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"Alright, let's try again. Can you tell me what this?" I said, trying to keep the edge from my voice as I raised the first of the home-made flash cards.
We had been at this for half a day now, the sun was setting, my stomach was rumbling and my head was throbbing. I could feel the pressure in my skull rising as if my brain was seeking escape, trying to find any crack or fissure from which it could squeeze itself out of my head and escape this oppressive aura of stupidity surrounding our kitchen table where we now sat.
If she could but memorize these cards I would consider this day not entirely a waste. The lie I told myself that once we broke through this initial blockade my knowledge would flow unimpeded into this empty vessel before me was becoming less and less believable as the hours passed. How could she not have committed these cards to memory yet? There were only two, after all.
"Mouse?" her hesitant response came.
"And this one?" I asked, raising the second card, my hands trembling in anticipation. She looked at it, her head cocked to one side as she struggled to recall the name of the input device before her. Her fingers playing with a stray lock of her golden brown hair.
Please, I silently begged her, don't get distracted now. Focus, you know this. You at least posses the wits to use the process of elimination, I know you do. With each passing second I could sense the ticks of the clock above us slowing, getting louder, like tiny detonations in my frontal lobe, brilliant white flashes obscuring my vision. She's not going to get it, the experiment is a failure. I cannot open your eyes to this strange and magnificent world that you so wish to share with me. I cannot make more of you than the beautiful but vacuous, animated incubator of my offspring that you are, with your brilliant smile that springs to your adorable face at the sight of shiny objects. No dear, don't blame yourself, it's not you. I am the true failure here.
She can see the disappointment on my face. I can no longer will myself to hide it, the foundations of my stolid expression have been so thoroughly chipped away, and another of my pathetic inadequacies is exposed this day.
A determined if somewhat puerile look crosses her face, no longer playing with her hair, her small hand forming a tiny fist that she slams onto the kitchen table, knocking the salt and pepper shakers from the garish lazy susan adorning the center of the table, a house warming gift from her parents.
"Keyboard!" she shouts in triumph.
The card slips from my hands, a rogue breeze from the open window catches it, sending it gently careening to the floor, a fitting parallel to the table I have now overturned, heaving it with all my might to get to her, to embrace her. The table crashes against the counter, causing a chain reaction of pots and pans tumbling from the cupboards, a cacophony of noise as I hoist her into the air, spinning her round, both of us laughing and cheering and loving each other.
I knew when I set out to teach her how to play Starcraft 2 that it would be difficult. I knew before I even started that I might fail, I might even begin to resent myself, or even her. What I didn't know is how incredible it would feel to make even this amount of headway. As I sit and type this, my chest still swells with pride from my small accomplishment this day.
"Can you teach me" she had asked, one fall afternoon not long ago. I told her that I could, and I intend to do just that.
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Is your girlfriend by any chance a two year-old?
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Well written.. I'm really surprised that some normal people still didn't know what a mouse and keyboard is...
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hahahahahahahaha 5/5 you're a really hilarious writer. love the line about the lazy susan ^^
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floor exercise, you're my second favorite person on TL. I love your blogs.
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
Also this 2 year is apparently dating a person who wants to be Henry David Thoreau
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lol 5/5 would read again.
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Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T
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lol wtf
On October 26 2010 07:16 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
Also this 2 year is apparently dating a person who wants to be Henry David Thoreau
so true 
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wow such artistic description of emotions, so much detail  Teach us your secret to good writing plz !!
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On October 26 2010 07:29 rei wrote:wow such artistic description of emotions, so much detail Teach us your secret to good writing plz !!
Read a lot, write a lot. Every day, 365 days a year and eventually you'll become a good writer. Whether or not you're a great storyteller however, is what separates us regular mortals from Stephen King, Rowling, etc..
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I am surprised i enjoyed reading that, but i did.
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Wait it took her two hours to learn what a mouse looked like and what a keyboard looked like?
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5/5 Youre a fantastic writer.
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This was amazing and I laughed out loud heartily.
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Unless I missed some kind of metaphor with my quick scan of the op, you need to get a new girlfriend.
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LOLOLOL.
Now lemme quickly rummage up a phone call to police...
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On October 26 2010 08:32 Karliath wrote:
Unless I missed some kind of metaphor with my quick scan of the op, you need to get a new girlfriend.
I was attempting to satirize the "how do I teach a girl to play" threads that seem to pop up like clockwork, but apparently more people are getting Starcraft Lolita vibes from it. I guess I can see that.
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On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T
Yeah they are.
*is an example of that*
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Excellent work, and definitely a hilarious break from the threads attempting to garner advice for teaching someone starcraft. I mean, you could just let them play the game or something.
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with your brilliant smile that springs to your adorable face at the sight of shiny objects
Wow...not what I expected when I clicked this thread.
Hilarious, and well written. 5/5 :D
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On October 26 2010 09:45 Raeleigh wrote:Show nested quote +On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T Yeah they are. *is an example of that*
Small sample size?
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Floor exercise, your blogs are my absolute favorite. I kid you not when I say that my heart fluttered in anticipation when I saw your name with this title in the blog list. This blog and the one about your tryst with a scheming vixen on the night of SC2's release are amazing.
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On October 26 2010 16:53 Peanutsc wrote:Show nested quote +On October 26 2010 09:45 Raeleigh wrote:On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T Yeah they are. *is an example of that* Small sample size?
Let's play!
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On October 27 2010 04:50 Bereft wrote:
Floor exercise, your blogs are my absolute favorite. I kid you not when I say that my heart fluttered in anticipation when I saw your name with this title in the blog list. This blog and the one about your tryst with a scheming vixen on the night of SC2's release are amazing.
Wow thanks. Not just to you but to everyone who so much as said "hahaha"
It's nice when people take the time to read what you write and actually enjoy it. I feel the need to reciprocate by reading other peoples effort blogs now
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On October 27 2010 06:52 floor exercise wrote:Show nested quote +On October 27 2010 04:50 Bereft wrote:
Floor exercise, your blogs are my absolute favorite. I kid you not when I say that my heart fluttered in anticipation when I saw your name with this title in the blog list. This blog and the one about your tryst with a scheming vixen on the night of SC2's release are amazing. Wow thanks. Not just to you but to everyone who so much as said "hahaha" It's nice when people take the time to read what you write and actually enjoy it. I feel the need to reciprocate by reading other peoples effort blogs now
Can you write a book please =D?
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Skimmed - confirmed greatness and read.
Was not dissapoint'.
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On October 27 2010 04:52 Raeleigh wrote:Show nested quote +On October 26 2010 16:53 Peanutsc wrote:On October 26 2010 09:45 Raeleigh wrote:On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T Yeah they are. *is an example of that* Small sample size? Let's play!
this thread rules!
Raeleigh vs PeanutSc grudge match gogo!
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Wow what great writing skill you have man don't teach your to play sc 2 teach her to write well :D
I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for it. : )
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On October 27 2010 11:38 Licmyobelisk wrote:Show nested quote +On October 27 2010 04:52 Raeleigh wrote:On October 26 2010 16:53 Peanutsc wrote:On October 26 2010 09:45 Raeleigh wrote:On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T Yeah they are. *is an example of that* Small sample size? Let's play! this thread rules! Raeleigh vs PeanutSc grudge match gogo!
peanut being korean cancels out the fact that she's a girl so she's at least as good as a white male.
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Why must all of your posts be so witty! I remember this one form a while back:
"I lie in wait, biding my time. Finally I see my opening, a lull in the action, with my progamer level hand speed, my mouse is released from my sweaty clutches, my middle finger depresses the return key as my hands find the homerow on my keyboard in one fluid motion, I release my assault on my opponent at over 120 wpm, "you skilless newbie faggot" appears on my opponents screen, my bony fingers deftlessly found their keys with the rapidity of a chickens beak pecking at morsels of corn. My opponents reactions are as if he was playing in a vat of molasses, I give him no quarter, no possible chance to come back from my game ending blow. Before his inferior mind can even process what has occurred and he can respond, the victory box appears on his screen, denying him any hopes of retaliation. The day is won. I lean back in my chair, crack my knuckles, and prepare myself for another day of doing laundry for the real pros."
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lol, i'm teaching my roommate bw so I can relate! He's really not much better than your gf tbh though...
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On October 27 2010 14:26 Loser777 wrote:
Why must all of your posts be so witty! I remember this one form a while back:
"I lie in wait, biding my time. Finally I see my opening, a lull in the action, with my progamer level hand speed, my mouse is released from my sweaty clutches, my middle finger depresses the return key as my hands find the homerow on my keyboard in one fluid motion, I release my assault on my opponent at over 120 wpm, "you skilless newbie faggot" appears on my opponents screen, my bony fingers deftlessly found their keys with the rapidity of a chickens beak pecking at morsels of corn. My opponents reactions are as if he was playing in a vat of molasses, I give him no quarter, no possible chance to come back from my game ending blow. Before his inferior mind can even process what has occurred and he can respond, the victory box appears on his screen, denying him any hopes of retaliation. The day is won. I lean back in my chair, crack my knuckles, and prepare myself for another day of doing laundry for the real pros."
Another gem:
On June 12 2009 05:36 floor exercise wrote:
Honestly you aren't going to get anywhere over the phone. Arguing with people over the phone is like one step up from arguing with them on the internet, nothing will be accomplished and you will remain the uneducated blight on society that you currently are. Drive down to their campus and show them you mean business. I also suggest bringing a firearm because really there's nothing better to show that you are not to be fucked with than a loaded weapon. "Fortes fortuna adiuvat" as they say in Latin. Of course your stupid ass probably doesn't speak Latin having never attended any post secondary learning institutions being the human filth that you are so I will translate: fortune favors the bold.
Sorry I am probably coming off a lot more creepy than I actually am  . But in my defense this was an extremely memorable post!
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On October 26 2010 09:45 Raeleigh wrote:Show nested quote +On October 26 2010 07:17 Gummy wrote:
Girls aren't THAT bad at starcraft... T_T Yeah they are. *is an example of that*
Yo. I hear if you pick protoss, you just build zealots and rally the gateways to your opponent's base, and that pretty much works until you're against people who know how to play. And in PvT it works basically until the D+ level, at which point people start being able to micro AND macro.
So yeah. BW is pretty easy.
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EPT
