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The Background:
So this is what I did last night. Alright, so where to start. I guess one element that should not be overlooked is how I know this girl. We grew up on the same cul-du-sac in my hometown. So I have known her since we were both in diapers up until we were about 13 or so when she moved. Don’t worry-more about the diapers later.
Fast forward about 12 years and you see us meeting randomly at a bar we are each there with other people so we do not really talk much. From there it leads to a facebook friend of the virtually non-existent type. We exchange one or two comments and I mostly just looked at her pics and reveled in how amazingly cute as a button cute she is. I was pretty drunk when I ran into her at the bar and somehow did not even register what she looked like. By the way, to protect the not so innocent her name has been changed to Kailey.
Nothing much happens via facebook, but I run into two girls that I know from gradeschool, Bea and Mara. We talk, all go home, facebook and that’s about it. Last night Kailey calls me a solid two months after our initial facebooking. She tells that she is with the other two girls and they all were just talking about running into me. I am invited to the coffee shop to support my local bike church and have a beer.
I arrive and Kailey is looking just as her pictures advertised. How did I get to the point of drunkenness last time to not notice an attractive girl even when she was talking to me? Here is a sample.
No one is quite drunk enough yet to do anything stupid, so we switch to a different bar where they serve liquor, not just beer. Kailey is being extremely flirty, which is still ultra left-field since I really did not do anything to merit it. This entire evening just happened.
We get to the next place and consume a few mixed drinks each and this is where the fun starts. Kailey and I start having our arms around each other off and on and we talk about the past, evolution, feathered dinosaurs and genetics. Heady stuff. This is just the type of conversation that makes me feel the need to reproduce. She tells me that my mom looks like a man. I agree. Then she tells me that I sooo want to make out with her. She can tell.
Drunkenness +1:
We are sitting in a booth with Bea and Mara and some guy who is tagging along from the last joint. Kailey seems to be at that point of drunkenness where she doesn’t realize that people across the table can hear everything that she says. In a laudable display of overcoming social inhibitions she manages to spit out “I want to eat your face”. Odd, I thought to myself, completely un-prepared for her jaws to descend upon my cheek as she sampled my flesh. She did warn me I guess. I felt for blood, but there was none so I figured no harm no foul. At least Mara, Bea, and whoever that guy was were entertained.
After more ridiculous conversation and frequent faux pas the group broke up and Kailey and I eventually arrived at her place, which was a convenient four blocks away. The initial categorization of her abode is that it is a hovel. I see stacks of newspapers, and an impressive collection of computers and monitors encompassing more years of computer history than I have been alive. All are logically and deliberately placed throughout what would have otherwise been the living room and dining room floor. It seems a path fraught with beige plastic danger, but a closer inspection revealed that a corridor had been delineated with stacks of yellowed newspapers on either side of it. I trusted to the yellow newspaper road and made it safely to the upstairs, which was her region of the house. Despite these ridiculous remarks she has been consistently witty and spunky so I do not realize quite how drunk she is. She informs me that she is not so drunk as to be unable to provide knowledgeable consent. I found this carefully crafted remark especially enticing.
The Meat of it:
Safe! I thought, for she had spoken snidely of the insane 40 something-year-old man that dwelt downstairs. I rightfully wrote off the downstairs disaster as the work of the next Ted Kaczynski. Incidentally his name is Ted. My feelings were confirmed the next morning as I was shown his cellar which was mysteriously padlocked. However her room was not the orderly haven that I had expected per her position as a PhD pursuing professional. She had two rooms upstairs. One in which she worked, which I gathered by the coke bottles and empty handles of rum that elegantly and tastefully decorated the desk, laptop, and bookshelves. I imagined sleepless nights of rum & coke fueled grading sessions. I can’t wait until I get my PhD. I started crafting an assortment of blistering and brutal comments that I would append to my students’ papers.
The second room was what pigmies (Homo florensis) would have built if they were transplanted into middle America during the late 19th century and told they could only inhabit the upstairs of old Victorian houses. The ceiling was about 6 feet (1.8m) high in the middle of the room and slanted sharply down from the mid-point until it reached the final height of about 3 1/2 feet (1.25m). The walls were officially yellow, if somehow varied in shade and texture. I concluded that the pigmies had dipped cloth in the paint and thrown it at the walls and ceiling until the desired effect was achieved. Several armoires, apparently finger painted with lackluster pastels, were stuck out at odd distances from the wall as they were too tall to fit correctly against the wall due to the short ceiling. Clothing had been thoughtfully distributed fairly evenly throughout the room so as to make it possible to gather a complete outfit without having to actually get up if one passed out and fell onto the floor. I angled my feet toward the mattress, which was conveniently located at the lowest point of the room. I was confidant I could collapse upon the mattress without incident so long as I did not hit my head on the ceiling. That was when I noticed the two bubba sized diapers next to the bed. They seemed unsoiled and since she had no children they provided a worthy topic of internal speculation. What kind of crazy sex acts does one do with diapers on?
Some things are not meant to be understood by the drunken mind at 2:37AM on a Sunday morning, so I instead undressed and got into bed. She was already there looking pretty with her low-rider red panties and matching bra. The room was a healthy 39F (4C) so I knew we would need to generate some body heat soon or shrinkage might ensue. As we fooled around I actually asked her some questions before anything got too out of control. I still did not trust this situation as, in my experience; it was too good to be true. I was waiting for the angry boyfriend, the realization that she was in fact a tranny, or some other hideous twist of hate. I am not a bad looking guy, but I am a skeptic to the bone. However I was unable to find any blatant flaws.
Instead all I got was puzzling sex-talk. The main problem being I could not understand what the fuck she was saying. Eventually I realized it was about someone name Sergei and that apparently she thought I was Sergei. She starts snoring during what I had thought was us having sex; which left my puzzled again. I decided to follow suite and attempted to stretch the meager comforter, which in theme with the room, was about 4 ½ feet long. This left my feet rather cold and exposed, but alcohol had numbed most of my sensations anyway. I figured I could brave frostbite rather than find my socks. Plus I could be wrong about those diapers and step in something squishy.
I awoke at some ungodly time in the AM with a full bladder and the realization I needed to take a shit. Badly. For those of you that don’t regularly binge drink, alcohol is an amazing regulator of bodily functions. So long as I get my daily allowance of beer and vodka I enjoy the twice a day regularity that normally only come from exercise, a fiber-rich diet, and daily prune intake or metamucil. But, to return to the present issue, the other great thing about her living downtown is that the houses are over a hundred years old. This means that the knob on her door is in fact a crude, tortured piece of metal planned, created, and left behind by insidious Puritans to fool drunk people over the course of the next two centuries. As I attempted to turn the handle I realized that the door had two settings: open and locked. I had shut it earlier, which means that it was now locked. As I stood at the door, in the dark, naked and freezing my 5 chest hairs off I consider my options. Somehow, perhaps because of too much Fallout, I decided to pick the lock with flat-blade screwdriver that’s on my keychain. Apparently I have less than 5% in that skill because it remained locked. I realized that I could not outsmart the door handle so I proceeded to jiggle it randomly for the next ten minutes until just as I was about to investigate the window, the door screeched open.
I returned to the bed after braving the bathroom trip in the nude and managed to get into bed by crawling onto it and then turning around, laying down, and then scooting forward. This 3 ½ foot headroom was a tricky thing. It was during this final maneuver that I felt something wet on my hands. That does happen, so I just moved my hands up more and lay down. To my soaked chagrin the wetness was an entire puddle that occupied about 85% of the bed’s area. She had peed the bed while I was doing my own business in the bathroom. Keep in mind this was a full mattress, so it was meant for two people. She must have an epic bladder. I felt my manliness threatened by the size of her bladder and made a mental note to challenge her to a no peeing allowed drinking contest sometime in the near future. I had seen a thin blanket in the “office” and prepared myself for a vigilant night avoiding the puddle of urine that was probably still 10% alcohol by volume.
It was at this time that I started hearing strange skittering sounds seemingly coming from the attic and walls. I evaluated the chance of a rat encounter by the light of the conveniently rising sun and decided that it was unlikely any small mammals would fall through the ceiling. As I continued to ponder the urine situation I realized that this provided a convincing argument for the presence of the adult sized diapers. It must be a chronic problem and she actually wears diapers to bed. My initial skepticism of the situation rewarded I verified my pillow barrier one last time that divided me from the urine pond and drifted into blissful skittering-filled sleep.
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tbh I would have gotten the fuck out. your a hero
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Russian Federation4447 Posts
What the fuck, I would 100% have bolted out of that crazy place by the time she peed the bed.
Crazy girl.
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Yeah bro, I would have just slept on the floor. Way to be a trooper I guess.
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On November 10 2008 09:34 hiddink wrote:
tldr
stop this shit
That was an great story hahaha
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Having intellectual conversations with a girl is always retarded for me because they generally just say bullshit and I hate/get annoyed trying to correct everything.
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On November 10 2008 09:41 CharlieMurphy wrote:
Having intellectual conversations with a girl is always retarded for me because they generally just say bullshit and I hate/get annoyed trying to correct everything.
Shes smart and holds a great conversation. Studies right in my areas of interest too.
I actually had a great time and now have an epic story. I think it was the best first date of my life ;p
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It as epic Indeed. Way to be a man!
Are you dating her now? :D
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
wait wtf is TLDR?
oh rgiht i just googled it lol nvm
i thought it was somethnig related to teamliquid lol haha
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United States17042 Posts
Heroic. You did the right thing. I think >.>
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On November 10 2008 09:44 LemOn wrote:
It as epic Indeed. Way to be a man!
Are you dating her now? :D
I'm not sure how I feel about dealing with a bladder problems on a regular basis ;p I think I will definitely go out with her again though. I shall see where things lead and take it from there.
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I hung out at my friend's house
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On November 10 2008 09:41 Eti307 wrote:stop this shit That was an great story hahaha
If u didn't read you don't have to tell every one about it 
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I spent about 8 hours at a bowling alley for a Street Fighter 4 tournament
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This girl seems a bit off to me.. That is a mighty strange way to sleep, and then invite someone up to.
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my gf made me chicken parm. chicken parm > fucking passed out bedwetters.
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rofl weird story man DIAPERS?
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Yea she did not get into the details but it is some medical condition as opposed to just being drunk, or lazy, or whatever else.
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
Holy shit lol, gross...
Passing out during sex then taking an epic piss all over her bed because she forgot to wear her adult diapers, and you still associate yourself with her... amazing!
Her place sounds extremely creepy as well.
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Christ, i woulda gone home if she peed in the bed tbh, what happend once u both woke up? was she embarrest :S ?
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I went round to a friends house and we smoked some weed and played some starcraft 
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"We did umm, two whole cars
It was me, Dez, and Main Three right?
And on the first car in small letters it said
'All you see is..' and then you know
big, big, you know some block silver letters
that said '..crime in the city' right?"
"It just took up the whole car?"
"Yeah yeah, it was a whole car and shit..."
Escuchela.. la ciudad respirando
The new moon rode high in the crown of the metropolis
Shinin, like who on top of this?
People was tusslin, arguin and bustlin
Gangstaz of Gotham hardcore hustlin
I'm wrestlin with words and ideas
My ears is picky, seekin what will transmit
the scribes can apply to transcript, yo
This ain't no time where the usual is suitable
Tonight alive, let's describe the inscrutable
The indisputable, we New York the narcotic
Strength in metal and fiber optics
where mercenaries is paid to trade hot stock tips
for profits, thirsty criminals take pockets
Hard knuckles on the second hands of workin class watches
Skyscrapers is collosus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened
My eagle talons STAY sharpened, like city lights stay throbbin
You either make a way or stay sobbin, the Shiny Apple
is bruised but sweet and if you choose to eat
You could lose your teeth, many crews retreat
Nightly news repeat, who got
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My girl, my girl, don't lie to me
Tell me, where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through
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Wtf? The morning surely must have been awkward
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On November 10 2008 10:29 Snet wrote:
Holy shit lol, gross...
Passing out during sex then taking an epic piss all over her bed because she forgot to wear her adult diapers, and you still associate yourself with her... amazing!
Her place sounds extremely creepy as well.
LOL Everytime I read "Epic Piss" outload I can't stop laughing. That's so goddamn funny and disgusting at the same time O_O.
Maaaaaaaaaaan you've got a lot of balls to have put up with that.
EDIT: Your lucky she didn't unload on you while you were fucking her...
I just hung out with me friends last night and watched Clerks 2 and Role Models, Both fucking hilarious, I recommend them if you haven't seen them.
EDIT2: What is with these epic general threads today, they are so funny 
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Hahahaha wow epic story
tell me how the bathroom door opened, i dont get it lol (although i don't think you, or anyone, do either aahahha)
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Uhh i played a lot of SC last night :D
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this sounds like a situation i would get into... and the kind of reaction I'd have...
so she pissed in the bed.. so what.. it's only piss and there could be a good explanation for it (which it turned out to be)... she's hella cute!
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What an awesome story haha
Way to go, I bet she would have been so embarrassed if she woke up with piss everywhere and you were nowhere to be found. This will probably work out for the best for you.
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Haha dude that was some crazy night you had. But can matured people even fit into diapers?
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They invent adult diapers for purposes like this and for aging people.
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Nice style on the writeup.
If you like the girl, keep her. Cant help medical conditions and that one isnt to cumbersome.
If it is, just move to germany.
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i played settlers of catan for 5 hours
it was fantastic
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On November 10 2008 11:34 KOFgokuon wrote:
i played settlers of catan for 5 hours
it was fantastic
amen
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Hahaha epic story.
For those of you saying "gross" fuck you.
To a certain extent it is, but if its a chronic condition or something she can't really do anything about it. maleorderbride I think you did the right thing in staying especially if you've known her for 12 of your childhood years and shes that cute. I'm interested in knowing what happened the morning both of you woke up...
EDIT: To answer your question in the title, went to a football game with 2 girls, both of which had boyfriends, but neither present. Tried to seduce one of them, but no real luck she thought I was only joking around. 
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The morning was fine actually. She finally woke up and was like "wow I can't believe how wet I got the bed". She just apologized once or twice and we moved on. She wasn't really embarrassed since its something that does just happen with her.
We laughed about it with me making fun of her adult sized huggies and all of the retarded things she had said that evening in front of her friends. Then we moved to her study where she had a couch to sleep on for a few more hours. Second time around was a piss free experience.
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Russian Federation4447 Posts
Although she is cute so this wasn't a bad play.
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OP made my computer.
And now I feel like it has gained value.
haha thanks for the funny story.
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I drove about five hours to another state, drunk a ton of beer (a literal ton), went to a few bars with a few random people, played halo2/dr. mario with a cute girl, then helped her and others (+1 more cute girl from the north and +1 average guy) eat cookies that she randomly decided to bake at like 3:00 am.
We ended up passing out around 4:30, then woke up around 9:00am this morning to watch the CCC (Classic City Classic). It's a gathering of some of the best ultimate frisbee teams in the nation where they duke it out tournament style for a cash prize.
Pretty fun.
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United States3824 Posts
I drank coffee and then alcohol and was sick and stayed up all night drinking water because I got so dehydrated.
Your story is far more epic than anything that I did this week
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man, i would have dipped out of there immediately!!
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She looks like this girl I know o.O
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lol that's some pretty sick shit
a pillow to separate you from the urine-pool?.. - _-;; somehow i don't think that would really work well. I can't imagine sleeping through that smell haha
you're a beast.
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i hope you've forgotten about sergie
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I asked her about that. Apparently Sergie is a fellow grad student, but they've never done anything and aren't dating...one would imagine she has a crush on him though ;p
He is this large, extremely hairy European guy with an accent. In other words, like the opposite of what I look like.
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I shot terrorists with my fellow SWAT-4 Lieutenants SayaSP and MCMcEmcee for like 5 hours
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On November 11 2008 05:45 H_ wrote:
I shot terrorists with my fellow SWAT-4 Lieutenants SayaSP and MCMcEmcee for like 5 hours
GAHAHAHAHA
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I smoked up every hour and did a bunch of stuff, for example:
Played FF2 (SNES)
Played SC - mostly Mass Attack UMS cuz I rule at it and it's awesome
Watched a lot of Whitest Kids 'U Know sketches - mostly the ones where it references weed (a lot of their songs - like Dinosaur Rap, and Get a New Daddy) or 420 (like the Opposite Day sketch). I love these guys! Best sketch group ever! The modern Monty Pythons as I like to call them (who also rule).
Watched the close finishes to NFL's 4PM games.
Played Ridge Racer 6 on XBox using my Hori Joypad.
Exercised (mostly stretching and weight lifting).
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On November 10 2008 09:53 maleorderbride wrote:Show nested quote +On November 10 2008 09:44 LemOn wrote:
It as epic Indeed. Way to be a man!
Are you dating her now? :D I'm not sure how I feel about dealing with a bladder problems on a regular basis ;p I think I will definitely go out with her again though. I shall see where things leak and take it from there.
Corrected for future reference
I also can't seem to see the pic
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plz talk about the morning after :D
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same the pic isnt showing up
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I posted an imagine shack pic now as well. The original file hosting site seems to be done. The pic shows up on my browser for the image shack one though...
The morning after was pretty tame. We just moved to a non-peed on couch and talked for awhile about the events. She is a pretty normal girl when not incredibly drunk and peeing. ;p
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hahahaha
i'd prolly sleep in piss for that girl
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Lol WDF? I was bored browsing tl.net and lol, I read this. Good read. If there is any more piss adventures..tell us. LOL. :D
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Haha epic story. Nicely written too.
As to what I did. Was at home watching reps and talking to some people on msn. Then I watched the latest episode of TopGear. At like 3am I got an SMS from a really drunk girl telling me she will never drink again and that she liked me alot. After that I went to bed.
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Drank beer all night reading TL. Laughing, crying, feeling the human drama. Passed out around 5 am and dreamt about FrozenArbiter.
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4492 Posts
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United States17042 Posts
my nights are never as epic as some of the stories in this thread.
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ROFL MY FUCKING ASS OFF
edit: that was really well written too
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lol great read
+ Show Spoiler +i would be quite pissed if that would happen to me
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Belgium9947 Posts
aww. Did you talk to her afterwards?
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Damn, read this a day too late.
I'd have a great story about Tuesday night, but alas, yesterday was quite uneventful.
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Go head and do the Tuesday story then ;p
If it really is a crazy one I could edit it into my original post with an introduction.
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On November 14 2008 05:26 Cpt Obvious wrote:
Damn, read this a day too late.
I'd have a great story about Tuesday night, but alas, yesterday was quite uneventful.
WHY HELLO THERE!
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EPT
