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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
I'm dating a girl for a couple of weeks now, we had a few beers and talked a lot. I really like her, keep thinking about her basically every time and for now I think I made all the right moves. I've been single for 6 years almost (I'm 28) after my last relationship that was a disaster.
The problem is that after that relationship I have developed a kind of fear and insecurity sexually speaking that kept me from dating other girls. But this girl is really attracting me and I'm pretty confident I can overcome my damn insecurities.
So here is my plan: today I'll invite her to dinner with me, and then cinema or maybe a walk or a beer somewhere I don't know I will improvise on this. Then I want to try to kiss her. God I have to do it. Now or never!!!
Possible bad scenarios:
1) Today she's already busy. Solution: I'll ask her for tomorrow and so on..
2) I will not have the balls to kiss her. Solution: Fuck me I'm a coward and I ruined my best chance
3) She'll reject me. Solution: God hates me.
Now it's time to keep myself calm, collect my energies and think positive that life is good. GL HF to me.
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Repost from reddit that I found to be a very good view on dating and life as whole:
+ Show Spoiler +
mylittlehokage 217 points 8 hours ago
I'm going to give you some advice. You're just beginning your journey as a young man in the dating world and you've got a huge amount of life out there waiting for you.
This is something that, in my opinion, most people don't understand. You need to understand the significance of existing on this earth. You're a ball of space dust that happened to stick together, you're both completely, insignificantly small, and incredibly huge and important at the same time. We all are.
Everything that happens in this life is by chance. I won't say that chance is destiny, or that it's inherently good or bad, but it's all chance. We're dealt cards throughout life, and how we use them decides if we win the game. Sometimes people say there is no "winning" in life, but they're wrong.
The only thing that matters, at all, in this whole huge universe, is if you're happy. Not just okay, not just content, but happy. At peace in your heart and comfortable with your life. Most people don't reach this.
A large part of it involves living every moment of your life to the fullest extent, to try and find happiness in every moment, and to not let a second, not one second pass where you aren't doing what makes you happy. You'll not always reach this mark, but the harder you try to not just be alive but to live, to live in every moment of every day, the happier you'll be.
If you center your life around this, if you believe that you've got another amazing, wonderful moment around each corner, and if you never stop trying to improve your life, you'll find something truly magical.
This is a very, very hard thing to do. You'll get crushed, broken, and cast aside a seemingly insurmountable amount of times. But it's worth it. It's worth it because success means you can lie on your deathbed and not look back with regret, but with joy. Because you've lived every fucking moment you could've. You shed tears not for what you haven't done, but because you've got such wonderful memories, and your journey, your time to get to experience each moment, is over.
It's both terribly sad and incredibly uplifting, life is a river, you're on a set course, but you can move within the current, move with it, and look with wonder at every moment that passes you by. Because that's whats important.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why the hell I'm writing this in a thread asking for dating advice. Here's why.
Every moment you live passes you by in an instant. You're still in high school, and it probably feels pretty slow. Let me tell you, you're about to hit real life, and it's gonna ramp up like hell. This is an important concept to grasp. Because dating is different in the "real world" than it is now. Later, you'll see a pretty girl at a coffee shop, in a class, etc, and your window is a lot smaller, the stakes a lot higher, and your chances a lot lower.
Because if you realize that life is flying by you, that you're going to wind up cold and alone, and that the only thing that matters is if you enjoy the fucking ride, you'll realize that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, the only thing that matters is if you make a great moment for yourself.
So you talk to the girl. You don't try and "vet" her first, like you're running her for political canidacy, you don't try and meet her through a mutual friend, you walk up to her, as a man and as she a woman, and you smile, and you introduce yourself. And you see her for her, and all the wonderful things she represents, and you focus not on how you present yourself, but on finding out more about her, what she likes, who she is.
Because you're never going to meet her again. Ever. You've got one chance to meet someone wonderful, more people will come along, more chances, but never with her. You'll move along the river while she stands on the shoreline. And every pretty girl you see, every one you meet, has the potential to be someone truly, perfectly special in your life. She could be someone so perfect for you, so wonderful and amazing that you're never the same again. Or she could not be. But the only way to know, is to speak to her.
If she's not for you, you're in the same position you were before, and you can look to the next pretty girl you see, smile, and introduce yourself. Because you've no "what ifs," no regrets. Rejection is hard, but when you realize all that life has to offer, it's not rejection, its just life. And that's okay.
So, I guess if I'm to give real "advice," its recognize why you're alive, and what makes you happy. Also shower and exercise, because those things matter. That's pretty much it. That's the big secret to dating, and to happiness. Be you, live life to experience every moment, and find out who and what you really are. And if, in this moment, you want to go talk to that girl, walk up to her and do it. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, and it can be a waste of your time, but at least you're a man, and at least you tried.
TL;DR: Talk to her. It seems complex, but she's a person, maybe good, maybe not. Just talk to her.
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On March 20 2014 00:52 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Just had this one happen.
The gf wants to have breakfast at the mels diner near my house. I say id rather not but if you want to lets go. I didn't want to go because I used to date some of the waitresses that work there. We arrive and of course two of the girls I used to date are working and one of them gets assigned to my table -_-; the whole time im making my order the waitress is trying to mess with me by putting her hand on my shoulder, rubbing the back of my neck, etc in an effort trying to piss my off gf. At the end When im done paying for meal the waitress says she put something in her food and im just like FML. I finally tell my gf this is why I didn't want to eat here even though she insisted on eating here. My gf seems understanding about it but i dunno if a week from no shes going to use his against me or not XD
And why on earth did you not just tell her that you don't want to go to the diner because your ex-gf works there and you think she'll be jealous, making the whole diner experience unpleasant? that way she can decide whether she wants this rather awkward sounding experience upfront, rather than you telling her afterwards that the reason you didn't want to go was because your ex worked there...
Seriously, honest communication would solve about 99% of the issues in this thread. :p
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On April 02 2014 19:13 TOCHMY wrote:Repost from reddit that I found to be a very good view on dating and life as whole: + Show Spoiler +
mylittlehokage 217 points 8 hours ago
I'm going to give you some advice. You're just beginning your journey as a young man in the dating world and you've got a huge amount of life out there waiting for you.
This is something that, in my opinion, most people don't understand. You need to understand the significance of existing on this earth. You're a ball of space dust that happened to stick together, you're both completely, insignificantly small, and incredibly huge and important at the same time. We all are.
Everything that happens in this life is by chance. I won't say that chance is destiny, or that it's inherently good or bad, but it's all chance. We're dealt cards throughout life, and how we use them decides if we win the game. Sometimes people say there is no "winning" in life, but they're wrong.
The only thing that matters, at all, in this whole huge universe, is if you're happy. Not just okay, not just content, but happy. At peace in your heart and comfortable with your life. Most people don't reach this.
A large part of it involves living every moment of your life to the fullest extent, to try and find happiness in every moment, and to not let a second, not one second pass where you aren't doing what makes you happy. You'll not always reach this mark, but the harder you try to not just be alive but to live, to live in every moment of every day, the happier you'll be.
If you center your life around this, if you believe that you've got another amazing, wonderful moment around each corner, and if you never stop trying to improve your life, you'll find something truly magical.
This is a very, very hard thing to do. You'll get crushed, broken, and cast aside a seemingly insurmountable amount of times. But it's worth it. It's worth it because success means you can lie on your deathbed and not look back with regret, but with joy. Because you've lived every fucking moment you could've. You shed tears not for what you haven't done, but because you've got such wonderful memories, and your journey, your time to get to experience each moment, is over.
It's both terribly sad and incredibly uplifting, life is a river, you're on a set course, but you can move within the current, move with it, and look with wonder at every moment that passes you by. Because that's whats important.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why the hell I'm writing this in a thread asking for dating advice. Here's why.
Every moment you live passes you by in an instant. You're still in high school, and it probably feels pretty slow. Let me tell you, you're about to hit real life, and it's gonna ramp up like hell. This is an important concept to grasp. Because dating is different in the "real world" than it is now. Later, you'll see a pretty girl at a coffee shop, in a class, etc, and your window is a lot smaller, the stakes a lot higher, and your chances a lot lower.
Because if you realize that life is flying by you, that you're going to wind up cold and alone, and that the only thing that matters is if you enjoy the fucking ride, you'll realize that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, the only thing that matters is if you make a great moment for yourself.
So you talk to the girl. You don't try and "vet" her first, like you're running her for political canidacy, you don't try and meet her through a mutual friend, you walk up to her, as a man and as she a woman, and you smile, and you introduce yourself. And you see her for her, and all the wonderful things she represents, and you focus not on how you present yourself, but on finding out more about her, what she likes, who she is.
Because you're never going to meet her again. Ever. You've got one chance to meet someone wonderful, more people will come along, more chances, but never with her. You'll move along the river while she stands on the shoreline. And every pretty girl you see, every one you meet, has the potential to be someone truly, perfectly special in your life. She could be someone so perfect for you, so wonderful and amazing that you're never the same again. Or she could not be. But the only way to know, is to speak to her.
If she's not for you, you're in the same position you were before, and you can look to the next pretty girl you see, smile, and introduce yourself. Because you've no "what ifs," no regrets. Rejection is hard, but when you realize all that life has to offer, it's not rejection, its just life. And that's okay.
So, I guess if I'm to give real "advice," its recognize why you're alive, and what makes you happy. Also shower and exercise, because those things matter. That's pretty much it. That's the big secret to dating, and to happiness. Be you, live life to experience every moment, and find out who and what you really are. And if, in this moment, you want to go talk to that girl, walk up to her and do it. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, and it can be a waste of your time, but at least you're a man, and at least you tried.
TL;DR: Talk to her. It seems complex, but she's a person, maybe good, maybe not. Just talk to her.
This is the ultimate mindset for dating in a nutshell. Doesn't give any concrete advice on how to do it but rather a baseline on how to structure your interactions and enjoy them. Very well written.
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It has been asked before, but went on unanswered, so I resurrect the question, because I find it interesting: what do you do, when your mind just suddenly switches off, and you just can't say anything, which results in an awkward silence? It's fine in a friendly conversation, you can even stay silent for minutes, and break it when one of you has something to say, but on a date, it can make you panick. You want your date entertained, but you can't even say "dog food", because you have absolutely nothing on your mind.
On April 02 2014 18:39 finkelboy wrote:
I'm dating a girl for a couple of weeks now, we had a few beers and talked a lot. I really like her, keep thinking about her basically every time and for now I think I made all the right moves. I've been single for 6 years almost (I'm 28) after my last relationship that was a disaster.
The problem is that after that relationship I have developed a kind of fear and insecurity sexually speaking that kept me from dating other girls. But this girl is really attracting me and I'm pretty confident I can overcome my damn insecurities.
So here is my plan: today I'll invite her to dinner with me, and then cinema or maybe a walk or a beer somewhere I don't know I will improvise on this. Then I want to try to kiss her. God I have to do it. Now or never!!!
Possible bad scenarios:
1) Today she's already busy. Solution: I'll ask her for tomorrow and so on..
2) I will not have the balls to kiss her. Solution: Fuck me I'm a coward and I ruined my best chance
3) She'll reject me. Solution: God hates me.
Now it's time to keep myself calm, collect my energies and think positive that life is good. GL HF to me.
2) It's not necessarily your best chance. I mean, if she keeps going on dates with you, she most probably liked what she experienced with you so far, and I think a date going well but not ending it with a kiss is still better, than a date going bad and still going for it. Your plan sounds romantic enough, so I can see why you want to go for it, but I'm pretty sure she'll give you other chances in case you can't muster up the courage (or the situation just doesn't come). Anyway, keep us updated, I need the positive stories to boost my own confidence! 
Also, shouldn't girls suggest in one way or another that you should, or at least can kiss them? A look, a touch, anything that just signals "NOW!" to you.
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Get comfortable with silences. As long as you're comfortable it should be alright. If not, come up with a bunch of time-killing games to fill them?
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On April 03 2014 02:21 Volband wrote:It has been asked before, but went on unanswered, so I resurrect the question, because I find it interesting: what do you do, when your mind just suddenly switches off, and you just can't say anything, which results in an awkward silence? It's fine in a friendly conversation, you can even stay silent for minutes, and break it when one of you has something to say, but on a date, it can make you panick. You want your date entertained, but you can't even say "dog food", because you have absolutely nothing on your mind. Show nested quote +On April 02 2014 18:39 finkelboy wrote:
I'm dating a girl for a couple of weeks now, we had a few beers and talked a lot. I really like her, keep thinking about her basically every time and for now I think I made all the right moves. I've been single for 6 years almost (I'm 28) after my last relationship that was a disaster.
The problem is that after that relationship I have developed a kind of fear and insecurity sexually speaking that kept me from dating other girls. But this girl is really attracting me and I'm pretty confident I can overcome my damn insecurities.
So here is my plan: today I'll invite her to dinner with me, and then cinema or maybe a walk or a beer somewhere I don't know I will improvise on this. Then I want to try to kiss her. God I have to do it. Now or never!!!
Possible bad scenarios:
1) Today she's already busy. Solution: I'll ask her for tomorrow and so on..
2) I will not have the balls to kiss her. Solution: Fuck me I'm a coward and I ruined my best chance
3) She'll reject me. Solution: God hates me.
Now it's time to keep myself calm, collect my energies and think positive that life is good. GL HF to me. 2) It's not necessarily your best chance. I mean, if she keeps going on dates with you, she most probably liked what she experienced with you so far, and I think a date going well but not ending it with a kiss is still better, than a date going bad and still going for it. Your plan sounds romantic enough, so I can see why you want to go for it, but I'm pretty sure she'll give you other chances in case you can't muster up the courage (or the situation just doesn't come). Anyway, keep us updated, I need the positive stories to boost my own confidence! Also, shouldn't girls suggest in one way or another that you should, or at least can kiss them? A look, a touch, anything that just signals "NOW!" to you.
Sometimes they'll make it obvious, put their face really close to yours when they talk usually thats the most obvious, thats when you just go for it and make them shut up mid sentence tbh.
For me unless she kissed me first unexpectedly, she'll always be like looking into your eyes and then for me i always get an overpowering urge(call it instinct?) to just do it and things go from there.
If you've already been going out then like the poster above said she likes what she see's, maybe go watch a romantic movie and go for it there, or do it before you take her home or something. Main thing is don't be scared, worst she can do is say no tbh.
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Okay, seriously I am kinda puzzled. She was surprised when I asked her out for thursday - after one week where we had lots of fun together at work - but agreed and gave me her number + said that I should give her a call so that she has my number (missed that because we were at work and I had lots of stuff to do). But I promised to text her in the next two days for further details... That was on Monday.
The plan was to meet her to go skating (her suggestion). This morning I wrote a short message about the time but guess what? No response. Maybe, just maybe I made a mistake when I was typing her number into my phone (should have called her instantly to see if it´s correct) and the message went to the wrong person... although that´s unlikely.
Apart from that, why oh why would she give me her number, tell me to give her a call just to ignore it? Is she playing some sort of a stupid game?
Things like these annoy me like hell. >:-( ... If she´s not interested or was taken by surprise why couldn´t she just say sth like "No, I´m sorry".
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Give her some time. Half a day of no response doesn't have to be a big deal.
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On March 20 2014 17:46 Grumbels wrote:
Who even remembers those dates of first meeting or becoming exclusive?
Don't remember first meeting, but in absense of a wedding anniversary, we sorta celebrate the day we realized we were in a relationship and not just dating.
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with regards to kissing, i just go for it at the end of a date. you might be surprised. worst case scenario she'll turn her cheek or say no. in that case the important thing is dont freak out and act embarrassed, just thank her for a good night. remember you actually made a move instead of living life in fear and taking no action.
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Short Version:
Her [8.00]: Gooooood Morning, [...] 3pm? Sounds fine, where shall we meet?
Me [10.30]: Hey hey, 3pm @ the trainstation. Make sure that the weather is fine!
Her [12.00]: I did my best but the weather is really not that good, would you be angry if we meet next week instead  ?
So ... this is basically over before it even began. I guess?
How would you react?
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On April 03 2014 19:32 JoeCool wrote:Short Version: Her [8.00]: Gooooood Morning, [...] 3pm? Sounds fine, where shall we meet? Me [10.30]: Hey hey, 3pm @ the trainstation. Make sure that the weather is fine! Her [12.00]: I did my best but the weather is really not that good, would you be angry if we meet next week instead ? So ... this is basically over before it even began. I guess? How would you react?
Maybe ask her out for something indoors? Like going to the cinema or something else?
And it is not over until she says so. You can agree to the meeting next week and see how it goes instead of seing things negatively before it even started.
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On April 03 2014 19:32 JoeCool wrote:Short Version: Her [8.00]: Gooooood Morning, [...] 3pm? Sounds fine, where shall we meet? Me [10.30]: Hey hey, 3pm @ the trainstation. Make sure that the weather is fine! Her [12.00]: I did my best but the weather is really not that good, would you be angry if we meet next week instead ? So ... this is basically over before it even began. I guess? How would you react?
Do not back down so quickly. If you want to see her despite the weather make a new proposal saying you might be busy next week. If she still says no or whatever do not ever show an emotional reaction and just show that you are cool with it.
edit: btw wtf is make sure the weather is fine. talk normally
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Thank you guys!
Since I got lots of stuff to do I´ll just use the afternoon - weather really sucks - to work for university.
I wrote her that I´m fine with it or rather that it´s no problem.
Edit:
I am speechless, just received another message from her where she told me that she declined because one of her (fem.) friends supposed that I have some sort of bet going on with one of my colleagues. O_o Apparantly he asked her out too...
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Ask her coworker out instead. Seems like she needs some male anntention badly
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Say it isn't true and that your current date proposition is "take it or leave it", no games.
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On April 03 2014 20:18 aTnClouD wrote:
edit: btw wtf is make sure the weather is fine. talk normally
LOL. Isn't it... cute? I suppose he was just trying to keep a happy mood between their conversation, because only saying "at x hours x mins, at the place" is kinda dire.
Such silliness backfires with women?
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On April 04 2014 02:41 rezoacken wrote:
Say it isn't true and that your current date proposition is "take it or leave it", no games.
That´s exactly what I did^^
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On April 03 2014 20:48 JoeCool wrote:
Thank you guys!
Since I got lots of stuff to do I´ll just use the afternoon - weather really sucks - to work for university.
I wrote her that I´m fine with it or rather that it´s no problem.
Edit:
I am speechless, just received another message from her where she told me that she declined because one of her (fem.) friends supposed that I have some sort of bet going on with one of my colleagues. O_o Apparantly he asked her out too...
you should have persevered... imagine if you had swapped sides with her and you say 'oh it's a bit wet' and she was just like "ok"... you'd feel a tiny bit unwanted?
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EPT
