The Letting Off Steam Thread - Page 168

Relatively tight election in my district. But unfortunately neither of the top two contenders are me. I'm pretty sure I got one vote in total.

WHY IS IT SO HOT HERE WTFFF. 91 degrees in November =_=

Girls are fucking ridiculous in every way, jeese.

You know what, guys. It's been a strange course of events for me lately. I just got up since I was having some soothing thoughts about myself. My best ideas seem to come only when I'm close to sleeping and am already in bed with my head down on my pillow. Now is one of the few times I had the energy to get up, restart the computer, and write my thoughts down. I'm writing this at 1:28 AM and I need to get up at 6:30 AM. It looks like I'm going to have to drink coffee...I'm also typing super quietly since I'm paranoid the sound of my keyboard buttons tapping will wake my mum.

Lately I've been playing starcraft as an escape ignoring all of my real life responsibilities. The 2nd quarter of the school year has started which means I can't make up any of the homework I hadn't done the last quarter. That sounds refreshing as a new start but I always look into the past and present problems, and as always I let my work pile up. At this point I'm just trying to get by without failing but I think to myself what's the point to getting a good job with a high income? What if I'm fine working at a fast food restaurant or living off of welfare and food stamps in my tiny apartment?

I always think of Suplex who lives that exact life style, but no job, he was an old gaming friend of mine. He was there since my first year of playing StarCraft, my former clan leader. He's pretty disturbed and pompous in reality. It took me a while to figure out but when I think of someone with a failing life that goes nowhere I think of Suplex who always wants to have social contact with others. His clan now is a skpe group. What is wrong with Suplex's life though? What more could Suplex desire: real life friends, money to get food that's not only worth 5 dollars everyday, I don't know. I don't even know if a colon was appropriate to use there.

A joking part of me dreams of becoming a writer one day but I don't have the motivation or aim to do that. I don't even know basic writing mechanics or when it's appropriate to use this absolute phrase or that semi colon, I don't know. Uuuugh.Apparently conjunctions are okay to use to begin sentences? That's new to me.

But again, back to Suplex, he's an interesting guy. I found out new bands and pop music and I learned a lot about internet acronyms like lol and brb from him and others I'd play with. I remember my first days of BW fondly, there were more people back then. I hadn't realized what I had gotten myself into. I think the time I got into StarCraft was the same time I had gotten the first signs of depression. It was a terrible mix since I was able to get in social contact with people online and I slowly eliminated my own wanting to make real...life friends?

Thinking back I never had any friends. None. I still don't. It's tough being me. I still remember this one Korean guy in middle school. He was some exchange student, or maybe he had moved to the US to live here. What ended up happening one day one the soccer field during PE or whatever he had....dropped his glasses and I laughed. I forget. He told me in a sort-of-yelling voice something similar to "You don't LAUGH AT YOUR FRIENDS!" What could've been I wonder, what could've been.

Even now another completely different Korean guy I knew who used to play StarCraft 1 year ago goes to my "workplace." He seemed pretty experienced. When I asked him about it next year he just said he didn't know what StarCraft was. I asked him what club he went to last year, what school he went to, and it was all the same person. I guess his parents beat the crap out of him with their Korean culture ways, lots of yelling and strict punishments and scolding when they do something wrong and then lots of love and endearment saying they shouldn't do the wrongdoing they did before and that they only do it because they love them or something. It's tough to explain the Koreans. It's not unusual though since his parents had him study for the SAT's in middle school...Planning ahead. Looking at him now though he seems pretty smart, confident, all of that. He's got a future.

Yes, it gets sad sometimes. Somehow I was sifted out of the sieve from the rest of the people on earth. It's all saddening. I remember I went to a church with lots of Korean kids. I'm not Korean. I ended up not mixing well, I was sort of like someone they hated. It got physical. It's tough to explain. It was....depressing too since they all spoke Korean pretty proficiently. Typically all Korean households have everyone speaking Korean at home. I've been sort of kind of motivated to learn Korean but I get depressed thinking about how I used to take Spanish as my semi mandatory global language course in school but then I dropped it after I got sent to the hospital which is a different story. That sure would be handy since 90 percent of the time I spend on the computer is watching the Korean starcraft streamers on Afreeca. I could learn so much and I could understand the jokes and humour and....everything. I watch a lot of those live streams where they're eating food and talking to the chatters. sigh.

I remember in my first few years I was delayed heavily in my early years. My fa-ther told me that when I was young I was tested by some psychologist or some random "doctor" who evaluated my skills. According to the account of my pop the psych said I was smart but was very slowed down in language. Then they recommended that I be put in a mental institution. It's harrowing to think I was close to some parent disowning me for not being normal and rotting away pointlessly in some hospital care thing idk. I could've been thrown away like one of those Chinese babies birthed in the public bathrooms right into the toilet who are born out of wedlock. That doesn't sound out of the realm of practical possibility since my parents are both Asian. I'm not Asian. Luckily or not luckily my pop decided to keep me and got me the help I needed.

This was all the way in California too, the state with one of the poorest educations in the United States. Oh god, the amount of budget cuts and the teachers they've had to lay off in the past 10 years is....depressing. Now I'm in a state in the top 5 in best education systems in the entire F'in country. It sure doesn't feel like it though. I feel like I owe a lot to my pop because he decided not to throw me away and rot in a mental hospital. I feel like I need to prove to him somehow that I'm not just trash and I wouldn't be better off being abandoned by my parents who would then treat me like I was never a part of their family, but the way things are going and the number of hours I'm sleeping in class and the number of hours I'm online doing random useless stuff it's....not looking good. Sometimes I think it would've been more relaxing and stress free to be in the mental hospital with 0 education. Ignorance is bliss.

My ma was brutal. Absolutely. I think she's caused some sort of irreparable damage, the type that you'd do to babies and when the babies are all grown up they have this innate sadness they don't know why is there. Oh jesus. There were times when I'd be thrown up and down by my legs with my head banging on the floor each time. Many times I'd get thrown out of the house and told not to come back only to be let in an hour later. Maybe not an hour. I think I'd just cry at the front step begging to be let back in. sigh...Whenever I'd fight with my brother in the car we'd be abandoned by the side of the road until 10 minutes later when they'd drive back. I was making a fuss at the grocery shop one time and my ....rammed it into me. Sigh... There would be times when she'd just yell at me because I did something wrong or something and I didn't feel safe in my own house. There were more traumatic experiences but I can't remember them. It was a fear is the root of respect deal.

The piano lessons....oh. I remember the first piano teacher I had made me play Twinke Twinke Little Star for an entire year before moving onto something else. She evaluated me and determined I was too musically inept that that was the only course of action before I could progress. I remember she rewarded me with PEZ candy from her electronic PEZ dispenser. I was really bad at piano.

There would be times when I wasn't allowed to stop playing piano until I could finish some song by my mum. Then there would be all sorts of corporal punishment. I vaguely remember the piano piece I couldn't finish that night.... I remember a lot of the time when I was making a scene my ma would tell me how I'd like it if the child protective services were called and I'd be taken away from her and pop. My pop was pretty oblivious, always just working. He was that kind of dad not partaking in the actual parenting. My brother and I weren't even planned. We just happened.

The whole grounds of how my parents were married was....terrible. They tell me it now like it's sweet but it's tremendously flawed and it feels unsustainable just looking at it from a distance. My pop has had some genetic flaws that cause him to be delayed socially and it carried off to his offspring. He asked my ma if she would marry her - the first time they had met. Ofc M(ma) was creeped out. Then my pop learning that M was Catholic and a highly religious person, started praying. A matchmaker or wingwoman or whatever who actually started living at my house 3 months ago strangely enough kept on saying to M that she should get together with my pop and that my pop had been praying super hard. Then they married, had some unplanned babies, and that's it. There was no chemistry, no common interests, two different people and all of it was based on having the same religion and on "love at first sight." My ma disciplined my bro pretty hard, so hard that internally he became....disfigured.

There would be times when I'd go to the fridge or whatever and B(bro) would call me fat. Every time I went to the fridge or whatever he'd just comment on the food I was taking out or whatever. You know, sounds cliche and everything but.....everytime man everyday starts to get on your nerves. Yup, comments erryday. A lot of the emotional abuse was layered. Even now I cringe whenever I have food in my hands and I pass by him whenever he comes home. He's at college now though so that's not often. We'd also have violent fights too, not like petty sibling rivalry name calling fights, there would be fights where real valuables were broken, shirts ripped. I remember i dropped his clarinet on the ground and the wood shattered mhm then he did something equally as bad to my musical instrument. Sadness. There would be....lots of wounds inflicted hmmm. It changed me. I'd go into fight or flight mode or whatever sometimes. I grew up to be an anxious person everywhere. I was overweight though and for a long time too. Even my B(bro) was overweight in the first 3-5 years of his life. I remember in my early years my parents would indulge me in McDonalds if I wanted it or to go out eating to restaurants frequently, and I always ate lots of mac and cheese. Now I'm just sick of it....and all dairy products, especially milk....except cheese but I haven't eaten cheese in 3 weeks now. I did eat some ice cream today though. There'd be lots of instant food. I remember my pop would get this brand of instant black bean sauce noodles(highly popular dish in Korea) and it was probably laced with a fuckton of artificial i don't know chemicals, TONS OF SODIUM, and what have you. I ate tons of that too. You know when my M's sister(my aunt) would say not to blame my parents for my weight, it feels strange because I'd always complain and want food and....my parents would just give me food to shut up. I see this terrible parenting practice nowadays whenever I watch all of the popular weight loss shows like "Biggest Loser" and I've become so aware of it. Watching that show started inspiring me to lose weight.

My god, the amount of cheeseburgers I'd get from McDonalds. My pop was....the worst parent, and he still is in MANY ways inept as a father figure which.... I had no father figure but he had his genetic problems that never really prepared him for a life of parenting and responsibility. He does have a high paying job though and he knows how to do taxes so that's two things. Back to the aunt's comment, you know wut, sure maybe i should've restrained myself better on eating food and I should've just eaten less of it but you know it's just common sense for parents to educate and inform and guide kids on what foods are healthy and unhealthy and living a balanced diet and idk. You don't just give them the foods the body will be naturally addicted to and hungry for and say "here, have some more." Maybe it is my fault. I should've known better. It wasn't until 7th grade that I actually learned what a proper diet and exercise routine was.

I did lose a good deal of weight over 7th grade summer break and you know what. Know what the public school I went to was concerned that I had an eating disorder. I went to a religious camp at the time when I had lost my weight. Pretty strange. It was a pretty proselytizing experience for me and I just was brainwashed. I'm not the type to stand for what I believe in and I would by all means not die for them. I remember this one hardcore Christian who by no means is crazy, he'd share these details about how he sinned having sex at a young age and all the messed up things he did and now god was there to help him out. He was probably the most competent person there. The most intense line of questioning he did was when he asked me if I was a true Christiano and if someone were to put a gun next to my head and threaten to shoot my brains out basically asking "would you be willing to die for your religion?" so you know didn't want to be out of the loop and I said yes. I truly thought god was with me. My parents didn't like none of it since Christians aren't Catholics. None of the kids at the Korean Catholic church were serious about the religion. It was a hassle going there. At mass there'd be some African guy with the thickest accent you could imagine talking about random verses and the message you should be taking away from them every Sunday. Never took it seriously but here I was looking at this hardcore Christian whose life revolved around religion and the existence of God. He was...committed. He's intense, so intense that if he were to listen to music that he used to listen to before he converted to a real Christian he'd have suicidal thoughts-things like Eminem, rap, rape, drugs, sex, prostitutes kind of lyrics.

Of course, as one of the adults at the camp said everyone would lose their sense of faith and commitment to spreading the word of Jesus Christ and saving and converting those of other religions after they'd return to their normal school lives outside of the camp. It got me thinking though. I stopped going to the Korean Catholic Church and slowly when I lost my sense of faith I had lost my aim. I drove away a lot of acquaintances talking about Jesus. sigh. It's funny because Catholicism is a branch of Christianity and...tough.....tough.

Again, the weight loss, I lost some weight I wasn't even aware of. It was probably the walking and fun activities and sense of community and friendship I had culminated there at the christian camp. It felt good somehow and my mindset had grown positive and any sort of stress I had had before had dissipated. Thinking about it my....life had revolved around religion but I can't imagine someone's life revolving around academics or religion or just their musical instrument or anything. Now I....I don't know what I'm going to do. so yah when they started to make me eat the food at the cafeteria since I was too lazy to pack my own lunch I grew fat. A lot of my old eating habits had died out since I thought I was just "done" with having and maintaining good eating habits and an exercise routine. I packed the weight and fell into a relapse where I gained even more weight than I had weighed before I went to the Christian camp.

Damn, when I went to highschool on the first day as a freshman, a sophomore, who remembered me from the 8th grade when I was just a 7th grader back in middle school saw me. And the look on his face was of pure and utter disgust when he looked at me moving his head up and down. Not a single word was spoken between us. I just acted like I didn't recognize him. When I noticed my pants and shirts weren't fitting on anymore I wore my older clothes that I wore when I was overweight. Then I outgrew those ones and needed new ones. When the new ones weren't able to fit on anymore I got newer new ones and it only took me less than 1 month to outgrow the new clothes. I had realized I had truly stumped to a new low. It had been literally over a year since I last stepped onto the scale and all of those years of living an incredibly sedentary lifestyle eating prepared foods filled with fats, carbs, and sitting playing StarCraft all day had truly shown. I had gained all of my weight back and more. I remember I stared at myself shirtless for over an hour straight in the mirror. Over an hour. M(ma) was always obnoxious saying how I only ate vegetables and fruits. It's obnoxious and she acts like she supported me but really....

it's been only me this entire way and the crying and pain of all of those incredibly morbidly obese people on that Biggest Loser show and their family members that have been effected. You know I started getting back on the good dietary habits I still remembered and went back to exercising more. It was so painful, I just grew frustrated doing mah sit ups my BIG BELLY. my god was it disgusting and you know what though? I had enjoyed the freedom of feeling thin for the first time for at least a full year since as far back as I can remember. Yet, I always take it for granted, go into my terrible eating habits and gain my weight back. I eventually lost my weight after a while in the midst of school and I had a sense of.....accomplishment for once. I lost all the weight I had gained and was back to the weight I had before. My dentist mentioned that it looked like I had lost weight. That's...something. Now i'm in danger of gaining it all back because....complacency, passivity, all of these things coming into a cycle. I don't ever feel comfortable in my skin anymore. Sigh.......................................................................................................................................................................

What does my life revolve around? Music or......math idk. RELIGION?! I feel like I need a sense of purpose but why does anything need to revolve around anything? Now I just play StarCraft depriving myself of sleep to relieve feelings of depression and I just end up depriving myself of sleep even more by being exposed to unnatural bright lights minutes before I do finally decide to go to sleep. Just yesterday I was up all night until 11 PM just playing StarCraft forgetting everything because that's what I wanted. I messed up my sleep schedule so easily and quickly. I don't usually have enough of an attention span to focus on anything longer than 15 seconds but I've been focusing on typing this for hours. There's so much work to do, so many things to say.

Right, right. What now....I remember growing up my parents had always called me the innocent one who was always nice and they'd do it in front of my B(bro). Wut? He resented just about everyone. It wasn't until highschool he had become far more positive and he spent 0 time with the parents because all they were were toxic. My M(ma) is no longer as strict. In fact, she's never strict at all, completely passive about my hours of gaming. She asks me if I'm doing my homework and I tell her yes. And that's all she needs...The report cards are going to tell a different story. My pa is creepy. Creepy. He's been living apart from us working elsewhere, still immature, still fat, and still completely unaware that your eating habits can kill you. It's a scary thing for food to become an addiction. He keeps telling me that he doesn't like my B and that he likes me. He keeps telling me that my B is terrible and heartless and that I'm different. It just....no. He says those words more or less and it's creepy. I can just imagine him looking miserable and cursing at me when he's in some old retirement center. He tells me that he wants me to take care of him and his wife in his old age and no. No. He says my B isn't reliable and was always a bad person. No wonder my B grew up to be such a terrible person(not the case today), it's because his parents practically disowned him. Tough life. I kind of want to abandon my parents, don't want to take care of them like how a lot of Asian families function where it's always up to the kids to take care of the parents in their olden age and get lots of money. My P(pa) would try to chat with me on gmail or get with me on Skype but eh... I've spent some time during the summers over where he is on the other side of the country where he works and I realize he is incredibly lonely and depressed. He has no friends, family, no one, and along with his terrible attitude he leeches onto me as his social orifice. Nowadays he's quiet. Doesn't type anything to me, isn't obsessive. Probably a bad sign but I don't want to help him. He's toxic.

Sometimes my M says whenever I'm misbehaving or having bad grades that she should've disciplined me like she did my B. Damn...

starcraft used to be more fun. Now it's something I do to distract, numb my brain, and pass the time. There was always a sense of creativity and endless possibilities. Now no one I knew when I first played it is still playing it. I remember some guy said in real life he thought we'd make great friends. Then slowly he grew sick of my personality and grew to resent me. It hurt. It's just a game.

I would go on Skype sometimes. I remember. I had trouble with ZvP and Draw, some random guy said "join the starcraft skype group. So I logged into my skype account that I hadn't used for years and I joined. It quickly became my social buffer so I could feel something. I checked it obsessively every 5 minutes, it had become like Facebook, toxic, always making me feel like I'm already left out of something everybody else is having fun in. soooo i destroyed it. Removed the contacts, everything superficial that cannot hold a tangible long term connection. Even now I can never maintain a relationship. My hypothalamus, the part that is responsible for maintaining relationships isn't good. I cannot maintain relationships. It's like after highschool after the main element of maintaining friendships - having unplanned frequent meetings in the form of meeting at school. I cannot maintain it and I just grow passive until 8 months later when it gets awkward. It's tough. It's tough life. Tough life for me. Tough life. I still have a lot of grudges to solve but I'm going to try to stop caring about anything anymore. I can't even take constructive criticism at all. It's bad just....Really anything I have now is just something held together by a video game. When people stop playing starcraft then that'll be it. superficial.

One time I destroyed my physical copy of StarCraft and uninstalled the software. Then 6 months later I got it again thinking I could control myself better but now I truly realize it's a coping addiction. Some people end up having terribly secluded lives.
I saw a man on StarCraft, and he was the future projection of me if I didn't change the way I was going. He was some person who thinks his parents don't expect much of him which might be the case because his big sister is super smart and she's going to be making the money for the parents. His driver's license was confiscated for driving while intoxicated and now he can no longer to go the Psychology classes in college he used to go to. Now he's stuck living in his apartment living off of the money his parents send him. He says he's happy but another guy I sort of kind of look up to says that even thought someone may say they're happy that's not always true. That sounds right. There we have it, that person is going to be me someday. He's gonna be me. It's 3:48 AM where I am and......I have less than 3 hours of sleep until I gotta wake up for Monday. the good thing is Tuesday there is no school since Veteran's Day. Then on the last 3 school days of November I have Thanksgiving break. Now i just try to survive until the next big vacation and break I get. Good night.

I swear nobody in this community gives the slightest of a fuck about maps.

this is actually completely normal in the modern MMR system, you only have to play a 100 or so games to get back on your old MMR, just like everyone else, activity is key in the new system.
+ Show Spoiler +

Hmm, I haven't tried question mode yet. Usually I just settle for trolling dudes who immediately start conversations with "25M USA" (like who hasn't heard of internet porn?).