We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
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On September 11 2014 22:43 Velzi wrote: Okey we have set up a meeting for tomorrow, although she feels a bit sick. She wasnt in school today so i guess wednesday's party went a bit long for her
Good luck!
Okey, as expected, when i wake up, she has send me a message via whatsapp that she feels sick still and she cant come. plus, she is sending her boyfriend to buy her tea and stuff to get rid of the flu. thx a lot omg.
Well, shit. Sorry dude. I guess sometimes girls don't know how to tell a guy they're taken because they don't want you to think they're aware of you making a move. Mind games. They don't want you to think you can't be friends.
Really dont know if it was my fault that i didnt realize her mind games or was it just that she didnt want to hurt me and stay as friends. Well shit happens, moving forward.
On September 12 2014 13:34 peanuts wrote: Talked with my friend who I kinda had a thing with last year at school (talked about her in my blog). She's been liking all of the shit I post on FB and IG for the past weeks or so, so my friend pressured me into messaging her. We ended up chatting for a while and it went pretty well. She's gonna transfer schools, but is still at my old school for the semester. She talked about how she missed me and how she wished I would come down and visit. When we finally stopped talking, she told me that we had to talk again soon because she really missed chatting with me.
I know I should take it as a good sign, but i'm not sure what to do or how to feel. Last year, when it started to get serious, she backed out all of a sudden. I'm still head over heels for her, but i don't want to get too involved in case it ends poorly. Really debating making the drive down to PA to see her...
It seems like you over-pursued her last year.
Now that you are just living your life without her, she starts missing you (and thinking about you) and starts liking your facebook posts.
Check this video out:
Really, that applies to everything. Our proportional sense of value depends on how much access we have to the source of validation.
> High school 1-2-3th grade : WOMANIZER. Having decent amount of sex with beautiful chicks. > High school 4th, i fell in love. Romantic relation, i quit being a dumbass and tried to be a "keeper, lover". > In university prep class, she cheated on me. Depression hard. > University first year, everything is fine, dates are nice, 1 girl is different from the others. > University first year ending, we are lovers. Big love story, friends envy us, pointing us as a real love couple. > We start to live together, every night is another romantic comedy. Movies, console games, ordering pizzas, bunch of things you upvote when you see on 9gag. We are really happy, man. REALLY. > 4th year, she went Paris with ERASMUS programme. Been 3 months. > After a fight, we did not talk for 10 days. After those days, i realize she has a boyfriend. > Very, very, very ugly French peasant. Barely speaks English, he is no match for her. > I die again. Man, i understood that highschool thing was nothing to this pain. 3.5 years. > Its not even a one night stand, they start to fuck each other every day for 1.5 month. > After all, she tries to comeback, accepting i was better in everything and saying sex was a cheap drama. > I reject her. > These days, i cant still listen some songs. I cant pass by some streets. Sometimes i smell her perfume randomly while walking in the faculty... Those were things i made fun of..
However, this is life. Sometimes i find myself in a dark room motivating my own with anger and it feels good. I say to myself, ill be a better lover, better human in future. I wont do some of my mistakes again even they were nothing serious... And i know, she will always regret that decision.
She is all alone, i guess planning back to France for masters. And im having multiple dates, this time im trying my luck with foreigners but i promised myself there will be no real relation, maybe hangouts, flirts, but no being donkey again!
On September 13 2014 08:09 pls no ty wrote: Here is my story:
> High school 1-2-3th grade : WOMANIZER. Having decent amount of sex with beautiful chicks. > High school 4th, i fell in love. Romantic relation, i quit being a dumbass and tried to be a "keeper, lover". > In university prep class, she cheated on me. Depression hard. > University first year, everything is fine, dates are nice, 1 girl is different from the others. > University first year ending, we are lovers. Big love story, friends envy us, pointing us as a real love couple. > We start to live together, every night is another romantic comedy. Movies, console games, ordering pizzas, bunch of things you upvote when you see on 9gag. We are really happy, man. REALLY. > 4th year, she went Paris with ERASMUS programme. Been 3 months. > After a fight, we did not talk for 10 days. After those days, i realize she has a boyfriend. > Very, very, very ugly French peasant. Barely speaks English, he is no match for her. > I die again. Man, i understood that highschool thing was nothing to this pain. 3.5 years. > Its not even a one night stand, they start to fuck each other every day for 1.5 month. > After all, she tries to comeback, accepting i was better in everything and saying sex was a cheap drama. > I reject her. > These days, i cant still listen some songs. I cant pass by some streets. Sometimes i smell her perfume randomly while walking in the faculty... Those were things i made fun of..
However, this is life. Sometimes i find myself in a dark room motivating my own with anger and it feels good. I say to myself, ill be a better lover, better human in future. I wont do some of my mistakes again even they were nothing serious... And i know, she will always regret that decision.
She is all alone, i guess planning back to France for masters. And im having multiple dates, this time im trying my luck with foreigners but i promised myself there will be no real relation, maybe hangouts, flirts, but no being donkey again!
I wish I could give you a hug my fellow TLer from Turkey. No homo.
A while back I posted about asking a girl from my school out... a long while back. Like almost a year ago probably. Well, I finally got the nerve to do it. Unfortunately, I don't see her often enough IRL to ask her out face-to-face, so I resorted to doing it over a facebook message, which is not how I wanted to ask her.
My gameplan was to go on a hike through a nice wooded area near our University. It started raining right as we got to the woods, and stopped when we got back to the library. That was the only time it rained all day, so I'm taking it as a sign from providence. Neither of us had umbrellas, although it wasn't raining too hard/wasn't too cold.
After that we hung out in the library with one of my friends who also knows her, until she had to go home. When she was leaving she asked me to come with her and we walked together for a bit. She asked me if that was a date and I said "Yep." She started getting kind of tongue tied, but she managed to get the point across that she wasn't interested in dating in general, and hadn't in a year and a half. Then she said "I know it sounds like I'm friendzoning you, but I really would like to be friends." So I was like "Alright cool." Obviously I'm a bit disappointed because she seemed pretty cool, but if it's not happening, then it's not happening. I don't think there was anything I did during the hike/talking that would have ruined it, so it honestly seems like she just isn't down to date right now.
My friend who was at the library had previously asked her out and got the same response more or less, so we were talking about it a bit to get over it.
It's a weird feeling. After a few years of not being ready to date, I'm finally ready. At this point I am the most confident I've been about myself in years, because I am looking pretty good, have developed a pretty decent personality, and just all around like myself. The girl that I went on a hike with seemed like a good match, because of our shared interests. Despite this, it's a no-go. It seems like I just didn't have a chance, no matter what I did so it leaves me feeling a bit frustrated because there's no way to improve. Hopefully it was just something where I had no chance, and I'm not just messing up in some obvious way that I can't see...
When she was leaving she asked me to come with her and we walked together for a bit. She asked me if that was a date and I said "Yep."
Yeah, never spring such a serious tonal shift on a girl unless you're clearly showing interest from the start. You probably blindsided her and she rejected you out of natural defensiveness.
My friend who was at the library had previously asked her out and got the same response more or less, so we were talking about it a bit to get over it.
She would break her own rule if she met the right man.
I don't think there was anything I did during the hike/talking that would have ruined it, so it honestly seems like she just isn't down to date right now.
Probably more that you didn't do anything that would have encouraged it. I didn't read a single thing related to actual interaction with her.
It's a weird feeling. After a few years of not being ready to date, I'm finally ready. At this point I am the most confident I've been about myself in years, because I am looking pretty good, have developed a pretty decent personality, and just all around like myself. The girl that I went on a hike with seemed like a good match, because of our shared interests. Despite this, it's a no-go. It seems like I just didn't have a chance, no matter what I did so it leaves me feeling a bit frustrated because there's no way to improve. Hopefully it was just something where I had no chance, and I'm not just messing up in some obvious way that I can't see...
I'd somewhat question your standard for what constitutes "confident" and what not. If you were that determined to go out with her, it wouldn't have mattered how often you've met her face-to-face. The social barriers you're mentioning don't matter nearly as much as you think.
I apologize for the glib answers but it's late over here, so I don't have time to elaborate.
Hm, I asked her out to the fancy rat convention and she didn't want to join me, is that a bad sign? (actually, I'm having trouble finding someone to come with me)
On September 19 2014 01:42 Grumbels wrote: Hm, I asked her out to the fancy rat convention and she didn't want to join me, is that a bad sign? (actually, I'm having trouble finding someone to come with me)
I'm not having any issue to find reason why someone would NOT go to a fancy rat convention, so it might just be her not liking rats.
On September 19 2014 01:42 Grumbels wrote: Hm, I asked her out to the fancy rat convention and she didn't want to join me, is that a bad sign? (actually, I'm having trouble finding someone to come with me)
I'm not having any issue to find reason why someone would NOT go to a fancy rat convention, so it might just be her not liking rats.
But isn't not wanting to overcome your irrational rat phobia a bad sign?
On September 19 2014 01:42 Grumbels wrote: Hm, I asked her out to the fancy rat convention and she didn't want to join me, is that a bad sign? (actually, I'm having trouble finding someone to come with me)
I'm not having any issue to find reason why someone would NOT go to a fancy rat convention, so it might just be her not liking rats.
But isn't not wanting to overcome your irrational rat phobia a bad sign?
commiting to overcoming a phobia for first date? nah not gonna happen
On September 12 2014 13:34 peanuts wrote: Talked with my friend who I kinda had a thing with last year at school (talked about her in my blog). She's been liking all of the shit I post on FB and IG for the past weeks or so, so my friend pressured me into messaging her. We ended up chatting for a while and it went pretty well. She's gonna transfer schools, but is still at my old school for the semester. She talked about how she missed me and how she wished I would come down and visit. When we finally stopped talking, she told me that we had to talk again soon because she really missed chatting with me.
I know I should take it as a good sign, but i'm not sure what to do or how to feel. Last year, when it started to get serious, she backed out all of a sudden. I'm still head over heels for her, but i don't want to get too involved in case it ends poorly. Really debating making the drive down to PA to see her...
It seems like you over-pursued her last year.
Now that you are just living your life without her, she starts missing you (and thinking about you) and starts liking your facebook posts.
Really, that applies to everything. Our proportional sense of value depends on how much access we have to the source of validation.
Wow thanks for this, watched 3 of them almost finished the ebook now, offers a really great perspective.
I've been with this girl for 2 months now, we went for a holiday I met her parents her village etc. I moved to the same city where she works (lucky accident as my lease ended and my sister had a room, she was a factor tho) but I play poker do sports she works and is really busy. So we started messaging, a lot like a week ago when I got new smartphone with whatsapp and skype. It started to be long every day back and forth convos writing poems and stuff, sending kisses and compliments me more often than her tho.
The sex is amazing with her, she'd come off 5 times in a day on holiday, I can go for long 40m+ and am super interested in her body cause of 80 day no porn nofap (with 2 exceptions. No porn tho, I cover my eyes even when boobs come on TV). But this week, the same week we were writing a lot she'd pull away at first when I met her, was giving me 0 signals no kiss or touch for like 4 hours at a barbecue (still had sex later which she initiated, but it was really weird before then), she told me it takes her "a long time getting used to me" as I come out pretty strong and today she messaged me she's sorry she was cold towards me this week she doesn't understand why. (We really are a great fit physically and logically). I just laughed it off in another message.
Now it's gonna be really weird if I stop these long convos on messengers, but I kinda have to right according to that dude? I'll just make up an excuse like that poker has taken off and I need to focus and resort to short messages and setting dates... I love the convos but they seem to really lower her attraction towards me every time we meet, like I'm friend zoning myself.
Also I stopped nofap...Makes the sex awesome but really it seems her attraction level is dropping heavily anywhere else but in bed as I come off really strong every time I meet her...
And I will rarely see her more than 3 times per week, and even then I'm lucky cause of our schedules.
Anyway sorry for rant, I guess I simply have to do what he suggests? Cause I want this girl long term not just for the sex
This all dating thing seems so confusing to me, why can't I do whatever the fuck I want and just be my ingorant nerd self :/
Uff..just came home from a night at a party. My ex-gf was there...I hadn't seen her in 1 year or so. She went to a friend of mine and started asking questions like 'Is it him? He made such a change, how is it?' etc. Then she passed another time and we eyelocked.
You know how they say, you have 2 loves in your life: the one you're gonna marry and another one with whom it couldn't work, but you still think about her sometimes.
When she was leaving she asked me to come with her and we walked together for a bit. She asked me if that was a date and I said "Yep."
Yeah, never spring such a serious tonal shift on a girl unless you're clearly showing interest from the start. You probably blindsided her and she rejected you out of natural defensiveness.
Thanks for the reply. I'll answer it piece by piece. First, I kept it kinda non-serious during the "hike that wasn't". It was more of a getting to know each other thing, and if you want to criticize me for that approach, feel free. However, I never did the tonal shift. I know that you should only be springing something like that on a woman if you have led up to it in some way. She asked me if it was a date. Personally, I felt it was clear that I was showing interest, but not too much.
My friend who was at the library had previously asked her out and got the same response more or less, so we were talking about it a bit to get over it.
She would break her own rule if she met the right man.
Exactly! That's what makes me feel worse about it - if I were perfect then there is no way I would have got that response. However, I'm not, and I'm not sure if me at my best would get a better response.
I don't think there was anything I did during the hike/talking that would have ruined it, so it honestly seems like she just isn't down to date right now.
Probably more that you didn't do anything that would have encouraged it. I didn't read a single thing related to actual interaction with her.
I tried to keep the interaction mostly out of it, but the conversation was not date-related enough, probably. One thing I struggle with is finding the right level of conversation, and making constant good conversation. Personally, I'm fine with short-ish silences but she seemed not to be too comfortable with them, so I tried to avoid having any. However, it can be hard to think of anything worthwhile to say on the spot. I ended up doing an alright job of that, but that made me steer the conversation towards things that we had in common(Ghibli movies, working out), which may not have been the right approach. Honestly, I'm not sure how to ramp the conversation up, or even if I should have in this case. Part of that was me worrying that she wouldn't welcome that side of the conversation.
It's a weird feeling. After a few years of not being ready to date, I'm finally ready. At this point I am the most confident I've been about myself in years, because I am looking pretty good, have developed a pretty decent personality, and just all around like myself. The girl that I went on a hike with seemed like a good match, because of our shared interests. Despite this, it's a no-go. It seems like I just didn't have a chance, no matter what I did so it leaves me feeling a bit frustrated because there's no way to improve. Hopefully it was just something where I had no chance, and I'm not just messing up in some obvious way that I can't see...
I'd somewhat question your standard for what constitutes "confident" and what not. If you were that determined to go out with her, it wouldn't have mattered how often you've met her face-to-face. The social barriers you're mentioning don't matter nearly as much as you think.
I apologize for the glib answers but it's late over here, so I don't have time to elaborate.
Well, I hadn't met her face-to-face since before the summer, but we were chatting online a bit over it. If I left it up to a chance encounter that may have taken a lot longer, and I wasn't willing to wait for that long. Could you explain what you mean by the social barriers?
something i like to do with girls when im interested but not sure if i want to start a relationship is, i talk about relationships. if youre at an age where both parties are mature enough to talk about relationships without having a girly fit, then relationships are a pretty good topic in general. it also puts it out there that you are interested in relationships, with or without her, but doesnt necessarily put pressure on you or her. it just leaves the door open for that possibility. also, if you get to hear more about her opinions/experiences of guys then its easier to get your head around what shes like and what she likes.
On September 19 2014 12:16 WarSame wrote: Thanks for the reply. I'll answer it piece by piece. First, I kept it kinda non-serious during the "hike that wasn't". It was more of a getting to know each other thing, and if you want to criticize me for that approach, feel free. However, I never did the tonal shift. I know that you should only be springing something like that on a woman if you have led up to it in some way. She asked me if it was a date. Personally, I felt it was clear that I was showing interest, but not too much.
Thanks for explaining that. It sounded much different in your initial response.
I won't criticize you for "getting to know each other" generally. You don't know her and you're genuinely interested in her. It's a good thing you're not a self-conceited asshole. However it doesn't sound like it's coming from a good source, so to speak. That leads into some stuff that would violate the tenets of this thread, so I'll avoid discussing it here. I would be happy to talk to you about it in PMs though.
On September 19 2014 12:16 WarSame wrote: Exactly! That's what makes me feel worse about it - if I were perfect then there is no way I would have got that response. However, I'm not, and I'm not sure if me at my best would get a better response.
Well, you can forget about that because there's no such thing as perfection in this sphere of life. And girls aren't looking for it either.
If you were at your best, there's no telling what would have happened. Some girls would find you repulsive, some would find you irresistibly sexy. But this encounter in itself doesn't weight the scales on one side or another. It's the holistic state of your life that determines whether you are your "best self". Don't use this one episode as a measuring stick of your life.
On September 19 2014 12:16 WarSame wrote: I tried to keep the interaction mostly out of it, but the conversation was not date-related enough, probably. One thing I struggle with is finding the right level of conversation, and making constant good conversation. Personally, I'm fine with short-ish silences but she seemed not to be too comfortable with them, so I tried to avoid having any. However, it can be hard to think of anything worthwhile to say on the spot. I ended up doing an alright job of that, but that made me steer the conversation towards things that we had in common (Ghibli movies, working out), which may not have been the right approach. Honestly, I'm not sure how to ramp the conversation up, or even if I should have in this case. Part of that was me worrying that she wouldn't welcome that side of the conversation.
Conversation in such a situation doesn't need to be date-related. Honestly I would stay far away from that subject as it's going to detract from any shared fun you two might expect. It puts expectations and pressure on the girl that don't need to exist.
Short silences are fine if you are comfortable. If you feel comfortable with them, she will feel comfortable with them.
"Worthwhile" is a matter of attitude, not subject matter. People in general are attracted to passion and want to be around passionate people.
Knowing how to ramp conversations is a social skill that takes time to learn. You'll be fine as long as you try to improve on that front.
On September 19 2014 12:16 WarSame wrote: Well, I hadn't met her face-to-face since before the summer, but we were chatting online a bit over it. If I left it up to a chance encounter that may have taken a lot longer, and I wasn't willing to wait for that long. Could you explain what you mean by the social barriers?
Thanks for your answers, I appreciate them.
It's a good thing you took action. But listen to what you were saying before.
Unfortunately, I don't see her often enough IRL to ask her out face-to-face, so I resorted to doing it over a facebook message, which is not how I wanted to ask her.
My gameplan was to go on a hike through a nice wooded area near our University. It started raining right as we got to the woods, and stopped when we got back to the library.
When she was leaving she asked me to come with her and we walked together for a bit.
At nearly every stage you opted out of the direct approach for the indirect approach. Instead of finding a way to talk to her during the day, you chose Facebook and rationalized it. You could've simply hung out and had fun, but you stuck with a plan that didn't work out. When she was leaving she was the one to initiate, not you. Right after you took the first step, you simply...floated. And the feeling I got from your initial post is that despite your claims about feeling confident, you didn't feel entitled. There had to be machinations and work-arounds that weren't directly related to any logistical issues. Even when you talking about getting to know her, I had no inkling that you actually enjoyed spending time with her. Apparently you were stuck in your head, worrying about how to trigger attraction or find out things about her.
On September 12 2014 13:34 peanuts wrote: Talked with my friend who I kinda had a thing with last year at school (talked about her in my blog). She's been liking all of the shit I post on FB and IG for the past weeks or so, so my friend pressured me into messaging her. We ended up chatting for a while and it went pretty well. She's gonna transfer schools, but is still at my old school for the semester. She talked about how she missed me and how she wished I would come down and visit. When we finally stopped talking, she told me that we had to talk again soon because she really missed chatting with me.
I know I should take it as a good sign, but i'm not sure what to do or how to feel. Last year, when it started to get serious, she backed out all of a sudden. I'm still head over heels for her, but i don't want to get too involved in case it ends poorly. Really debating making the drive down to PA to see her...
It seems like you over-pursued her last year.
Now that you are just living your life without her, she starts missing you (and thinking about you) and starts liking your facebook posts.
EPT
