EPT
The Pitchfork Preserver
Twitter At The Speed Of Print
Volume I, Issue 2
Time Traveler from 2007 Appalled At Artosis' Use of DTs
Appearing on the TeamLiquid forums today, a user known as FurtadoFan1 posted that, unwilling to wait out the long StarCraft 2 development time, traveled 6 years to the future to see the finished version of the game and the surrounding community."It's disgusting," his message opened, "I find out that one of my favorite American Terrans is still playing, only to see him make some invisible bullshit unit." The post went on to describe how Artosis was one of the last true defenders of truth and justice, willing to put up with "god damn Protoss 1a2a3a" and "fucking 2 hatch asshattery," making him among an elite few that play with honor. "At least we still have IdrA," the message concluded, "don't tell me he's given up early too."
Upon seeing a video of Artosis interacting with his girlfriend and daughter, the man responded only with "bnhjyubnhjyubnhjyubnhjyubnhjyubnhjyubnhjyubnhjyu" and has not since continued correspondence.
TLPD, Aligulac Adopt Hellbat Based Rating SystemThe StarCraft II pro-game databases TLPD and Aligulac.com unveiled their new player rating systems based on the newly devised HELO. Aligulac.com creator TheBB said "it's clear that Glicko and Elo are no longer a valid way to measure player skill in the new HotS environment. After discussing the issue with TLPD admins, we have both decided to convert to HELO, an advanced system based entirely on hellbats." When asked for details on the new HELO system, TheBB responded "Hellbats produced is the primary variable, but we make sure to account for other important factors, such as 'time of first Hellbat' and 'number of Hellbats dropped.'"
Many progamers voiced their approval of the system. "TLPD and Aligulac were more of a gimmick before, because they didn't account for a lot of complications." said Acer's Nerchio. "Seeing ForGG, Strelok, Bunny, and Dayshi on top of the HELO rankings, I know for sure that it's a very accurate system."
28 Year Old Man Yells At Video Game
Today in Dayton, Ohio, Hunter Reinke was heard raising his voice and shaking his fists violently while watching a recent World Championship Series match. Neighbors mentioned that Hunter, an adult male, can often be seen in front of his computer forcefully telling players on the screen to "scout his idiotic tech" or "hit a god damned fungal"."Sometimes my landlord mentions how loud I'm being," Hunter admitted to the press. "This is actually a thing our grown child does" said Susan Reinke, "he's a good kid, I am so happy he has something in his life he can express himself with," before reminding her son to tone down the obscenities.
At time of print the man was reported to be cleaning his room, to ensure house cleanliness before the Reinke Sunday cribbage game.
MarineKingPrime Victorious in Life-Long Battle Against Good Fashion Sense
At A Glance
· Mike Morhaime Disappointed To See Americans in WCS America
· Incontrol Pours Out Can of Monster For Fallen Homie
· "How The Hell Was I Once Relevant?" Ponders Destiny While Awaiting Surrender Timer.
· Disfigured DreamHack Admin Shoots Lucifron After Coin Flip
Coming to a theater near you...
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/AszMXaj.jpg)
Commentary
I Am So, So Sorry About Shakuras Plateau
By Sean Mitchell, Team 1
Really, I am. You know when your boss comes to you and says he needs one more 2v2 map for a beta pool? That's what happened, really. I swear, I never expected it to become a 'thing', the team just needed a big map to see what happened in a game with four players.
People kind of liked it and someone said, 'hey how about we see what happens in 1v1' and that seemed good, you know? Like, maybe people could find some cool stuff to do with the weird symmetry. I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was unleashing on the world. Honest.
But it was good for a while, right? You enjoyed it for a few months? I know it got used for nearly another two years, and I'm sorry, but we had some good time didn't we? It was in TSL3! You remember that tournament, it was fun wasn't it? Sometimes you just need to remember the good times. Maybe it wasn't the best by the time 2012 WCS Finals rolled around, but we all liked it when NaNiwa proxied GoOdy at the DreamHack a year and a half earlier!
And hey, at least when we disabled two of the spawns it let people know they could do that. That's a good thing, isn't it? You got maps that have cross-positions only thanks to that! Some good came of it, I think we all learned something important about maps, and maybe ourselves.
I'm glad I finally got that off my chest. Now let's all have a good time on Daybreak now and forget this whole thing.
This update brought to you by me, WaxAngel, Shindigs, Ibrahim Awwal, and probably some other people I ripped ideas from.
