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This is just a bunch of depressing, emo bullshit.
+ Show Spoiler +
Gotta vent again.
So I just graduated college in software engineering. There is an incredibly hot girl waiting for me at my hometown I'm looking forward to see. In the last three years, I've lost 100 lbs. I powerlift - my working squat went from 145 lbs to 225 lbs this semester, my deadlift from 185 to 275. My sc2 ladder rank is 2000 diamond.
And yet, I regularly have panic attacks because I feel like a fake. I'm not strong, I'm not smart, I'm not going to 'make it.' Despite graduating college... I can't code for shit and don't feel like I'll be able to get a job. My family is so proud - I feel like I'm lying to them. Nobody gets why I'm upset because on paper, I should be fantastic. Its almost insulting to those less fortunate for me to be upset - I won't ever starve to death, I'll always have a roof over my head, and I have plenty of friends, both in college and back home.
But every day I want to die, though I know I'm not selfish enough to go that route.
Ugh... the crashes always happen after playing sc2.. I die over and over. I do something stupid, I die to something stupid, and it just sends me into this spiral of self-loathing. What the hell is wrong with me?
 
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konadora
Singapore66161 Posts
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often.
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First off, dude you are not a failure so stop being a baby.
Secondly, I chuckled when you are talking about your buffness and then mentioned your SC2 rating haha.
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On December 12 2010 15:22 konadora wrote:
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often.
I don't know where confidence is supposed to come from. I've worked hard to get where I am but I still feel empty.
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You're strong and smart, it's your expectations that are unrealistic. Stop trying to be perfect, even Flash loses. The job thing you will get the majority of your relevant training on the job, as long as you've got the piece of paper you'll be fine.
Things will turn out fine, try not to worry so much.
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Try watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
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On December 12 2010 15:28 neobowman wrote:
Try watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
I'll check it out - the last anime I watched was FLCL however many years ago and that helped with issues I had at the time.
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You suck + Show Spoiler +
Everyone pretends to be better than they are, no such thing as being perfect.
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Damn dude, you're like the complete opposite of me. I just got done with a 4 year military term after dropping out of High School in the 9th grade. I just BARELY got accepted into some shitty college, and I'm probably going to struggle like a MOFO with COMPSCI. Don't have many friends besides all the military ones I left behind. I am however 2000 on SC2 like you! One up!
But, bad shit just makes you more impervious to bullshit!
Remember there are starving kids in Africa, one sleight tilted of magical forces and you could of been one!
GL
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On December 12 2010 15:27 Scarecrow wrote:
You're strong and smart, it's your expectations that are unrealistic. Stop trying to be perfect, even Flash loses. The job thing you will get the majority of your relevant training on the job, as long as you've got the piece of paper you'll be fine.
Things will turn out fine, try not to worry so much.
Thanks.
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You might be suffering from something called imposter syndrome. From wikipedia:
The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. It is not an officially recognized psychological disorder but has been the subject of numerous books and articles by psychologists and educators. The term was coined by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978.[1]
Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study or what external proof they may have of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced internally they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are actually frauds. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
It's pretty common... google to find out more.
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You sounds like me... except I'm skinny as shit and still in college. But the point is, you're feeling "fake" because you lack "self-esteem", which is imo a gene thing you inherit from your parents, and it will take a lot of efforts to change. I haven't found an effective way to fix it, but I think you just need to stop caring about what everyone think of you and do what you wanna do.
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Another option is spending some time doing volunteering in another area which needs help. Engineering without borders is a great program as an example. Once you see the real impact you can do to help people, it will not only make you happier, but it will give you the confidence you need to realize you are not useless and not fake.
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United States24680 Posts
You seem to need somebody to talk this out with. A social worker could help you put your thoughts into perspective. I'm not suggesting this as a negative... most people would actually benefit from this, but you could probably use a second opinion from an unbiased source (since your family would just be like "oh don't be ridiculous you are wonderful <etc.>").
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On December 12 2010 15:27 Rudiment wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2010 15:22 konadora wrote:
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often. I don't know where confidence is supposed to come from. I've worked hard to get where I am but I still feel empty.
Confidence comes from attitude.
Attitude is an accumulation of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Your thoughts and feelings are likely your biggest issue here. Get a mentor imho.
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United States12607 Posts
Micronesia gives good advice. Also, if you consistently feel this way there is a small chance that you are just (medically) depressed (which has to do with chemicals in your brain, not your quality of life) and could greatly benefit from some therapy and/or medicine. I mean, it's at least something to check out. I have several friends who were at one point in your position, and those that did talk to a professional about it are all glad that they did.
In the meantime, continue to kick ass at the gym, savor your new degree, and fuck that girl  and while you're doing those things, think about all the people who are incapable of them! That might help.
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Don't feel too bad about not being good at programming. School's often not very good at teaching useful things anyways. They have a word for it, reality shock, when you go from school to the real world and realize you don't know anything.
And I wouldn't play starcraft if it makes you feel that way. Play something that's easy (cough...fps). When I feel shitty, there's nothing like shooting some noob 12 year old in the face.
I'd also talk to someone about what you're feeling. Depending on where you are, doctors are free to talk to, and if you can get a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist, they can help you to work through your problems. It doesn't mean you're crazy either, everyone goes through ups and downs.
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To build confidence / ability in programming:
Solve some real life problems & produce your own works. Esp if you have a supportive community to work in like the forum.unity3d.com of 4 years ago (just an example). It will pay off way better than school, at least thats my experience. Although I learned it before going to college so it was different for me. But I met a whole lot of really cool people and actually ended up getting well paying jobs from being recognized in the community. And I don't know my shit at all, I just tried really hard for a long time and applied my obsessive side to it and cool stuff came out.
it sounds like you have some deep psychological issues. it sounds like its more complicated than typical i-sit-on-my-ass-all-day depression that myself and alot of other people have so idk what to tell you about it.
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Find a hobby that makes you happy like playing music! It will get your mind off of it, and no video games don't count, should generally be something thats done by yourself or at least isn't competetive. Will take a lot of the stress away.
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Take micro's advice. Mine's gonna be the same. Talk to someone about it. Go to the doc's.
I had a very similar problem revolving around an inferiority complex, and I was very very reluctant to go in and talk about it. Mind you, I take eight medications for mental health issues so it wasn't because I was like "oh shit people are gonna know I'm depressed I can't tell anyone". It was more...it felt like it added to my failure, or my expectations of myself (or what I thought other people expected of me).
Find a doctor, talk to them about depression. The first time I went in to talk to someone about it, they gave me a little sheet of paper that was a bunch of questions. Rate 1-5, yes/no, etc. That sheet, at least in my area, covers all sorts of mental health goodies, so they can tell if it's depression / anxiety, it gives them somewhere to start. It sounds a little bit like depression/anxiety which is very common.
Don't think of it as "something is wrong with me" either, if they do diagnose you with anything. It's obvious you know where your life stands, and the great things you've done and will do. Instead of "something is wrong with me" it should be "I'm allowing myself to appreciate all the great things around me" ...or you'll go to a doctor and they'll just say you need to build up some confidence and give you a therapist to go and set an appointment with at your leisure. You really can't be at a disadvantage talking about it!
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Never thought I'd say this, but stop playing Starcraft so much. 80 percent of the time, when a person is feeling bad or inadequate for seemingly no reason, it means they need A: Exercise and B: Sun. You obviously get some good exercise, but your body might be telling you it needs to be outside some more. Forget about your rank and find something fun to do outside, like fishing or just running.
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Most of my friends who have finished college don't know much about their degrees field and most did't even get work related to their degrees. They are all doing fine. Spend a little less time at the gym and do some yoga or some shit to calm your ass down, no one knows what they want to do when they finish. Take some time off get a shitty job save some money and travel for a few months then just work one thing out at a time when you get home.
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Its all just about perspective. Think of how many people high in government are actually qualified for their positions? How many people have simply bought their way into success without knowing jack shit other than daddy has money?
You aren't a giant slab of dick are you? Then all will work out in the end. Be good to people, and the world will show you kindness with time. It also seems like you're made some real improvements to your condition! I wish I could even lift over 100 lbs >.<
And of course you said it yourself, you're pretty fucking lucky dude. You went to college, got to go to parties and have a fun life (maybe? sure hope you've had some fun atleast) You're not some kid in Africa with no food, no parents and no future.
Even if you aren't a massive success, people still enjoy your company no? People would be sad if you were to leave.
Oh, almost forgot. The best advice ever. Go smoke a bowl outside away from EVERYTHING. Like a place where if you do a 360, you don't see a single road/house.
That will fix your head right up.
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Canada13389 Posts
I'm with micronesia, its not a bad thing to see a counsellor in fact they can often help you to examine your accomplishments objectively in order to improve your outlook on life. Its really just someone to talk to since thats the best thing to do is talk it out
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This sounds more than just a confidence issue. It's already been suggested by getting therapy would be a good start.
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Confess yourself (your conscience & worries) toward God, regardless of you are a believer or not. There is nothing bad that can come from it, rather the opposite.
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Keep in mind that a college degree teaches you so little in the grand scheme of engineering despite the fact that it is a hard degree to pick up.
You proved you could GET an engineering degree, which is what prospective hirers want. They know they need to fill you in. Source: My engineering dad and my engineering classes which sure as hell aren't covering the stuff he does on a daily basis.
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On December 12 2010 16:14 `Zapdos wrote:
Find a hobby that makes you happy like playing music! It will get your mind off of it, and no video games don't count, should generally be something thats done by yourself or at least isn't competetive. Will take a lot of the stress away.
quoted for truth. really this is the only advice so far that will help.
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Some good advice here.
Truth is, I've worked a while in the tech industry and run into a lot of computer "programmers" who can't do shit. I'm not saying you are one of them, but it's common because a lot of software engineers and developers are in it for the work opportunities/degree, not because they are total geeks who began programming when they were twelve. And how do they cope? By focusing on the "soft" skills like managing expectations, being personable and easy to work with, or even sucking up to the boss, because it keeps them in their job.
You will find something because you want to...right?
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On December 12 2010 15:26 AppleTart wrote:
First off, dude you are not a failure so stop being a baby.
Secondly, I chuckled when you are talking about your buffness and then mentioned your SC2 rating haha.
you never ever ever EVER tell a depressed person to stfu and suck it up
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One advice I'd give you is to find a RL person you can share your thoughts and problems with. A talk with a complete stranger make work as well - it's easier to share something really troubling over a beer with a random guy you have never seen and probably won't see in the future.
Secondly from my experience, after school a lot of shit things has happened in my life, including daily work torments that in the end made me stronger than I was before. Now I'm not really looking back, or hoping for the future. But I'm not feeling so lost at the same time and have more confidence in everyday life.
I guess having good people around you makes the time worthwhile.
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On December 12 2010 15:27 Rudiment wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2010 15:22 konadora wrote:
you just need more confidence. you've got something to look forward to, that's a really good thing and doesn't come very often. I don't know where confidence is supposed to come from. I've worked hard to get where I am but I still feel empty.
You don't need confidence, just the awareness that everyone else thinks the same damn thing in their head. Go out and relish the mediocrity. Seriously. And find another job if you don't like software engineering. Absolutely nothing wrong with hopping jobs, especially in the modern day economy. Other than that, you sound like you're having a fantastic life. It's stressful but eventually you'll pull your professional life together and figure out what direction you want to go. Just keep taking care of the other aspects of your life while figuring that out. Don't let it drag you down and ruin the good shit you have. That'll make things worse.
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All unhappiness comes from comparison. Regarding programming, if you can actually graduate, you're probably better than 99% of people - what you're comparing yourself to (perhaps subconciously?) is the people who have had 20 years of experience in programming: take up a project, develop a game and sell it on Steam (Steamworks allows you to sell any indie game on Steam and you get 100% of the profits); what do you have to lose, if you're always going to have a roof over your head? Even if the game doesn't sell much, it'll still boost your confidence (it'll prove to yourself that you CAN program), as long as you have the perseverence to finish it.
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go to rsdnation dot com forum. you will learn everything you need to know about confidence.
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I can't code for shit either... I hope I will be able to once I graduate and will just rely a lot on forums like that reddit link someone mentioned said to do.
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On December 12 2010 15:57 eLiE wrote:
Don't feel too bad about not being good at programming. School's often not very good at teaching useful things anyways. They have a word for it, reality shock, when you go from school to the real world and realize you don't know anything.
And I wouldn't play starcraft if it makes you feel that way. Play something that's easy (cough...fps). When I feel shitty, there's nothing like shooting some noob 12 year old in the face.
I'd also talk to someone about what you're feeling. Depending on where you are, doctors are free to talk to, and if you can get a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist, they can help you to work through your problems. It doesn't mean you're crazy either, everyone goes through ups and downs.
+1
Not many people are very good coders right after school. You need to learn that on the job. You're really just at the beginning of your journey!
I know a lot of people who get down and super frustrated with themselves after a losing streak in SC2, so it's pretty normal, but if you feel that bad you might want to talk to someone else about it, like micro said, and get another opinion.
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I would say take a break and travel. Do something that you never thought you would do or learn something you never thought you would learn.
Go out and interact more with people.
Its good you have a strong competitive streak but it can also drive you to madness.
If you have younger siblings, try teaching them something. Seeing them succeed at something you taught them will make you feel much better about yourself.
If you don't have that option, try doing some charity work. The process of seeing that we are making a difference in somebody else's life, especially one less fortunate than us, gives our life meaning and correspondingly will make us happier.
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I feel the same way sometimes. The same kind of self-loathing. Getting things which are supposed to be achievements and then not feeling good about them at all, sometimes just feeling worse.
Only thing that helps for me is to just keep going, try to improve myself in ways that I think are important (as opposed to what's supposed to be important according to our culture), and try not to entertain self-loathing thoughts when I realise I'm having them. It's always just a phase in which I realise later that I'm making things out to be a lot worse than they are, and forgetting about things which are good. I don't know if it is the same for you.
In any case, being good on paper is what will get you the job, so don't worry about that After that you'll learn the job (if you work with a company someone will teach you... If you do contract work then you will learn yourself when you need to).
Good luck good luck. I hope you feel better soon.
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My one piece of advice having suffered from anxiety and depression my entire youth and teen years, and even now occasionally, just go talk to someone, be it a social worker, a psychiatrist or psychologist, just talk to someone. Don't stuff the emotions inside, they will only get stronger. I managed to finally get my depression and anxiety under control with medication, it helped me because I had a true medical cause, a chemical imbalance that was genetic. But with therapy and meds I finally was able to break out of my shell and do what I really wanted to do, graduate college, work as a firefighter/paramedic and work on becoming a part time flight medic. Don't let the depression rule your life, give it a big ol' middle finger and do what you want.
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EPT
