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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
United States44287 Posts
On March 20 2014 08:54 fishjie wrote:Show nested quote +On March 20 2014 06:11 ComaDose wrote:On March 20 2014 05:59 fishjie wrote:On March 20 2014 04:18 ComaDose wrote:Thinking rape is okay is not all that rape culture is. I thought you would know what it is if you felt so passionately about it. that article doesn't even know what rape culture is making it look stupid with a bunch of rhetoric questions. We live in a rape culture because people are rapists? Men are rapists? Greedy people are rapists? How do we make things better? and the rest of the article is irrelevant quotes making feminists look bad. They must have not noticed that there are songs literally about raping people being sung as bar chants and on the radio all across the country. What songs are there about raping people are on the radio? These are the kind of sensationalist claims feminists make. Yes there is rap music about having sex with lots of girls at the club, but unless you consider having a one night stand with a girl rape, that's not a song about rape being played all over the radio. There are songs about rape, such as Immortal Technique's dance with the devil, however the song shows how awful rape is. Rape culture is offensive to me because it implies that because I'm a guy I condone raping women and do it myself. Wtf?! Rape is committed by a minority and those people are thrown in jail. Rape is so vilified here that men's entire reputations are ruined by false rape claims because their information is leaked by the media and they are presumed guilty off the bat. rapey songs include Blurred Lines, Blame it on the alcohol, Age ain't nothing but a number. And you conveniently ignored what i said about college bar chants. which is a much more obvious example Rape culture is offensive to me because it implies that because I'm a guy I condone raping women and do it myself. you've made it abundantly clear you dont know what it means. you should look it up before you keep gussing. as a hint this is wrong. You listed a bunch of songs that talk about having sex with girls at a club. Like I said, that's not rape, and its an insult to people who have been raped. Second, it doesn't really seem like you know what rape culture means. Its just a nebulous feminist term used to show how men are terrible, but without any real substance to it. But please, provide a good definition instead of saying other people don't get it. This smacks of religious debates with people where theists say, "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THAT BIBLE VERSE" when people point out logical inconsistencies in the bible.
Blurred Lines is about how sometimes when a girl says "no" but you know that she wants it really so you decide for her it can be confusing and the lines between consensual sex and rape can be blurred. That's literally the song, it's about how sometimes it's hard to know when to rape a girl in situations when you think you know best.
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Hmm ok I'll concede on the blurred lines then. I never paid any attention to the lyrics until you brought that up. So then my question is, are men and women equally implicated in this supposed rape culture? Because in the clubs, I've seen women dance happily to blurred lines, sometimes even singing along the lyrics. For a song with such horrible lyrics, wouldn't and shouldn't women be disgusted by it? Because I essentially see a huge double standard. Same thing goes for misogynistic song lyrics. Even self proclaimed feminist girls I've dated are huge fans of eminem, a guy who rapped about murdering his wife. Yet these feminists demonize the men and not the women who are enabling these men to enjoy huge success? Again, just seems dumb.
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United States44287 Posts
On March 20 2014 09:24 fishjie wrote:
Hmm ok I'll concede on the blurred lines then. I never paid any attention to the lyrics until you brought that up. So then my question is, are men and women equally implicated in this supposed rape culture? Because in the clubs, I've seen women dance happily to blurred lines, sometimes even singing along the lyrics. For a song with such horrible lyrics, wouldn't and shouldn't women be disgusted by it? Because I essentially see a huge double standard. Same thing goes for misogynistic song lyrics. Even self proclaimed feminist girls I've dated are huge fans of eminem, a guy who rapped about murdering his wife. Yet these feminists demonize the men and not the women who are enabling these men to enjoy huge success? Again, just seems dumb.
Absolutely, women are just as eager to excuse abuse and blame victims as men are. They actually blamed the intoxicated girl entirely more than men did in the poll I quoted.
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Ok cool, as long as women are held equally accountable in the slut shaming and victim blaming then great. I dislike the double standard and how it is the men that are supposedly the bad guys who are held accountable for promoting a "rape culture" and women are the innocent ones with zero accountability in promoting said "rape culture", which inherently is a sexist attitude
back on topic: do you guys celebrate anniversaries based on the day you first started dating or the day you first "officially" had the talk and became exclusive?
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oh you were just denying rape culture cause you wanted to make sure no one hated on your gender ok
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I don't celebrate any anniversary, which is a relief. I find the ritualization of such things to be quite artificial.
I'm so glad my GF doesn't bother with this. Valentine's day is a hassle, too. Our couple prefers to decide which dates are important, and how we celebrate them. Love is a very personal thing, I think.
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On March 20 2014 09:41 fishjie wrote:
back on topic: do you guys celebrate anniversaries based on the day you first started dating or the day you first "officially" had the talk and became exclusive?
I can't remember either so I let her chose whatever date suits her since I personally don't care.
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I actually never had 'the talk' with my girlfriend - it just seemed natural to introduce her as my girlfriend after a couple of dates. Coming to think of it I've actually never had 'the talk' outside of back in 5.th grade, and I don't think any of my friends have had it either - doesn't seem like a thing we really do in Denmark.
As for celebrating: We met New Years Eve, so it is kind of a given :p I do like to take her out on the day of our first date though - celebrating that we met.
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Who even remembers those dates of first meeting or becoming exclusive?
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One of the advantages of starting a relationship online is that you have lots of timestamps to show you when you first started flirting with someone, when the first Skype call was, etc. :D
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On March 18 2014 03:48 aTnClouD wrote:Show nested quote +On March 18 2014 03:22 Snotling wrote:On March 18 2014 02:16 aTnClouD wrote:On March 17 2014 20:39 Lipko wrote:
I am bit confused and don't know what do to.
There is a girl I know for 2 years. Back in the day I asked her out to a date but she refused as she was in a relationship so we both moved on. Over the years we talked many times and became very good friends (she is the closest friend I ever had so far).
Last Tuesday around 2am she called me, she was crying and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. She woke me up, I was half-asleep and barely remembered anything next morning until she called again and asked me if I remember anything. I remembered something so she explained the whole situation. The same day around midday she called again if I have some free time to have lunch together. I had so we had a lunch together, talked a lot, she was confused and somewhat sad, not a great company at all. After we finished the meal she asked if I can accompany her to her place. I said yes since I had nothing to do that day and her place was just a 5 min walk away. There she asked me if I can go up to her flat, around that time I was getting suspicious she might be up to something. Seeing she in that confused and saddening state, I refused because it just felt wrong at that time. I haven't thought about her as a partner since she refused my date up until this point. Later that day she texted me and asked me out to a movie Wednesday night. I agreed to that and we had an awesome night, she was feeling much better that day. After the movie we went on our way and she didn't ask me to go up to her place.
Since then we talked often, she is feeling better and better as the days go by but she still says she is somewhat mourning his past relationship.
When is it appropriate to ask her out on a date again? I feel somewhat confused about her nowadays, don't really know what to do and starting to think more and more about her as a possible partner. "Seeing she in that confused and saddening state, I refused because it just felt wrong at that time." Like, complete loser thinking. All she wanted was to fuck somebody to feel better and you were not there for her. Get the feminist stuff out of your head, it's all for the better. Btw you know what happened afterwards? She probably called somebody else to fuck her in your place. Also please dont listen to cloud if you value her as a person and not just as a fuck toy. "Not fucking someone = looser" is a realy sad logic for some people "fuck her" is always the right answer........ This kind of mediocre thinking is hurting you guys so much. Consenting to have sex with a girl doesn't make her an object. We are way past the time when we thought sex is bad and casual sex is an offense to women. Wake up.
TLDR: What is the difference between German and Italian guys
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On March 21 2014 00:53 Calanthe wrote:
One of the advantages of starting a relationship online is that you have lots of timestamps to show you when you first started flirting with someone, when the first Skype call was, etc. :D
Whenever I remind a certain someone of "x years to the day since I met you" she thinks it's a bit weird though (though of course we're not seeing each other, but we are close friends). And I have all my MSN chats & WoW chats from conversations with her saved on my computer still.
And I think it's probably possible to pinpoint exactly the moment you met someone these days anyway. Just thinking about how I tend to get in touch with women, it's always class, sports, activities, and those usually have set dates or leave a paper trail.
However, if I would just meet a random person somewhere and would decide to go on a date with her I can't imagine memorizing those details. The reason I know various important moments for the person in the first paragraph was because I was obsessed with her and I kept all sorts of detailed information on her, since I was very young and she was the first girl to ever talk to me, even though it was just online chat. (+ I have good memory) But nowadays my attitude is to completely not care and not expect anything and then see where things go, so it's not conductive to obsession from an early stage. (only from a later stage! )
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Okay, question for those knowledgeable about the Japanese dating scene:
I see all of these articles talking about Japan's horrifically low fertility rates, social problems relating to getting dudes out of the basement onto the dating scene, bad work culture contributing to a lack of dating, etc. Is the ultimate problem just that there aren't enough dudes out there dating? Are the girls to blame, too? For the guys that do go out, is dating like shooting fish in a barrel?
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I remember seeing a documentary that talked about it. It was like they are just uninterested in it because the society puts way too much emphasis on career and they consider dating a waste of time in that regard.
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Could we take the "rapeculture" discussion to another thread and continue with the topic of this one?
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On March 20 2014 17:12 Ghostcom wrote:
I actually never had 'the talk' with my girlfriend - it just seemed natural to introduce her as my girlfriend after a couple of dates. Coming to think of it I've actually never had 'the talk' outside of back in 5.th grade, and I don't think any of my friends have had it either - doesn't seem like a thing we really do in Denmark.
As for celebrating: We met New Years Eve, so it is kind of a given :p I do like to take her out on the day of our first date though - celebrating that we met.
Hmm in america though, esp with online dating, it is common for both parties to be dating multiple people at the same time, sometimes even sleeping with multiple people at the start of the relationship, before it becomes exclusive. it can get kind of messy, so the whole anniversary thing is confusing to me. wanted to see what the general consensus was.
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On March 21 2014 03:45 fishjie wrote:Show nested quote +On March 20 2014 17:12 Ghostcom wrote:
I actually never had 'the talk' with my girlfriend - it just seemed natural to introduce her as my girlfriend after a couple of dates. Coming to think of it I've actually never had 'the talk' outside of back in 5.th grade, and I don't think any of my friends have had it either - doesn't seem like a thing we really do in Denmark.
As for celebrating: We met New Years Eve, so it is kind of a given :p I do like to take her out on the day of our first date though - celebrating that we met. Hmm in america though, esp with online dating, it is common for both parties to be dating multiple people at the same time, sometimes even sleeping with multiple people at the start of the relationship, before it becomes exclusive. it can get kind of messy, so the whole anniversary thing is confusing to me. wanted to see what the general consensus was.
I haven't gotten the sense that it's materially different in European countries -- the UK in particular (which may be more extreme than the US).
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On March 21 2014 02:26 xDaunt wrote:
Okay, question for those knowledgeable about the Japanese dating scene:
I see all of these articles talking about Japan's horrifically low fertility rates, social problems relating to getting dudes out of the basement onto the dating scene, bad work culture contributing to a lack of dating, etc. Is the ultimate problem just that there aren't enough dudes out there dating? Are the girls to blame, too? For the guys that do go out, is dating like shooting fish in a barrel?
From a few documentary on the issue I've seen there seems to be multiple elements at play:
1. It's a modern country allowing women and men to have a carreer and putting a lot of emphasis on it.
2. Despite 1., mentalities concerning dating and having a family haven't caught up. The woman is still expected to take care of the house etc. And casual dating, screwing around, isn't on par to western countries so they only see it as something taking way too much time and energy. This makes some women and some men disinterested in getting a relationships.
3. You have a whole industry of relationship surrogates and other substitutes that feed on the problem. Problem is, some are satisfied with it creating a vicious circle.
Someone living there may confirm or deny these  But to me it always seemed like a country that economically became quickly similar to western countries but without the same mentalities which seem to be "older" and more conservative.
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On March 21 2014 02:26 xDaunt wrote:
Okay, question for those knowledgeable about the Japanese dating scene:
I see all of these articles talking about Japan's horrifically low fertility rates, social problems relating to getting dudes out of the basement onto the dating scene, bad work culture contributing to a lack of dating, etc. Is the ultimate problem just that there aren't enough dudes out there dating? Are the girls to blame, too? For the guys that do go out, is dating like shooting fish in a barrel?
The image that certain recent articles articles draw is wildly exaggerated. I'd be very sceptical of all the things that are reported. Not only does there seem to be a tendency and affinity to portray Japan as exotic, weird, different and incomprehensible, a lot of the stuff is just plain wrong. Ordinary facts unfortunately don't make for interesting news articles. Furthermore, all those opinion polls don't really look trustworthy to me. Even after a year in Japan I found it very hard to judge what my Japanese colleagues actually were thinking. In general, there is a distinction between your actual opinion (honne) and the 'facade' (tatemae) that is presented in public.
Some things that come to mind:
1. Women have it tough. Companies assume that they'll marry sometimes in their 20s and then retire to become a good housewife, as was tradition for a long time. So oftentimes they only get stupid office jobs to keep them occupied until they get married. After that, they are often let go. So marriage can be a death sentence to the career of a woman. On the other hand, if you are approaching your 30s and are still not married, then you suddenly aren't desirable anymore.
2. Typical salarymen also have it tough. Work your ass off by putting in crazy hours for mediocre pay. If you work until 10 or 11 pm every weekday and then still have a long train ride home, there isn't really a lot of time left to fool around.
3. Don't confuse the dating game&fooling around with fertility rate. Japan doesn't have all that religious stigma attached to sex like the western world. There is definitely a lot of fooling around going on.
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On March 21 2014 02:26 xDaunt wrote:
Okay, question for those knowledgeable about the Japanese dating scene:
I see all of these articles talking about Japan's horrifically low fertility rates, social problems relating to getting dudes out of the basement onto the dating scene, bad work culture contributing to a lack of dating, etc. Is the ultimate problem just that there aren't enough dudes out there dating? Are the girls to blame, too? For the guys that do go out, is dating like shooting fish in a barrel?
If these things are true I'm moving to Japan.
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