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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Xiphos
Canada7507 Posts
On August 29 2014 15:58 IgnE wrote: You are what you perceive yourself to be. If you pretend to be something else, aren't you really just being something else? The world is constructed upon markets and industry. And during business dealings, parties will hype their assets up to secure themselves a better deal. Pretension exists in all levels. Its unavoidable. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States44322 Posts
On August 29 2014 15:55 Xiphos wrote: You are confusing with pretend with deceiving.  You are pretending and you are deceiving her. Pretending that you are something you're not necessarily deceives her (unless she doesn't actually fall for your lies, but that's not really part of your plan anyway... you expect her to be tricked). deceive: "to mislead by a false appearance or statement" ~ http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/deceive "to make (someone) believe something that is not true" ~ http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deceive These are things that happen when you pretend to be something you're not. I'm going to sleep now lol. I need a break from this. Have a good night. EDIT: On August 29 2014 16:03 levelping wrote: Finally I'm going to wave my huge "Derailment" flag here. I think the op got the advice he's looking for and I'm talking with him on pm. Thank god. | ||
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On August 29 2014 16:03 levelping wrote: Finally I'm going to wave my huge "Derailment" flag here. I think the op got the advice he's looking for and I'm talking with him on pm. After skimming the actual advice given to the OP I disagree with your approach of Facebook stalking to see if she has a boyfriend and organising group outings. It seems like a really shy way to approach a girl although it probably depends on the type of girl you're approaching. Plus, if she has photos of a guy on her Facebook are going to steer clear of the girl only to find out it's her ex-boyfriend? Given the guy got the number during a class setting I feel that going on group outings is going to make it seem like he is unable to make a move or disinterested and I feel neither of these situations are ideal. Plus there is the potential that he invites a group out and another guy guy monopolises her time which is definitely a horrible outcome. Personally I'd be more inclined to call the girl and invite her out with the implication that you are romantically interested in her. You don't have to want to marry her to invite her out. It's just saying that you find her interesting and want to see if there is a romantic spark there. Confidence is usually sexy and calling a girl and asking her out is both confident and a little vulnerable because you're interested enough to put yourself out there and be rejected? Worst case scenario she declines because she has a boyfriend or is disinterested but in both of these situations at least you found out pretty quickly. IMO. She gave her number so you have to assume she's interested and proceed as though she's single and interested until explicitly told otherwise. Also depends what the OP wants. If he's happy just being friends w/ her then whatever I guess. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On August 13 2014 05:44 Chaosu wrote: It's not week with her, it's week long trip with a bunch of people. If you sence kind of adventure you should go even with bunch of strangers/alone. I can't comment on friendzone aspect, sorry. Slept on the same double bed so it was more than that  Anyways, I've spent a week with her, she saw me tired as fuck, drunk when she was sober telling her so much bs, hangover but still for some reason likes me. It's a bizarre fit really in terms of life paths, sex is insane (60day noporn/fap with 1exception helps), seems all but inevitable that It'll get serious with this girl. We have 3hr Skype vieochats and what not, I'm going to a party in her 800ppl town next week and will move 30mins walk from her to Prague - lucky coincidence, got kicked from my flat in a 100km away city and theres a room in a flat where my younger sister lives in Prague - since I play poker online I dont care where I live. Prague's even better for the casino, sports and poker community. One thing's kinda new to me tho from the opposite perspective - she's had a friend since long time ago when she was in a long relationship with her ex boyfriend. The friend probably loves her, you know standard friendzoned love the broad stuff or sth or at least it seems like it. He was excited when she broke up, they apparently tried something but it didn't work, she says she had a hard talk with him recently but he doesn't get it. She doesn't want to lose him as a friend tho (standard chick stuff) so she doesn't want him to find out that she got with someone so soon so she asked me not to post photos where we're together on facebook at all etc. I asked a friend and she explained to me that 1) she needs to know that I really wanna be serious with her 2) she needs to tell the guy herself, slowly break the news 3) only then she'll feel comfortable with the guy seeing her with me I know that's retarded right? and I remember how awful it was when a girl kept me on a leash in a friendzone from my past, and she doesn't probably even realize shes doing that - girls hate risking relationships. For me it doesn't matter rly, sometimes I'm like damn girl - I'm in the best physique of my life dropped 20kg in a year, chatting with chicks is easy for me. nofap makes me super horny and before I move I won't see her very often at all - she's playing with thin ice not letting me show that I'm with someone. Who can tell if when I won't get drunk and use that as an excuse.That'd be me just being retarded tho. And it's not my right to meddle or even care about it. But it's real bad for the guy...hopeless friend zone is the worst thing and the sooner he can get away the better right guys? | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
On August 29 2014 17:58 Yoz wrote: After skimming the actual advice given to the OP I disagree with your approach of Facebook stalking to see if she has a boyfriend and organising group outings. It seems like a really shy way to approach a girl although it probably depends on the type of girl you're approaching. Plus, if she has photos of a guy on her Facebook are going to steer clear of the girl only to find out it's her ex-boyfriend? Given the guy got the number during a class setting I feel that going on group outings is going to make it seem like he is unable to make a move or disinterested and I feel neither of these situations are ideal. Plus there is the potential that he invites a group out and another guy guy monopolises her time which is definitely a horrible outcome. Personally I'd be more inclined to call the girl and invite her out with the implication that you are romantically interested in her. You don't have to want to marry her to invite her out. It's just saying that you find her interesting and want to see if there is a romantic spark there. Confidence is usually sexy and calling a girl and asking her out is both confident and a little vulnerable because you're interested enough to put yourself out there and be rejected? Worst case scenario she declines because she has a boyfriend or is disinterested but in both of these situations at least you found out pretty quickly. IMO. She gave her number so you have to assume she's interested and proceed as though she's single and interested until explicitly told otherwise. Also depends what the OP wants. If he's happy just being friends w/ her then whatever I guess. Well I prefaced my advice that this is in the context of him being interested in his Singaporean classmate. Accordingly my experience having lived and dated here is that a very direct approach is typically bad and off putting, and girls prefer some degree of friendship and familiarity before taking things further. Inviting her on a solo date after just knowing her for a few days is going to look freaky, unless she's very different from the average singapore girl. I feel that showing romantic inclinations after just a few days is rather premature. Which is why you would want to set the stage eventually showing romantic interests, and group outings is one way to do that. Fb stalking works not because you see pictures but because you can find mutual friends whom you can ask directly. Again, I pointed out that singapore is pretty small so there's a good chance you know someone who knows someone else. | ||
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Grumbels
Netherlands7031 Posts
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crippledx
Singapore29 Posts
But yea, i appreciate all your advices so you guys can just agree to disagree and stop arguing over being what self. @Yoz What you said makes sense but I'm just probably gonna bide my time and wait for my next tutorial. It seems a bit too rushed and desperate if i start calling her now... | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
On August 29 2014 18:34 Grumbels wrote: Is checking up on a potential partner on facebook and google socially acceptable? I try to never do this in-depth although typically I can't resist doing taking a cursory look. And I'll certainly never admit to it. I feel that in this day and age of social media you can probably assume she's doing the same to you. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On August 29 2014 18:34 Grumbels wrote: Is checking up on a potential partner on facebook and google socially acceptable? I try to never do this in-depth although typically I can't resist doing taking a cursory look. And I'll certainly never admit to it. Yeah it is, they do the same to you edit: oops too late yeah totally normal, the info on facebook, google+ is stuff she wants to share anyways don't see anything wrong with it. Thing is you lose that wonder of exploring stuff about her through conversation, sometimes people remaining a mystery to each other is better and creates that spark/attractiveness. Sort of like fun pub arguments were ruined by mobile internet and wikipedia. | ||
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Grumbels
Netherlands7031 Posts
I don't think so, I have no real-life presence on the internet. | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On August 29 2014 18:39 LemOn wrote: Thing is you lose that wonder of exploring stuff about her through conversation, sometimes people remaining a mystery to each other is better and creates that spark/attractiveness. Agree with this. In the past I've checked Facebook to see how many mutual friends a girl and I will have because I prefer dating people who are more distant from my friendship circles. However I'll generally refrain from Facebook adding and skimming their wall/pictures until a few dates in. I'd much prefer to meet someone without any strong predispositions about them. | ||
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kaykaykay
Singapore637 Posts
On August 29 2014 18:32 levelping wrote: Well I prefaced my advice that this is in the context of him being interested in his Singaporean classmate. Accordingly my experience having lived and dated here is that a very direct approach is typically bad and off putting, and girls prefer some degree of friendship and familiarity before taking things further. Inviting her on a solo date after just knowing her for a few days is going to look freaky, unless she's very different from the average singapore girl. I feel that showing romantic inclinations after just a few days is rather premature. Which is why you would want to set the stage eventually showing romantic interests, and group outings is one way to do that. Fb stalking works not because you see pictures but because you can find mutual friends whom you can ask directly. Again, I pointed out that singapore is pretty small so there's a good chance you know someone who knows someone else. I'm Singaporean and have asked plenty of Singaporean girls out after knowing them (in a cafe, in a library, on public transport etc.) most girls will give you their numbers/facebook if you ask for it but how interested they are to go on a date with you is another story. Maybe they just feel pressured by the social situation at that point to give you their contacts, (girls hate to look like they're caught in an awkward social situation.) not forgetting it's a huge ego boost for them also. | ||
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On August 29 2014 18:32 levelping wrote: I feel that showing romantic inclinations after just a few days is rather premature. Which is why you would want to set the stage eventually showing romantic interests, and group outings is one way to do that. Fb stalking works not because you see pictures but because you can find mutual friends whom you can ask directly. Again, I pointed out that singapore is pretty small so there's a good chance you know someone who knows someone else. Singaporean girls must be pretty weird because asking a girl for her number is generally romantic interest. Or sexual interest. Some form of interest. And it often happens the first time you meet someone. In Australia if a guy asks a girl for a number the girl has probably gone and told her friends that a guy asked for her number. She knows that you're interested at this point. My main concern in this scenario is that the OP got the number in a tutorial setting and needs to ensure the girl is aware that he is interested in her romantically/sexually rather than just being her friend. In which case you hit the dreaded friend zone. Instead of that scenario where she knows he's interested she might think that he just wants a friend to hang out with before/after tutorials. Or that he just wanted her number so he could organise group outings. I'm not suggesting the guy walks up to the girl and professes his love. I think that would be a horrible play in this situation but I do think that guys need to indicate to girls when they are interested in a non-platonic way. It can be something as subtle as him dressing up a lot more than usual when they hang out together (i.e. he's trying to impress her because he's interested) but I feel this needs to occur or the girl will never consider him as anything more than a friend. Asking mutual friends is also dangerous because you have no idea who they are closer to. If he asks a mutual friend whether the girl has a boyfriend and she turns around and tells the girl then it looks pretty bad for him. In the past I had a situation where I asked Girl A whether Girl B had a boyfriend (a friend was being a wuss and said he's ONLY make a move if I could find out if Girl B was single) and Girl B was single. However, Girl A told Girl B that I asked and when I never made a move on Girl B she turned super cold towards me saying that she disliked guys who were too afraid to make a move. Got cleared up a month or so later when my friend finally made a move =P Sidenote: Is this why the Singaporean Government was offering dating classes and stuff to boost the population? XD | ||
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crippledx
Singapore29 Posts
On August 30 2014 13:26 Yoz wrote: Singaporean girls must be pretty weird because asking a girl for her number is generally romantic interest. Or sexual interest. Some form of interest. And it often happens the first time you meet someone. In Australia if a guy asks a girl for a number the girl has probably gone and told her friends that a guy asked for her number. She knows that you're interested at this point. My main concern in this scenario is that the OP got the number in a tutorial setting and needs to ensure the girl is aware that he is interested in her romantically/sexually rather than just being her friend. In which case you hit the dreaded friend zone. Instead of that scenario where she knows he's interested she might think that he just wants a friend to hang out with before/after tutorials. Or that he just wanted her number so he could organise group outings. I'm not suggesting the guy walks up to the girl and professes his love. I think that would be a horrible play in this situation but I do think that guys need to indicate to girls when they are interested in a non-platonic way. It can be something as subtle as him dressing up a lot more than usual when they hang out together (i.e. he's trying to impress her because he's interested) but I feel this needs to occur or the girl will never consider him as anything more than a friend. Asking mutual friends is also dangerous because you have no idea who they are closer to. If he asks a mutual friend whether the girl has a boyfriend and she turns around and tells the girl then it looks pretty bad for him. In the past I had a situation where I asked Girl A whether Girl B had a boyfriend (a friend was being a wuss and said he's ONLY make a move if I could find out if Girl B was single) and Girl B was single. However, Girl A told Girl B that I asked and when I never made a move on Girl B she turned super cold towards me saying that she disliked guys who were too afraid to make a move. Got cleared up a month or so later when my friend finally made a move =P Sidenote: Is this why the Singaporean Government was offering dating classes and stuff to boost the population? XD Well I guess it's safer to take the "get to know" path with a tutorial mate since we'll be seeing each other in class for like 3 months. I guess it's easier to go for the dating route straight if you asked for a random girl's number as even if she rejects you most probably will never see her again. I don't have any close mutual friends with her so that's ok, it might be even better that way. And i've never really dated anyone before actually. LOL | ||
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kwizach
3658 Posts
On August 31 2014 00:16 crippledx wrote: Well I guess it's safer to take the "get to know" path with a tutorial mate since we'll be seeing each other in class for like 3 months. I guess it's easier to go for the dating route straight if you asked for a random girl's number as even if she rejects you most probably will never see her again. I don't have any close mutual friends with her so that's ok, it might be even better that way. And i've never really dated anyone before actually. LOL Try to find out what her interests are. If, for example, you find out she's really into movies, you can casually suggest going to see this new movie you've heard about which sounds great. If you do go to the movies with her, however, try to meet her beforehand so you have the chance to go get a drink and talk for some time together before actually going to the theater itself. It'll be a better way to get to know her than in class. And like Davos and Darkplasmaball suggested, be yourself. The worst thing you can do if you're not confident to begin with is put additional pressure on yourself or lying about stuff, which will only make you more uncomfortable. If she's already talking to you, it means you seem like a nice guy to her, so stop worrying about how you appear to her and just enjoy the time you're spending with her. | ||
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Zooper31
United States5710 Posts
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On August 31 2014 00:16 crippledx wrote: Well I guess it's safer to take the "get to know" path with a tutorial mate since we'll be seeing each other in class for like 3 months. I guess it's easier to go for the dating route straight if you asked for a random girl's number as even if she rejects you most probably will never see her again. I don't have any close mutual friends with her so that's ok, it might be even better that way. And i've never really dated anyone before actually. LOL Well. It's a new experience for you so have fun. Also, it's not to say that mutual friends is better/worse or that going from friends to relationship is better than strangers to dating to relationship. It's just a matter of preferences for different people. | ||
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Grumbels
Netherlands7031 Posts
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CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
On August 31 2014 22:55 Grumbels wrote: I read that two things that attract women are 1) that someone with "edge" (like sarcasm or aggression) allows for a fantasy where they are special for being spared and being able to tame you; and 2) that if you seem to suffer in some sort of noble fashion, so that it's clear that that deep down you're really not okay although you're trying, that this fuels the fantasy that they alone can be the ones to comfort you and make you whole again and that this will create a special bond. The problem with these ideas is that they attract the type of women that you do not want in your life. Any attraction based on a fantasy will inevitably fall apart or lead into a self-destructive relationship. | ||
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