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Teaching My Girlfriend to Play Starcraft

Blogs > floor exercise
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1 2 Next All
floor exercise
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Canada5847 Posts
October 25 2010 22:04 GMT
#1
"Alright, let's try again. Can you tell me what this?" I said, trying to keep the edge from my voice as I raised the first of the home-made flash cards.

We had been at this for half a day now, the sun was setting, my stomach was rumbling and my head was throbbing. I could feel the pressure in my skull rising as if my brain was seeking escape, trying to find any crack or fissure from which it could squeeze itself out of my head and escape this oppressive aura of stupidity surrounding our kitchen table where we now sat.

If she could but memorize these cards I would consider this day not entirely a waste. The lie I told myself that once we broke through this initial blockade my knowledge would flow unimpeded into this empty vessel before me was becoming less and less believable as the hours passed. How could she not have committed these cards to memory yet? There were only two, after all.

"Mouse?" her hesitant response came.

"And this one?" I asked, raising the second card, my hands trembling in anticipation. She looked at it, her head cocked to one side as she struggled to recall the name of the input device before her. Her fingers playing with a stray lock of her golden brown hair.

Please, I silently begged her, don't get distracted now. Focus, you know this. You at least posses the wits to use the process of elimination, I know you do. With each passing second I could sense the ticks of the clock above us slowing, getting louder, like tiny detonations in my frontal lobe, brilliant white flashes obscuring my vision. She's not going to get it, the experiment is a failure. I cannot open your eyes to this strange and magnificent world that you so wish to share with me. I cannot make more of you than the beautiful but vacuous, animated incubator of my offspring that you are, with your brilliant smile that springs to your adorable face at the sight of shiny objects. No dear, don't blame yourself, it's not you. I am the true failure here.

She can see the disappointment on my face. I can no longer will myself to hide it, the foundations of my stolid expression have been so thoroughly chipped away, and another of my pathetic inadequacies is exposed this day.

A determined if somewhat puerile look crosses her face, no longer playing with her hair, her small hand forming a tiny fist that she slams onto the kitchen table, knocking the salt and pepper shakers from the garish lazy susan adorning the center of the table, a house warming gift from her parents.

"Keyboard!" she shouts in triumph.

The card slips from my hands, a rogue breeze from the open window catches it, sending it gently careening to the floor, a fitting parallel to the table I have now overturned, heaving it with all my might to get to her, to embrace her. The table crashes against the counter, causing a chain reaction of pots and pans tumbling from the cupboards, a cacophony of noise as I hoist her into the air, spinning her round, both of us laughing and cheering and loving each other.

I knew when I set out to teach her how to play Starcraft 2 that it would be difficult. I knew before I even started that I might fail, I might even begin to resent myself, or even her. What I didn't know is how incredible it would feel to make even this amount of headway. As I sit and type this, my chest still swells with pride from my small accomplishment this day.

"Can you teach me" she had asked, one fall afternoon not long ago. I told her that I could, and I intend to do just that.

*****
SolHeiM
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Sweden1264 Posts
October 25 2010 22:09 GMT
#2
Is your girlfriend by any chance a two year-old?
bakedace
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States672 Posts
October 25 2010 22:14 GMT
#3
Well written.. I'm really surprised that some normal people still didn't know what a mouse and keyboard is...
Rhyme
Profile Joined May 2010
United States1069 Posts
October 25 2010 22:14 GMT
#4
hahahahahahahaha 5/5 you're a really hilarious writer. love the line about the lazy susan ^^
dont ever say that
neobowman
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
Canada3324 Posts
October 25 2010 22:15 GMT
#5
Great read
Whole
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States6046 Posts
October 25 2010 22:15 GMT
#6
floor exercise, you're my second favorite person on TL. I love your blogs.
iNcontroL *
Profile Blog Joined July 2004
USA29055 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-25 22:16:56
October 25 2010 22:16 GMT
#7
Also this 2 year is apparently dating a person who wants to be Henry David Thoreau
Zergneedsfood
Profile Blog Joined September 2008
United States10671 Posts
October 25 2010 22:17 GMT
#8
lol 5/5 would read again.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\ Make a contract with me and join TLADT | Onodera isn't actually a girl, she's just a doormat you walk over to get to the girl. - Numy 2015
Gummy
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
United States2180 Posts
October 25 2010 22:17 GMT
#9
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
seRapH
Profile Blog Joined April 2009
United States9756 Posts
October 25 2010 22:19 GMT
#10
lol wtf
On October 26 2010 07:16 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
Also this 2 year is apparently dating a person who wants to be Henry David Thoreau

so true
boomer hands
rei
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
United States3594 Posts
October 25 2010 22:29 GMT
#11
wow such artistic description of emotions, so much detail Teach us your secret to good writing plz !!
GET OUT OF MY BASE CHILL
SolHeiM
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Sweden1264 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-25 22:34:42
October 25 2010 22:34 GMT
#12
On October 26 2010 07:29 rei wrote:
wow such artistic description of emotions, so much detail Teach us your secret to good writing plz !!


Read a lot, write a lot. Every day, 365 days a year and eventually you'll become a good writer. Whether or not you're a great storyteller however, is what separates us regular mortals from Stephen King, Rowling, etc..
Congism
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Scotland123 Posts
October 25 2010 22:36 GMT
#13
I am surprised i enjoyed reading that, but i did.
frogmelter
Profile Blog Joined April 2009
United States971 Posts
October 25 2010 22:38 GMT
#14
Wait it took her two hours to learn what a mouse looked like and what a keyboard looked like?
TL+ Member
Crais
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
Canada2136 Posts
October 25 2010 22:43 GMT
#15
5/5 Youre a fantastic writer.
RIP MBC Game Hero
VonLego
Profile Joined June 2010
United States519 Posts
October 25 2010 22:44 GMT
#16
This was amazing and I laughed out loud heartily.
Karliath
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States2214 Posts
October 25 2010 23:32 GMT
#17
Unless I missed some kind of metaphor with my quick scan of the op, you need to get a new girlfriend.
Hesmyrr
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Canada5776 Posts
October 25 2010 23:32 GMT
#18
LOLOLOL.
Now lemme quickly rummage up a phone call to police...
"If watching the MSL finals makes you a progamer, then anyone in Korea can do it." - Ha Tae Ki
floor exercise
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Canada5847 Posts
October 26 2010 00:38 GMT
#19
On October 26 2010 08:32 Karliath wrote:
Unless I missed some kind of metaphor with my quick scan of the op, you need to get a new girlfriend.

I was attempting to satirize the "how do I teach a girl to play" threads that seem to pop up like clockwork, but apparently more people are getting Starcraft Lolita vibes from it. I guess I can see that.

Raeleigh
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
Canada902 Posts
October 26 2010 00:45 GMT
#20
On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T

Yeah they are.
*is an example of that*
you are perfect porcelain.
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