EPTWhere have you found the most interesting people to date? (not at uni anymore). Think I'll just walk into the Meltdown in London and see whats up next time I'm in the city.
Dating: How's your luck? - Page 524
| Forum Index > General Forum |
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
|
MoonfireSpam
United Kingdom1153 Posts
Where have you found the most interesting people to date? (not at uni anymore). Think I'll just walk into the Meltdown in London and see whats up next time I'm in the city. | ||
|
Ghostcom
Denmark4783 Posts
| ||
|
arb
Noobville17922 Posts
On July 24 2014 05:32 Chocolate wrote: Same with me. We even have the same color hair and eyes. I think it's due to: 1. a lot of white guys don't pay them much attention and generally white males are considered more attractive than other males 2. culturally their families are probably more likely to support social-climbing and white men present an opportunity for that 3. they tend to come from families where being smart/making money is highly prized, so you might have that going for you I think generally it's the first one though, for whatever reason a lot of guys I know just tend to ignore non-white girls. Something about Asian women draws white men in. I always say don't believe any white man when they say fucking an Asian girl isnt one of the things they wanna do. I actually asked the first and only one i had sex with what she preferred to be labeled color wise and she said Yellow. i was like, well thats cool lolol. | ||
|
Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On July 24 2014 17:12 hansonslee wrote: Although there is the option to pursue a casual relationship, the problem is that this is not the right girl for a casual relationship because she is a sincere, genuinely nice, down-to-earth girl. I feel that that approach would be extremely inappropriate for her. So I liked the bit where you decided that after knowing her a little while that you knew exactly what she could and couldn't handle. As well as what was best for her =p | ||
|
hansonslee
United States2027 Posts
On July 24 2014 20:51 Yoz wrote: So I liked the bit where you decided that after knowing her a little while that you knew exactly what she could and couldn't handle. As well as what was best for her =p Hahaha. Some people do tell me that I jump to conclusion a bit too quickly with those matters. But I think I have enough experience to know what the best course of action is | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
So, I'm 23 years old, currently in college (graduating next Spring), and I've been dating the same girl for a little over two years (since May of 2012). We'll call her K for now. K and I have been having a lot of problems lately, and I'm really struggling with whether or not I should end the relationship. The problem I'm having is that we get into tons and tons of nothing fights over the dumbest things, and I'm just incredibly emotionally and physically exhausted at this point. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which is a stomach condition that can cause incredible amounts of discomfort if it's severe enough (and mine is, unfortunately). All of these fights only serve to stress me out more and cause even more pain (because IBS is often stress-driven, at least partly), so I'm sick virtually all the time. Two days ago, it got so bad that I couldn't get to sleep until 8am because of stomach pains, and when I finally got to sleep, I only had time to sleep for a few hours and I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting. It's never been this bad, and I'm afraid it's only going to get worse if I stay in this relationship. Now that that's all been said, I'll explain as best I can why I see the fights we have as "nothing fights." We had a particularly bad one today, so I'll use that as an example. K was just in a bad mood in general today and she was trying to turn literally everything into a fight for whatever reason, so I did my best to be understanding and not say or do anything to incense her further. At one point, I mentioned that I wanted to clean a part of our kitchen floor where some candle wax had been spilled and dried, and she told me she didn't want to do it because she thought it would be difficult or that it would damage the floor. So, I told her that if she didn't want to help, that was absolutely fine, but I at least want to try and do it myself because I just want to get it done. Later, when we were at the grocery store, she was still trying to squabble about seriously every topic that was brought up (up until that point, I'd simply ignored/deflected it by changing the subject every time she got heated, but it became clear to me that she was just looking for a fight to get involved in). So, I calmly pulled her aside and told her (this is verbatim) "Babe, I know you're having a rough day, but you're trying to fight with me about everything." Then, I politely asked her to stop. Never raised my voice or got confrontational. After I said that, she told me she was upset because I was being "bossy" (and she used the floor cleaning thing from before as an example), and she said she was also mad because I said I'd do it myself if she didn't want to help (she seemed to be under the impression that I was trying to guilt her into helping or something, which wasn't the case at all). After that, she walked away to go find what she needed in the store. I didn't pursue because I figured she needed some time to cool off, so I went and found my own things and then met back up with her at the checkout line. She was still upset, so when we were walking back to my car, I did my best to pacify the situation by apologizing for miscommunicating and being "bossy" or making her feel guilty. I also explained that I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, and I really just wanted to get the floor clean (to the point that I didn't care if I had to do it alone). In all honesty, I don't think I miscommunicated or said anything that could be interpreted as bossy (when I was talking about the floor cleaning initially, I made sure to say in the moment that she didn't have to help, and that was absolutely fine by me). However, I'm still willing to apologize to try and make the situation right and end the fight, so that's what I did. Then I explained that I wasn't mad at her, and since it was a miscommunication, neither of us was at fault. Throughout this entire exchange, I never once blamed her, raised my voice, called her any names, etc. I think I handled the situation with aplomb, because I apologized for any possible miscommuncation, stayed calm and mature the whole time, and I never blamed her for any of it. Now here's the kicker: Her response to me apologizing and saying that it was neither of our faults because miscommunications happen? She disregarded my apology and chose to stay angry at me because of her personal interpretation of what I'd said, even though I'd made it perfectly clear that I did not mean what she was upset about. So, in other words, she's angry about a NON-THING. Something that never actually happened, something that was never actually said. And no amount of clarifying or apologizing on my part will fix it. She wanted a fight, so she manufactured one out of something that literally never happened just for an excuse to be mad at me. And here's the worst part... 90% of our fights are like this. 90% of our fights throughout the relationship have been like this. When she has a cooler head, she even admits she has a problem, but in over two years, I haven't seen ANY improvement in her behavior. I've tried being empathetic, I've tried being forceful and "laying down the law," and I've tried every other approach in between. None of it works, or makes the fights better, or pacifies her in any way when she decides she wants to be mad about it. And I just can't take it anymore. I'm not happy in this relationship, and at the end of the day, I know I deserve a lot better than the way she's treating me. I love her and I will do my absolute best to make her happy and understand her issues, but the bottom line is that I don't deserve to be treated like an emotional punching bag. Nobody does. So, my fellow TLers... Opinions? I promise the way I've described the fight we had today is EXACTLY as it happened. No biases on my part or anything. I've been working really hard lately to improve the way I communicate in heated situations (I didn't always do a good job and I can admit that fully), but today, I really feel like I nailed it and covered all my bases. What do you guys think? | ||
|
farvacola
United States18857 Posts
| ||
|
Grumbels
Netherlands7031 Posts
i.e. maybe you can find out her deeper reasons for being moody? And if you find one, maybe that's a step towards seeing if there's a solution, since you won't find one bickering over who was right in one specific instance. I used to think that: I was convinced I was right about some issue, and that someone else was acting irrationally, so I would try to utterly insist on explaining why specifically she was wrong so that she would come to understand and accept the fact of her irrational behavior. And this could be a first step to moving on. But I don't think it works like this though. | ||
|
RaiZ
2813 Posts
| ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
Also, regarding the deeper source of her issues... unfortunately, I'm pretty sure her issues come from a troubled upbringing and bad past relationships (both things that again, she admits when she's cooler-headed, but conveniently everything is my fault when she's mad). I guess the real issue is that she realizes she has a problem and admits that a lot of it comes from things that aren't my fault, but when we fight, all of that goes out the window because she needs to find someone to blame in the moment. That's what I'm most sick of, and I've told her that multiple times (both as gently as I could and bluntly). I just don't think she realizes how truly close she is to pushing me away for good. | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
On July 25 2014 10:05 RaiZ wrote: Serisouly wtf man ? For something you're willing to do yourself you have absolutely no reasons to apologise for this. For me it seems clear that she'd just being a bitch and need someone to told her perfectly clearly that sometimes she'd wrong. Either that or she's just trying to fight with you all the time so you can dump her. Grow some balls. Sure not being in a relationship sucks but from the way you're describing it it feels like you want to be in a worst situation. I have plenty of balls. I've spent the majority of this relationship being perfectly blunt when she's wrong, but that never works. Just makes the fights worse. So, it's basically a no win situation for me. | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
| ||
|
GreenHorizons
United States23930 Posts
On July 25 2014 10:06 iamahydralisk wrote: The thing is, she flat out admits that she's irrational when we get into fights (she admits it after the fact). So she knows there's a problem, but that doesn't stop her from trying to make everything my fault when she's mad about something. Also, regarding the deeper source of her issues... unfortunately, I'm pretty sure her issues come from a troubled upbringing and bad past relationships (both things that again, she admits when she's cooler-headed, but conveniently everything is my fault when she's mad). I guess the real issue is that she realizes she has a problem and admits that a lot of it comes from things that aren't my fault, but when we fight, all of that goes out the window because she needs to find someone to blame in the moment. That's what I'm most sick of, and I've told her that multiple times (both as gently as I could and bluntly). I just don't think she realizes how truly close she is to pushing me away for good. Well your last part seems to say it all. She knows what she is doing, she knows she is wrong, she knows she is still doing it despite your best efforts to curtail it. Rather than breaking up with her for what will seem like no reason, tell her. Tell her you don't want to be in a relationship where you are constantly fighting. You both know what is happening and either she gets better or your gone. You may want to start noting on your phone or something each time you guys are fighting to show her just how often it is and just how pointless (also why it's not your fault). Even she will at least subconsciously understand that no one would want a relationship like that. Couple side notes: This type of behaviour is common in both girls who are trying to break up but don't want to have to do it themselves (guys do this too) and in girls with troubled upbringings who have a hard time feeling like they love someone enough to never want to lose them, so they push them away before they get too close. Based on the length of your relationship if it isn't just her being human (damaged in some way) I'd say it would be the former. If she is human (damaged) than it's like any other human, she will only change if SHE wants to change if not she'll be looking for another guy to put up with it. | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
On July 25 2014 10:20 GreenHorizons wrote: Well your last part seems to say it all. She knows what she is doing, she knows she is wrong, she knows she is still doing it despite your best efforts to curtail it. Rather than breaking up with her for what will seem like no reason, tell her. Tell her you don't want to be in a relationship where you are constantly fighting. You both know what is happening and either she gets better or your gone. You may want to start noting on your phone or something each time you guys are fighting to show her just how often it is and just how pointless (also why it's not your fault). Even she will at least subconsciously understand that no one would want a relationship like that. Couple side notes: This type of behaviour is common in both girls who are trying to break up but don't want to have to do it themselves (guys do this too) and in girls with troubled upbringings who have a hard time feeling like they love someone enough to never want to lose them, so they push them away before they get too close. Based on the length of your relationship if it isn't just her being human (damaged in some way) I'd say it would be the former. If she is human (damaged) than it's like any other human, she will only change if SHE wants to change if not she'll be looking for another guy to put up with it. I agree with pretty much everything you said. I already sat down with her a few days ago and bluntly told her that I'm nearing the end of my rope and that I won't deal with the stupid drama anymore. She agreed with everything I said then in the moment and I actually felt like I got through to her for once, but today's events seem to suggest that nothing has actually changed. | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
| ||
|
Belisarius
Australia6233 Posts
If the "end of my rope" conversation still danced around the fact that she's about to lose you, I think you need to have that conversation again asap and make that crystal clear. If you feel you got/get through to her, then I think you just have to start calling her out on it and reminding her of what she acknowledged. If in-the-moment isn't going to be a useful time to broach it, keep a record and show her the next time you think she'll be receptive, as someone else suggested. Give her a few cycles to get the idea that either she changes, or you leave, and if she still can't change... leave. It sounds like you're thinking about it with a pretty level head. | ||
|
r.Evo
Germany14080 Posts
On July 25 2014 10:34 iamahydralisk wrote: Sorry for moar post, but to add a little more detail... I'm having such a hard time because she really is a good woman. She's very caring and loyal, and I fully believe she would never ever cheat on me (my last girlfriend did and it was pretty devastating). Honestly though... I just don't think K is ready for a serious relationship. She still has so many issues from previous relationships, and her inability to handle conflict strikes me as primarily a maturity issue... and I think 2 years is a long time to wait for someone to show even a little bit of improvement. From the sound of it it very well might be that you're not consistent enough and/or don't provide a strong enough framework for her to grow in. Given all the history you have I believe you handled this portion very wrong: (when I was talking about the floor cleaning initially, I made sure to say in the moment that she didn't have to help, and that was absolutely fine by me). However, I'm still willing to apologize to try and make the situation right and end the fight, so that's what I did. Then I explained that I wasn't mad at her, and since it was a miscommunication, neither of us was at fault. Throughout this entire exchange, I never once blamed her, raised my voice, called her any names, etc. I think I handled the situation with aplomb, because I apologized for any possible miscommuncation, stayed calm and mature the whole time, and I never blamed her for any of it. With all that background that get's clarified once. "I said 'If you don't wanna help I'll do it alone' and that is exactly what I meant. Not more, not less. We cool?" - I would not apologize for her possibly misunderstanding or misinterpreting what I said. I wouldn't even let it come to some form of exchange. That shit gets said, topic done. If she keeps arguing either repeat what it meant and that if she tries to keep going at this you're done for today (and actually walk off) or escalate further in the sense of "So you're actually trying to argue that what I said meant something else because you wanted it to? Stop being stupid, you're being a bitch for no reason." but also with the firm intent to walk away from the whole exchange if she keeps at it. Now here's the kicker: Her response to me apologizing and saying that it was neither of our faults because miscommunications happen? "Yup they do. So what about taking my word after I clarify the misunderstanding instead of getting all up my ass? This isn't about a miscommunication, this is about you making a huge fucking deal out if it after I made clear what I meant. Drop it." She wanted a fight, so she manufactured one out of something that literally never happened just for an excuse to be mad at me. Probably right. You have two courses of action. a) Give it to her and stick to your guns. b) Completely ignore it and laugh at her for it. Be ready for an explosion, be ready to walk it off and be ready for her to apologize later for it. Done consistently such a line is highly likely to improve her behavior but the question you need to ask yourself is whether she's worth it and whether you want to deal with that, especially considering your own personal well-being. Considering your last paragraph you're already about to end it. You know that better than we do. I'm just trying to give you some food for thought about what your side maybe could have done different about this. In general I think the whole "I tried all kinds of different approaches" is the wrong idea, especially when it's about comparatively random drama like this. | ||
|
chadissilent
Canada1187 Posts
| ||
|
lantz
United States762 Posts
| ||
dravernor
Netherlands6192 Posts
On July 26 2014 01:00 lantz wrote: I'm not pregnant. Woot! Congratulations! | ||
| ||
