in the community. And I don't know my shit at all, I just tried really hard for a long time and applied my obsessive side to it and cool stuff came out.
it sounds like you have some deep psychological issues. it sounds like its more complicated than typical i-sit-on-my-ass-all-day depression that myself and alot of other people have so idk what to tell you about it.
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Find a hobby that makes you happy like playing music! It will get your mind off of it, and no video games don't count, should generally be something thats done by yourself or at least isn't competetive. Will take a lot of the stress away.
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EPT
