A diagnosis of Aspergers is a slippery slope.

TL:DR anyway to get motivated and get back a lust for life?

On February 17 2016 17:59 firehand101 wrote:
First of all, you can never blame anyone. Your parents just wanted the best for you. All those teachers thought they were doing a good job when they were trying to drill you down; most people are terrified of something different and want everyone to behave and act the same for a lovey peaceful world (vomit). The teachers that didn't give a fuck about you were just bored of their job and just wanted easy money to bring home, which is what most people would do in their situation. That's just how people are.

They tried to make you like them. They tried to kill what made you unique. They tried to kill your spirit and your soul. JUST BY WRITING THIS POST I can see so clearly that it has failed.

A big fact you may not realize is that your lust for life is ALREADY IN YOU right now. This is because you know who you are; you know why you're different and what makes you an individual and you've never forgotten it. That is the most important thing we can hope to achieve in this life, knowledge of ourselves and who we are. Once you lose that, then it really is all over; then there won't be any more TL posts....you'll just be another cog in the machine.

As long as you never forget who you are and hold that close, you have a chance of staying 'alive'

So I end up at this school that's supposedly designed for high functioning autistic and aspergers pupils

On February 18 2016 20:10 IskatuMesk wrote:
The average price for housing here is much higher than that but the average education level for any non-East Indians is somewhere between caveman and ghetto level.



I was forced into different programs whose purpose was basically to section off people so no one else has to deal with them. Sounds similar. The similarities end there, though. I was harassed and attacked daily, my grandmother did her darnest to get rid of me until it became financially damaging to do so, and the systems suggested basically to throw me in a ditch. I was first diagnosed with ADHD then, between multiple months-long stays at the hospital, bipolar. It changed in 2009 to High Functioning Autism with traits of Schizophrenia. 100k is more than what we have made net in the last 16 years. My grandmother were actually 30k in debt for most of this time. She paid a debt solution thing to get rid of it only to go right back into debt the next month.

Unlike you I didn't socialize at all. I dropped out in grade 11 and never stepped outside other than starting in 2014 to go to the vet to try to save my cat. Other than my cat and sometimes my grandmother I have no conversions to a physical entity. Your meals are more expensive than what I've eaten, too. I've lived off of a cheaper version of ramen for my entire life, the most exotic food I've had is cereal and very very rarely (once a year or so) I have enough money for chinese food or something. I've also never owned (nor desired) a phone, but that will likely be more because I have always remained in a single spot and mobile is never a consideration. At this point in time I can't even walk since my knee is so bad but, even so, staying in place in total silence and darkness is my ideal place to be.

That you can do nothing about these things will erode at you as the years trickle on by. As my disabilities became stronger and crippled my ability to pursue my personal ventures, and my life's work died in my hands over 26 long years, I came to realize that my time, and all of the effort and tears and blood and sweat spent on trying to cling to that time, was a complete waste. in 2009 I gave up on the one thing that kept me going, and I attempted suicide multiple times. However, this is Canada, knives aren't sharp and no one has firearms, and most of our drugs aren't potent enough to harm you even when you down an entire bottle.

in 2006 all of our dogs were put down one by one and I was the one to carry them to their death, half due to age half due to cancer (heriditary). My dog was put down the same day we were evicted so our landlord could sell the house. With my disabilities any changes of environments are hard. Each and every single day I have nightmares about the house, the dogs, or my cat, who I have struggled with nonstop over the last two years to keep alive through perpetual eye ulcers. Between that and the physical pain of day to day living, the overwhelming anxiety and stress, life is rather miserable. Of course, like clockwork, we were evicted in 2014 as well and since housing in canada has gone up by four fold since before the pension and disability between my grandmother and I doesn't pay for rent much less food. We are far below the poverty line and it's only a matter of time until she caves in and moves into an apartment, which I will not enjoy, so at that stage I am going to down a bottle of warfarin and step in front of a train or bus. If my cat goes under before then, same thing. I am committed to ending this demented road here.

Although it may not seem like it, having real parents and the ability to function near people is an incredible blessing. I envy you greatly. My mother simply tried to kill me, and encouraged my grandmother to do so as well. I've never once seen my father. No child care from either of them. Rather, they stole my grandmother's husband's will money and left her with nothing.

I've done well to absolve my past, present, and future by acknowledging that all things are outside of one's control and that there is no point spending energy on emotion. The nonstop depression and anxiety has slowly burned away all of my humanity and left me with only isolation and anger. But anger is a useful emotion if you can keep it in check - it produces a driving force which can be directed to performing mundane tasks, like drinking or eating, which is about all I can manage to do during the times we have anything to eat. The joke that is Canadian mental health abandoned us at all roads and the doctor I tried to get to help just moved his practice after meeting me 2 years after we made an appointment (which is short as far as Canadian waiting lists are concerned).

Every day I consider what things could have been like had certain, simple elements been different. Had I parents, had the parents money, had I been born in a real country, had I been younger or older, a bit stronger, had the circumstances with housing and dogs been different etc. Your story provides me a window in one of the many possible alternative routes there could have been. I would have preferred it. Having someone who genuinely gave some shred of a shit about what you thought or said, even if it is only at surface value, is something I'll never experience no matter how many weeks I have left. I'll be 30 in one and a half years and I've never held eye contact, never held a conversation, never so much as been close to someone. None of this bothers me nearly as much as knowing I, as an individual, failed every single thing I set out to accomplish. The things I spent my every waking hour attempting to forge are all distant, bitter memories, and all things I want to do are merely the desperate dreams of a fool. I committed every ounce of my living energy into stepping forward towards what I believed in and I could not even crawl. I live as a shadow awaiting my appointed time to finally be free of it all. But I can't go yet. Not while my cat still needs me. I swore I would keep her safe until the end of her days or until I can no longer, and I am anything but a liar.

You can learn things, you say. Never, ever underestimate the value of this ability. You only come to realize the value of things after you lose them. Live your life and never forget the past, but don't let the past become your demon. The lessons learned therein should be only your lessons, not your tutor.