EPTI'm not going to go into much detail about myself except to say that I've become seriously unhappy with my life. Every time I felt pain about who I was and how little I've accomplished, I'd instantly feel the urge to get on the computer and just waste away the hours on games, forums, porn, or even staring mindlessly at the screen clicking.
Obviously I'm lucky to have the luxury of this much time to waste, but that's something I'm going to have to change for my own good. I must take on commitments and responsibilities, because I cannot bear the thought of spending the future the way I have the past few years.
Anyway something that really opened my eyes was this article:
+ Show Spoiler +
I guess the only reason I am sharing this is so people can understand how destructive pornography addiction truly is and how it can happen to anyone. Please keep the computer out of your kids room….
I’ve been addicted since the 5th grade when my friend and I found his Dad’s magazines. I kept some magazines in my room the next few years and looked at them often. I thought it was normal. I thought I was normal. I played baseball, rode my bike, had friends I loved to spend time with.
When my family got the internet a couple of years later I began spending large amounts of time looking at porn. I thought this was normal, and even if it wasn’t I had an excuse to keep doing it that is so good I haven’t stopped using it to this day, at least never for long.
When I was around 13 a girl told me I was ugly. I accepted what she said with absolute certainty for some reason, and realized then and there I would never have a girlfriend, and that no one would ever want to have sex with me. While the normal kids grew up around me and started dating and having friends of the opposite gender, I didn’t.
I grew more and more consumed by looking at pornography on the internet for hours on end, telling myself at least I could see other people have sex since I never would. I grew more and more angry at the world.
In the 10 or so years since, the rest of my life was slowly stripped away. I really don’t have a hobby anymore. I try to do things I used to do and I can’t enjoy them. I really don’t have any friends. It seems like the only thing any of them want to do is go out and meet women which just makes me feel worse watching them succeed at that when I can’t. I don’t experience pleasure anymore. On a typical day I go to work, come home, and look at porn for several hours until I am tired. I probably have averaged at least 3 hours of pornography viewing every day for the last 5 years. The longest I’ve ever stopped was 30 days. Then I thought I could do it just once (since real and everything came crashing down. Back to three hours a day, and when I’m in that zone the depravity of what I’ll view on the internet never ceases to amaze me - sometimes I can’t get it off the screen fast enough when I’m finished masturbating. I hate myself. I don’t have a soul.
My single minded purpose in life has became to have a girlfriend, like any normal guy. I honestly care about nothing else, and I haven’t in a long time. If I knew that I really never get to, I’d kill myself right now without thinking twice about it. The level of obsession with sex, finding a girlfriend, “how can I fix myself and my life” is unbelievable. I can’t articulate it. You wouldn’t believe me. I wake up thinking about this and I go to bed thinking about it and I think about it all day and I don’t ever stop. It doesn’t EVER stop.
I go to work, I go to school, and I spend time with my family. The people around me don’t know that I’m a shell of a person. They don’t have a clue that I don’t feel my life is worth living. They don’t know that every smile is fake, and that I’m ALWAYS thinking about something else. They don’t know that every single time they mention their significant other, or make a comment about sex, or anything that could possibly be construed as related to sex or dating, I feel a knife through my heart.
Pornography. It’s exactly how I’ve managed to stay in exactly the same place since I was 13. It completely replaced legitimate sexuality for me. There’s no way to undo it now. The only thing that numbs the pain digs me that much deeper into the hole. I could have been anything I wanted when I grew up. Instead I bounce around wherever I can fit it and walk around all day with a chorus of voices in my head that tells me I have ruined my life. I’m a 26 year old virgin and the chorus of voices tells me no woman would want to be anything more than a friend with me simply based on that, let alone my darker secret. I have ruined my life, and I did it one day at a time as I sat down in front of my computer yet again.
If I’d had a choice at 18 to live these last 8 years or just end my life right then I wouldn’t have hesitated to die. The only thing that keeps me going is it always seems like it couldn’t possibly last another 8 years, but the truth is I know it could.
It’s so strange to have this memory of being a normal kid with a nice future ahead of him. That normal kid now wakes up everyday in his own personal version of hell.
I’ve been addicted since the 5th grade when my friend and I found his Dad’s magazines. I kept some magazines in my room the next few years and looked at them often. I thought it was normal. I thought I was normal. I played baseball, rode my bike, had friends I loved to spend time with.
When my family got the internet a couple of years later I began spending large amounts of time looking at porn. I thought this was normal, and even if it wasn’t I had an excuse to keep doing it that is so good I haven’t stopped using it to this day, at least never for long.
When I was around 13 a girl told me I was ugly. I accepted what she said with absolute certainty for some reason, and realized then and there I would never have a girlfriend, and that no one would ever want to have sex with me. While the normal kids grew up around me and started dating and having friends of the opposite gender, I didn’t.
I grew more and more consumed by looking at pornography on the internet for hours on end, telling myself at least I could see other people have sex since I never would. I grew more and more angry at the world.
In the 10 or so years since, the rest of my life was slowly stripped away. I really don’t have a hobby anymore. I try to do things I used to do and I can’t enjoy them. I really don’t have any friends. It seems like the only thing any of them want to do is go out and meet women which just makes me feel worse watching them succeed at that when I can’t. I don’t experience pleasure anymore. On a typical day I go to work, come home, and look at porn for several hours until I am tired. I probably have averaged at least 3 hours of pornography viewing every day for the last 5 years. The longest I’ve ever stopped was 30 days. Then I thought I could do it just once (since real and everything came crashing down. Back to three hours a day, and when I’m in that zone the depravity of what I’ll view on the internet never ceases to amaze me - sometimes I can’t get it off the screen fast enough when I’m finished masturbating. I hate myself. I don’t have a soul.
My single minded purpose in life has became to have a girlfriend, like any normal guy. I honestly care about nothing else, and I haven’t in a long time. If I knew that I really never get to, I’d kill myself right now without thinking twice about it. The level of obsession with sex, finding a girlfriend, “how can I fix myself and my life” is unbelievable. I can’t articulate it. You wouldn’t believe me. I wake up thinking about this and I go to bed thinking about it and I think about it all day and I don’t ever stop. It doesn’t EVER stop.
I go to work, I go to school, and I spend time with my family. The people around me don’t know that I’m a shell of a person. They don’t have a clue that I don’t feel my life is worth living. They don’t know that every smile is fake, and that I’m ALWAYS thinking about something else. They don’t know that every single time they mention their significant other, or make a comment about sex, or anything that could possibly be construed as related to sex or dating, I feel a knife through my heart.
Pornography. It’s exactly how I’ve managed to stay in exactly the same place since I was 13. It completely replaced legitimate sexuality for me. There’s no way to undo it now. The only thing that numbs the pain digs me that much deeper into the hole. I could have been anything I wanted when I grew up. Instead I bounce around wherever I can fit it and walk around all day with a chorus of voices in my head that tells me I have ruined my life. I’m a 26 year old virgin and the chorus of voices tells me no woman would want to be anything more than a friend with me simply based on that, let alone my darker secret. I have ruined my life, and I did it one day at a time as I sat down in front of my computer yet again.
If I’d had a choice at 18 to live these last 8 years or just end my life right then I wouldn’t have hesitated to die. The only thing that keeps me going is it always seems like it couldn’t possibly last another 8 years, but the truth is I know it could.
It’s so strange to have this memory of being a normal kid with a nice future ahead of him. That normal kid now wakes up everyday in his own personal version of hell.
It's a bit long, but that guys story is almost exactly mine so it really struck a nerve. So these days I try really hard to stay off the computer. I try and check only my email and a few forums and forbid myself to dawdle around because I can easily spend a quick 3 or 4 hours on the computer doing pretty much nothing. I'm sure for most people the computer is not a serious problem, just a tool and a means of entertainment as it should be. I know some of you are out there though like me, wondering where your life has gone and using the computer compulsively because it dulls your pain for a few hours.
