EPT
Personal Contribution History: Volume One of Two
by semioldguy
Chapter One: The First Chapter
My noble user account was birthed upon the Team Liquid forums not much more than two years ago, on January 23, 2007. Prior to this date I was a lurker and leeched upon the community; always taking but never giving.
I joined to contribute the mightiest of all things: I wished to start a thread.
But alas... I could not!
For there was a probationary period that my youthful account did not have such powers. Such evil had thwarted my attempts of premature acceptance. Instead I sulked over to the "Yo Momma Broodwar Jokes" thread and added some of the finest Yo' Momma insults heard this side of Tarsonis.
Then something marvelous happened! My account suddenly learned how to create threads. My dream was at hand and the community would be shocked by my overwhelming generosity. I had compiled the finest of all map statistics, in the era prior to TLPD (which is hereafter known as "The Really Dark Ages").
Statistics and numbers aroused me both mentally and physically. In fact, one time, while I was tactlessly seducing a woman on my bed, I could think of nothing but Zerg Build orders as she began to go down on me. They raced through my mind no matter how hard I tried to instead think of her warm mouth massaging my member. It was absolute ecstasy. The best of both worlds. But I'm getting sidetracked....
I posted a thread about map statistics. I could feel the imminent growth of my e-penis. Everyone was going to think that I was brilliant. I pressed "Post Message" and waited.
No one cared.
My dream was crushed. Clearly my desire to contribute to this glorious site from which I had taken so much would have to be attacked in some other manner. I returned once more to the "Yo Momma" thread as I began to plan my next move.
Chapter Two: The Haji Method (or Quantity)
Just as I discovered that it took nine Command Centers to lift off my mother... I knew that was also the answer to my new posting strategy. I would have to post a lot to get a lot and I went to the easiest place to boost my post count: The Live Report threads.
For those of you who had ancestors posting back in The Really Dark Ages, you may know that back then our live report threads were not separated into two matches for each night. Both Proleague matches were gloriously featured in the same thread and live reporting flowed continuously for both matches simultaneously. I also recall disliking the suggestion that the Proleague matches be split into two threads each night instead of one.
We knew much less during The Really Dark Ages.
Powered by my new motivation to evolve my puny Drone into a puny, but not-quite-as-puny Zergling, I attacked the live report threads whenever I could for the next several weeks, amassing as many as 200 posts in a single week.
(pausing to allow Haji laugh maliciously at me)
Since those early days I have not once come close to posting as frequently as I did then in any time span.
Before long I grew tired of Live Reporting. Partially because I wanted to watch my Starcraft matches more greedily (aka just for myself) and partially because I was physically tired at 3:30 in the mornings. It was time to close the door on live reporting and find another way to contribute.
Chapter Three: Blizzcon 2007
I had my ticket for Blizzcon and had confirmed my participation at the Team Liquid meet-up at BJ's. I was later disappointed by the misleading name, but that did not phase me. I had offered my vehicle to two other Team Liquid members in need of a transport. I was considerably cheaper than Han Solo, and almost as quick and knowledgeable of the area. I never saw or heard from those two again.
Let me rewind a moment to the beginning of Blizzcon.
I got there by myself, with no hotel reservations, and no plans of making them. I knew no one personally who was going and after cowering in a dark corner for a bit, I wandered around the Convention Hall until I found the Starcraft Progaming area.
Someone recognized me! I had no idea who the hell it was, but as he sauntered in my direction with a friendly "Hey you're from Team Liquid. Semioldguy right?" I was still confused as to who it was. And how he knew me was kind of odd too, as I hardly thought of myself as well known at this point.
He introduces himself as Tasteless/Nick and we talk about something for a bit. I'm betting it was Starcraft and/or party related. Eventually I find others from Team Liquid and spend time between the Progaming Area and playing Starcraft 2.
I had located online high resolution photos of the progamers that would be playing in the Blizzcon Invitational Starcraft Tournament prior to my coming. My goal was to get awesome autographs that were on something better than my Blizzcon program booklet. I printed my photos off on high quality photo paper and handed out some of my extras to fellow Team Liquidians, yes, for that is what we are called. They were grateful, and my own signed photos are hung proudly in my living room, where people ask who they are and I can launch endlessly into a monologue about Starcraft from which my unsuspecting guests have no escape.
Back at the Team Liquid meet-up I find myself seated between Tasteless and CharlieMurphy while Liquid`Meat sits across from me and orders a meal that, unsurprisingly, contains a lot of meat. I arrange to purchase a meal for Tasteless in return for my use of his extra bed for the night.
Mission Place-to-Sleep: Accomplished
Later that night some of us head back to Nick's room and entice Nal_rA to join us for some partying, which is where lilsusie finds her way onto our beloved website. But you can read about all that boring crap somewhere else that I've already written.
I go home thinking that it was one of the most fun weekends ever! And it was.
Chapter Four: Quality
Gom MSL Season Three was upon us, or rather, it had been upon us for several weeks now. But there was no Results and Standings thread. My thoughts once again wandered to my infatuation of statistics and my relative e-penis.
I was going to make the results and standing thread.
And I did.
Surprisingly, it did not stop there. I felt the tinge of both meaningful and appreciated contribution and I wanted to give more!
But I couldn't just yet, because my flight left for Seattle that very weekend for the WCG Grand Finals.
Quick (not actually quick) aside
So the night before I left was my roommate's 21st birthday party. However, it was poorly planned to be on a night when everyone had class the next day. Everyone except me... I had a 6am flight instead, but drinking a ton wouldn't hinder me in any way, or so I thought. I bring over several handles of alcohol. When everyone gets to the party we order food, but it needs to be picked up, so a few people leave to go get it.
I'm starving, as I hadn't eaten all day, and kind of want some food before drinking the entire night away. Well, it just so happens that an hour passes and they havent returned with the food.
"Fuck it," I say to my roommate. "Let's get wasted."
And we do. The two of us drink through the majority of three bottles, or so I am told. Apparently these bottles allowed me the semi-fortunate ability of time travel, as I have all of a sudden arrived at 5am the next morning to being poked in the back.
I have no idea where I am, but apparently I am face down on a floor somewhere and my friend Brian has just poked me awake. I ask him what time it is, at which point I recall that my flight leaves in just under an hour. I inform Brian of this.
Then I inform him that I haven't packed yet.
In a still mostly-drunken stupor, he drives me back to my apartment, where I not-very-consciously pack some things. I pack three not matching socks, three of the same shirt, a random CD I've never bothered listening to, a roll of scotch tape and some other random useless junk. Somehow I remembered my phone charger and laptop, but not my camera.
And that was all I packed.
(no wonder Incontrol thought I gave off a homelessness vibe that weekend)
I get to the airport and set off the metal detector two times before I finally remove everything from my pockets and such and make it onto the plane with about 2 minutes to spare. As we take off I pass out once more.
Like Blizzcon, I had no hotel reservation and no plans to make them. The first night I went to a bar and got an extremely drunk girl to take me home with her. This is a mistake for a different story. The second night I partied with the Team Liquidians and when that was done I wandered the streets until morning. The third night I went to the airport and slept there before my morning flight.
End Aside
When I got back from Seattle my reputation at Team Liquid was beginning to grow from my amazing contributions. I began browsing the forums from the ancient times to see what things were like back then.
There I found the long lost tradition of Battle Reports. There had also been some recent murmurings from veterans about these legendary battle reports and I knew what my next contribution would be. I started doing detailed battle reports from that Season's OSL.
This was around the time Plexa began publicly proclaiming his infatuation with Kwanro as his Battle Reportyness appeared around the same time as my own.
I was enjoying the writing and was apparently noticed and praised by the community more. Things were good.
Chapter Five: Blue For You
Not too long after my Battle Reporting I began to hold Stareague finals parties at my apartment for local Team Liquid and Starcraft enthusiasts. Such came the time when I learned that Diggity was my neighbor.
Then one fated sixth of December morning, almost the day that lived in infamy, I was checking Team Liquid on my phone between classes. I had received a PM from Team Liquid's suicidal dictator, Thedeadhaji. He told me about making my letters blue.
My time had come!
Then Haji went and banned himself.
The whole ordeal was shrouded in much mystery that remains lost to this day. After a failed series of Final Edits, which I will not mention further here, I heard nothing more from any staff. My initial excitement became prolonged and dragged out.
I was soon contacted by some guys who were launching a new website... something like sc2gg. They wanted to know if I could lend my services to their site when they launched. I was actually the fourth registered member on their original site way back before they were public. Short story short, I had no investment in that community to motivate me to give to some guy I had never heard of.
I was also contacted by some Puerto Rican guy about some other developing website. But I'll just pretend that never happened.
Eventually, on January 26th, almost exactly a year after my first post in the Yo Momma thread, I became News staff member at Team Liquid along with fellow glorious writer Plexa.
I immediately searched all of the new forums I had access to, basically limiting my productivity for the first week down to nothing. After the initial flood of new information I got settled into my staff position with our three new leaders (all of whom were despicable* Canadians)
*Only partially despicable, and not SonuvBob.
I was given my task of writing MSL coverage alongside the legendary Live2Win, where I began to settle into a new era of my wonderful site contributions, which you will all read about right now in Volume Two.
And I didn't give up on e-penis, just post count because it didn't do anything for it. My e-penis is grand though, make no mistake.
