Cock-block Bug from Hell

Hey TL, I'm going to share a story with you all and I hope you guys love it and hopefully don't suffer the same way I did.

Because if you do, you have my sympathy.

My summer class schoolmates/profs and I took a trip to a a beach on the southwest side of Korea 2 days ago. It was an overnight trip so it wasn't long, but due to our grueling schedule it was time for a good break. So there I was at 8 AM waiting for the bus in front of my department. We had over a hundred people going on this trip and everyone was prepared to get balls off partay crazy for this trip. Three of my friends and I decided to celebrate our trip by shotgunning two cans of beer each before getting on the bus. Our professors nodded left and right as they looked at us but we didn't fucking care.

HIGH FIVE MOTHER FUCKER

Anyways as we got on the bus I realized while all my friends were on Bus #2 I was the only guy on Bus #3. I was bummed because it was a 3 hour bus ride but fortunately I brought my PSP so I can play Persona 3 Portable (speaking of which I suggest anyone owning a PSP to buy/pirate this game, much better than Persona 3 and a little bit better than Persona 3 FES). SO as I got on the bus I saw my friends banging on my window trying to gesture me to chug down another beer inside the bus for 5 minutes until I had to text message them “I DONT HAVE ANOTHER CAN YOU RETARDS.” As the bus started up I pulled out my PSP and started rampaging through the game in hopes to make Fuka mine (go play Persona 3 guys, seriously).

An hour and a half passed and I was deeply immersed into the game. I occasionally heard some laughs at the back of the bus but I was too busy playing a Japanese dating simulator to care who stuck a phallus shaped object up their nostrils. As I started getting tired of playing on my PSP I decided it was time to sleep for another hour and thirty minutes to ease the pain of not having anyone to talk to. Fortunately after 10 minutes we got to our first rest stop, which is great for a nicotine-lung-addict-fuckface like me

PS: Hey kids don't smoke. Seriously. You have no idea how much I regret smoking.

DONT LISTEN TO ME, CANCER IS AWESOME

Anyways as I got off the bus my chinese, american, japanese and german friend and I started smoking outside the lavatory, my gay japanese friend came up to me and said “hey konamix some of the girls really like you” and left. At first I thought this kid was smoking crack because in my whole entire pitiful life I NEVER had a girl who came up to me and say “omg I want joo”. But then again I was obese and ugly back then. Eh who knows.

Before we got to the beach, our professors said we had to go to a very old Korean village to participate in “Korean Culture Experience” program. It would've been really fun if Korean weather was like 70% humidity at 90 degrees f. But we got to taste some bleh food and I killed a wasp with my spoon (fucker tried to take my goddamn acorn tofu, fuck wasps man). We got to run around the ancient Korean village a little and because my friend was on her fucking period or something she decided to not talk to me the entire trip which added made the Korean Culture Experience 10 times harder for me. Fortunately they told us we were heading to the resort soon so I was pumped up. I got to the nearest convenient store and got myself a bottle of water and headed back to the bus.

So I eventually found out my 2 Chinese friends sat right in front of me and believe it or not they called my name couple times earlier when I was playing my on my PSP (don't be a social failure like me, look around the goddamn bus before you turn on that pile of shit Sony calls a handheld). As I started to mingle with them they started feeding me some potato chips and pork jerky imported from China (shit takes FABULOUS). As I started to mingle more and more of my friends started emerging and I realized how much of a an autistic fuck I've become.

5 oclock, we finally got to our resort and believe it or not the building right across our resort was called “LOVE BEACH MOTEL” with 80's pink neon signs over it. Shady as fuck, but at the same time very arousing. My god before I go any further I've never known any city outside Seoul and Pusan in Korea looks like total shit. It's seriously a big problem here. No wonder ¼ of Koreans live in Seoul. Wow getting off-topic, getting back to the story. So we got our room keys from our profs and I had to share my room with 3 of my 'friends' (more like 'facebook friends' if you catch my drift). They were nice guys so I didn't complain.

It doesn't actually look like this but I wanted to use pastel colors for some reason

The first thing I did was getting my sweaty ass disgusting pasty yellow skin into the showers. Goddamn how I've missed water so much. I took a speed shower and dressed into a more comfortable yet stylish (no hipster skinny jeans) look because I actually care how I look unlike 90% of you nerds here. Before I left my room I realized how nice our condo was. 2 floors, 2 beds, 2 bathrooms and 2 of everything, hell they even had MBCgame and OGN on their TV (which is funny because $700 Hyatt Suite room doesn't have one unless you 'request' for it for 20 dollars). So after watching a rerun of flash getting raped by effort I stood up and walked towards my class' dinner. We had to have a mandatory dinner with our classmates which I didn't mind at all because my classmate and professor are great.

We were given 5 kg of pork from the resort managers for free (that's 11 pounds to you american baka gaijins). It doesn't sound much for 16 people, but when 12 of the 16 are skinny ass asian girls it turns out to be a lot of pork. Anyways before I go any further I want to say one thing

If there is ANYTHING my 16 years in America has taught me which has value over anything I could learn around the world, it would be how to cook meat. No offense Argentinians, you guys are cool too.

Seriously at Barbeque parties I am the fucking god meat. Nobody can touch my grill man, this shit is my fucking pride. It's amazing how Asians need a flamethrower to get the coal starting. Anyways we chugged down our meat and started drinking. At that point I think I had 5 cups of beer (btw I'm a huge lightweight, almost as bad as ilikestarcraft) and I was tripping ballz man. Other classes were screaming “CHEERS” and because I was being a stupid drunk fuck and didn't want my class pride to get hurt I was screaming louder and louder.

We celebrated for 2 hours or so and I decided it was time to mingle with my other friends. So my classmates and I cleaned up the whole place. At first I was going to head home and brush my teeth but because I got stung by mosquitoes 10 times already while eating I decided to buy some anti-mosquito scents. I was planning on buying 1 packet (which includes 20 scents) but I got paranoid and bought 7 packets. So I walk out of the convenient store and here comes the fucking shitstorm.

As I started walking down, I saw a huge ass crowd near the Resort Pool and suddenly my 4 retarded friends ran up to me. I thought they were happy to finally see me after 4 hours but boy was I fucking wrong. Those bastards dragged me into the center of over 100 people (all profs including), pushed me down onto the ground and started stuffing beer bottles down my throat. I think I chugged over 2000cc within 15 seconds. Good news was I didn't pussy out and drank all of it which I was greeted with a roaring thunder of cheers from the god knows 100s of other people. Hell even the profs thought it was funny.

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

As the party started happening we all started drinking more and more and eventually we all headed to the beach. It was around 10 oclock so the tides were further away, which meant we had to walk another fucking kilometer to actually hear the goddamn tides roaring. Because it was the beach we started popping fireworks and beer cans all over the place. And like every beach party we had to throw someone in the ocean

and that fucker just happened to be me.

Fortunately before I was thrown in I had enough APM to chuck my iphone to the shores so I didn't have to pay Steve another fucking 500 dollars for my 3GS. I was so salty I started tasting lays from my lips. And to have my revenge I started hugging all the girls so they can taste my manly lay flavored shirt. I hugged the “im not talking to you cuz I have a period” friend the hardest just for lulz. Fortunately took it nicely and I became the man who broke through a girl's moodswing. Guess she couldn't resist the taste of lays chips

Anyways as I started walking out in hopes of getting my salty shirt/wallet/watch/FUCKING BELT/and etc dried, I was soon greeted by 15 people I didn't know. By my surprise the first thing they said was “ARE YOU KONAMIX??? OKAY U COME WITH US NOW.” Drunk out of my mind, confused, salty, exhausted and with the loss of my phone I had no choice but to follow them. With the 15 unknown people we started popping fireworks and other crap. After our fireworks started backfiring on us, we walked back and some japanese girl started talking to me a lot. Being the socially dull idiot I am it took me nearly 18 minutes to realize this girl was hitting on me.

GODDAMN LOOK AT THAT SHITTY DRAWING

Because I had to take a shower I sent the girl back to her dorm and made a false promise I would hang out with her. I mean she was really hot and all but due to my laziness I just wanted to take a shower and rest for a while. When I got back to my room I realized my friend with the room key was out somewhere else drinking so he didn't plug the key inside the room. I could still get in without a key, but the problem was with no key = no electricity. So I showered inside the dark and dressed into my jammies apparel. I was going to sit on the couch but then I realized my friend took my phone on the ground so I went to her room to pick it back up. And to my surprise....

It was the same room that japanese girl was in! OH HOW FATE WORKS. Before I could say “Hi I'm here to get my phone back” I once again get dragged into the room and this time I downed 4 shots of whisky. There were about 15 people in their room and the dudes there were like “AWW DUDE YOU REALLY KEPT YOUR PROMISE, THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BLOW OFF MY DONGSENG (this means younger sister, but to all you non-koreans when a someone refers someone else as 'little sister/brotehr/etcetc” it signifies how close they are by friendship not by blood).” So I thought it would be a great time not to be a retard and replied “hell yeah” which then I was greeted by another cheer.

At this party I was getting drunk out of my mind. Since I was drinking since 9AM I slowly started losing grip in reality. I had no idea what was going on, ~~nor did I have any power over my action because of the powerful influence alcohol has over you~~ HAHA I GOT YOU FAGS. After a while I started getting hazy and a really cool mongolian guy and my chinese friend called me outside. I had no idea why but it seemed pretty serious. So as I went outside the first thing the mongolian guy did was “dude my japanese dongseng wants you and you seem like a cool guy so I'm going to give you a condom, good luck lol”.

…

So I quickly got to know more and more about her. We talked and talked and talked until suddenly the mongolian bro said “MAN U GUYS ARE PANSIES MAKE OUT NOW OR GET OUT OF MY ROOM.” The japanese girl started stuttering and said “no! Leave us alone you mongolian beast! We're having fun!” and then I felt like the timing was right, flicked my cig into a cup and went for the dive. Cheers roared and it felt good. Like a cute japanese girl she was, she started blushing and that's when I knew what I did was finally the right choice. Toot toot.

Another hour passed, but now I'm drunk AND horny. Problem with that was even though they gave me a condom there was nowhere to fucking go. It was raining outside and some people got drunk and the rooms were full. I couldn't head back to my place because my friends were sleeping. As a last resort we decided to 'take a walk to the beach'. It was all good, she said thank you for kissing me and we held hands as we started to walk. At last we got to the beach and we shot out own version of casablanca. It felt good and everything was going perfect, until...

THE FUCKING COCKBLOCK BUGS

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Hmm he kinda looks like that jerk from highschool... Hey wait a minute!

Now here is where the real shitstorm starts. There is a certain bug which lives dormant in the south-west part of Korea. I have no idea what it is nor do I know what it's supposed to look like but goddamn all I know is that out of a 100,000 people only 1 person is allergic to this fucker and that fucker just happened to be me. As we started getting to 2nd base I found my legs in excruciating pain; imagine some retarded baby stabbing your feet with metal toothpicks. At first I thought these were mosquitos so I ignored the first couple bites but then after 10 minutes of continuous stabbing it destroyed my indian pitch tent. I was irritated but I was too drunk and horny to say “my legs hurt”. Fortunately(?) the rain started pouring more and more which forced us to run back to the room. As we got back in we the mongolian bro looked at me with a huge banana grin and said “SUP”. Then it was 4am and the partayyy ended because we had to wake up in 3 hours.

Because my friend was such a buddy he didn't save my spot so I had to sleep on the couch. Later in the morning he woke me up and told me he saved a spot but I was too drunk to realize it. Atleast I didn't get stung. Anyways as I tried to stand on my two legs, I realized how stiff my ankles were. When I looked down HOLY SHIT WKJGDLSHBHLKWDBJSDBLKJSBJWKDBKJS GODDAMN ELEPHANTITAS LEGS

SHIT WAS FUCKING HUGE MAN, MY LEGS WERE FUCKING DISGUSTING AND IT WAS HUGE. I was having an allergic reaction so my legs swollen up to the size of peaches. Everyone was freaking out and I was screaming “HOLY SHIT WTF IS THAT” like a little baby. But despite all this, I had to go take a shower and wake up for the bus ride to another location.

As I wore my sandals and walked outside everyone saw my leg and said “HOLY SHIT KONAMIX WTF IS THAT SHIT” and then everyone proceeded to scratch their legs (strange how the human mind works). And as my professor saw my leg she was like “WTF KONAMIX WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU LEGS.” After 50 something carbon copy reaction from the schoolmates I eventually gave up and let them awe in disgust. Eventually my Korean History Prof started taking pictures of it because he wanted to upload this to his blog and my school website.

So I eventually went to a hospital and then came back to the bus and to find all the buses empty. Apparently the whole school went to another culture experience thing. I was worried to find myself alone inside the bus then DUN DUN DUN. To my surprise the japanese girl was actually on the same bus as me. Apparently she knew about this and I didn't (lol). So once again we started talking a lot and she kept apologizing for making my legs look like a retarded bacon ball. I told her it wasn't her fault and I should've been more careful. Speaking to her sober wasn't awkward which was good and she seemed to be having fun with the real me. So we decided to get some coffee then realized we weren't in seoul so we drank some fresh river water instead. And from the distance the mongolian bro was screaming “UHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU GUYS NEED TO GET A ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM LOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL”

So anyways we started heading back home after that culture crap and I got into a deep sleep. After 3 painful hours we got back to my school and I decided to walk her back to her house since she lived only 5 minutes away from the main gate. So I dropped her off and started to walk to my bus station with my retarded elephant feet.

I guess what I really want to say is buy fuckloads of bug repellent if you're going to score at a school trip in asia TL, don't fuck up like me and lose your chance to bang some really hot asian girl (preferably japanese)
Unless you're some bug immune guy like Tarzan or some shit.

tl;dr
I scored with some really hot girl then some cockblock bugs came by and destroyed my boner and I now have an elephant feet

Cock-block Bug from Hell

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