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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On July 15 2016 07:16 mahrgell wrote:
If he write those girls the same way he does here... Nah... This just sounds creepy as fuck. Of course, if you have some skill with words, you can easily banter off that and make it a great running joke to come back to. But from what I read... I doubt that was the case.
You can get away with the creepiest stuff in real life where it's all about delivery and communication is mostly about the non-verbal aspects anyway.
I don't see why bother over texts..."Oh hey, I'd love to see you, which day are you free to get together" is pretty much all you need first several months. And leave cool/creepy creative stuff for in-person interaction
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On July 15 2016 06:26 plasmidghost wrote:
I'm around 95% sure that the turban I wear scares away people. Perhaps I should just try to find a Sikh girl. Only problem is, there are around 500,000 total Sikhs in the USA, so the number of people I have for potential dates is quite limited
Especially on Tinder etc. I do agree that it all but completely outright disqualifies you with large majority of women. So I'd ditch online dating and move towards interest groups with advantageous sex ratios etc.
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United States15275 Posts
On July 15 2016 03:24 Grumbels wrote:
I met a girl that I'm quite fascinated with, but I'm unsure if my motives are correct. There are uncanny similarities between the two of us, it's a bit like I met my twin sister from another dimension. We followed the same university program, we have almost the same name, similar interests, similar dispositions, some similar rare medical problems. She talked a bit about her history in life and I could affirm everything she told me because I've been in the same situation. I've had the same issues and worries and fears.
So because of this line of thinking I almost took our friendship for granted, but actually I've only met her like four times and I barely know her beyond some hours of conversation. I find it a bit difficult to reign in my enthusiasm, I was borderline careless by being too familiar with her without having earned it. The whole thing feels weird, kind of like I've been offered a chance to meet a 'kindred spirit', and it's up to me to not ruin it. But it's fraught with pitfalls since she is not privy to this fantasy that I projected on her. It feels to me like it will go wrong and I will somehow confuse myself with unrealistic expectations and standards.
You like her because she's like you. There's nothing wrong with this (there's nothing right either, but that's a different subject). As long as you can appreciate and value her as herself, and not as an extension of you, you'll be fine. However, I hear nothing hinting at sexual attraction in your comments. So...what exactly are you worrying about? Are you waiting for something to validate the attraction? Judging from your previous comment, this sounds typical for you.
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On July 14 2016 14:13 Beelzebub1 wrote:
^ Nothing is wrong with you, meeting women online is impossible unless your like a 9 or a 10 and that's pretty damn rare for a male, most males fall between 4 and 7 at least in my eyes as a heterosexual man.
The only thing that's wrong with you is your desperate for love and women can smell desperate a mile away, get in shape, learn to talk to people, get a job, the women will follow my man.
Horseshit, I'm like a 5 at most (thinning hairline, not in perfect shape, though I do work out, and thick glasses) and I have met women online (I started doing online dating stuff at the start of May and I've lined up dates with like 4 girls). If I can do it, anyone can.
Just don't be overbearing, don't be cheesy romantic, and don't sound desperate (I know at first it is hard not to, but trust me, you get better at not sounding desperate as time goes on). If you match with a girl, treat her and talk to her like a human being, not some glorified object. I literally just talk with my matches like they were friends (oh and if you want to ask them out, don't wait too long. I made a rule of 2 days after matching them at the latest for me, depending on how much I've talked to them. Usually the day of or the next day.). If you're using Tinder just use normal pictures. Don't try and show off, and for for the love of Pete please don't do shirtless/ab pictures (those are automatic left swipes for most girls, well at least the kind of girls you'd actually want to date or talk to) or only travel pictures (it makes it look like you have no life outside of vacations). These are all things I've figured out or tips I've learned from girls I know who use Tinder. Another smart thing to do is get a friend to critique your profile. I ran mine by a younger female coworker of mine who also uses Tinder and she had tons of useful feedback.
If you have have even a few mediocre pictures where you look like anything other than an ax murderer (bonus marks if you have a pet in it with you. My first picture is a selfie with my dog resting her head on my shoulder. I've had 4 girls message me purely because of my dog, and landed a date with one of them), a short, concise bio that might have a bit of humour (I have a couple subtle, mild self-deprecating jokes in mine. Doesn't have to be fancy), and you don't just say "hey" or canned pickup lines to matches, you should get somewhere on Tinder. Yes it sounds like you're gaming the system, but that's basically what you should treat Tinder like. A game.
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On July 15 2016 11:38 Ben... wrote:Show nested quote +On July 14 2016 14:13 Beelzebub1 wrote:
^ Nothing is wrong with you, meeting women online is impossible unless your like a 9 or a 10 and that's pretty damn rare for a male, most males fall between 4 and 7 at least in my eyes as a heterosexual man.
The only thing that's wrong with you is your desperate for love and women can smell desperate a mile away, get in shape, learn to talk to people, get a job, the women will follow my man. Horseshit, I'm like a 5 at most (thinning hairline, not in perfect shape, though I do work out, and thick glasses) and I have met women online (I started doing online dating stuff at the start of May and I've lined up dates with like 4 girls). If I can do it, anyone can. Just don't be overbearing, don't be cheesy romantic, and don't sound desperate (I know at first it is hard not to, but trust me, you get better at not sounding desperate as time goes on). If you match with a girl, treat her and talk to her like a human being, not some glorified object. I literally just talk with my matches like they were friends (oh and if you want to ask them out, don't wait too long. I made a rule of 2 days after matching them at the latest for me, depending on how much I've talked to them. Usually the day of or the next day.). If you're using Tinder just use normal pictures. Don't try and show off, and for for the love of Pete please don't do shirtless/ab pictures (those are automatic left swipes for most girls, well at least the kind of girls you'd actually want to date or talk to) or only travel pictures (it makes it look like you have no life outside of vacations). These are all things I've figured out or tips I've learned from girls I know who use Tinder. Another smart thing to do is get a friend to critique your profile. I ran mine by a younger female coworker of mine who also uses Tinder and she had tons of useful feedback. If you have have even a few mediocre pictures where you look like anything other than an ax murderer (bonus marks if you have a pet in it with you. My first picture is a selfie with my dog resting her head on my shoulder. I've had 4 girls message me purely because of my dog, and landed a date with one of them), a short, concise bio that might have a bit of humour (I have a couple subtle, mild self-deprecating jokes in mine. Doesn't have to be fancy), and you don't just say "hey" or canned pickup lines to matches, you should get somewhere on Tinder. Yes it sounds like you're gaming the system, but that's basically what you should treat Tinder like. A game.
If you have abs and they aren't mirror selfies then they only help. Girls say they swipe left on abs but it isn't true. They swipe left on pathetic mirror selfies after 2 other mean-muggin selfies.
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On July 15 2016 11:09 CosmicSpiral wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2016 03:24 Grumbels wrote:
I met a girl that I'm quite fascinated with, but I'm unsure if my motives are correct. There are uncanny similarities between the two of us, it's a bit like I met my twin sister from another dimension. We followed the same university program, we have almost the same name, similar interests, similar dispositions, some similar rare medical problems. She talked a bit about her history in life and I could affirm everything she told me because I've been in the same situation. I've had the same issues and worries and fears.
So because of this line of thinking I almost took our friendship for granted, but actually I've only met her like four times and I barely know her beyond some hours of conversation. I find it a bit difficult to reign in my enthusiasm, I was borderline careless by being too familiar with her without having earned it. The whole thing feels weird, kind of like I've been offered a chance to meet a 'kindred spirit', and it's up to me to not ruin it. But it's fraught with pitfalls since she is not privy to this fantasy that I projected on her. It feels to me like it will go wrong and I will somehow confuse myself with unrealistic expectations and standards. You like her because she's like you. There's nothing wrong with this (there's nothing right either, but that's a different subject). As long as you can appreciate and value her as herself, and not as an extension of you, you'll be fine. However, I hear nothing hinting at sexual attraction in your comments. So...what exactly are you worrying about? Are you waiting for something to validate the attraction? Judging from your previous comment, this sounds typical for you.
I wasn't sure yet about whether I could be attracted to her, since she's quite a bit younger than me (28 vs 21) and that's more than my normal comfort level. Honestly I wouldn't just normally seek out friendship with a woman, especially one younger than me, but in her case I thought it'd be worthwhile on something like an analytical level. If it doesn't lead to a relationship that's fine, friendship is a worthwhile goal in itself. It was very easy for me to talk to her anyhow, and sort of intuitively I felt like I could trust her to respond well to anything out of the ordinary I might say or reveal about myself.
And what's the fun in anything if not overthinking it? I could clear my mind of her whenever I'm not seeing her, not have any anticipations, and maybe I'd be a more stable and content person. But somehow losing out on anticipation seems not worth it, getting excited and anxious about the future is half the joy and misery of anything. And I prefer to devote myself completely to some goal I have.
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On July 15 2016 15:54 plasmidghost wrote:Fuck it, I'm actually done, not even going to bother with online dating anymore or dating at all, for that matter Uninstalled all my dating apps, I already feel immense relief from no longer giving a fuck, time to get out of this rut and get back to living + Show Spoiler +shoutout to Death Grips ![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/MHxc00T.png)
A+. Why give up though, just explore your horizons and find interests where you get to interact with women naturally
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On July 15 2016 18:37 Grumbels wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2016 11:09 CosmicSpiral wrote:On July 15 2016 03:24 Grumbels wrote:
I met a girl that I'm quite fascinated with, but I'm unsure if my motives are correct. There are uncanny similarities between the two of us, it's a bit like I met my twin sister from another dimension. We followed the same university program, we have almost the same name, similar interests, similar dispositions, some similar rare medical problems. She talked a bit about her history in life and I could affirm everything she told me because I've been in the same situation. I've had the same issues and worries and fears.
So because of this line of thinking I almost took our friendship for granted, but actually I've only met her like four times and I barely know her beyond some hours of conversation. I find it a bit difficult to reign in my enthusiasm, I was borderline careless by being too familiar with her without having earned it. The whole thing feels weird, kind of like I've been offered a chance to meet a 'kindred spirit', and it's up to me to not ruin it. But it's fraught with pitfalls since she is not privy to this fantasy that I projected on her. It feels to me like it will go wrong and I will somehow confuse myself with unrealistic expectations and standards. You like her because she's like you. There's nothing wrong with this (there's nothing right either, but that's a different subject). As long as you can appreciate and value her as herself, and not as an extension of you, you'll be fine. However, I hear nothing hinting at sexual attraction in your comments. So...what exactly are you worrying about? Are you waiting for something to validate the attraction? Judging from your previous comment, this sounds typical for you. I wasn't sure yet about whether I could be attracted to her, since she's quite a bit younger than me (28 vs 21) and that's more than my normal comfort level. Honestly I wouldn't just normally seek out friendship with a woman, especially one younger than me, but in her case I thought it'd be worthwhile on something like an analytical level. If it doesn't lead to a relationship that's fine, friendship is a worthwhile goal in itself. It was very easy for me to talk to her anyhow, and sort of intuitively I felt like I could trust her to respond well to anything out of the ordinary I might say or reveal about myself. And what's the fun in anything if not overthinking it? I could clear my mind of her whenever I'm not seeing her, not have any anticipations, and maybe I'd be a more stable and content person. But somehow losing out on anticipation seems not worth it, getting excited and anxious about the future is half the joy and misery of anything. And I prefer to devote myself completely to some goal I have.
She sounds like a good friend material. And younger people can open your mind to new perspectives, fresh stance on life etc. My GF is 8 years younger and best female friend 6 and both are great
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When Tinder backfires... So you know you have to log through facebook, and I only ever had a facebook account for tinder. For context, go ym heart broke like a month ago now, 3 weeks maybe. Figured I might as well get back to it and see what happens.
Well, here's what happened. Set up my facebook, and "oh hey buddy, look, that's your ex and her new boyfriend, do you want to add them to your friend list ?"
Dick move facebook, dick move.
Although I guess that means I'm not ready to get back to dating yet. Not sure about that, I also had friends telling me that it's the only way to truely get over someone. What do you guys think about that ?
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It's different for everyone. Some benefit from "getting back in the game" and taking their mind off of their old love. For some, it just tilts them hard when they're trying to date again. I'd imagine if you're asking for a second opinion, it would probably be good for you to get at least a bit more time to yourself without looking for someone else, just for a breather.
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Personally I have experience of both approaches.
First broke up, she was married 2 months later. I didn't really see anyone besides one girl sporadically. And it took me over a year to get over her.
Second we broke up with another girl who was totally awesome with great family, model body (her twin was a model for a while) but a horrible fit with me, in the 3-4 months that followed I slept with 5 women(while dating most, only 1 drunken hookup), went on dates or made out with more than double that. And I got over her in 3 months.
In fact I got over needing women in the first place as I realized I can get as many as I want at any time and I can go after those I really want that want me equally and let those that don't peacefully go.
And then I met my current girlfriend without even looking for one and the rest is history. Soon, after 1.5 years she might even accept me on.facebook and be in a facebook relationship with me if I'm lucky!
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On July 16 2016 16:38 LemOn wrote:And then I met my current girlfriend without even looking for one and the rest is history. Soon, after 1.5 years she might even accept me on.facebook and be in a facebook relationship with me if I'm lucky!
You're not friends with her on facebook?
You have a very unique/unusual/[other strange word] approach to dating than most people Lem0n 
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Mh, guess I'll wait and see then, just keep focusing on myself for now. It just sucks that it's these moments where I'd need the most affection that there's no one to give some. That's not really something we do in our familiy, so yeah.
In other news, we talked a bit, she was super nice and friendly, told me that her boyfriend was nothing too serious, hinting there was still hope for us.
And then I woke up. I don't even remember my dreams usually. Come on.
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United States15275 Posts
On July 15 2016 18:37 Grumbels wrote:
I wasn't sure yet about whether I could be attracted to her, since she's quite a bit younger than me (28 vs 21) and that's more than my normal comfort level.
I confess, I don't know what this means. It's one thing if the situation will lead to nothing. Falling for someone when there's no viable future happens. Sometimes it tips over in the realm of the squeamish. But attraction is not a rational choice, whether sexual or romantic.
On July 15 2016 18:37 Grumbels wrote:
Honestly I wouldn't just normally seek out friendship with a woman, especially one younger than me, but in her case I thought it'd be worthwhile on something like an analytical level. If it doesn't lead to a relationship that's fine, friendship is a worthwhile goal in itself. It was very easy for me to talk to her anyhow, and sort of intuitively I felt like I could trust her to respond well to anything out of the ordinary I might say or reveal about myself.
Friendship isn't really a 'goal'.
And if she didn't respond well, then what? This is a serious question. You are 28 years old. With the age disparity, why are you worried about the merest suggestion of tension? What if she said something out of the ordinary?
On July 15 2016 18:37 Grumbels wrote:
And what's the fun in anything if not overthinking it? I could clear my mind of her whenever I'm not seeing her, not have any anticipations, and maybe I'd be a more stable and content person. But somehow losing out on anticipation seems not worth it, getting excited and anxious about the future is half the joy and misery of anything. And I prefer to devote myself completely to some goal I have.
It's worth nothing you have two assumptions throughout your posts: you are in the inferior position of power and she is not part of the equation (i.e. you are only seeing her as an extension of yourself, not as an independent person). Sure, you ponder and fret about the idea that you're fostering unrealistic expectations upon her. But while you are worried about the effects of forcing a fantasy onto a real person, you are already engaging in a fantasy: relishing the affects of possibility in lieu of a decision. This is (in a non-pejorative way) a chick thing to do. Young women frequently think of relationships as a narrative, and anticipation of how the narrative unfolds makes them joyful/sad/angry/hopeful. The emotion itself is unimportant, the intensity of it is what matters.
Furthermore, let's assume that all your observations are unassailable fact instead of biased perception. This girl shares similar interests, similar experiences in life, and similar expectations. If this is all the case, then she would be as much in doubt over this as you. So who will take the responsibility and risk getting rejected? Surely it should be the one with more life experience, a better foundation to handle rejection, and stronger ideas over what they want in life?
In short, you are tricking yourself. Your worries over respecting her individuality are actually an excuse for self-indulgence, inciting intense emotion without corresponding action. I'm not condemning you over it; God knows everyone goes through this stage once in their lives. But you're doing the emotional equivalent of masturbation, and well...whacking off simply doesn't compare to the real thing.
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Whats the best way to prepare for an amicable break-up? Its my first serious relationship, and we've been dating for almost a year now. She's back home in Louisiana, and got accepted to her masters degree in France. After that she's stuck their till 2021. We haven't broken up yet, but will the first week of september.
At first it was really rough, and then I kind of accepted it. However, every once in a while we talk about stuff that's happening a few months from now, and it hits me that I won't have her in my life anymore.
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Think I'm gonna take a break from the whole Tinder and dating thing for a month or two. Maybe get my shit together a bit and focus on working out again. Went on yet another date that seemed promising and then the person turned out to be not nearly as interesting as they seemed when I had talked to them. The girl I went with tonight had seemed really cool but when I met her she just seemed kinda boring. I might give her another chance though. I'll think on it.
In the mean time there's a cute little blonde from a different area at work that keeps smiling and saying hi to me. I'll have to have a lil' chit chat with her.
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On July 28 2016 12:23 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Whats the best way to prepare for an amicable break-up? Its my first serious relationship, and we've been dating for almost a year now. She's back home in Louisiana, and got accepted to her masters degree in France. After that she's stuck their till 2021. We haven't broken up yet, but will the first week of september.
At first it was really rough, and then I kind of accepted it. However, every once in a while we talk about stuff that's happening a few months from now, and it hits me that I won't have her in my life anymore.
what other way is there then to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that you are going to be single again?
theres really nothing else you can do that is going to help you 'prepare'.
there are ways to cope with the breakup but that is a different question.
is there a particular reason you have not decided to pursue long distance? i know a lot of people look down on it but i actually happen to have a lot of people around me that have persevered years of long distance to now be in happy relationships so its not a guaranteed death trap like many people say
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EPT
