We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating.
I agree with both rezoacken and twofish's observations on Japan. The media wants to show the oddities of any exotic country. In case of Japan, yes, these things you hear about probably *exist*, but will often be just as unknown and odd to an average Japanese person too.
To xDaunt's question: "Is the ultimate problem just that there aren't enough dudes out there dating? Are the girls to blame, too?"
Not the "ultimate" problem, but yes, and yes. Now, I don't want to generalize, girls in Japan are like girls everywhere else, you'll find that they are individuals and come in all kinds. However, one thing to note is that there is quite a mindset difference between people from Tokyo and the rest of Japan. The kind of stories you mention will mostly be confirmed by my Japanese friends, but usually with a note that that applies only to Tokyo.
And now to generalize a bit from personal observation and talks with friends in Japan - if you compare girls in Japan to e.g. Europe, and then even more so Tokyo to the rest of Japan, there is an apparent obsession with the stuff we (and the rest of Japan) would still call slightly superficial - makeup and shopping. Yes, I'm aware a large number of girls everywhere love it, but in Japan this just goes to a whole new level (I'm sure I saw similar stories from South Korea too in these threads somewhere).
Bottom line is - "such" girls get really annoying really fast, and guys slowly realized that it's not worth the hassle. As a foreigner, you might be fascinated at first, but you'll get tired of it as well. Also, again, non-Tokyo people will often tell you that people in Tokyo cheat left and right, so just be aware of what you might be getting into.
So, some guys there just give up on it and dedicate themselves to a hobby (in college) or a career (after college), and a stable career is still a very big deal in Japan (especially for men, as women are still mostly expected to stop working once they give birth, it's a very traditional country still in that regard).
Other things to note: - Japanese guys often don't speak English well, so they are limited to the girls in Japan (which, if you live in Tokyo, can be a bit disheartening, considering the general outlook on life and relationships there) - the oldest son of the family is expected to inherit the estate (which in Japan implies a huge tax one has to prepare for, by working a lot and piling up money), and take care of the graves, which is why moving around is still not a desired thing to do - as a foreigner in Japan, some girls will want you as their bf as a status symbol, to show you off to her friends... don't know why that's such a big deal but apparently it is, so be aware if you're entering such a relationship - the terms "tatemae" and "honne" which twofish mentioned are very real - don't expect to hear an honest opinion in Japan if there's a chance it might be perceived by you as offensive or negative in any way - avoiding conflict is more important than being honest (this makes for a very pleasant society, but can also cause many frustrations) - going out drinking with someone means you can get away with using "honne" (even if it's your boss ) - from what I gather, the older generations make a distinction between (longterm)love and sex... men would more often be 'forgiven' (or better word would be 'tolerated') for having sex out-of-marriage, because they still come back to their wife in the end... this is a very weird thing to me how it functions, but I'm sure it has to do with men working and women being dependent on them - so it's not that they really have a choice to leave the man... a sad situation really... younger generations are slowly changing this now, but as mentioned, women are still expected by society to get married, give birth, and be at home
If I sound too critical or seem to generalize too much, I apologize. I love Japan and its culture and people, I love Tokyo as a city, but I am aware of many negative things they could fix too. Ideally, we would learn from them and they would learn from us, as both cultures have both good points and bad ones.
I don't fucking understand women This girl (that I've admittedly not met in real life) that lives near where I'm going to college next year made it apparent that she wanted to be a in a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship with me and that she desired my physically about two weeks ago. Now for the past week she has been ignoring half of my texts and really only has responded earnestly to one text where I asked her if I did something wrong
What the fuck. I don't even know what is happening. I assume she has lost interest/found someone else or something but I know women like to play these bullshit little games and I don't want to ask "ok, what did I do?" again because I suspect that is the wrong way to play the game. Any advice is welcome. I know I should follow the rule where you don't send any more texts after the last two go unanswered but...
I am thinking of just forgetting about her until I am actually on campus and can just ask to meet up with her or something, but that's hard because I like her. Aggg
You probably fucked up and texted too much. Sending a text asking if you did something wrong is the worst thing you can do. It accomplishes nothing. Either you did, and you look like a dink, or you didn't and you look like a dink.
She probably found someone else or lost interest, I agree. If not, and if she is playing a dumb game, would you go for that type of girl? From your posts it seems like you would not.
On March 23 2014 13:44 WarSame wrote: You probably fucked up and texted too much. Sending a text asking if you did something wrong is the worst thing you can do. It accomplishes nothing. Either you did, and you look like a dink, or you didn't and you look like a dink.
She probably found someone else or lost interest, I agree. If not, and if she is playing a dumb game, would you go for that type of girl? From your posts it seems like you would not.
Aside from texting I don't know that there is much else I can do considering the distance, but you're probably right. I enjoyed texting her a lot, though, when she was into it. I don't know if I'd hold it against her that she is playing a dumb game. She's a 17 year old girl, and I'm a 17 year old guy. I don't know if I could find many girls that aren't going to play stupid games.
Yeah I agree, that was a bad decision. It just seems so weird that she could change from masturbating while I talk to her to ignoring me in a week without me even doing anything majorly wrong. Whatever, I guess.
I'm cursed. 6 feet 4 inches of pure sex appeal is playing blackjack in my casino and I am trapping inside my poker room and can't get a break to even go talk a bit to her
On March 23 2014 13:40 Chocolate wrote: I don't fucking understand women This girl (that I've admittedly not met in real life) that lives near where I'm going to college next year made it apparent that she wanted to be a in a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship with me and that she desired my physically about two weeks ago. Now for the past week she has been ignoring half of my texts and really only has responded earnestly to one text where I asked her if I did something wrong
What the fuck. I don't even know what is happening. I assume she has lost interest/found someone else or something but I know women like to play these bullshit little games and I don't want to ask "ok, what did I do?" again because I suspect that is the wrong way to play the game. Any advice is welcome. I know I should follow the rule where you don't send any more texts after the last two go unanswered but...
I am thinking of just forgetting about her until I am actually on campus and can just ask to meet up with her or something, but that's hard because I like her. Aggg
Many girls (and guys) between 16 and 24 aren't very serious in their "online dating" behavior. That's why I usually warn younger men when they are trying it. Some girls will just go there to chat to be honest, or to get some attention, or she starts very interested and quickly gets buyer remorse and then just change her mind. Or she starts something and then forget about it. And since a decent looking girl is literally bombarded by male attention on the internet it's just easy for her to really take it lightly.
That being said, the number one rule for all this to actually not happen is to transition as quickly as possible into the real deal, a date in real life. And while doing that it should be clear that you leave her enough room. If you text a lot, speak to her as soon as she connects etc... No matter how much she seems to respond, it's not a good idea. You can appear as creepy and if you keep sending stuff when she isn't available it's even worse. There's a lot of reasons to try to move things quickly out of the web. First it will save you a lot of time, dismissing quickly girls that aren't serious about meeting online. Second, you cut down your investment in the deal. If you get a "NO" after 2 message you'll quickly forget about it whereas if it took you 30 message to reach the same conclusion you'll feel a whole array of emotions that you shouldn't be feeling at this stage ! Third, by sending only a few messages to reach your goal you appear less desperate or less creepy and overall a bit more like a guy that got his shit together having better things to do than sending useless texts. Fourth, it shows some confidence. It shows you know where you're going instead of running in circle having no clue when to make a move.
Usually you'll want to exchange only a little bit of rapport, and then be direct in the fact that you don't want to be her internet friend and desire to meet her in real life to see if things click (public place for the first date etc. etc). You can also make a transition through asking for a phone number first and then ask on the phone instead.
On March 23 2014 13:40 Chocolate wrote: I don't fucking understand women This girl (that I've admittedly not met in real life) that lives near where I'm going to college next year made it apparent that she wanted to be a in a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship with me and that she desired my physically about two weeks ago. Now for the past week she has been ignoring half of my texts and really only has responded earnestly to one text where I asked her if I did something wrong
What the fuck. I don't even know what is happening. I assume she has lost interest/found someone else or something but I know women like to play these bullshit little games and I don't want to ask "ok, what did I do?" again because I suspect that is the wrong way to play the game. Any advice is welcome. I know I should follow the rule where you don't send any more texts after the last two go unanswered but...
I am thinking of just forgetting about her until I am actually on campus and can just ask to meet up with her or something, but that's hard because I like her. Aggg
Many girls (and guys) between 16 and 24 aren't very serious in their "online dating" behavior. That's why I usually warn younger men when they are trying it. Some girls will just go there to chat to be honest, or to get some attention, or she starts very interested and quickly gets buyer remorse and then just change her mind. Or she starts something and then forget about it. And since a decent looking girl is literally bombarded by male attention on the internet it's just easy for her to really take it lightly.
That being said, the number one rule for all this to actually not happen is to transition as quickly as possible into the real deal, a date in real life. And while doing that it should be clear that you leave her enough room. If you text a lot, speak to her as soon as she connects etc... No matter how much she seems to respond, it's not a good idea. You can appear as creepy and if you keep sending stuff when she isn't available it's even worse. There's a lot of reasons to try to move things quickly out of the web. First it will save you a lot of time, dismissing quickly girls that aren't serious about meeting online. Second, you cut down your investment in the deal. If you get a "NO" after 2 message you'll quickly forget about it whereas if it took you 30 message to reach the same conclusion you'll feel a whole array of emotions that you shouldn't be feeling at this stage ! Third, by sending only a few messages to reach your goal you appear less desperate or less creepy and overall a bit more like a guy that got his shit together having better things to do than sending useless texts. Fourth, it shows some confidence. It shows you know where you're going instead of running in circle having no clue when to make a move.
Usually you'll want to exchange only a little bit of rapport, and then be direct in the fact that you don't want to be her internet friend and desire to meet her in real life to see if things click (public place for the first date etc. etc). You can also make a transition through asking for a phone number first and then ask on the phone instead.
I should probably elaborate a little bit. I found her on a penpals website actually, and I thought she looked cute + lived where I am going to university next year so I chatted with her. She really seemed into me at first, asking if I had a girlfriend and stuff, giving me her phone number, sending me pictures of her, being the first to text me almost every day, etc. Last week was her spring break and I texted her quite a bit over the past few weeks, probably a few hundred in total. (which is why I think she hasn't forgot me). I wouldn't do that if she lived near me and I could go meet up with her, but she lives like 3+ hours away, so I don't have many other options.
Come August I will live about 70 min away from her and I'll be able to meet up with her. I don't think she met another dude from that site, at the very least, because she hasn't been on it for about four days and she hasn't added any other people. I am really hoping that she is just busy (she works nights as a hostess + takes college classes) but I think that in reality she could easily make time after she gets home. She's really good looking so... yeah she probably just found someone else. If she doesn't make any effort to contact me I'll just forget about her until I can actually meet up. It feels so bad to look at what she sent me about what she'd like to do with me, one of us visiting each other, etc. and then to realize that she is ignoring me. FDB
The problem with this online-shit is that it makes it extremely easy to be a raging cunt for girls and guys alike.
Then again, I admire your commitment to a purely online relationship whose best prospect is to turn into a long-distance relationship in the distant future. If you don't want to end up like Calanthe and resort to white-knighting in forums in the distant hope some female will be impressed by your total lack of spine, I would suggest to move on sooner rather than later.
In other news, I slept with an older woman for most of this weekend. I didn't ask, but I reckon she is at least ten years older than I am (about 37 or 38). Quite a letdown, to be honest. I always assumed with age come ancient sex secrets only revealed to the post-thirties.
On March 24 2014 06:43 88-Keys wrote: The problem with this online-shit is that it makes it extremely easy to be a raging cunt for girls and guys alike.
Then again, I admire your commitment to a purely online relationship whose best prospect is to turn into a long-distance relationship in the distant future. If you don't want to end up like Calanthe and resort to white-knighting in forums in the distant hope some female will be impressed by your total lack of spine, I would suggest to move on sooner rather than later.
In other news, I slept with an older woman for most of this weekend. I didn't ask, but I reckon she is at least ten years older than I am (about 37 or 38). Quite a letdown, to be honest. I always assumed with age come ancient sex secrets only revealed to the post-thirties.
The way you word it, you're right. God I feel so dumb
On March 24 2014 06:43 88-Keys wrote: The problem with this online-shit is that it makes it extremely easy to be a raging cunt for girls and guys alike.
Then again, I admire your commitment to a purely online relationship whose best prospect is to turn into a long-distance relationship in the distant future. If you don't want to end up like Calanthe and resort to white-knighting in forums in the distant hope some female will be impressed by your total lack of spine, I would suggest to move on sooner rather than later.
In other news, I slept with an older woman for most of this weekend. I didn't ask, but I reckon she is at least ten years older than I am (about 37 or 38). Quite a letdown, to be honest. I always assumed with age come ancient sex secrets only revealed to the post-thirties.
God I feel so dumb
Don't. Just cut your losses and play it cool. And I don't think it's dumb to get strung along for awhile, I'm sure it has happened to every guy at least once.
The silver lining is that she only rejected the online-version of you. It's easier to have an infectious personality offline.
On March 24 2014 06:43 88-Keys wrote: The problem with this online-shit is that it makes it extremely easy to be a raging cunt for girls and guys alike.
Then again, I admire your commitment to a purely online relationship whose best prospect is to turn into a long-distance relationship in the distant future. If you don't want to end up like Calanthe and resort to white-knighting in forums in the distant hope some female will be impressed by your total lack of spine, I would suggest to move on sooner rather than later.
In other news, I slept with an older woman for most of this weekend. I didn't ask, but I reckon she is at least ten years older than I am (about 37 or 38). Quite a letdown, to be honest. I always assumed with age come ancient sex secrets only revealed to the post-thirties.
On March 24 2014 06:43 88-Keys wrote: If you don't want to end up like Calanthe and resort to white-knighting in forums in the distant hope some female will be impressed by your total lack of spine, I would suggest to move on sooner rather than later.
Your snide remark towards Calanthe only makes you look like an idiot.
On March 23 2014 13:40 Chocolate wrote: I don't fucking understand women This girl (that I've admittedly not met in real life) that lives near where I'm going to college next year made it apparent that she wanted to be a in a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship with me and that she desired my physically about two weeks ago. Now for the past week she has been ignoring half of my texts and really only has responded earnestly to one text where I asked her if I did something wrong
What the fuck. I don't even know what is happening. I assume she has lost interest/found someone else or something but I know women like to play these bullshit little games and I don't want to ask "ok, what did I do?" again because I suspect that is the wrong way to play the game. Any advice is welcome. I know I should follow the rule where you don't send any more texts after the last two go unanswered but...
I am thinking of just forgetting about her until I am actually on campus and can just ask to meet up with her or something, but that's hard because I like her. Aggg
Don't assume she's playing games. That's about the worst thing you could say about her assuming that's not what she did and she was just insecure or whatever. Total cluelessness about dating does come with the territory in your age bracket though. If I were you I would just not text her until everyone is no longer emotionally feeling like lashing out, and then meet for coffee if you both feel like it and laugh about the silliness of dating.
EPT
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