EPTFor those unfamiliar, when I make threads, they are long as fuck. I can't help it. It is a habit I have had since I first started posting on forums. I don't make many threads, but when I do... they are scary long. So... spare me the TL;DR. If that's the case, feel free to not post at all, because you didn’t even read it! Or you can skip down to the "*****" if you want to get to the action and skip the introduction.
Alright, prefaced! Let’s begin!
For those of you that followed the Ohio school shooting thread, you probably read some of my rants about psychopaths, school shootings and violent offenders in general. I am fascinated by school shooters, spree-killers and serial killers to the fullest extent one can be. More than anything, I am consumed with the same question everyone else is: Why? What creates these monsters? Why do they kill? How do they choose where they kill and who? Do they comprehend the nature of their actions? Are they crazy outcasts? Or are they cunning, likeable psychopaths?
I wasn't always interested in this. I read a lot of genres before I was enraptured by true-crime. But it was one book in particular that turned me onto the genre, and that book was Columbine by Dave Cullen. With the anniversary fast approaching, I thought it would be a good opportunity to start a discussion on the subject. It should be stated this thread is not about the book, it's about the actual incident. But the book is what got me interested in the incident so it's one of those 'the chicken or the egg' things. Columbine is a very divisive book. My intention is not to defend or condemn it. I loved it, but I could see the nit-picking, and felt a lot of it valid. This thread is more for people that haven't read the book than for people that have. There was a couple of things I wanted to do in this thread: Bring attention to the coming anniversary of the massacre and reiterate why we should never forget it; debunk what I consider the most pervasive myth, or misunderstanding, about Columbine; and lastly and most importantly, dive into the mind of one of the youngest, most fully realized psychopaths I have ever read about--in his own words.
There was one pervasive, all-encompassing question after Columbine: Why did they do it? This question seemed totally unanswerable for years and years after the tragedy. But the reality is, a top FBI profiler had their motives penned down about two weeks after the tragedy happened. And it wasn't because he was some genius... it was because both of the boys, specifically Eric Harris, left DETAILED journals kept for nearly A YEAR leading up to the attacks. Eric's existed for the SOUL purpose of explaining why he did it. The true bungling was the fact that the Jefferson County PD wouldn't let this investigator talk with ANYONE from the media until nearly two years after the attack. Thus, half-truths become full-truths in the absence of concrete evidence. Most of the "facts" were comprised exclusively of leaks.
I have read Columbine three times, most recently about two days ago. Every time I do, I instantly become re-obsessed with it. It fascinates me because, more than any psychopath I've ever read/read about, Eric Harris left the tools behind to be understood.
It's important to realize what Columbine was, and what it was not. We'll start with some of the under-reported stuff. Firstly, a lot of people don't realize Columbine was not planned as a shooting, not exclusively. Eric Harris loved making bombs. He spent literally a years’ worth of earnings on guns, knives, pipe bombs and ammunition. I believe he collected about 800 rounds. The kids that were attacked that day, they weren't just shot at. They literally had grenades lobbed at them... and not just a few. The bomb squad found over 100 explosive devices in the school, some detonated, some not. Both boys had torn the striking portion off of a match box and taped it to their forearm so they wouldn't have to fumble with a lighter. Eric spent a few days leading up to the massacre monitoring the Cafeteria, counting up all the people, trying to decide when "maximum human density" occurred. He documented all this in his journal, and eventually concluded he could do the most damage during A lunch, about 30 minutes into it. There were about 500 students in the cafeteria then.
So, at that time on April 20th, the boys brought in not one but two giant propane bombs and set them at key supporting struts inside the Cafeteria. It has been theorized by police, through test demolition, that this likely would have brought the second floor down on the first, which meant the Library down onto the Cafeteria--two of the most crowded portions of the school.
Oh, but that wasn't it, not by a long shot. The plan was to blow the school up and then, when everyone started running in a panic, that's when they would open fire. Then, after they cut down the remaining student body and the police showed up, they expected to be killed. But it was time for one final act, which involved the biggest bombs.
Both boys rigged huge bombs in their cars. They were parked strategically in the parking lot to maximize damage to first responders and any of the wounded, as well as journalists and parents.
All told, Eric Harris was literally trying to kill every human being in his whole high school, and anyone that came to it quickly after the violence erupted. He also set a diversionary bomb in a park right before the shooting, hoping to draw police off and make them respond more slowly. He wasn't trying to be a school shooter, he was trying to be a school bomber and a school shooter; when all four of the big bombs didn't work, Eric instantly and for the rest of time became misunderstood. If he had been just a slight bit better at wiring, that day would have been much different in the worst way possible. In all, Eric constructed over ten big propane bombs.
But we're just getting started, to get you on the up and up about just how twisted and well planned this attack was will take some reading of Eric's work. I have read the words of few humans that are so totally consumed by psychopathy and so obviously lacking empathy of any kind. The fact that Eric Harris could be so twisted so young, and with such decent parents, literally blows my mind. It makes me re-think everything I know about psychopaths. Mainly, nature verses nurture. I believe Eric was exactly what he claimed to be... his favorite movie… a Natural Born Killer.
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So after I read Columbine the most recent time, something dawned on me. While there are a lot of excerpts from the boys journals in the book, I had never actually sat down and read all of the journals myself. So I did a little poking around and found them. Unfortunately, they are written in severely illegible handwriting. So I snooped a little more and found a transcript of them! So, here it is, some of the most telling excerpts from the journals—a killer in his own words. I don't know how well circulated these have been. Maybe you've read all of them, or maybe you didn't even know they existed... regardless, if you like me find the psychopathic brain interesting, read on. These journals are truly some of the most haunting visions from one of this generations most disturbed minds. Never have I seen all the traits of psychopathy laid out so clearly, and by the offender rather than some psychologist. Few times have I seen a psychopath be so freaking stoked and blunt about being a psychopath. I have included the most interesting parts, as well as a few notes I wrote while I was reading. I hope they shine some light on "The Big Why."
(Eric's writing is italicized, mine is not)
No one is worthy of shit unless I say they are. I feel like God and I wish I was, having everyone being OFFICIALLY lower than me. I already know that I am higher than most anyone in the fucking welt [German: world] in terms of universal Intelligence.
Oh, that's just the introduction. He doesn't waste any time getting right to his superiority complex. It's no coincidence he named his journal "The Book of God."
Plus I would get rid of all the fat, retarded, crippled, stupid, dumb, ignorant, worthless people of this world. No one is worthy of this planet, only me and whoever I choose. Everyone should be shot out into space and only those people I say should be left behind.
Yearning for that control over life and death is so singularly psychopathic. The goal is not the dead body; the goal is the thrill of the kill, and the power of it. This is what makes them so dangerous; they kill again and again and again, or in a singular event on a grand scale.
When I go NBK [Natural Born Killers--going NBK is how Eric refers to the massacre] and people say things like, “oh, it was so tragic,” or “oh he is crazy!” or “It was so bloody.” I think, so the fuck what you think that’s a bad thing? Just because your mumsy and dadsy told you blood and violence are bad, you think it’s a fucking law of nature? Wrong. Only science and math are true, everything, and I mean every-fucking-thing else is Man-made.
Eric was not dumb. He was dangerously smart. He devoured high literature, loved the Nazis, read a lot of Shakespeare. I think this is what I was most struck by when I read all this... how he attempted to derive it from logic rather than admitting it was a sick, indefensible position.
I have thought too much, realized too much, found out too much, and I am too self-aware to just stop what I am thinking and go back to society because what I do and think isn’t “right” or “morally accepted.” NO, NO, NO. God fucking damn it NO! I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts. But before I leave this worthless place, I will kill who ever I deem unfit for anything at all. Especially life. And if you pissed me off in the past, you will die if I see you. Because you might be able to piss off others and have it eventually blow over, but not me. I don’t forget people who wronged me, like "John Doe." He will never get a chance to read this because he will be dead before this is discovered.
Psychopaths never forget. Ever. Ted Bundy, when his long-term girlfriend wouldn't marry him, literally went on a mission to become "respectable." He went to law school, became something to be proud of, came back years later, and purposed to her. When she said yes... he said he was just kidding, and asked her how it felt to be rejected. Psychopaths cannot deal with being beaten or one-upped. They always have a score to settle, not matter how menial. And they will do anything to settle it, but they prefer to settle it through your death. Killing is how power-assertive psychopaths solve their problems. "No person, no problem." That's actually a quote from a particularly sadistic psychopath. I read one true crime book where this guy gets cut off while driving. He gets out and walks up to the three guys that just cut him off. When they get out of the car, expecting a fight, he whips out a pistol and shoots all three of them in the head. Then, he casually gets back in his car and drives off. Problem solved. Have you ever carved a thanksgiving turkey? Did you feel bad for it? Probably not. That's how killing is for them, simply the solving of a problem.
Now, with the government having scandals and conspiracies all over the fucking place and lying to everyone all the time and with these worthless, pointless, mindless, disgraceful TV shows and with everyone ob-fucking-sessed with Hollywood and beauty and fame and glamour and politics and anything famous, people just aren’t worth saving.
It has been confirmed, after getting my yearbook and watching people that the human race isn’t worth fighting for, only worth killing. Give the Earth back to the animals, they deserve it infinitely more than we do.
And this is the beginning of what really scared me. Eric did not want to kill just one person. He didn't even want to massacre his whole school. He literally—literally—wanted to kill every human on the planet. I've read about a lot of psychopaths... but these aspirations, from an 18 year old, are the closest I’ve ever found to Hitler’s. And it scares the living shit out of me.
Well, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I say “KILL MANKIND,” no one should survive. You know what? Fuck it. Why should I have to explain myself to you survivors when half of this shit I say you shitheads won’t understand and if you can then woopie fucking do. That just means you have something to say as to my reason for killing. And the majority of the audience won’t even understand my motives either! They’ll say “ah, he’s crazy, he’s insane, worthless!” All you fuckers should die! DIE! What the fuck is the point if only some people see what I am saying, there will always be ones who don’t, ones that are too dumb or naïve or ignorant or just plain retarded. If I can’t pound it into every single persons head then it is pointless. Fuck money fuck justice fuck morals fuck civilization fuck rules fuck laws … DIE man-made words … people think they apply to everything when they don’t/can’t. There’s no such thing as True Good or True evil, it’s all relative to the observer. It’s just all nature, chemistry, and math. Deal with it. But since dealing with it seems impossible for mankind, since we have to slap warning labels on nature, then … you die, burn, melt, evaporate, decay. Just go the fuck away. YAAAAAA!!!
This I almost find to be the most interesting passage. Columbine was literally like theater to Eric. It was his upmost concern that people "understand" why he did it. He knew the media would bungle the story before it even happened. Also, I think it's telling how he constantly mentions the "audience." Eric Harris directed Columbine like a movie, and his chief concern was how the audience would react. It was literally devised FOR an audience. It was homicidal art thinly veiled in philosophy. It was theatrical because it was planned that way. Eric didn't want to scare just one high school, he wanted to scare the whole world. And he did. I think this is important because Columbine helped create this culture of school shooting and violence. While Eric's template for the shooting was Natural Born Killers, any would be school shooter to come after Eric and Dylan had the most well penned and documented social script ever to follow. Want to know how to execute a vicious school shooting? You don't have to watch a movie anymore—just flip on the news. You have Eric Harris to thank for this. Also, how many murderers do you think Nietzsche has created through the years?
I think I will choose to kill and damage as much as nature allows me to so take that, fuck you, and eat napalm + lead! HA! Only nature can stop me. I know I could get shot by a cop after only killing a single person, but hey guess the fuck WHAT! I chose to kill that one person so get over it! It’s MY fault! Not my parents, not my brothers, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not computer games, not the media. IT is MINE! Go shut the fuck up!
Wow, this line really sticks it to those Manson and Doom haters, doesn't it? It’s amazing to me what a grasp Eric had regarding how he would be perceived.
Someone’s bound to say “what were they thinking?” when we go NBK or when we were planning it, so this is what I am thinking. “I have a goal to destroy as much as possible so I must not be sidetracked by my feelings of sympathy, mercy, or any of that, so I will force myself to believe that everyone is just another monster from Doom like FH [Former Human, mob in Doom] or FS [Former Sergeant] or demons, so it’s either me or them. I have to turn off my feelings.”
Just for the record, don't let this get you thinking Eric was sympathetic. This is common among psychopaths, saying "I feel empathy and sympathy, I just ignore it." If they really felt sympathy, true sympathy, THEY WOULDN'T MURDER PEOPLE. Plus, they are trying to dupe you. Most psychopaths are not murders, they are liars. They love lying, literally get off on deception. It's why they make such good politicians.
Keep this in mind, I want to burn the world, I want to kill everyone except about 5 people, who I will name later, so if you are reading this you are lucky you escaped my rampage because I wanted to kill you. It will be very tricky getting all of our supplies, explosives, weaponry, ammo, and then hiding it all and then actually planting it all so we can achieve our goal. But if we get busted any time, we start killing then and there, just like Wilks from the ALIENS books, I ain’t going out without a fight.
Psychopaths LOVE anticipating murder. Especially the spree-killers. They anticipate and imagine it for months and years and the payoff is huge. Serial killers are different. They get off more on murder than the anticipation of it. One of Eric's favorite past times, leading up the massacre, was telegraphing all his moves. Every single paper he wrote for English that year pertained to the massacre in some way, though you'd only know in hindsight. One was about Nazi culture, another was about The Brady Bill (which kept him from being able to buy guns) another was titled "When Murder is Justified," and still another about Euripedes' Medea, where he actually gets the theme "I ain't going down without a fight!" from. In retrospect, these papers literally haunted the teachers that read them, especially because they gave them good grades and expected nothing. Many sought out the aforementioned profiler to ask, "How did I miss this?"
Once I finally start my killing, keep this in mind, there are probably about 10 people max in the school alone who I don’t want to die, the rest, MUST FUCKING DIE! God I want to torch and level everything in this whole fucking area but bombs of that size are hard to make, and plus I would need a fuckin’ fully loaded A-10 to get every store on Wadsworth and all the buildings downtown. Heh, imagine THAT you fuckers, picture half of Denver on fire just from me and Vodka. [His nickname for Dylan] Napalm on sides of skyscrapers and car garages blowing up from exploded gas tanks…. oh man that would be beautiful.
Beautiful..? If you say so, Eric. If you say so. I'm telling you, I've never seen aspirations like this in a serial or spree murderer, and I’ve probably researched at least a hundred. There's some that come to mind, but never one so young. Look into Albert Fish if you want someone to haunt your dreams forever. I'd almost venture to say we're lucky, very lucky, Eric Harris was only able to take 13 lives.
You know what, I feel like telling about lies. I lie a lot. Almost constant, and to everybody, just to keep my own ass out of the water.
His bit about lying is incredibly telling of his pervasive psychopathy. I didn't include most of it here because it's long, and this post is getting out of control. But just know Eric was an expert at the craft of lying, especially to grown-ups.
All I want is a couple of guns, and thanks to your fucking bill I will probably not get any! Come on, I’ll have a clean record and I only want them for personal protection. It’s not like I’m some psycho who would go on a shooting spree... fuckers.
If I could nuke the world I would, because so far I hate you all. There are probably around 10 people I wouldn’t want to die, but hey, who ever said life is fair should be shot like the others, too.
As of this date I have enough explosives to kill about 100 people, and then if I get a couple bayonets, swords, axes, whatever I’ll be able to kill at least 10 more. And that just isn’t enough! Guns! I need guns! Give me some fucking firearms!
God... this one almost makes me cry. So evil. So twisted. Our gun laws are insane in this country. This one just makes so many emotions bubble out of me. Just, what a scary, dangerous individual he was. SO much damage was wrought in so many lives because this kid was able to get his hands on, not just guns, but a small armory.
If people would give me more compliments all of this might still be avoidable … but probably not.
This line in particular just screamed psychopath to me... This is a common trait in psychopathy, blaming the victim. "If that bitch just hadn't of looked at me that way / been standing there / tricked me, I wouldn't have had to kill her!"
I want to grab a few different girls in my gym class, take them into a room, pull their pants off and fuck them hard. I love flesh … the smooth legs, the large breasts, the innocent flawless body, the eyes, the hair, jet black, blond, white, brown, ahhh I just want to fuck! Call it teenager hormones or call it a crazy fuckin racist rapist. The one where the guy is kidnapped and tortured like hell … actual hell. I want to do that too. I want to tear a throat out with my own teeth like a pop can. I want to gut someone with my hand, to tear a head off and rip out the heart and lungs from the neck, to stab someone in the gut, shove it up to their heart, and yank the fucking blade out of their rib cage! I want to grab some weak little freshman and just tear them apart like a wolf, show them who is god. Strangle them, squish their head, bite their temples in the skull, rip off their jaw, rip off their collar bones, break their arms in half and twist them around, the lovely sounds of bones cracking and flesh ripping, ahhh … so much to do and so little chances.
This, to me, is the coup de grâce. An accounting of just how out-there and twisted Eric was. There is no doubt, literally no doubt in my mind, that this boy would have grown into one of the most sadistic serial killers this country had ever seen. And he was smart, which makes him so much more dangerous.
THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want “to do with my life.
Eric’s grades improved DRASTICALLY his last year of high school. And for one simple reason: because he finally knew what he "wanted to do with his life." Which just so happened to be killing a lot of children.
And I would never drink and drive, either. It will be weird when we actually go on the rampage. Hopefully we will have plenty of clips and bombs. I’m gonna still try and get my calico 9mm. Just think, 100 rounds without reloading…. hell yeah!
Only a logic loving psychopath could possible juxtapose "not drinking and driving" with how awesome "shooting 100 rounds at children without reloading" would be. Psychopaths are some of the most hypocritical individuals that have/will ever live. You won't drink and drive, but you'll open up on a group of civilians with a semi-automatic rifle? Honestly, I don't know what to make of that. I guess it's literally a joke.
The stereo is very nice, but having no insurance payments to worry about so I could concentrate of BOMBS would have been better.
This is a reference to Eric’s parents buying him a stereo. He laments they didn’t pay for his insurance instead, so he could spend his money on bombs. Oh, the classic teenage dilemma... insurance or propane bombs?
We test fired all of our babies, we have 6 time clocks ready, 39 crickets [small bombs] 24 pipe bombs, and the napalm is under construction.
Eric never finished his flame thrower, but he worked hard on it. Could you imagine if he had? When I say Columbine was homicidal art, I’m not speaking in hyperbole. Eric wanted to literally melt some children; he thought that would really get the audience going. He worked hard trying to perfect his napalm, but never quite got there.
Either bombs, clocks, guns, napalm, killing people, any and everything finds some tie to it. Feels like a goddamn movie sometimes. I wanna try to put some mines and trip bombs around this town too maybe. Get a few extra frags on the scoreboard.
Well, that concludes the excerpts. I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish with this. More than anything, it satiates my appetite to study and understand these monsters. Maybe in doing so, I’ve helped you understand them a little better as well. And also, be weary. They are out there, and I’m not even kidding. They are literally hunting people just like you and I as I type these words. Women especially.
I feel it important to express what the purpose of this thread is not: I do not want to debate what role bullying had in this, or ANY OTHER factors that might have led to its happening. That is not my goal. My goal is simply to explain that Eric was a very stereotypical psychopath—what made him this way is immaterial. I know I said earlier I was offering the “why,” and I am. But not the why as you imagine it. It happened because Eric was a psychopath. But what made him a psychopath? That, I can’t say. I personally believe bullying was a factor, his home life was a factor, Dylan was a factor, the school was a factor, religion was a factor, his constantly moving around during childhood was a factor, his need for fame, or infamy, was a factor, his hatred of the human race was a factor, his disbelief of moral imperatives was a factor. Regardless of what made him this way, the fact remains, he was this way. And that is the purpose of the thread. Not to debate WHY he was, but to discuss WHAT he was.
And lastly, the purpose is to remember. To remember all of the children that had their innocence stolen on that day. To remember the panic they must have felt as they literally ran for their lives, bullets flying, pipe bombs exploding, fires burning, friends they had known their whole lives dropping dead beside them, Eric and Dylan’s maniacal laughter cutting through it all. Do you know how one parent found out their child was dead? They saw it on the cover of the freaking newspaper the next morning. Their son, their precious little baby boy, splayed out on the concrete, bloody and shoeless. That’s how they found out. That’s how the news was delivered to them.
The worst happened in the library. Did you know that one round of buck-shot Eric fired struck four different people, all cowering under the same desk? One freaking bullet. Could you imagine a man shooting you and your three best friends with one bullet? He fixes his gaze on you, a loud explosion, and then suddenly all four of you are bleeding out, are dying in a heap. Could you imagine fixing a shotgun barrel on a group of FOUR CHILDREN and pulling the trigger? Because, while I can hardly fathom is, it nonetheless happened. It is not a story I made up, it is someone’s life, or at least a moment in it. Words cannot describe how truly unquantifiable such an act is, and how the reverberations stretch through all of time. You don't heal, you change. If you break your arm, you might learn to throw a baseball again—but you'll never throw it the same. Healing from trauma is much the same.
More than anything Columbine left me with a visceral sense of victimhood. The amount that was stolen from so many by so few on that day is truly unimaginable. I cannot even begin to imagine what those children and parents went through. But I can say I’ve had nightmares about it, about those pipe bombs raining down into my Cafeteria, and I and can honestly say I will never be the same, even though I wasn't there!
How must it seem to those that were?
What my goal for this thread is: To remember the victims, to celebrate their hardships and courage; to remind people that true evil exists, and regardless of how it is created, that it must be faced; and to encourage conversation on psychopathy and other good true-crime books! So what makes a psychopath? What does Columbine mean to you? Do you think you would have recovered quickly or slowly? Could you forgive them? Do you remember where you were when it happened? Because I sure do. But mostly, keep it respectful and on topic. Mods, please don’t let this thread devolve into a bullying flame fest.
Also, mods, if this is a "blog it" thread, just let me know. You can delete it and I'll repost it there. I have all of this saved on my computer. I just felt there was a discussion to be had, especially with the anniversary fast approaching.
